I'm awake....

[angelak]

Earlier festivities were nice today.
The "Wedding," was.... almost like some pretend thing that didn't happen because nothing made it real to me.
Bleh.

Khaya and I were tired after getting up early-ish this morning. Drove to his place to "grab clothes."
I laid down and slept for a couple hours.
I woke up in a mood. Not really a good one.
I had strange dreams that only amounted to one thing: Hawaii.
I don't even know what was strange about it, or anything. I also woke up realizing that anything involving Weddings and marriage or any of that has begun to creep me out.

Every time someone gets married, all these side-effects happen, and I'm always feeling lousy afterwards.
It happened with the 2 Weddings last year [and I don't know what it's like to actually SEE a ceremony in person.] But this Wedding is no different.

**Though, at least this time I'm not left thinking, "jeez, I could never marry the man I'm dating..."
That realization was easier to make than what I'm feeling today:

I feel crummy. I have concluded that all Weddings are evil and that I really have no stance on marriage anymore. Why? Mostly because I don't know where I stand on it.

Talked to Steve. Bleh. It was good to talk-- but I think I made fun of him without even trying to. *sighs*
Besides the fact. I miss him as a person. I wish I could just hang out and be friends, yet sometimes that feels impossible. Whatever. Guess things are best how they are right now, or something.

Grandma's was okay otherwise, but after going to Khaya's....and after the nap I realized my pills were home, and not to mention I felt like going home. I felt crummier than ever, the dogs were in the car, and my pills were at home.

The biggest thing?

I didn't want to stress with taking the dogs into Khaya's house. Fritz and Gus that is. I have a hard enough time stressing over my own dogs, let alone James' dog, on top of my other 2. I really stress out trying to watch dogs in someone else's home. I feel exessively crummy/paranoid/freakyouty if anything dog-like happens, IE, vomit, accidents, whatever... and indoor plants on the floor are a pain in the ass [though pretty.]

I didn't particularly feel like being alone tonight, as I want to curl up and bawl, but what does that matter? Khaya was exessively tired himself and he would have had to drive out here. It's purely selfish to think that he should come out here for my benefit, including the fact he stayed here last night. Perhaps disappointment that we WERE going to be here, and instead it's just me and myself and I, and my roller-coastering emotions... makes it all the worse.

Tonight everything is weird and creepy and really - I just feel sad.
I think I almost cried on the way home and I really have no explanation. I also had ideas about ramming my car into a guard-rail or something like that.

I hate the world today; after 3PM. After that--- ehh.
Everything's been turbulant in my heart, my head, and my chakras. And tonight-- there's no one to hold me.
Fuck it all.

-Angela

Comments

*hugs*

[dragonfaery93.livejournal.com]

Call me if you want a friendly ear. *huggles*

-Cheryl

Re: *hugs*

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

You ever feel like you just don't know how to talk to people when you're upset?
It's probably one of the most frustrating things to me sometimes.
It's like... certain kinds of depression leads me to be incredibly confused as to how to communicate with anyone about it.
I can write a million things, because my mind works better visually...
Yet-- verbally, it all gets so lost.

How do I open my mouth and make the words come out that really are what I'm feeling? You know. I mean, I'm sure Robert has some small idea that I wasn't too "upbeat," but then, this whole weekend I've been all out of sorts.

I also didn't say much of anything directly relating to being upset.
The same might be true if I tried to pick up the phone [and often times that's really difficult in and of itself for whatever reason.]

I can easily pick up the phone when it doesn't matter.

Just rambling, really.
Yes. The phone... and when I'm upset on the phone, I tend to say. Nothing.
Yeah. Though it's good to know you're there and that you care. That means a lot to me.

Why can't I just like this woman he's marrying? Because she's jerked him around far too much and totally excluded the family on everything.
My ex boyfriend was at my brother's Wedding, and I had to watch it online.
There's something pathetic about this. The family "pizza party," over the Wedding just... doesn't seem to cut it. I'm hurt that he didn't care about making us, or wanting to make us, a part of his Wedding.

-Angela

Re: *hugs*

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Oh, wait.
That's right. He's not "marrying," her. They're married.
Ugh.

-Angela

Re: *hugs*

[dragonfaery93.livejournal.com]

Two questions come to mind

1) Where do you hire a hit man, from the yellow pages?
2) Do they take credit or debit?

(Obvously not seriously, I hope!)
-Cheryl

[netharos.livejournal.com]

I want to say that I deeply appreciated you hosting today's festivities, especially in light of other things going on your life. Being alone at night sucks, I know myself--but I also understand it comes with the territory of having made the right/healthy choice for myself. It sounds like your brother was unable to do the same thing his situation, unfortunatley. Perhaps the prospect of loneliness itself was just too overwhelming to him; I think it usually is when you haven't had much experience. I'm grateful that, if nothing else, I do have a lot of insight in how to deal with loneliness. Still, I'm sorry you've had to go through all this. If it's any consolation--I'm probably one person that won't get married anytime soon. =)

:)

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
It was just refreshing to see you and have an opportunity to just relax and chill with some folks yesterday.

What you say, may be true.
About the loneliness and James being overwhelmed. I'm not entirely sure what's going on in his head and heart... because since they've been dating, save for one day, when he came to my house totally upset and ready to scrap their relationship... and he had come to me for advice.

I was trying to be gentle and not indicate that I thought breaking up would be best. And I was. He was ready to, when he came back and had moved the Wedding date up. *shrugs* Since then-- he's been distant. And I know you understand a lot of sibling closeness, because you and Jessie share a bond that might not be too different from that between James and I.

Anyway. None the less, I think things will be okay for me. I just hate to see things that I feel have potential to really hurt folks. Especially those that I care so greatly about, like James. And I guess last night the emotion and sadness about the whole thing came back to me. Though I had a great morning, and wouldn't trade that for the world!!

-Angela

[centeruniverse.livejournal.com]

I don't know what to say to this. You're in a very sucky situation, through no fault of your own, and it's compounded by not having someone right next to you to cry on or be held by. I wish I had a magic wand to make it all better for you, or at the very least a bit of advice to improve the situation, but really, I think you're doing the best that you can, and there's nothing more you can do about it.