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angelakI'm clean, right out of the shower. It feels nice.
On other topics:
I guess sometimes I forget that I can have a lazy day off with nothing planned or scheduled.
Today, and last night even, for the first time in a long time-- I had little regard for my plans or usual routine. The month of May, as usual, has been a "go-go-go" month.
Not to mention, it seems it's the first time I can honestly say that things are settling into a comfortable space with
Khaya. After the life-changing month of March 2005, I've come to realize I'm far from where I was in February 2005. Something broke inside of me, and consequently shifted and changed. My outlook seemed to evolve into something I had least expected.
Among other magickal realizations and turns in the path that I have come to find comfort in...
I abandon the idea that any form of competitive nature is healthy for my path in particular-and also, perhaps, anyone's path. Though, that is not mine to say. Not that I ever thought it was, now I am more than ever aware of the dangers of this when regarding magickal work.
Thus being said, I've begun to find more comfort in my own skin and also the sean ciall community.
Outside of magickal bounds, I also see that the family is changing. Of course it's always been changing, and always will be. Yet-- a timeline ago it felt all so different.
Amazingly, my family acceptsKhaya with no qualms. It's that surreal idea that "whatever makes you truly happy," is the lack of tension they allow me. For this, I cannot be happy enough.
It was one of the harder issues I found in leaving Steve. I had trepedations about the fact that Steve so comfortably had integrated himself into the family, and that-- it would be nearly impossible to share my love ofKhaya with anyone in the family. [And of course, not niave enough to realize, this would be an impossibility for any long term situation.]
As last night was a tough night for me, I felt quite content to sink into the pages of a book and leave the worries of this world behind me. Of course, the book I was reading, was an even better way to leave these worries behind. Caught within the intricate web of plot that Anne Rice builds, it was no surprise reality became nothing more than what cars look like from a small airplane in the air.
Small. Insignificant to the immediate surroundings.
dragonfaery93 points out the simple lesson, for which seems so obvious, and yet is so hard to accept:
"I cannot control what choices a person makes.
I cannot always make people happy.
This is okay."
And though, perhaps not directing it quite in the same words [I'm not always trying to make people happy. Typically, I strive to create happiness in my life, so that I then may extend a hand in happiness that spills into the lives of others.] It is the first line, that sticks out for me specifically.
None the less. Today is a day to relax. I may takeKhaya's suggestion of going to get coffee and reading more in the coffee parlor. Sounds quite nice. Perhaps I will walk down Front Street and make my way to Gilman Starbucks or the one near Fred Meyer.
On any account, it feels good to know that he loves me, even when I'm down.
Silly as those simplistic fears are, sometimes I have to remind myself of these things.
I am embracing my emotions the best I can, and trying to learn that expressing emotion... is okay.
I will also not feel guilty today, for relaxing. And now? I need clothes.
On another account. I should very well begin writing with less self concious-fear that someone might read it, and realize what a shitty writer I really am. It's competitiveness and my own self-critic that drives me into the ground, here as well.
I read what others' write, and realize perhaps what my writing is not.
Instead of realizing what my writing is. Nyah. The coffee parlor beckons me, and so does a new chain for my pentagram. If I have time, I might also get my spiral ring stretched. We'll see.
-Angela
On other topics:
I guess sometimes I forget that I can have a lazy day off with nothing planned or scheduled.
Today, and last night even, for the first time in a long time-- I had little regard for my plans or usual routine. The month of May, as usual, has been a "go-go-go" month.
Not to mention, it seems it's the first time I can honestly say that things are settling into a comfortable space with
Khaya. After the life-changing month of March 2005, I've come to realize I'm far from where I was in February 2005. Something broke inside of me, and consequently shifted and changed. My outlook seemed to evolve into something I had least expected.Among other magickal realizations and turns in the path that I have come to find comfort in...
I abandon the idea that any form of competitive nature is healthy for my path in particular-and also, perhaps, anyone's path. Though, that is not mine to say. Not that I ever thought it was, now I am more than ever aware of the dangers of this when regarding magickal work.
Thus being said, I've begun to find more comfort in my own skin and also the sean ciall community.
Outside of magickal bounds, I also see that the family is changing. Of course it's always been changing, and always will be. Yet-- a timeline ago it felt all so different.
Amazingly, my family accepts
Khaya with no qualms. It's that surreal idea that "whatever makes you truly happy," is the lack of tension they allow me. For this, I cannot be happy enough.It was one of the harder issues I found in leaving Steve. I had trepedations about the fact that Steve so comfortably had integrated himself into the family, and that-- it would be nearly impossible to share my love of
Khaya with anyone in the family. [And of course, not niave enough to realize, this would be an impossibility for any long term situation.]As last night was a tough night for me, I felt quite content to sink into the pages of a book and leave the worries of this world behind me. Of course, the book I was reading, was an even better way to leave these worries behind. Caught within the intricate web of plot that Anne Rice builds, it was no surprise reality became nothing more than what cars look like from a small airplane in the air.
Small. Insignificant to the immediate surroundings.
dragonfaery93 points out the simple lesson, for which seems so obvious, and yet is so hard to accept: "I cannot control what choices a person makes.
I cannot always make people happy.
This is okay."
And though, perhaps not directing it quite in the same words [I'm not always trying to make people happy. Typically, I strive to create happiness in my life, so that I then may extend a hand in happiness that spills into the lives of others.] It is the first line, that sticks out for me specifically.
None the less. Today is a day to relax. I may take
Khaya's suggestion of going to get coffee and reading more in the coffee parlor. Sounds quite nice. Perhaps I will walk down Front Street and make my way to Gilman Starbucks or the one near Fred Meyer.On any account, it feels good to know that he loves me, even when I'm down.
Silly as those simplistic fears are, sometimes I have to remind myself of these things.
I am embracing my emotions the best I can, and trying to learn that expressing emotion... is okay.
I will also not feel guilty today, for relaxing. And now? I need clothes.
On another account. I should very well begin writing with less self concious-fear that someone might read it, and realize what a shitty writer I really am. It's competitiveness and my own self-critic that drives me into the ground, here as well.
I read what others' write, and realize perhaps what my writing is not.
Instead of realizing what my writing is. Nyah. The coffee parlor beckons me, and so does a new chain for my pentagram. If I have time, I might also get my spiral ring stretched. We'll see.
-Angela
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no subject
Date: 2005-05-17 10:36 am (UTC)And yes, when you compare your writing to that of others, you will find it lacking. HOWEVER, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Just because yours is not the same, it does not make it bad or inferior in any way. At least, not IMNSHO.
It's all fear, you know. And you're well aware of what to do with that.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-17 02:45 pm (UTC)