Solitude

[angelak]

I resigned to the fact that the evening was going to be reserved just for me.
I started my evening off by watching "You've got mail," that my parents got me as a gift for Yule. While watching the movie, I had browsed through my new cookbook - which was also a gift, from nobody.

The cookbook was a VERY awesome gift. The busy person's low fat cookbook.
A cook book that has quick meals, that are healthy.

Ingenious gift, and I totally loved it the moment I opened it.
So, while watching the movie I was getting excited that I could choose something and that I would make it tonight.

And then Aroidan called. And invited me over for dinner, where my parents were visiting. For some reason I said, "yes," and almost immediately realized that I really didn't want to go. However, I left anyway.

The entire drive over I could not help but get angry at myself, for not taking "me," time, for falling into my usual pattern of having to have someone around. As I have gotten my parent fix over the holiday -- I felt good about chilling out at home. And as time progresses, my home now feels like home to me. I come home and it feels cozy and like my own space. I know I have lived there over two years now, and over a year of that, was just me.

Except, for a while it didn't feel like my home anymore after Aroidan moved out.
And dating Khaya going from his place to mine, slowed the homing process, I think.

Digression. I arrived at his condo, now - totally regretting my decision. Just before getting off the free way, I had contemplated turning around and going home, and doing my own thing like I had planned. Then - hunger set in. I had skipped lunch because I was busy in the office. I was hungry. This quenched my desire to drive home, only to have to make dinner after sitting in a small amount of traffic and the moderate drive over to his dwelling. I also figured I could make the visit brief and then just go home and enjoy some alone time.

Brought the dogs in to visit, sat down on the couch, only to watch FireFly - with the lights out, in the extremely bachelory condo - that feels very unhomey. I knew the energy was off initially when he first moved into the place.

Later I found out the following strangeness:
Mel is my best friend. Marilyn is her mother. While sitting at Aroidan's one day, I idly read a piece of mail. It had Mel's mom's name on it. This startled me. Turns out, Marilyn moved out just before Aroidan moved in. This was part of what created an energic awareness for me, though I also accept that it is partially that the decorating does not resonate with me. Which is fine, except it does not really lend me to wanting to BE there.
There are two things about me to randomly note:

1- I hate it when televisions are on non stop. I do not like movies as background, or TV. I am a music or silence kind of gal. Call that silly, it just is how I am.

2- I like lights on. My eyes are sensitive to lack of light. I have a lazy eye, and for some reason, it is less comfortable to be in a room full of people and have poor lighting. At least in social settings.

I love my Duplex with it’s over abundance of light. Especially now, in my room – where my lighting had been an issue for some time. I have 3 lights on the side of the room that used to lack. This really does make me happier.

Digressing. I arrived to sit on a couch, in half light, watching Firefly series [making me wish I was with Khaya] and realizing I had broken my promise to myself, to spend time alone, realizing I was disappointed that I did not get a chance to cook – to find, no food available there at the moment. I was not in the mood to talk. I was grumpy from lack of food, which was what lured me in at the last moment anyway. I had begun feeling nauseous like I do these days, when I do not eat all day. And the fact I had not stopped myself from driving out there.

After folks in the room were not decisive about what they were going to order for food, I became less patient. And more annoyed that I had not been true to my own need, which was to be alone.

Suddenly I stood up and said I didn’t really want to be there. And I was leaving. I made the decision that I would feel best if I was able to pull away, instead of putting up this. Things were dragging, and the “short visit” concept, did not seem likely at this point. My mom offered to help me out. I could tell she was worried. I accepted her offer and explained everything outside.

From there, I figured I’d just grab some food on the way home. And then I realized, I waited that long, so I might as well drive home, go shopping, and make my dinner as planned. And so I did.

I went to the store and got some things. I decided it would be fun to have wine with my meal also, and so I picked up a yummy bottle of wine.

Where in – I went home and prepared my meal from the cookbook. I washed my dishes while waiting. It was easy, and it tasted good.

By this time, I was at peace with myself again. I was strong enough to realize that even though it felt like too late, it was not too late to get up, leave, and do what I really wanted. And I had succeeded in doing that. I did not let obligation get in my way – and had I thought just 2 seconds longer, I would have said no in the first place. I just realize I wasn’t thinking, and it is habit that I usually enjoy hanging out with him now and again. It is just I have had too much hang out time with the guy as of late. All that math. I also do not want to give him the wrong idea. I do not need a boyfriend, however, I am totally down with friends.

I had the urge to get wine drunk. So I drank the whole bottle.
This caused me to get online and when Aroidan messaged me, to tell him all manner of things like, “you suck,” and “I hate you.” And others. Yikes. I was just bitter that he called and nearly sabotaged my aloneness.

Most bitter that I allowed this to happen. Except when drunk, none of these logical things come to mind. Of course, I went on typing all manner of things. He, of course, pissed me off by acting like I was way drunker than I was. I know my limit.

Maybe he throws lots of parties where losers cannot stop drinking when enough is enough, and end up vomiting all over, however – that is, not as much my style.
Sure, everyone has to FIND their limit. And we all make mistakes now and again, however – the concern he had was sweet and also obnoxiously annoying. After being a complete drunken bitch online – I said I was going to bed and he so brilliantly thought I should stay awake or that I needed someone to “check” on me. I ignored him because I was drunk and really just did not care.

I was ranting and being belligerent – however, he seemed worried. This is what drunk people do - after all. Eventually, I had had enough of the intrusive suggestions “maybe I should come check on you. Maybe you need to call Robert.” Blahbalbah – I tried to turn off my laptop [resulting in putting it into standby] and I got cozy with my dogs for my lovely night’s sleep.

I awoke, feeling right as rain in the morning. I got ready for work. And here I am.
I’ve concluded that the whole bottle of wine was a bit excessive. We’ll skip that next time. I could have finished my laundry and picked up the cardboard that is collecting in my corner, had I not gotten so wine drunk.

Except. I wanted to experience something just for me, for once. The wine was my treat for leaving Aroidan’s based off of my own needs and wants, and not staying because it felt like it might be rude to leave.

Some reward.
:)

Drinking is dumb. I love it.
When else can I be a fucktard?
I worry too much to do it normally.
I am a believer that if you do not let loose at some point.
You become messed up in other ways.
I like to choose WHEN I am messed up. Opposed to just being messed up.
Alright, so some folks may not follow that logic. WHATeVER.

I am also cheery because in spite of my compulsive spending as of the last year - well, I got the pretty raise. I want a shiney new laptop. *dreams* And I might just get the more expensive one that Aroidan is TRYING to talk me out of. Mostly because I know it's EXACTLY what I want. The look alikes, aren't.

erm. Hrm.
oh - and yeah. My boyfriend is cool. Even though I get exasperated by his existance at times.

And I wrote this entry old style. Before I was paranoid of how folks would react.
I think 2006 is going to be about me finding myself again. And if that means I expose too much information - well, that's just too damned bad.

My life has got to change. Or I will find a guard rail to drive into.
So. This is it. I'm being me.


-Angela

Comments

[nobodyberry.livejournal.com]

Yay. :) I'm glad you like the cookbook. :D

HEJJJ

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Too bad I can't randomly chat with you.
OH well :X

This season [or set of 4 seasons] I have sucked at gift giving on time for you in particular. I wanted to spend some time to choose a gift that matches nobody, instead of hurrying and chosing an impersonal-spur-of-the-moment gift.
So. Your Christmas is not over yet.
hahaha.

Oh gods. Anyways.
You are getting an after the new years' gift.
;)

-Angela

Re: HEJJJ

[nobodyberry.livejournal.com]

Yeah, my computer time has been on crack lately.

But school starts again next week, so we'll see if I can keep any kind of normal schedule.

[centeruniverse.livejournal.com]

Congratulations on standing up for yourself and getting what you need, belated though it might be. You certainly deserve your alone time, and I'm glad you got it.