Remembering

[angelak]

I love to look back.
To remember.
To feel things all over again.
Just take a trip out of reality and remember what it was that sustained me for periods of time - what I shared, and what was important to me.
It feels so good for me to remember that in spite of everything, there was beauty. And lots of it.
Someone else's pessimism cannot kill the things that were shared in light hearted laughter and goodness.

Maybe it makes me cry. Maybe it makes me smile and giggle. Or all three.
And that's okay.

Because it's all mine to feel.
It's all mine to remember.
It's all mine to cherish.
it's all mine to store back there, in the depths of my soul.
And maybe that's where it will stay.
It has shaped me. Forever.
And I have no regrets.
I feel love.
Bittersweet and worth every moment. Even now, as I sit here, contemplating those moments.
Feeling it all.
I can remember moments when I conciously told myself to remember being thankful for the bond that I was feeling at particular moments. For smiles, warm embraces, and the beauty that glowed in his eyes and soul. And I can remember times I felt totally at odds and unsure of it all. Anger and frustration. Fear.

Neither memory outrules the other. They just are.
And my tears are testimate to the fact that it was real. Every moment of it, was real to me.
Indescribably joyous and deep.
And it's okay that it's the past. Because I know there was something there that sang a song so deeply within me, that it touched me, and changed me irrevocably. And it will touch me forever.

The hot tears are like the warmth that I once felt when awakening in the morning beside that person who helped me be content so many days.

If it was this indescribably fabulous with a guy who isn't the right one - what will it be like when I find the one who is?


-Angela

Comments

Incredible...

[jonah777.livejournal.com]

You capture it so well. Love and loss, and how time makes the love more grand. I am moved. You have helped me remember moments from my history that I will cherish forever.

Thank you.

I joked with you once that it takes the pain of your 20's to get you out of the foolishness that goes with inexperience. Did I mention that I wouldn't change a single foolish moment?

I would not sacrifice those experiences any more than I would give up the ability to ride a bicycle without training wheels in order to avoid the scars I got from falling down.

Good luck on your next adventure.

~J