angelak | Whiney Wednesday

This entry is probably sharing too much for LJ. OH. Well.

I'm grumpy.
And tired.
And I want to go home.
And sleep.
And lose track of reality.
Yikes.
I got to get out of this funk. I was on top of the world last weekend - what is it with these mid-week blues?

The grumpiness might have arisen from being completely bored last night?
Or else the fact that I'm feeling useless in general today.
(work, outside of work, what have you).
So - sometimes I feel like I'm great at my job.
And sometimes not.
I'm in a very self-deploring mood.
I don't want to make the right phone calls, or take any requests.
And that makes me feel like a horrible employee.
I scream at myself to do what I need to do.
And today? I just don't want to. At all.
It has nothing to do with anyone or anything in particular.

Maybe I'm grieving a bit over Khaya, but that is beginning to dull - regardless.
He's a figment of memory now, and he feels miles and miles away from real existence. Sometimes I wonder what he's doing, or if he thinks of me. And I know it doesn't really matter. The emotional bond is cut, one way or the other. It's not that I long for him as a lover, I mostly just miss his friendship.

Whatever.
Maybe I'll pretend it never progressed past the simple "hello's," in Sean Ciall.
And trick my brain for a moment in time and pretend none of the hurt happened to me, and none of the love was there. It'd still be a lie.

I know how he is. He's good at building walls around himself. Energic, physical, you name it. I had this ungodly nagging feeling for a long time that if we ever broke up, he would cut me off from all ties of his life.

At first he was acting like we'd see each other, maybe even call or email.
*shrugs* I know stuff changes. And it did. I just remember all of my worst fears about how he'd deal with situations, came true. Self fulfilling prophecies? No. More like, I just know how he deals with stuff.

Patterns, that sort. I don't know the half of him, though.
And I never will. I'm just bitter about being shut out. That's natural, and normal.
It just reminds me of reactions he has had in the past to other stuff. So there it is.

That's just fine with me.
Now where's the excitement of the potential of someone who really appreciates me?
Maybe it's just an illusion anyway.
I know - I know. All the life experts (no, I'm not bitter about advice, I just know the "right" answer.) Will say, "you appreciate yourself. And your friends appreciate you."

I know that stuff.

I'm happy with myself. Just completely out of my usual teritory.

And I don't really think there's anything wrong with aspiring to find a mate. Not that it's going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, or the next five years. I hope it's sooner than the next five years... somehow.

About time?

All this time I felt like I didn't have enough time. I'm not even sure.
Now I have too much time for comfort. And I don't utilize it well.
I just run out of steam and brain power to do or think or act on half of the things I want to do.

I want to stay busy - instead of having time to sit and contemplate everything too deeply.
The first couple weeks here, I was able to do the things I had really been pushing back: Clean my house, visit the friends I kept putting off, etc etc.

It felt like vacation.
The problem is, this vacation is perminant.
I'm alright with that.
And at times I'm not alright with that.

S'all good. Really.

It also helps (or doesn't, I'm not really sure) that aroidan and I stopped butting heads (actually, now we're just not talking) because I got really frustrated and said some things that I had been harboring, believing, and not saying, for years. And when I say years, I mean like since the very beginning of my relationship with Aroidan, which was when I was 15. I always resented that he was pursuing me while I was in another relationship. That relationship at the time, had been with Jon. His idea of "friendship," seems to differ from my idea of "friendship." I realize now, that these are differences between us that go all the way back to the beginning, like I said. I carried that resentment with me and didn't even realize it until I finally expressed some of it to him.

The things we aren't aware of that become so much clearer as years pass. I'm terrified. How will anything with anyone ever work? Obviously people make it happen, and I, of all people, am (maybe this is arrogant to say and entirely off, though this is what I really believe) am not the type to give up without a fight.

So - about the resentment and the things that I had thought about for the last 5 or 6 years:

In turn, he thought this resentment was about the last 6 months of my life. No, actually, that resentment was carry over from 15 year old Angela. And 15 year old Angela is telling me not to get involved with him now. I think the resentful statements and the prospect of him and I never returning to a partnership, whacked him out.

He also had the great timing to approach me when I was giggly and giddy and not wanting to deal with someone else's depression. When I've been depressed so much over the recent past, when I drop my sadness for a few hours, a day, what have you - the last thing I want is to be there for someone else. Call me a horrible, rotten, friend - frankly, it's the damned truth.

I should not be his only confidant and best friend.
And the fact that I am, is not my fault or problem.

This resulted in said circumstances, and aroidan backing off, feeling hurt, and not talking to me. Or something.

I don't really understand, nor is it worth the time and drama TO understand.
I just wanted some peace after my breakup, and instead it felt like a lot of extra noise that didn't need to be there.

He wrote a verbose e-mail, in which his meaning got totally lost.
So I acknowledged I got his email, because I know it's infuriating when people do not even take the time to acknowledge it.

Other than that - I had no energy left to deal with much more than to accept that he won't be talking to me for a while.

I still can't shake the feeling that all his big plans to be my "friend," were in lui of something more. I know part of him wants to be a friend, and then there's a whole other side to Steve that has desperate hope that him and I will be together again. Or else, he is basing friendship off of what we had in the beginning, before we started dating. And in my mind, that was more than what was healthy for me at the time, and now.

Right now, that discussion is just not where I want to be.
2/3 weeks after my breakup??? For gods' sake, he couldn't just lay off a while in the beginning.

And regardless, the fact I even had to have a discussion about his intentions this early on in my singlehood signals a beacon warning to me somehow.

*sighs*
At least things are no longer in a limbo place for me.
I just have to hang on and learn how to live life better.
Obviously people learn how. Monk and many others did it. So can I.
I think a trip to the ocean with my mom is in order, or something. And soon. I got to get away from life. And I don't have enough money right now to take a real trip.
So - I'll make do with a minitrip. Not sure when!

And another thing. My IM clients are choking repeatedly. And I don't know why.
That makes me feel retarded.
I should be able to figure this out.
IM is my sanity sometimes. And I don't have it today :X

-Angela