"Hello, World!"

[angelak]

And the morning begins.
For quite some time, I have started about 10 entries and never finished them. For some reason, today of all days, I think I can actually complete a full entry. Perhaps it was the drive (yes, drive) in to work that might be a slight guiding force here. I always found that driving or riding in the car caused an avalanche of thoughts and inspirations. When I moved so close to work, I soon began to realize this.

Aside from being tired last night in a new, slightly stressful environment (one could indicate that the stressful environment was stressful due to chaos, though I like to believe a lot of good things can come from chaos, just as good things can come from order.)

A face to a name. A voice to a person. These are things that I found solace in, mostly last night. The things that most agitated me, mostly consisted of infringing on anyone else’s comfort, (my dogs affecting others) and feeling frustrated to the point of no control in this aspect. Some things are not all our own problems, I understand this. However. I think my problem was that at 2AM, I should have meandered out and let Rufus out. Somehow, my overly-stimulated (though seemingly spacy and shyish) brain did not make this jump. Instead, it found it much better to be frustrated, grumble, and not listen to my dog’s communication signals at all. Where the hell was my brain? I’m not so sure.

Today, feeling no less rested than any other day of my life, is a short relief. Although exasperatedly having no idea where my coat was hung in the closet and groping in the dark, for hopes not to disturb couch-lurkers, (not that the 3AM outburst of dissatisfaction didn’t disturb me for the next 2+ hours while I had plenty of time to half-sleep-contemplate) … I finally found my coat, with my usual effort to juggle everything, and left to begin my morning.

Good morning, World. (Hello, World!) Oh. Wait. Never mind with the “Hello, World!”
(Scripting/programming, no? *muses*)

Bustling off into the frigid cold, watching my breath cloud before me, I made me way to the trusty Joe.

Scrape the ice. Turn on heat, full blast, and turn up appropriate tunes.
Already the day was shaping up. Who could be grumpy when there are great tunes blasting on the car stereo?

Driving away, I felt awkwardly at peace, after certain high tension from before. I didn’t have to worry about my dog scratching on the door anymore. And I was going to get that comforting-car-meditation that leads to grounding and centering. I was awake. And happy about it.

Finding the freeway with ease also made life easier. At once I began contemplating the previous evening and the events. Petite and beautiful woman, a bit high on the attitude side. *ponders* Nothing about her enamored me to feel talkative, or at ease. It’s all good. It’s not the first time I’ve had to deal with a woman whose existence consisted of either strong dislike of me, or extensive evaluation every time I set foot I her presence, or something that I potentially will never understand. Not everything is for understanding. I have to remind myself this.
Take Steve’s mother for instance:
... She Hated Me.
In the adult world, popularity is not my concern.
I left that arena when I was 15 years old. It can stay there.

The crux is that not everyone has to like you. Or even be polite to you. Haha.. All in all I came to the conclusion that the evening was well worth it, in spite of my dog-troubles.

The drive in consisted of watching the darkened sky lighten against the dark clouds.
The past echoing behind me. Approaching I-90 gave me a sense of routine. “I’ve been here this time of the morning so many times before.”

And the perfect moments of singing to my music, where no one could hear me, driving in my car, at ease, staring at the midnight-blue tint of the horizon in front of me – brought me to a place where I have not been in many months. At ease.

The night wasn’t an easy one. Though for the first time in months, I feel so much less confused, less angry, less hurt. Though, as I began pondering – regardless of what the coming months bring, who is involved in my life and where the state of affairs goes, I know that I’d rather endure hurt than to never experience people to the fullest potential that I may. I love to know people. And when I find one I like, I take full risk for the pains that may, or may not lie ahead in the sands of time and the web of space.

Music pulsing in my ears still. Speeding far too much. 80 miles an hour. Alive. Awake. Alert. Ready to experience another day in the existence that I call, “Angela.”

Even on the roughest, most exasperating moments – I recognize that I am in life for the experience. Every moment of new territory lends me to learn more about myself, and about those around me. What does it mean to be alive? It means to trudge our way through every aspect of life.

Feeling excessively shy, quiet, and tired yesterday evening served to my advantage. I fell asleep watching the FireFly pilot. It was more than nice because of the gentle person beside me.

The car rattled along in it’s quest to my dwelling. The parking lot that I feel I stare at far too often. The parking lot with the city hall building and the familiar market across the street. The police cars taunting me every time I drive by. Occasional law enforcement officers wave, as I drive by. They know me. And in that sense, it feels good. A place where I belong, or a place that has adopted me in the last 3 years of my life. I have worked with the police for the last 4 years. That girl (four years ago) somehow commanded respect from these officers. Was that me? How did I get here? I had to earn a lot of respect. I appear much less than I am.

I have lived in my Duplex for roughly 3 years of my life. The journey began with a man who I still consider of value as a friend in my life. The journey ends with the much-needed company of the dogs. In spite of their eminence as stressors last night, and the fact that it was a rare moment where I desperately wished I didn’t have dogs… the truth is, I’d be lost without them. Lost in the sea of humanity, lost in the sea of language and judgment.

Approaching the interchange exit – I jammed on the gas.
75. 80. 85. 90. 95 miles an hour.
Music.
I smell like him.
Bliss, quite frankly. I love scent. This is something that warms me inside.
90. 85. 70. 65. 60. 55. 40. 35. Slowing to a stop.
The curve of the offramp. Driven this a million times.

Sultan, Redmond, Issaquah, Kirkland, Monroe, Woodinville,
Seattle, Burien, Bothell, Bellingham, Everett.

Where does this girl end up next?
Story of my life. I am on wheels.
I am happy this way.
The miles pass beneath my wheels. Swallowed into time.

Rewind.
17 year old Angela in a shiny black Camaro. Windows down, any weather condition.
Exhaust leaks in the cabin of any car is a concern.
The car is there for me in a way no one else is. I am encapsulated within it, and if its fate is met poorly, then so too, is my own.
Speeding up the road in Redmond near Swan Lake. 3AM. Time to go home. Deer? I hope not. Curves and the steering wheel and life. Sultan. Must get to Sultan. I have fallen asleep at Steve’s and I need to go home. Do my parents get upset? My mother works nights and my father gets up early enough so that he couldn’t be bothered to give the full-time student, part time cashier a curfew.

Fast forward.
Steve has moved out. He has his own life. Our lives have finally taken separate paths.
I slam my car around the corners as I stop abruptly in my parking space at home.
I ponder on a new interest. Things are what they are.
Things happen as they happen.
Robert’s existence to me has waned.
I deleted his phone number and all his text messages in my phone.
I have created my own closure. I will not make the same mistake with Robert that I did with Steve. I will close that chapter of my life, and move on.
As I have finally found it within me to do with Steve. Serious relationships are rough.
Why is it that I gravitate towards them, even if I am not trying?
I’d rather give someone all of me, than bits and pieces. That is why.
Bits and pieces are like random scenes in movies. Unless you piece them together, they are worth so much less to me. I want the whole story. Even if the story can be unpleasantly gory. Even if there are often times so much to fear within that.
The only thing to be done with fears, is to face them.

The new Angela is no longer the pessimist of the past. The girl who looked at the world from a glass that was half empty. Robert taught me that pessimism can be too dismal if consistent. I had always been the more negative one in my relationships. Until Robert came along. Doubt sullies the waters. I am tired of looking through murk like that in my own life. I am renewed.

Ground and center. Focus. What god can help guide me in my quest for knowledge about patience, about understanding, and about wisdom? Athena is far too war-like. I am a peaceful lady. Though her armor could help me in my desire to not let jagged bullets penetrate my soul. Perhaps I was born a fighter in a different way. We all fight our own wars. Perhaps they aren’t all about physical violence, and the metaphor is different than the obvious.

Home now.
Garbage day.
Dogs out. Hot shower.
Clothes, makeup, jewelry.
Work cell, backpack, work keys, out the door.
6:59AM.

I sit down at my desk. I log in.
The Tim-s are in the back yammering on about some thing or other.
I decide not to join them, this time.
I decide to enjoy the receptive nature of my keyboard.
Coffee?
Not yet. I am awake.
Coffee is for the 8:30 lull.
My brain pounds away.
Work plan. Sunshine.
The world is a beautiful place.

Where will I be in 10 years? I’m terrified.
I live. No need to try and peer down a timeline this time.
Shifts again.
They will never end.

And if for some reason this post makes no sense to you.
That’s because clearly, it wasn’t written for the world to understand.
It was written for me.
To look back and remember in the moment, what was coursing through my brain, my heart, and the dark recesses of my soul.


-Angela

Comments

[nobodyberry.livejournal.com]

Now that's more like it.

...And I would say Artemis would be more up your alley...

But... but...

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

I don't try and kill men who have seen me naked. Honest.
:)

I think it's Arty that was said to have done that.
:))))

LIANNA YOU BITCH. I'm dumb. I call you. Tonight. Promise promise promise promise promise.

-Angela

Re: But... but...

[nobodyberry.livejournal.com]

Okay, so she may be a bit rusty socially, but I was thinking more in terms of the moon/nature references.

I dunno, Goddess of the Hunt just sounds like you somehow. You may not be literally hunting down men, per se, but the role of hunter seems to fit you, IMHO.

Anyway, my schedule for tonight: Should be home by 5pm, but then most likely leaving again at 6:15pm, depending on weather. Wouldn't be home again till after 9:30pm. Dance practice. I suppose if the roads are totally nasty we'll cancel, but I'm going to try to get in my exercise if at all possible.

[moshker.livejournal.com]

I really found that to be inspiring and moving. You so kick ass. I really enjoyed your company in my entirely too complex life last night. I was very sensitive yesterday and your perfect softness was very comforting.

O