My Hurricane passes

[angelak]

I find it hitting me when I feel the most invincible.
A sting that you didn’t expect.

It’s not that I want to go back in time, or that I want it back.
It’s the slow and dull realization that my baby is gone and he’s never coming back.
And that’s how it’s supposed to be.

The searing moral confrontation that we weren’t right for each other and that everything that has happened in the last few months … didn’t include him for me and didn’t include me for him.

It is the visions in my head of him taking down our picture from his fridge; my sensual poetry in his bedroom, and even the stupid screen saver I put up that said, “I love you, -Angela,” and the background.

It is the few belongings that I just can’t bring myself to ask for.


I held my temporary place in his heart. Like so many others did, before me. My turn in this ever-changing role is over.

It is the realization that no matter how right or wrong someone is for us, when we love them so deeply, it hurts to have them vanish. And it touches us. For months, and months – and forever.

I felt invincible. Felt like the world was in my palm for just one moment, and that it was just me.

That I could pull this “alone,” thing. He always said it was what I needed, didn’t he? Maybe, just maybe it was the effective day at work where I didn’t suck for once.
I know I can be good at my job. I just feel like I could be so much better than I strive to be anymore. And today I did my personal best.

Like I used to do every day.

It was the workouts two nights in a row – and feeling right about that.
It was the dogs reminding me someone needs me and it doesn’t have to be a human.
It was the shower that made me feel so clean and good.
I felt alive and wonderful.

Maybe it was because my chakras felt elated.

And then it hit me.
The lack of phone calls on my phone; his voice vanished from my world.
And I knew I had to feel it; because I’m so afraid to let the pain slip by - shutting it out. Not feeling. Not dealing.

And so I felt for moments.
The glory that we call pain, grief, loss.
This man touched me, shaped me, changed me. Forever.
Like all people who touch us like this do.

And I am left so happy that we shared the time we shared together.
Sometimes I feel anger.
Today, I feel pure joy for what we had.

And maybe the intensity of the working out lately has been doing its own chakra clearing.

Shit gets knocked loose.
And it’s not always a bad thing.



Hurricane
Written by [KAS - that's me.] - March 22nd, 2006

The world saw the eye
The quiet, calm center - that was really your exterior.
I saw the storm
You were lovely and turbulent
You were my friend
You ripped things apart
You were my teacher
You left nothing untouched
The world saw the eye
And I was left with the aftermath of you
The terror
The chilling wind; the breath of your life
As you blew through my heart
And ravaged my soul with your intensity
But you were so beautiful
And so devastating
And the world still sees the eye
You move on
Someone else will see your storm
Your beauty
The world will see the eye
Of the hurricane that you are


And for now. I feel as though I was meant for no one.
Unclaimed. Unframed.
"Your love isn't fair, you live in a world where you didn't listen - and you didn't care. So I'm floating, I'm floating on air."

I am purified now.

-Angela

Comments

Your poem

[lazuli93.livejournal.com]

Is really beautiful.

Very well done.

[wayfarer-atlas.livejournal.com]

Let me just say, "Wow!" Very powerful.

I understand. Oh yeah, I understand.

The anger is from loss and frustration, but the joy that comes out of love - nothing else in the world can touch it. It's so much better to feel (even if not all the feelings are pleasant) than it is to be dead inside.

Thank you for sharing this moment with your friends. I'll see you this weekend.