Ramblings filled with thoughts in my head

[angelak]

Life is an interesting place.
A showcase of lessons, intricate and perhaps some very simple.
I’m just trying to hold onto the hope that there is someone amazing out there for me – still.
Part of me is very content with how my life is in many ways right now.
There's the other part of me that feels like a pathetic hopeless romantic. I never saw myself in that light before.
Yet - here it is.

That all my experiences so far will one day lend me many iota’s of perspective on how right someone else will be for me. Though, it’s situational, timing, and compatibility. I feel as though I am running as hard as I can underwater right now. Silly, I know.

Last night I felt in general, feminine of sorts. You are probably wondering what this means. For once I was just not analyzing every move I made. I was just tired and moody and so I had chamomile tea and finished my evening sharing a thought or two with some folks on IM. Let's label it this: EMOTIONAL.

I commended myself for the workout on the e-machine. I ensured that though I’ve been doing 9 resistance, that I would go to 10 for the last several minutes. This was hard. Though I cannot say I regret it, seeing as now I feel the better for it. Endurance training, and hill training.

It looks like I will not be in shortage of hiking partners. This I am glad for. And I am sad that I never really got to share the hiking experience with Khaya. He had purchased a brand new pack that we never tried out. Drats. I wonder if it is still sitting in the corner of his room? Hmmm. Come to think of it, we missed out on a lot of fun plans. Though I am completely forgetting how uptight he could be during trips. Instead of relaxing and having a good time, he tended to stay on the *serious* opposed to just relaxing. Which is sad. The few trips we took were all examples of a certain level of flexibility. It wasn’t quite as easy-going as one would think.

If I think back – I’m willing to remember him in reality. I was frustrated by the fact he wasn’t spontaneous at all. Do not get me wrong I like plans, and it certainly was not all about plans. It was partially about moment-to-moment enthusiasm. I guess he never really got amped visibly about much. So when I think of it that way – I realize the reality of things.

So, back to the showcase.
There are many questions left unanswered.
The real lessons I have yet to understand completely.
That strong, passionate love is not always right.
I am frustrated with the daunting feeling that perhaps I never truly understood his feelings all along.

I had so many ideas of what I was or wasn’t hearing about – that the last session of break-up really threw me off. I think perhaps that is why I took it so hard. Or something. I find that this week he has been on my mind a lot more then the past couple of months. I am not sure why, or what is up with that. I guess we go through phases.
Or perhaps I have been less *distracted* by other folks. I have been spending more time alone this week. And when I didn’t spend time alone (Tuesday specifically) I left a lovely dinner to then find myself reeling.
So many parts of Seattle feel like he showed me them, because up until then, I only had exposure to capitol hill, and even then – it was with him. Because he was at the very first meeting I attended (it was his first Sean Ciall meeting also.)

Oddly:
Something I learned is that everything that was behind my fears at the end about being completely open – was realized in reality. This is really sad.

Hm. Luckily I try my hardest not to drag this kind of thing with me into the next.
None the less. It is harder for me to open up than it used to be.

Working on this.
I am unsure as to what my plans are this evening.
Mel wants to watch a movie; she is getting her wisdom teeth out today.
I feel in serious need to be distracted. From life. I just don’t know if Mel will be up to chillin’ and watching a movie. I get the idea she’s going to exhausted, perhaps sleeping. I am unsure. The girl doesn’t have the best logic skills, no matter how much I love her. Common Sense skills; she’s blessed with varying other things. There are a lot of things I need to catch up on here at work. I just feel that I should hold myself to the real entries.

Black tea. I didn’t even get coffee. It tastes better than drip. It is more specifically “Darjeeling Black Tea” and I am unsure as to whether it has caffeine or not. I hope so. It’s “Stash” brand. Hmmm. Tea snobs, anyone know?

Anyhow. I should honestly go do work now. There are several requests that I am seriously needed for – and currently I was ignoring them to finish up this entry.


-Angela

Comments

[wayfarer-atlas.livejournal.com]

Yes, black tea has caffeine in it. Darjeeling is not an exception. Here's some info on Darjeeling Tea. Here's a bit about caffeine as well.

Personally, I like Oolong tea from Taiwan the best, but I was converted to being a tea drinker over there...

I'm glad that you're enjoying your workouts and that you're getting ready for what proposes to be some wonderful hikes this spring and summer. Let me know if you'd like me to join you on any of them.

On relationships, I am myself also a hopeless romantic. As I've shared with you, I know full well the perils of strong, passionate love. Being a romantic isn't bad, you just need to remember temperance. I think working on yourself and being comfortable with yourself, as you've been discovering recently, is a great help both for you and whomever you find as a partner.

On Seattle, or anywhere that has specific memories of just one person, it may help if you go out with a group and do very active and/or fun things. So that you can be in a place and not have the mental time to brood on the past. Maybe even meet new friends for totally new experiences.

-- Romantic (platonic) side thought: Ah, a fellow romantic. Someone who understands. If you were not currently dating someone, I'd send you flowers. Just because...
As it is, I wouldn't want to seem as though I were intruding. *wink*