Thursday Morning

[angelak]

Yesterday after work was nice. No evening-work commitments, and no softball. (This is the last Wednesday until August 16th where this will be true.)

I hurried down to Bellevue because happy hour was no longer being held in Issaquah. It got changed to Bellevue, much to my annoyance and frustration. Because I really wanted to see Mel, I drove down anyway in spite of the fact my trip to Bellevue would be for 20 minutes tops, of visiting with Mel.

Traffic was traffic. I got down there and they had already paid. No big deal, I am trying to hold off on as much spending as possible. The real reason I was going was not for the drinks, it was for the visiting.

I begin visiting with her as quickly as I can once I meet up with them. I talk to her about this and that. Of course, Susan – the one girl who had met me while I was dating Khaya, was like, “oh, right. That’s you,” having remembered him from the New Years party that we had gone to. The last hellish party like that he will ever have gone to.

Again – I have never had a worse New Years Ever. Bringing in 2006 was me in tears in an upstairs bedroom. That doesn’t happen!

So Susan brings up Khaya. Instead of talking about my new handsome, and exciting boyfriend – I become the center of 20 questions about my ex. My favorite was, “did you ACTUALLY have sex with him?”

Well, of course I did. Jesus people.
Although I am the sort that is okay with answering questions, to become suddenly the object of a whole table asking me these things – well, it was a little frustrating. I don’t want to focus on my opinions of the past, necessarily. To me, it was enough that at the time, Khaya was the person I was supposed to be dating. It was the decision I made in those moments, and honestly, I don’t regret it at all. I regret that I didn’t understand a lot of his true feelings until the very, very, very end – however, I do not regret that he was my boyfriend on account of age for one moment.

I admit, I do not miss at all that awkward moment while people figure out that the older gentleman is my guy and I am youthful. I enjoy that Jim is within a couple of years of my age and that this being said, there is no worry about other folks at all.

I discussed with Mel the Iraq deployment issue briefly. Sadly, she is rarely on the same plane of thought as me. About anything. It never ceases to amaze me how she comes from right field entirely and I seem to come from left.

She said she wouldn’t want to wait for a boyfriend if they went to Iraq. Each to their own Will, but she seemed to think first off I’d be the same way. The issue, I know this is rude to say, however – I am going to say it because it is how I view things:

Mel needs someone to be there and she enjoys letting her guy control what is going on in her life. This is her Will, whether it is conscious or not.

For me, I know that I have a lot of personal projects in my life that can never get enough attention. As disgusting as this may sound, if Jim was deployed, I am comfortable (as I’ve said before) with the idea that it would be a year of personal-project-advancement time, and I would begin working on these things.

(Fitness, magickal study, spending more energy with my friends.)

It just seems my life is so full that if this were to happen, it would be a good thing in it’s own rite.

Not because I want my precious new love interest to go away, and not because anyone deserves to go over there – however, because I think having found someone I feel really good about my connection with, and independence combined, well – it could add up to some great things by the time he got back.

But I don’t think Mel sees things like that. In fact, it is doubtful many people do.
I discussed this very thing with my mother, and she totally understood. But then, that woman understands me very well.

After having this discussion Mel said the ball seemed to be “in my court,” as for whether or not we stayed together. I feel she could not be more wrong. She began basing how Jim is and what Jim would do off of the many other men that are in the army.

As I know, Jim is not the many other men that are in the army.
I myself, cannot base anything off of that.
I base things off of our connection, and I base things off of what comes out of his lips.
And the intuitive feelings I get when we are together, to a small degree.

I get frustrated when I realize she has no true understanding of what that is for me, and that she bases her relationships off of entirely different tenants than me. I have these special tenants that I have amassed along the way through my personal relationships that stick with me, and that I use for the basis of how I view my relations with others.

It is obvious hers are not the same, and that her objectives are different. This I know.
My objectives are first and foremost, about my own choice of path. Myself. I start with me.

I know she likes to be happy with herself, yet I KNOW she is most happy pleasing someone else. I am not sure if that makes sense. I realize she puts the needs of her significant others before the needs of her own frequently.

It’s one of my goals not to do that. Alongside, perhaps. Although I still tend to find my own needs win out.

The conversation went interestingly. I forget she is often likely to bring up the perspective that is least like my own. It annoyed me that she assumed that I’d merely just move on. I would if that was what he wanted. Though, this list knows quite well that the ball is seemingly in HIS court, and that she is a little … removed from the situation.

And for more weird:

After that I went to McDonald’s. I felt the need for French fries mostly. While eating in the dining room I spotted a dragonfly, stuck inside. It sat by the window near the door. I tried to get it to move briefly and it would not. Until eventually I caught it in the lid of my sundae container and my napkin. I opened the door and set it free, it immediately beat it wings hard and flew off. Someone saw me do this outside and was impressed.

I merely wanted to let it out of the restaurant. After this I drove home and went for a walk across Issaquah. While walking I saw Sgt Nash in front of the PD. We had a brief chat. He wanted to know why I was dressed up; I was wearing a skirt. “I wear different clothes than I do working on my off time…”

Feels awkward when people notice this stuff. Oh well. I continued my walk up highlands drive, across highlands drive, down by Fred Meyer. I went down Front Street and detoured on Gilman. I went up most of Gilman, and came back down what becomes Newport way. I turned onto Sunset from Newport and was home at last.

Roughly, I believe, a 10 mile walk. I should drive the distance I walked and get back to myself on that.

Weird #2 for the night:

On Front Street I came across a bird that was on the sidewalk, unable to move. It was another odd moment of nature in my path. I didn't come near it. Sick birds are no things to mess with. It made me feel momentarily melancholy for the creature, none the less. He squaked at me, as if calling out for help.

For MOST of the walk, I felt like this, though:
It was me, the summer night air, the ground beneath me, and my body thanking me for finally getting out and moving – even if it wasn’t a hike. It was about 10:30 when I got home.

I got online and began chatting with faerievixen2 and Ernest, and then I went to bed.
Today is Thursday, and I am taking tomorrow off.
Jim has not confirmed his birthday plans. Pshaw.
Although seeing it is HIS birthday and HIS plans, I won’t complain much.
After all, it is enough that I get the day off.
I might take a hike before I head to the Tacoma area tomorrow – and then show up for his birfday weekend. I think my body would feel the best for it, and I think my conscience would too.

On a completely side note, he has begun playing World of Warcraft at the encouragement of two of his buddies. Not his roomie buddies either.
I simply said, “Do not turn into my ex.”
I think this got the point across.
He said something similar to, “baby, all you have to do is tell me you are bored and I’ll stop.”

That better be true. Or I am not afraid to drive home and find better ways to spend my time. I am sure it is just a paranoid thing related to being traumatized from Dark Ages of Camelot. The truth is, I have become a lot more tolerant of games in general, and even started playing some. Cause honestly, when I am not there, I don’t care WHAT he does. (Within moderation.)

So, this is my Friday and I am looking forward to time with faerievixen2 and glitch25. I love them both dearly.


-Angela

Comments

[bluedrgn52.livejournal.com]

Well, not everyone is bound to understand you, even your closest friends. I have come to find that if you just let them have their own opinions and then you live and act on yours, then it's all good. ^_^ I get where you are coming from though with him being in Iraq. But I think for me it would more or less be the fact that he's there and you're here and you can make the best of it and also work on personal things, seeing as how you can't work a relationship to it's fullest extent when they are that far away. (Tell me about it! *ugh*)
Anyway, just my two cents. Tell him Happy Birthday from a complete stranger on your friends list. lol.
What realm on WoW are you playing on? I haven't played in a while, but once I get "real" internet back (I'm in my building and it's free internet, so we can't game unless we want to get our own internet, which I will be doing soon), I'll probably be playing again. It's fun, and can be a little engrossing, but I play for fun. :)

Realm

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

He's playing. Sadly, I don't think my laptop has those capibilities... video wise.
:X
Sad sad otherwise I might join him to solve any apparent issues, LOL.

-Angela