What the hell is wrong with me?

[angelak]

I woke up in another funk. Here I am, again.
I’ve got to get a handle on whatever this is.
Damnit.

I know I don’t feel the skinniest lately – okay – that’s nothing that really has been known to get me down. What this feeling is, is just altogether down-ness. I know perhaps I need better sleep. Perhaps it is that my mom is no longer in her own dwelling and it means I

1- Rarely get to IM her
2- Get zero real talk time when I do see her
3- There is something vastly missing in our relationship – I have a feeling of “so… anyhow… what else is new…” nonstop when I do see her.

Is this the culprit behind me feeling down?
I’ve mentioned me being moody once or twice to Jim – although not at length.
Is it that I play too much WoW instead of going and exercising? Perhaps that doesn’t help.

I am loving the September coolness – it isn’t weather related.
Maybe it is that, as usual – when I feel like I need someone to really talk to… no one is on IM, and I feel like there is no one to call.

Or is that me super-imposing the idea that no one will want to answer when I call? And then what do I say? Occasionally I suppose I might try and pretend like everything is okay. Something is hilter kilter.

The good news is that I have some lines for a ritual I am going to be in 3 weeks from now, mostly down pat. I just need to add in cues from IRL blocking and real people and I think I’m golden. Mostly!

And I think it could very well be one of my better memorizations ever. I think perhaps in the past I have not tried to get into character as well and perhaps that has been lacking from some of my previous rituals. Not all are about that. I just get a good feeling of growth perhaps and a better method towards memorization. Which is good. I’ve got a lot of memorizing to do in other areas.

I already feel better just talking about ritual. Maybe a small rite that is possibly scheduled for tonight will help me focus on balance and get me back where I need to be. Supposing we still have a go for Mabon.

I just feel terribly disconnected in a couple places, not skinny, not active enough – and a little too unmotivated at work. Inventory hell. Seemingly little progress.
Which begins with me feeling like a total idiot.
My boss noticed I was more on edge than usual. When he calmly looks at me and says, "calm down. Do you need some more caffeine?" (surely we're aware caffeine isn't a great solution when someone is a bit agitated, but let's just let that one ride) you know that he noticed I'm not my usual docile self. Yeah - I can be high strung. Although I manage to, most of the time, keep a pretty even keel at work.

Onwards? Well. The sickness this week didn’t really bring me to any higher level. I missed the hike I would have gone on (ouch that sucks bigtime) and I just. It’s hard to work in my activity level sometimes when I know other people want to do other things. And not just Jim. But it’s got to get back to a priority state where I slash time with others so that I may feel energized again.

Perhaps I need to take a break from the driving long distances and get myself re-centered. As tempting as using my man for support – and although that could be beneficial, I think I may be going down the right tree to think that I need a weekend fortifying myself.

I think I will inform the sweetie and Kelsi – that I will not be heading down to Tacoma this weekend. Nothing personal on Jimmy, and not that I do not miss him – it is just that I have got to love myself right now, and something tells me that if I do not do this now, I’ll face further problems in the future. Perhaps Sunday becomes spa-day with the left-over gift cert from Christopher. And after that – I will remember that Christopher taught me something. It’s okay to do things like spas. I thought it was out of my realm. It’s not.

Some solitude and this sort sounds refreshing. Maybe I will do spa day tomorrow on Saturday, even if it’s really busy out there. Lynnwood. And though I didn’t save any money for this – I could even get a massage if I felt so inclined. We’ll see how far I decide to go. A hike and the spa? Hm. It could just work out.

I am just tired of waking up with a non-enthused state of mind. This is not like me. I normally wake up with a lot vigor for the day. And right now I have tons of reasons to be absolutely happy. I guess we all need balancing and re-centering sometimes. And we don’t always know we need it immediately.

Here’s my promise to myself that I will follow through on this. And I will turn off the computer game this weekend so that if I need – I may write and fortify myself that way.
Cause this bit of doldrums has got to come to an abrupt halt.

-Angela

Comments

[chinchillagirl.livejournal.com]

*hugs* That sounds like it would be good, and good for you - taking the weekend for yourself. I hope it goes well, and I hope you start feeling better. =)

Love yah

[quetz.livejournal.com]

What may help is to write a ritual for yourself--something specific to your situation, and then perform it as necessary. It certainly works for me.

[nobodyberry.livejournal.com]

You can always feel free to call me... I just can't call you *back*.