Empty office?
Jan. 16th, 2007 07:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angelakTuesday morning.
I've signed on for my shift. And yet I have a 9 o'clock oral surgeon appointment.
Although I think the office is empty except for me. Imagine that.
Seeing as Julie hardly shows lately, this isn't a shock.
The position at the police department opened. It seems a bit above my scope.
It closes on Friday.
I flipped a coin to see if I should apply. It said yes. But I haven't brought myself to prepare my papers.
Aside from that - the past week or two have been oddly emotional.
And last night seemed to be some sort of climax.
It could be a few things.
I'd say it was the fact I switched birth-controls (to name brand verses the knockoff of the name brand...)
But, I thought I noticed this BEFORE I Switched. Or was that PMS and then the switch?
And then lately there are issues seemingly with things feeling "unfinished," no finality to my visits with Jim.
This makes no sense I guess.
But the "full" the "satisfied," the, "I whole heartedly got everything I wanted" out of the visits seem to just leave me hanging.
I am not sure what that's about. It may be the routine isn't what I'm comfortable with? This is a first for us and I have yet to really begun to understand fully.
We had some healthy discussions a week ago or so.
It didn't help that the emotional climax was the same time he had to go to work.
9PM. GameStop released Burning Crusades at 12 last night and he had to be there. Which meant he couldn't stay.
Which really was not so fantastic.
Amazing how, of all the rare times I actually feel like I need someone - it is the one time they have no negotiation to stay. The possibility not possible.
That was fine. After all, with most of my other intense emotional issues it ends up being sans-people.
It just frustrated me yet again. This all feels like build up from something.
I am just not sure what. This weather is no help. It absolutely pisses me off.
I never liked snow to begin with.
Not even that little giddiness I notice so many other people share about it.
No, the way people bitch about rain, I bitch about snow.
If I lived somewhere it snowed all the time, well - I think I'd move away.
Where is my rain and where is my sunshine and where is my over-cast clouds?
This ice and snow just adds to my erratic feelings.
I want to get in my car and go. I don't want to fuck around worrying about whether I am going to slide off the road. I don't worry too much and mostly stay in if I don't HAVE to go out. But that's not a good thing for me either. It drives me nuts.
My sister DID slide off the road. And there goes her car, now in need of repair. I am glad she is okay, although I still feel for her. She has a 2004 Impreza (mine is a 2006 Impreza)... I know how much she adores her car and such. It's crummy and something I've always been afraid would happen to me. My nice, newer model vehicle would get fucked for something I could scarcely control. After all - work is work. I think I'd tend to want to try and go to work too, like she did.
Again: Glad she's okay.
Whatever the case. Soon I must drive to the oral surgeons'.
I am a little concerned about what day I can schedule this. I asked Jim if he was down with dealing with me during the wisdom-tooth ordeal...
Although I am concerned about his commitment with this. He said he would, although the moment he got a February offer to go to a concert from his brother in Portland, he opted to go.
His usual enthusiasm for things. I felt hard put, but did inform him that the date of the concert was very well around the time I'd be getting my teeth out.
I'm not good at asking for things. I'm beginning to feel a little overwhelmed with the fact that it appears with Jim I may have to ask for every little thing I want. This isn't altogether bad - it's just harder for me. No automatic back massages, no automatic oral sex, no automatic anything. If I want it - I get the visualization I am going to have to specifically ask for it. I operate a little different. I do things in the spur of the moment and the recipient doesn't even have to request things. I feel challenged about asking for things because then I feel demanding. I know there is a difference, but in my head ... that's harder to get across to MYSELF.
So - this being said, even though I specifically ASKED for help after my oral surgery, it seems... well, I just don't want to tell him not to go to a concert, but this is my health concern. And something we had already discussed. I will be relieved today as I get my consultation - AND, will probably schedule.
Which will make things less complicated.
I guess there are a myriad of small things eating at me lately. This is just one of them.
I have unresolved issues I suppose.
And what gets me is that each time I discover just what these things are - I have to wait the workweek out to really get down to them. And somehow by then, other things tend to happen.
Something isn't working so great for me - I am guessing, which is causing this overhead of stress that I didn't even realize was here until very recently.
Well there it is.
Time to go to the dentist.
blah.
-Angela
I've signed on for my shift. And yet I have a 9 o'clock oral surgeon appointment.
Although I think the office is empty except for me. Imagine that.
Seeing as Julie hardly shows lately, this isn't a shock.
The position at the police department opened. It seems a bit above my scope.
It closes on Friday.
I flipped a coin to see if I should apply. It said yes. But I haven't brought myself to prepare my papers.
Aside from that - the past week or two have been oddly emotional.
And last night seemed to be some sort of climax.
It could be a few things.
I'd say it was the fact I switched birth-controls (to name brand verses the knockoff of the name brand...)
But, I thought I noticed this BEFORE I Switched. Or was that PMS and then the switch?
And then lately there are issues seemingly with things feeling "unfinished," no finality to my visits with Jim.
This makes no sense I guess.
But the "full" the "satisfied," the, "I whole heartedly got everything I wanted" out of the visits seem to just leave me hanging.
I am not sure what that's about. It may be the routine isn't what I'm comfortable with? This is a first for us and I have yet to really begun to understand fully.
We had some healthy discussions a week ago or so.
It didn't help that the emotional climax was the same time he had to go to work.
9PM. GameStop released Burning Crusades at 12 last night and he had to be there. Which meant he couldn't stay.
Which really was not so fantastic.
Amazing how, of all the rare times I actually feel like I need someone - it is the one time they have no negotiation to stay. The possibility not possible.
That was fine. After all, with most of my other intense emotional issues it ends up being sans-people.
It just frustrated me yet again. This all feels like build up from something.
I am just not sure what. This weather is no help. It absolutely pisses me off.
I never liked snow to begin with.
Not even that little giddiness I notice so many other people share about it.
No, the way people bitch about rain, I bitch about snow.
If I lived somewhere it snowed all the time, well - I think I'd move away.
Where is my rain and where is my sunshine and where is my over-cast clouds?
This ice and snow just adds to my erratic feelings.
I want to get in my car and go. I don't want to fuck around worrying about whether I am going to slide off the road. I don't worry too much and mostly stay in if I don't HAVE to go out. But that's not a good thing for me either. It drives me nuts.
My sister DID slide off the road. And there goes her car, now in need of repair. I am glad she is okay, although I still feel for her. She has a 2004 Impreza (mine is a 2006 Impreza)... I know how much she adores her car and such. It's crummy and something I've always been afraid would happen to me. My nice, newer model vehicle would get fucked for something I could scarcely control. After all - work is work. I think I'd tend to want to try and go to work too, like she did.
Again: Glad she's okay.
Whatever the case. Soon I must drive to the oral surgeons'.
I am a little concerned about what day I can schedule this. I asked Jim if he was down with dealing with me during the wisdom-tooth ordeal...
Although I am concerned about his commitment with this. He said he would, although the moment he got a February offer to go to a concert from his brother in Portland, he opted to go.
His usual enthusiasm for things. I felt hard put, but did inform him that the date of the concert was very well around the time I'd be getting my teeth out.
I'm not good at asking for things. I'm beginning to feel a little overwhelmed with the fact that it appears with Jim I may have to ask for every little thing I want. This isn't altogether bad - it's just harder for me. No automatic back massages, no automatic oral sex, no automatic anything. If I want it - I get the visualization I am going to have to specifically ask for it. I operate a little different. I do things in the spur of the moment and the recipient doesn't even have to request things. I feel challenged about asking for things because then I feel demanding. I know there is a difference, but in my head ... that's harder to get across to MYSELF.
So - this being said, even though I specifically ASKED for help after my oral surgery, it seems... well, I just don't want to tell him not to go to a concert, but this is my health concern. And something we had already discussed. I will be relieved today as I get my consultation - AND, will probably schedule.
Which will make things less complicated.
I guess there are a myriad of small things eating at me lately. This is just one of them.
I have unresolved issues I suppose.
And what gets me is that each time I discover just what these things are - I have to wait the workweek out to really get down to them. And somehow by then, other things tend to happen.
Something isn't working so great for me - I am guessing, which is causing this overhead of stress that I didn't even realize was here until very recently.
Well there it is.
Time to go to the dentist.
blah.
-Angela
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no subject
Date: 2007-01-16 04:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-16 04:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-16 09:15 pm (UTC)Really, it's frustrating for all involved.
Good luck with that. It's something that I'm still working on myself - years later. Unfortunately, I have a bad tendency to swing from one extreme to another (not asking for anything or asking for too much). One day I hope that I'll find that balance.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-17 03:44 pm (UTC)I tend to have trouble when it comes to asking for certain things too, although I've worked on it a lot. I often feel like I might be imposing and don't like the idea that I'm 'making' someone I care about do something they don't really like to do on their own.
At the same time, I really like it when girls ask me for things like back rubs and oral sex, because those are things I want to do, but past experience has taught me they are also things that I need to be very sure I have permission to do first.