*sighs*

[angelak]

This weekend has been depressing.
It isn't really the teeth.
It's feeling needy all around and feeling like he only half hits the mark.

Of course he feels unappreciated, because if people aren't exactly fantastic at things I think they should be, I AM less appreciative.

All I wanted was a frozen bag of veggies.
All I wanted was to cuddle. Both things seem to be a real stretch to him - he's got a 1000 excuses lined up as to the cuddling - the wrong movie choices. I just begin to wonder why I didn't choose to go to my mom's. He was just so adorably excited to take care of me and this feels to be going crappily.

I don't think I've felt the inclination to cry so much in one weekend.
I ask for peas and he seriously had such aversions to BUYING peas. He was frustrated and I thought it was at me. It was because he spent money on a cold compresser and it needs frozen every 25 minutes. I'm sorry, but this swelling to me feels like it needs more cold more than 26 minutes. I contially ask for one thing, and he does another.

I seriously don't mean, "go find your own solution," and he also made it seem like the COST of peas was another reason he didn't want to go down, 3 minutes away, to Fred Meyer.
I know I'd have done it in and instant without a second thought - so I was frustrtated. WHY should I have to feel like asking for something right now is such a BIG deal???

I just want to go home now. And be done with this. It hurts more this morning, but it's feeling a little better and I have drugs still. I just thought this would be more like us hanging out and less like him being distracted on his computer. We had a talk last night and that went well - until he got distracted by me talking about myspace and he left it feeling a little unresolved for me. I felt I had asked for too much so I just up on my neediness and moved over to him to try and get that closeness, opposed to the othre way around.

He knew it was a big deal when we first started talking because I did make it quite clear it was causing me to re-evaluate some things.

I know just the other day I said we were still NRE like. We are. Except this surgery crap seems to have brought up some issues I've had in the past. How he handles his frustration. It is unspecific and I usually assume it's me.

I am also just feeling a culmination of lack of self worth in general lately. That isn't his problem - but it really is causing more strain on us han I had envisioned. Sometimes I just need more than he is giving. And I know he thinks he is giving his all. Same with this weekend. The problem is that I don't think that it's really that great of an effort, even if it is. Even if he RST'd, even if he RELUCTANTLY takes my dogs out when they need, and shows a lot of frustration about going and doing something small that I ask of him.

I'm frustrated - only I feel like crap alongside that. It made me realize I did make a huge mistake in trusting him to be the one to take care of me. Good intensions, half assed results. I also realize he has probably never had to do this for anybody. That doesn't help. This is one of the few times I really felt like being coddled. And here I am screwming inside. Example? how I fell asleep during movie 1. We watchwed movie 2
= and then he claims we watched "my movies" and now he wants an action film, or a blood and guts film and all I want to do is curl up and watch sappy girlie movies. I let it go last night but it is all coming back now that he really resisted going to buy peas or corn to put on my face. He got me ice but it won't stay in place unless I hold it there, and the lady at the oral suegeons said that the fucking veggies work great. I had it in my head that I wanted that. And now he feels unapprecaiated. Sometimes I feel unappreciated in general but he brings up his excuses as to why he does things. I am having flight syndrome with this and it freaking scares me. I want to keep this one and yet sometimes I freak out SO much when I realize things sometimes. They're normal life things nad I used to be really good at accepting things as such. I am trying really hard to make my needs be known. But I feel so frustrated still. This weekend sucks and I just want to curl up and forget I exist. Once this is over I have a job to think about applying for. And a job to do that doesn't any longer cause warm and fuzzies. And every arguement we ge into causes me to realize that he may not be ready for me to be closer than I am right now.

And that was something that I've been nervous and hoping for, for a while. And I just cannot seem to bring up these things because I am sure the tension lately is not going to make for a great impression on a living environment situation. That is all. Maybe he'll be back from the store.

Do note this is all venting. I am sure things will get better. I just cannot entirely express all this without causing more damage than is necessary. I am sure when he gets back we'll feel better. I just have a tendency to get extreme with my feelings at points like these. Where enough things build up. I am trying to let it go and relax. Panic sets in sometimes.


-Angela

Comments

[netharos.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear things are going so sorely this morning. I know you really spent a lot of time preparing yourself for dealing with the surgery/post-surgery too. At any rate, from this point on the pain only lessens, and hopefully that will help you feel better emotionally too.

If you need any further help from friends, don't hesitate to ask. I have no plans this weekend, and other than animal care I don't have anything that needs to get done. Maybe others or myself can pick up a few things you might need from the store as well. I was about 18 when I got my teeth pulled, so I was very lucky to have my mom, and my younger brother, around. That's really the level of care I think someone needs in that situation.

Feel better soon; your friends love you and send healing energy your way.