angelak | Work rift at 8AM

What a crappy way to start a morning.
I was generally cheery and ready for my day… until I came in to discuss last night’s meeting. The document camera setup confused me last night – and the laptop had momentarily not worked. I’m not sure what happened at the MOMENT – but prior to the meeting it was changed because someone wanted something moved for a different meeting.

I normally check the document camera, the laptop, and make sure it’s all working. This time I made sure the powerpoint stuff was going to work and I switched over to the doc camera… it looked like it was set up right at that moment. But then, somehow right before the meeting started the laptop stopped projecting. So I went down to look at it. Right there I immediately knew there was a problem for me because I had never seen quite how it was hooked up. So I didn’t know what was necessarily wrong. I unknowingly fixed the laptop, only halfway through the meeting Jerry to need the doc camera. I had called Smith to ask about the setup, he was in a meeting across the street…

He said something about the VGA. Well, I knew it was the VGA, but I didn’t know how they were all hooked into our switcher. Whatever the case… I had no idea what I was doing. This happens all the time with council meeting crap.

Usually the next morning I talk to Tim about it and it is fine. I talked to him about it and he became accusatory. I told him I checked it – and I had. But to my knowledge all Jerry needed was the laptop and possibly the document camera. I thought the doc cam was working right. It wasn’t.

He asked if I checked it. I had!
The issue here is that he then went on about how I had directly lied about checking it because the doc cam was broken down. No, it just wasn’t on…

I was immediately on defense when he called me a liar.
It was downhill because he raised his voice and I did feel threatened. Not physically, but all of my body language took on the argue-mentative tone that isn’t very common for me. I was upset. Immediately. Anyone calls me a liar and I take it super personal. I do! My whole being revolves around self honesty and admitting if I made a mistake. He didn’t make it easy to know I had made a mistake – and then he wanted me to admit that he was justified in calling me a liar.

He had checked it and it wasn’t working and there was no way it could have been working. In his mind – I’d lied.

In my mind – I’d checked it. I just didn’t realize it wasn’t working.
IF I HAD failed to check it, and I knew it, I would have said so.

I have no issue admitting when I screw up. I really, truly don’t mind it. I’m not perfect, I get this.

Siiiighs. So, all of this progressed in heated-yell-arguing.
In the council chambers mostly. New guy seemed to walk in on it. And then he left when he realized it was an ACTUAL larger conflict. He left pretty quick actually. Yikes.

Tim and I continued our session until I started to leave. It was to the point where no good was going to come of it, and I felt my wheels coming off. What do I mean? When my wheels are falling off, it means I’m desperately close to crying.

When confrontation gets SO thick, that even me, the slightly confrontational sort, cannot continue. I just felt ungrounded, rattled, upset, and ready to cry. As I started to leave part way through our conversation he said, “screw you, Angela.”

I just shook my head and ran (flighted?) out of the room – okay, well – run, or my typical fast-paced walk. I had to go. Fight or flight, I was in flight mode. I felt the air rushing past me and all I wanted was my desk.

I went to my desk. Sat down. And gained partial composure. Once rattled, it takes a while to pull it together. That “I’m going to cry,” thing takes a while to get rid of. Pesky. Being female sucks.

So it was. Smith came into his office and I wrote about half of this. And then he asked if he could talk to me and we went to his office and closed the door. I knew what this was about. Just as I had thought about – this was the least professional way to handle the situation. (This being the previous situation.)

He apologized for how he handled it and admitted the line between our friendship (we’re close friends in the office) and the co-workers (especially seeing as for the situation, he is technically my boss in that instance.) was blurred.

He apologized saying it was out of his place to call me a liar and that the whole thing was handled wrong. I wanted to reciprocate, but I was just relieved he saw it that way. I explained why I flighted out of the room – it was because our situation had escalated to a place that had me not exactly in the best command of my reactions.

I wasn’t in control anymore.

He understood and we agreed. This being said, ugh.
He also informed Chris for a couple of reasons. Mostly because David walked in on the middle of our escalation. Bad, bad. David is new and has no idea that this is the first time Tim and I have gotten into a rift in 6 years of working together.

The part that makes it make sense is that the line between professional and friend, like he had said, was blurred. We crossed the line (he said HE did, but I think I probably did as well, as it takes 2 to tango.)

I am relieved that we worked it out once we’d cooled off – although it was no fun at all, and I hope David doesn’t think I am this immature, ridiculous youngster in the workplace.
But then. I’m not going anywhere soon and neither is he… so, I imagine the true work-Angela will come out and he’ll see it was just a poopy day for Tim and me.

Tim stressed that we’re good. There’s more I’d have liked to apologize for but I couldn’t figure out what it was. If he were a boyfriend (which he is NOT) typically this is the point I lack words to describe in this type of situation and I immediately turn non-verbally affectionate. So in a friend-way, the way I deal is I am especially warm towards them for a while. We’ve returned a couple of warm smiles and I feel better.

I felt bad for running off, although I refuse to cry at work.
What a shitty Thursday morning start, no?!

The situation has somewhat exhausted me - if that makes sense? In that emotionally-tired-that-feels physical sort of way. I know I'll bounce back... but wow. At the time I felt like I could have used a hug, of course, a hug would have pushed me over the edge and I'd probably have cried.

-Angela