A Strong Female, Real Life Issues...
Mar. 28th, 2008 09:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angelakThere are a few times when I just get confused.
I had a really good time last night hanging out with Ryan Benson. I got to know his life a little better and realize that he IS doing great, that he HAS moved on and claimed his life for what it is. The way some females would like things, is to have their long-term exes be incredibly stuck ON THEM rather than to necessarily move on - no matter what it is that they may or may not admit.
So, seeing Ryan flourishing was inspiring to me. And it reminded me how much I like him as a person.
Perhaps he was always too good for certain situations, thank goodness he has found his way.
Although some new things came to fruitation. The frustrations with Jim. Subconcious discussions about my fitness, how and what I do regarding it - and the monstrocity that I might become if I "Keep wanting more out of myself physically." Scenerios that seemed light-hearted but directed me to some disgusting body-building woman. I am healthy and lean, and I have a decent upper body muscle mass compared to many women. I take pride in this. I work hard for this. It is no different than when I see athletes in my running magazines or the like. I am not your standard twig of a skinny girl... there is a lot of strength that comes with being self competitive about your fitness. This leads to a certain higher level of muscular physique.
I like it. I have easily fallen in love with the results that a lot of hard work will yield. There aren't many moments where I do not think about how far I have come in the last year, and what that means to me. It is what drives me further in some respects, and it is what makes me want to achieve more out of myself. Jim began referring to the idea of me "maintaining what I have," and not "needing to achieve more," in undertone, and perhaps outright a few times in the last couple of months. He doesn't understand my need to better myself.
But I feel like I have a lot riding on this life style change. I don't want to change back to the old Angela - the one that was okay with being average fitness, average figure. I may be no stick figure like what the models are these days, but I really am my own breed of what I have always dreamed of. I have always dreamed of being stronger than the average girl. I have always been proud of the fact that even before, I was. And now I feel like I have claims on that because there is some muscle strength backing it up. Who wants to be a poser? If you're working out - doesn't it have to be to the best of your abilities to be considered "working out,"?
The concept of adopting someone else's "enough" mindset is just not me, and nor will I make an effort to make it be me. If there's more to have, why shouldn't I demand myself to go exploring for it???
The answers came later in the night when I discussed this with him. Deep down, there is a threat to his role, position, perhaps even masculinity if his woman IS indeed getting to a calibur of strength that equals, or surpasses his own. He wants to have that "I am her protector," instinctive feeling, and when I push myself harder, stronger, and more - it reminds him that I am definitely the kind of woman independant enough to protect myself in many ways. He has prided the fiber of his manhood perhaps on the idea that he can be that savior for me - or any other woman. And right now, and every time I work out pushing myself, he has been in subtle ways, choking on the idea that I may become my own best protector. After all - that is what I personally have always wanted. To be that person I can depend on for everything. The beginning of my transformation has been to realize I needed to face my fears, and rely on me in dangerous and scary situations.
I went to bed feeling angry. Angry that anyone would dare stand in my way and try and sway me of my passions.
He went to bed, perhaps only thinking he had alleviated things by being honest and also admitting things. And resolving not to be that way anymore.
Except that I can think of a few months of offhanded statements and situations fresh in my memory with him bolstering the idea that in order to be "fit," I could do what is "enough." After I realized I was not allowing myself to achieve more with running, I had vowed to take matters more into my own hands and not be complacent in my achievements like he had once suggested. For instance, "3 miles a day is more than most people do. You don't need to push yourself harder than that!" These very statements, stiffling me initially from pushing beyond the great. It was only when I stopped letting myself inside listen to that voice that I heard from him that I began really getting excited about my results. The ones that forced me beyond my 3 miles a day and beyond my slower pace on my runs. As I increase distance slowly, I have also been trying to increase pace. I have succeeded in doing both.
But without my OWN voice telling me to listen to my passions, I would have been stuck listening to his, "this is ENOUGH for you to be fit," voice. Except that in my heart of hearts, I know it makes me happy to be my own personal best. And my own personal best does not include the "enough" mentality as I will call it. HE can have that, it can be FINE for him, and although he has had a lot of experience and been put to the test by other people and asked to repeatedly, it doesn't mean I have to change my attitude, excuse him or exclude him from the fact that he DOES have an "enough" mentality...
I told him initially that if he could not deal with the way that I push my body, that it really was beyond my issue. And he realized and accepted that.
It still made me angry. To think the person that I care about most would WANT me (not intentionally) to be anything other than what makes ME happy. Especially when the only bearing it has on him, is his own lack of security in matters.
Waking up still feeling miffed... and mentioning it later today, he merely said, "I thought everything was fine because I admitted how I felt and accepted that it is a problem I need to deal with."
Does it mean it still hasn't affected me? No. Does it mean it still doesn't make me resentful? No. A bitter sliver of resentment snaked its way through my heart last night when he said it was difficult for him to accept me being so independant physically.
I am proud of my fitness achievements, I am proud of my aspirations to be better.
I live this life once. Why live it weakly?
I live this life once. Why not demand the best from myself, and for myself?
And that of course, is what it is. I am trying to let go of the resentment now.
However, I have made it clear that I will proceed with my body training in the way I see fit.
-Angela
I had a really good time last night hanging out with Ryan Benson. I got to know his life a little better and realize that he IS doing great, that he HAS moved on and claimed his life for what it is. The way some females would like things, is to have their long-term exes be incredibly stuck ON THEM rather than to necessarily move on - no matter what it is that they may or may not admit.
So, seeing Ryan flourishing was inspiring to me. And it reminded me how much I like him as a person.
Perhaps he was always too good for certain situations, thank goodness he has found his way.
Although some new things came to fruitation. The frustrations with Jim. Subconcious discussions about my fitness, how and what I do regarding it - and the monstrocity that I might become if I "Keep wanting more out of myself physically." Scenerios that seemed light-hearted but directed me to some disgusting body-building woman. I am healthy and lean, and I have a decent upper body muscle mass compared to many women. I take pride in this. I work hard for this. It is no different than when I see athletes in my running magazines or the like. I am not your standard twig of a skinny girl... there is a lot of strength that comes with being self competitive about your fitness. This leads to a certain higher level of muscular physique.
I like it. I have easily fallen in love with the results that a lot of hard work will yield. There aren't many moments where I do not think about how far I have come in the last year, and what that means to me. It is what drives me further in some respects, and it is what makes me want to achieve more out of myself. Jim began referring to the idea of me "maintaining what I have," and not "needing to achieve more," in undertone, and perhaps outright a few times in the last couple of months. He doesn't understand my need to better myself.
But I feel like I have a lot riding on this life style change. I don't want to change back to the old Angela - the one that was okay with being average fitness, average figure. I may be no stick figure like what the models are these days, but I really am my own breed of what I have always dreamed of. I have always dreamed of being stronger than the average girl. I have always been proud of the fact that even before, I was. And now I feel like I have claims on that because there is some muscle strength backing it up. Who wants to be a poser? If you're working out - doesn't it have to be to the best of your abilities to be considered "working out,"?
The concept of adopting someone else's "enough" mindset is just not me, and nor will I make an effort to make it be me. If there's more to have, why shouldn't I demand myself to go exploring for it???
The answers came later in the night when I discussed this with him. Deep down, there is a threat to his role, position, perhaps even masculinity if his woman IS indeed getting to a calibur of strength that equals, or surpasses his own. He wants to have that "I am her protector," instinctive feeling, and when I push myself harder, stronger, and more - it reminds him that I am definitely the kind of woman independant enough to protect myself in many ways. He has prided the fiber of his manhood perhaps on the idea that he can be that savior for me - or any other woman. And right now, and every time I work out pushing myself, he has been in subtle ways, choking on the idea that I may become my own best protector. After all - that is what I personally have always wanted. To be that person I can depend on for everything. The beginning of my transformation has been to realize I needed to face my fears, and rely on me in dangerous and scary situations.
I went to bed feeling angry. Angry that anyone would dare stand in my way and try and sway me of my passions.
He went to bed, perhaps only thinking he had alleviated things by being honest and also admitting things. And resolving not to be that way anymore.
Except that I can think of a few months of offhanded statements and situations fresh in my memory with him bolstering the idea that in order to be "fit," I could do what is "enough." After I realized I was not allowing myself to achieve more with running, I had vowed to take matters more into my own hands and not be complacent in my achievements like he had once suggested. For instance, "3 miles a day is more than most people do. You don't need to push yourself harder than that!" These very statements, stiffling me initially from pushing beyond the great. It was only when I stopped letting myself inside listen to that voice that I heard from him that I began really getting excited about my results. The ones that forced me beyond my 3 miles a day and beyond my slower pace on my runs. As I increase distance slowly, I have also been trying to increase pace. I have succeeded in doing both.
But without my OWN voice telling me to listen to my passions, I would have been stuck listening to his, "this is ENOUGH for you to be fit," voice. Except that in my heart of hearts, I know it makes me happy to be my own personal best. And my own personal best does not include the "enough" mentality as I will call it. HE can have that, it can be FINE for him, and although he has had a lot of experience and been put to the test by other people and asked to repeatedly, it doesn't mean I have to change my attitude, excuse him or exclude him from the fact that he DOES have an "enough" mentality...
I told him initially that if he could not deal with the way that I push my body, that it really was beyond my issue. And he realized and accepted that.
It still made me angry. To think the person that I care about most would WANT me (not intentionally) to be anything other than what makes ME happy. Especially when the only bearing it has on him, is his own lack of security in matters.
Waking up still feeling miffed... and mentioning it later today, he merely said, "I thought everything was fine because I admitted how I felt and accepted that it is a problem I need to deal with."
Does it mean it still hasn't affected me? No. Does it mean it still doesn't make me resentful? No. A bitter sliver of resentment snaked its way through my heart last night when he said it was difficult for him to accept me being so independant physically.
I am proud of my fitness achievements, I am proud of my aspirations to be better.
I live this life once. Why live it weakly?
I live this life once. Why not demand the best from myself, and for myself?
And that of course, is what it is. I am trying to let go of the resentment now.
However, I have made it clear that I will proceed with my body training in the way I see fit.
-Angela
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Agreed
Date: 2008-03-28 05:50 pm (UTC)That did seem to alleviate some of the "fear" factor.
It is just something I never had to face - that misconception aspect. Your body won't DO unnatural things unless you're unnatural about it, I'm thinking...
-Angela
no subject
Date: 2008-03-29 05:59 am (UTC)