Much ado about self discovery

[angelak]

I feel like life is coming around... this knee injury has thrown me for a loop. I understand it's got to be some sort of larger life lesson for me.
And I know that when I do get around to getting back to my routine I won't be taking any of it for granted. I started doing circuit training yesterday minus the lunges and squats. It felt good just to go through the familiar motions. I hadn't thought I'd fallen so deeply fond of everything that I've been doing. I just did it because I was afraid I'd stop.

And now when I go back it will be significantly different. I feel at home mentally exercising, and it gives me peace of mind. I don't know how much of my mental horrors are from not exercising and other things, but I've been really ungrounded. I'm trying to let my emotions level out and trying to overlook the things that I just can't change.
Like my boss. How he views the world. Like my injury. It can't stay broke forever. I just want to be able to burn a few calories and eat wisely.

So, no matter on my lungs and where I was at running - I've got to just take it one step at a time and not panic because in 5 years none of this will be bothering me.
I am hoping to do something physical today, the issue is that it is harder to know what I "should" allow myself. I want to run... but should I?
Maybe I will try to swim after work instead and see how that goes with my knee to burn some extra. I hesitate to CT 2 days in a row. But I do think now that I have graduated to 20#ers I am going to see a difference with how solid the guns are getting.

Here's what I think...
The bottom line for me is that I keep all these things I have worked so hard to get. For over 6 months I've been building muscles that never existed on my body. 22 years of my life, I was average. Oblivious and sometimes that is a little easier... but to change in the last year (the 23rd) year of my life, means that you fall in love with the changes.

Who wants to lose all that? It's a fear of loss that has been really nagging at me for the last 2-3 weeks. And when I get scared, my reaction is to DO something to alleviate my fears. I stand behind the "stop whining and change it." Well, I couldn't DO that. I had to sit and stop. Seldom in my life have I been forced to do this when I really WANTED to make changes. I've always had the "Freak out," and then, "step back, wait... stop freaking out and CHANGE" step that followed almost immediately.

I don't say I don't whine and freak out.
But immediately usually following that phase of things for me, I hit my aspirations hard and effectively.

And this provides me results. Results that kill my fears and kindle dreams. And even if the results are slow and tantalizing, as long as I feel like I'm making SOME progress... I'm happier.

But lately... all I could do was whine and whine and whine. And not do. Anything. Or see. Any results. The results I am dying to start working on are those that show me that I can be as good, if not better than I was before my knee started giving me trouble.

Sometimes I don't give myself enough credit for how I run my life. But this is how I run it...
I remember once a person I knew that used to be my friend (does not matter who they were) kept telling me all I did was whine. Contrariety; I whine which begins my planning process of doing. I'm a Virgo. I've got to see a path. But after I SEE that path, I tantalizingly want to follow it. And see where it takes me. Lack of patience has taken me so far in life. So many people see impatience as a major drawback. In my life it has yielded some major assets.

I am finding that although it has helped me to be young and have a career 6 years old already at 23... this current phase of my life is requiring a lot more patience.
Although my office has been putting me at my wits' ends... I also realize I can maximize this situation to my own benefit. Not liking things around here can also remind me that the best way to approach it, is to attack the parts that annoy me. More production.
Travis thinks I should hit the streets tomorrow and look for a new IT gig. I think this is short sighted. Although it sucks here, I have my retirements and vacations mounting. It is time to reap the last benefits here before I move on. Take some quality time off, get my teeth taken care of, use the medical, all that crap.


Again. Patience.
I am not, however - adverse to this "patience" crap in my life right now. It feels right. I am not even struggling with it beyond what peripheral folks will ask me.
But I agree that the sea turtle might have reclaimed me again for this. Much like I felt lost and needed to find my way home again at the end of my relationship with Robert... I am feeling this way with my career.

I'm lost. I need to find my way again - and so it seems the sea turtle has returned.
(Read up on the Sea Turtle, it will swim halfway around the world but one day return to the place that its egg hatched.)
To me I take this as a metaphor for finding the right way through the universe and "homing" back to balance and righting my own life.

Anyways. Work to do. Judy to blab to.
Suffice to say; I feel skinnier. This is important.
Because how I feel is every bit as important as the actual numbers on the scale and the measuring tape. (I am not using the measuring tape until the end of May - I think it best not to micro-manage body size. Especially with how haywire my brain has been.)


-Angela

Comments

[nobodyberry.livejournal.com]

Water is a fabulous way to exercise and take some of the strain off your body. My mom taught aquarobics for most of my childhood, and 99% of her class were elderly types - those who could not quite do the regular aerobics.

And perhaps instead of running, just walk instead? A little easier on the knees, but you can still get out and be DOING something.

Also, have you looked into wearing a brace or some sort of temporary support? I've seen a lot of people do that when they want to exercise, and it seems to help.

I totally know how it is with the lack of patience. :) Silly Virgos are we. But life will always throw you back a few paces from time to time. And the fear is healthy -- I see it as a certainty that you'll be able to remain on your chosen path.

Be ware, sort of off kilter

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Be ware, sort of off kilter.
But here's the low down.
This isn't what everyone (including me) assumes it is.
This knee issue.
My doctor told me not to walk. It's a lot of impact on your knees too - whether anyone accepts that or not. I'd have loved to have been walking.
Prime example? Even an hour washing my car or less caused me some pain on Sunday.
And now. NOW. 3 machines later, my knee is really hurting from kneeling, up and down and crawling. My leg is twitching and now I think it really HURTS.

My boss wants more production.
I want to cry.
Swimming is well and good except I hate smelling like chlorine.
I'm on the edge again, and I had felt so serene. I fucking want to scream. It was nearly entirely alleviated until 2-3 hrs today of machine upgrades.

-Angela

Re: Be ware, sort of off kilter

[nobodyberry.livejournal.com]

Ah, suck. All I know is that when Brent injured his knee a few years back, it took several months and physical therapy before it could function normally again. I hope your road to recovery is quicker than that.

But even if it's not, I know you're a strong, resilient individual, and you thrive on challenge. You have my utmost confidence and support.

Re: Be ware, sort of off kilter

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Swimming.
It's a good idea.
Everything has its drawbacks. BUt I think chlorine can be dealt with.

BUt ja. I am going to Physical Therapy...
They say "a few more weeks" according to my doctor, and I have 8 sessions of PT prescribed. I am hoping that since I am pretty fit around my knee already (I just did something I usually DON'T do) that it may take less time.

These things can take months. Or maybe not...
It's hard to nail down, but I DO think physical therapists may be better at giving me these answers than say - the contemporary doctor somehow.

I will be doing my best to stop Virgo-extreme-scenerio-ing the situation. Well, or whatever it is. That's what I was doing when I commented. I was FREAKINg out. My apologies for biting your head off. I thought about it later and figured you might understand that sometimes when you're freaking out, stupid things come out of your fingers ;)

haha. Oh man.

I am trying to keep positive because being down is making me so insane.

:P

Again - oh man.
If I have anything to do with this - I will be willing it with everything I have that it will be a speedy recovery (as in not years or months in the making!!!)
Here goes nothing in the next few weeks. My first PT apt is Tuesday. Maybe they'll have some magick exercises to make my knee behave!!!

Re: Be ware, sort of off kilter

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Tempting
To
Buy a waterproofing agent for my ipod.
But every time I look at their pricetag it makes me choke. I could buy a new ipod for that price...

:P

But damn... I spend more time swimming than I did running because... well, it takes more and it's easier to do sustained...

DOT DOT DOT. Hm.
Dilemmas.

-Angela

Re: Be ware, sort of off kilter

[nobodyberry.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I wasn't offended at all; it was completely understandable that you were upset.

It's too bad that the lakes are probably still ice cold -- though I don't know your feelings on sand and muck as opposed to chlorine.

Anyway, the PT sounds like it will be good. While doctors are trained to heal, physical therapists are more into the recovery process.

If it starts to freak you out again: take a deep breath. Then take another deep breath. Then give yourself a hug from me.

[dudelovenext.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry about your knee. :(

I'd say in the meantime, just do excercises that don't use your knee (probably more free weights and stuff). I'm sure that could hold you over until your knee is better. :)

And I know what you mean by finding your path...I think I'm still finding mine...

*hugs and positive healing thoughts*

Thanks dear!

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Thanks!!! Yeah. This week I started more arm and abs. Anything is better than nothing, and besides. Who couldn't use better abs??
And I love targetting my arms to begin with. (Even though I'm a runner at heart.)

Ahhhh, shiat.
Life.
Other reason swimming sucks.
It's boring (blah) no music...
But I was a swimmer too, I used to swim 3-5 times a week for an hour a day. I am pretty familiar with the pros and cons... It DOES burn calories though and is easy on the body. It just smells bad and I hope it doesn't affect my poor fake tan.

;)
I hate chlorine.
I like burning calories.
I hate being injured.
Your healing thoughts welcome.
Love you SK!!!

-Angela

Re: Thanks dear!

[dudelovenext.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I really prefer music when I work out...I'd like swimming better if there were waterproof mp3 players. :)

Love you too! Hope to see you soon!

Re: Thanks dear!

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Well see - there are waterproofing agents for Mp3 players, but I am too damn cheap to pay the same price I paid for the MP3 player itself, or twice as much for one that is already engineered that way.

Random.

-Angela