Some thoughts

[angelak]

I feel like writing.
I came in Monday (my standard day off) to catch up on things that *must* be done today.
I have roughly 15 minutes to make a post ;)

It's been an oddly emotional weekend.
I had been going pretty much the month with improved positive vibes (which is a GOOD thing) but it seems early last week it all sort of crashed. I should remember that Rome was not built in a day. It's going to be a bit of a sustained effort for me to stay balanced, and things can throw that off.

Say – starting over with this whole loan.

The scary thing is I am realizing other things in my life are not as I want them to be. I put a lot of focus into my fitness and had it as a priority above all others. When my fitness was something that I began struggling with because of the knees, it caused me to notice recently that I'm in no real social circle of any kind. This could be bad... but it isn't entirely.

I just find I have a newborn trait: social anxieties.
I've always been the outgoing girl who liked to talk to everybody. I'd tell them everything about me if they had a chance to listen or wanted to. In turn a lot of people talk to me back – and it opens up some really open sort of relationships. It's sort of how my life typically goes.

I started with holding things in my life for the first time in my life because I was scared to share them with people. For instance, career goals. I didn't want anyone to know what that was because... well, it hadn't actually happened. I think I'm learning that selective sharing isn't really my thing. It grates on my personality.

I never tried before, so now I'm noticing it as the consequences come through.
At social events I have attended lately, I felt lonely in the midst of groups of people, awkward, to the point of blushing when people actually DID listen to me. (How is this like me at all?)!!!

I'm the girl that always speaks out in class and everyone wants to shut up...
And now I'm the quiet one. I try to make comments to be more like the old me, because what if everyone is noticing that I'm really uncomfortable?

I feel like the old me who walked around naturally at ease took a bit of a vacation and now I'm left with a stiff girl who is lonely and scared of everything that comes her way. What happened to that inner confidence I once had?

I do focus now on the past and future too much. Too much.
I don't any longer make things easy on myself. I pretty much find myself running from opportunities to remedy my social problems: socialization.

Working out is still on high priority... and I've come to great lengths at improving my lingering injury.
But maybe I need a spiritual/social priority again. I found myself painfully sad at having lost the connections and ability to comfortably sail through a day of social events. Wow, isn't life fun with all of it's random lessons?

Has this year been slated to be the year of lessons? I have 8 more minutes before I need to carry stuff down to the van to upgrade Shay in BLG. (Trying not to use my legs so they can bounce back because they had really flared up last week). But this... does not help.
Also I have a 5K this Sunday. (For which I am excited and nervous. I want to beat last year's time...)

I was going to try and run it with my sister... but I just didn't have the ability to feel that lower-level competition this year. I want to be healed before I run with her. Then I'll have some self confidence back... gods I dream of standing for 10 minutes without hurting, running without caring, going for a walk or riding my bike... HIKING... without worrying...

I want so badly to be the old me who had that all. My dad says I'm young and will heal, even if it ends up being a year or so. And I think for once I believe it. And I believe that no matter where Jim and I end up moving, living, doing... it's all going to be okay. Because I want it to be okay.

Sometimes he is not the most romantic. But he is nothing short of devoted...
And why in all the gods'names are my legs feeling weary even though I took 2 consecutive days off of working out???? Maybe they need food... my legs.


-Angela

Comments

[sterling-raptor.livejournal.com]

Take care of yourself, sweetie. Joint injuries are serious business even for the young, but I know you know that. And there is nothing wrong with moving into a new phase of your life that will have its own challenges and goals. Deep breaths and be bold. The worst that happens is that people will laugh at you and other than being humiliating, it isn't thaaat bad. (Yep, have had it happen.) Be strong, be brave, and most of all be who you want to be. The friends will come.

[vamp11.livejournal.com]

Holy crap we need to hang out. I will call you this evening.

:)

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Oddly enough - this comment actually makes me feel better.

The "it might just suck for a while" is actually just... I don't know. Somewhat comforting.

lol.

Jim hasn't had a credit card either, his credit isn't as good as mine only because he borrowed only for cars.

But yeah. It's... oh so fun ;)

-Angela

[nobodyberry.livejournal.com]

I was going to try to say something meaningful and encouraging, but after re-writing this five times, I realized that maybe I was trying too hard. So I just wanted to let you know that I'm here, being the little black hole in the background. ;)