So there was this one time...
Dec. 6th, 2008 02:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angelakI got tired of my knee being strained. I was all happy yeay look I can run, but every time it acts up it really screws up what I like to call a happy "routine." I'm only happy unless I have some great fitness routine of some sort. As in, it stays the same. It is not sporadic. As in - I can work myself up and continue improving. Not necessarily covering the same fitness level up and down over and over again. That really detracts from my mood and mentality for obvious reasons.
So, after hesitating almost a week because my knees were killing me once again while standing - I know it must do somewhat with the stairs in this place. And the fact that there is something not right about how my muscles are. I have no clue. But on the suggestion and also because I had considered it like 3-4 months ago briefly, and then ran screaming at the cost - I decided that at least if I was doing SOME form of something other than sitting in my house getting angrier and angrier, and more or more depressed about the situations I'm in - I chose to swallow at least some beginning costs of trying out Yoga. Bikram Yoga - to be exact, to see if this could really change my life. Help me while my knee heals (month #8, folks. I'm beyond the idea that anything is an overnight fix - hell, even a 3 month fix). Something to focus my brain on instead of going about being angry and festering over the fact that "I can't have what I want."
So, anyhow. As soon as I came back from Class 1, Jim seemed to be talking about them reaming me for the cost. He had no idea it cost that much. He was all somewhat yippee skippy until he realized the rates are annoying. For the most part - the bloke wants me to be happy. And he knows I'm miserable with this on again off again healing business. He has been here to witness the worst of all of it.
I had realized that for some time - which definitely prevented me from going into a studio.
And you know - after going to a class, I *know* why people GO to a class, rather than just try it at home. I've tried random poses at home for *what the hell* purposes. And it just is not the same. Not if you've never ever ever done ANY yoga before.
Which describes, me.
Needless to say, I get so tired of his financial paranoia when __ call me a bitch, but I make decent money, and yes, can handle the situation if I take it carefully. And consider things VERy closely for a while. It is not like I am taking HIS money and buying myself shit. It is not like he is supporting us - we are equal in our bills and status, and the rest of my money is basically... well, mine. Therefore, I get his worry seeing as we are in the first portion of home-ownership, but at the same time, staring at a number in the bank does me no good if I cannot live my life happily anymore. Which tends to happen when I am this injured and out of sorts. It is not like I do not have savings banked to cover me in case shit hits the fan, and it's not like I don't have a skill set that brings home more than his lack there of. I am not being a bitch, it just is how it is for he and I for now. He has no real inclination to better his job position, and I have a stable, steady, decent income. Even when he paid nearly NOTHING for rent, in our last place, did he freak out every other day about money.
I just felt like after taking deep consideration about where this yoga could take me, I'd rather spend a few hundred dollars, look back and see that it changed my whole life, rather than keep traveling the same course that has been unsuccesful for 8 months. I cannot bear to try the same old shit over and over again and continue to say "WAH iT"S NOT WORKING." Guess what? I need life to heal me. In so many ways other than just one.
I know this is entirely different than the sort of fitness I pretty much adore (running intensely, and weight lifting) but, you know what? I'd rather do this and feel better and perhaps heal and do whatever the fuck I want when I want - than to be stuck sitting on my ass, watching my bodyfat shift into a place where it was back when I was 170.
Guess what? It's not going to happen. No. I'm taking control of my damn life and you know, so be it. You cannot always get something for free. I ask him nothing but to pay his part of the bills and to shut the fuck up about it. And if he did not want to enter this home contract thing, he really really should have figured that stuff out prior to signing 9,000 papers about it. I know I did. ;)
Now that the snarking is out, back to reality and less snark:
Really, it is just that we need to talk (talk, talk, talk, talk) and be affectionate (hug hug hug hug) it out and he has to digest it. I constantly forget it takes him a while and then he normally accepts stuff, after he chokes on stuff and spews his puke all over my face. And I don't begrudge his financial thrift. I begrudge the fact that I really am trying to look past the sacrifice of money to get to something that can make my life better.
The other thing is. Admittedly, he suggested today that I *do* have a tendency to think about things, want them, not do them for months, not tell him I was thinking of them because I veto-d them myself over reasons XYZ, and then revisit it later deciding that, "no, I can handle the XYZ downsides" after I took months of consideration. And then I approach him and somehow expect him to bite onto my ideals immediately. Okay, fair enough. I see where some of our tension lies.
I just wanted to get on the yoga path sooner than later, because the sooner I start getting better the sooner I can begin to live my life fuller. And I also was afraid I'd pull out due to fear of cost and just NEW things. So I went BAM as soon as I could muster. The first week + the yoga mat, I used with casino money that Grandma graciously shared with me. So really - it has cost me nothing so far.
-Angela
So, after hesitating almost a week because my knees were killing me once again while standing - I know it must do somewhat with the stairs in this place. And the fact that there is something not right about how my muscles are. I have no clue. But on the suggestion and also because I had considered it like 3-4 months ago briefly, and then ran screaming at the cost - I decided that at least if I was doing SOME form of something other than sitting in my house getting angrier and angrier, and more or more depressed about the situations I'm in - I chose to swallow at least some beginning costs of trying out Yoga. Bikram Yoga - to be exact, to see if this could really change my life. Help me while my knee heals (month #8, folks. I'm beyond the idea that anything is an overnight fix - hell, even a 3 month fix). Something to focus my brain on instead of going about being angry and festering over the fact that "I can't have what I want."
So, anyhow. As soon as I came back from Class 1, Jim seemed to be talking about them reaming me for the cost. He had no idea it cost that much. He was all somewhat yippee skippy until he realized the rates are annoying. For the most part - the bloke wants me to be happy. And he knows I'm miserable with this on again off again healing business. He has been here to witness the worst of all of it.
I had realized that for some time - which definitely prevented me from going into a studio.
And you know - after going to a class, I *know* why people GO to a class, rather than just try it at home. I've tried random poses at home for *what the hell* purposes. And it just is not the same. Not if you've never ever ever done ANY yoga before.
Which describes, me.
Needless to say, I get so tired of his financial paranoia when __ call me a bitch, but I make decent money, and yes, can handle the situation if I take it carefully. And consider things VERy closely for a while. It is not like I am taking HIS money and buying myself shit. It is not like he is supporting us - we are equal in our bills and status, and the rest of my money is basically... well, mine. Therefore, I get his worry seeing as we are in the first portion of home-ownership, but at the same time, staring at a number in the bank does me no good if I cannot live my life happily anymore. Which tends to happen when I am this injured and out of sorts. It is not like I do not have savings banked to cover me in case shit hits the fan, and it's not like I don't have a skill set that brings home more than his lack there of. I am not being a bitch, it just is how it is for he and I for now. He has no real inclination to better his job position, and I have a stable, steady, decent income. Even when he paid nearly NOTHING for rent, in our last place, did he freak out every other day about money.
I just felt like after taking deep consideration about where this yoga could take me, I'd rather spend a few hundred dollars, look back and see that it changed my whole life, rather than keep traveling the same course that has been unsuccesful for 8 months. I cannot bear to try the same old shit over and over again and continue to say "WAH iT"S NOT WORKING." Guess what? I need life to heal me. In so many ways other than just one.
I know this is entirely different than the sort of fitness I pretty much adore (running intensely, and weight lifting) but, you know what? I'd rather do this and feel better and perhaps heal and do whatever the fuck I want when I want - than to be stuck sitting on my ass, watching my bodyfat shift into a place where it was back when I was 170.
Guess what? It's not going to happen. No. I'm taking control of my damn life and you know, so be it. You cannot always get something for free. I ask him nothing but to pay his part of the bills and to shut the fuck up about it. And if he did not want to enter this home contract thing, he really really should have figured that stuff out prior to signing 9,000 papers about it. I know I did. ;)
Now that the snarking is out, back to reality and less snark:
Really, it is just that we need to talk (talk, talk, talk, talk) and be affectionate (hug hug hug hug) it out and he has to digest it. I constantly forget it takes him a while and then he normally accepts stuff, after he chokes on stuff and spews his puke all over my face. And I don't begrudge his financial thrift. I begrudge the fact that I really am trying to look past the sacrifice of money to get to something that can make my life better.
The other thing is. Admittedly, he suggested today that I *do* have a tendency to think about things, want them, not do them for months, not tell him I was thinking of them because I veto-d them myself over reasons XYZ, and then revisit it later deciding that, "no, I can handle the XYZ downsides" after I took months of consideration. And then I approach him and somehow expect him to bite onto my ideals immediately. Okay, fair enough. I see where some of our tension lies.
I just wanted to get on the yoga path sooner than later, because the sooner I start getting better the sooner I can begin to live my life fuller. And I also was afraid I'd pull out due to fear of cost and just NEW things. So I went BAM as soon as I could muster. The first week + the yoga mat, I used with casino money that Grandma graciously shared with me. So really - it has cost me nothing so far.
-Angela
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no subject
Date: 2008-12-06 11:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-07 02:05 am (UTC)(I assume you are doing weight lifting and other strength work with your leg, right? My "graduation" from physical therapy was "Keep doing these exercises for the rest of your life and you'll be fine".)
Yes and No
Date: 2008-12-08 01:26 am (UTC)Possibly causing issues, admittedly. I just tend to struggle with keeping my stretching and weights up in general, so mayhaps this is a great way to incorporate the strength and stretching into my quads without having to really force and not do as intensely the PT exercises.
If that makes sense.
Consistency would be the key...
The problem was, by the time I left PT, I was still noticing pain in my knees. So I never had a great confidence for "how awesome" the exercises were for keeping the issues at bay - if it were.
-Angela