This weekend

[angelak]

I cut my hair last week. That was silly wasn't it? I don't really like my hair shorter. But Jim mentioned he liked it how I had one haircut once. But they never do cut your hair the same way twice. Now I look at it and I'm like "bleh."

Too late now. I'll deal with it.
It's only hair.

This weekend the wheels fell off of my inspiration. I'm not sure what happened. I sort of hit a depressive funk.
I was wondering if it wasn't people asking me about the things that are very much me when I'm not injured.
It reminded me and made me feel like some sort of poser. (haha, poser, get it - Yoga) nevermind.

So jeah. Koe was curious about what I like about running and how I got started.
Heronguy told A I work out a lot. (In so many words). He said the word "hike," and suddenly I was reminded of all the months of hiking outdoors that I've been held back from and it was a bittersweet moment. I'm improving but it somehow caused me to think of my last hike, how happy I was.

How ridiculous it is that I can't do the workouts I want to. Or I'm afraid to. And then starts the downward spiral. I was given on some level to think about it more. I know, that's silly. People saying good things should not upset me. I guess there's just a lot of mental anguish that I forget I am carrying from this whole thing. Am I ridiculous to constantly mourn for what I once was?
Stupid 24 year old... I like tough work outs. I like pushing myself. And although most days I like Yoga, some days I don't. But I'm doing it because I want to heal so badly.
I don't know what to do with myself and my mentality. I know kind folks like Sterling have made suggestions. I need to go back and re read what they were and get a grip on myself. It's all a choice, all this. But sometimes that depressive force just beats me into the ground until I can barely breathe. And everything happy I see around me makes me want to cry even more. Somehow Jim finds a way to cope with me, and the dogs are always great. I do love my home. Nothing about that upsets me. But sometimes I find it is all inside me, and I carry that with me, no matter where I am.

"If What You Seek You Find Not Within You will Never Find it Without."

I skipped Gnostic Mass for Yoga. And then I skipped Yoga the next day. *shakes head*
Random. I don't think I can keep up with the fees for national dues in OTO anyway. Because I'm rolling in it (not really). Joy.

-Angela

Comments

[dreams-in-mime.livejournal.com]

Remember Mike and Iggy from the other day? I have this history with them of bumping into DROP DEAD GORGEOUS WOMEN, at random times and places, who actually know me and are friendly. I used to have a job that lent to that happening every few months. They used to give me this look like "you are a bastard! How the hell?", and it was maybe eight years ago the last time I got that look from them... until Sunday.

Why tell you all of this? Well, folks always complain about how people will tell them they are hot, but they are friends and they are either being nice or have a colored perspective. So here you go, two dudes totally candid. They would have just given me the "we have shit to do!" look if they thought otherwise. Complete random strangers, think YOU are unbelievably hot.

AW, thanks!

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

A nice pick-me-upper indeed.
And it really is always a pleasure to see you.

I actually never complain though when anyone calls me attractive. Mostly because it's rare someone would go to the effort to fabricate that sort of thing ;)

*hugs again*

-Angela

[herongrrrl.livejournal.com]

-I think your hair looks nice like that. But I get that your hair is your hair, and if you aren't thrilled with it, that sucks.

-I have yoga days and non-yoga days too. Sometimes I need the challenge of surrendering to my internal stuff with a good yoga workout. Sometimes I need to just take a long walk and focus on my external environment. Remember that rest is part of healing too! I know you feel like you've done enough of it, but to borrow the yoga term don't forget to "observe the pose" and how it changes you.

:)

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

The hair: I guess it usually takes me a week or so for the hair and me to get used to it (suddenly it goes from being weighed down to poof in .02 seconds)

The Yoga: You know - I never thought of it in those terms, for some of the non-yoga days. It doesn't mean I will spend any less time pursuing getting there. But when I do not go, I value the notion you've suggested here about observing how it changes me.

Thanks for that.

-Angela

[heronguy.livejournal.com]

I totally sympathize with the post-injury things. After I broke my shoulder I felt like a total wimp for months and months, because I couldn't do even the simplest things without pain, and started thinking maybe I'd never get back to my original strength. It still causes me some discomfort occasionally, but I'm pretty much back to being me.

For whatever it's worth, I think your new hair style looks very good on you.

Occasional Discomfort

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Occasional Discomfort would definitely be a great someday thing. Opposed to... everyday discomfort, lol.

and Thanks. ;)

-Angela

[nobodyberry.livejournal.com]

Ahh, the process. There's always that thought in the back of your mind that certain things shouldn't linger so long, but then, there it is. I don't know about everyone else, but it can take me a looong time to deal with some things. And it's not even so much about clinging to it... it's just a process. It takes time. And lots of ups and downs.