Oh, the hole of my sadness awaits. Leave me alone!

[angelak]

Not sure what brought on the sudden mental relapse, but I'm having it. I'm thinking delving into intensive healthy foods, and Yoga and I might be able to come out of it. I'm trying really hard not to bury my head in the sand and pretend like it will just fade on its own.

I think I have to make some serious efforts not to let this take me down. It has been quite some time since I felt this kind of cynicism on all the situations that are my life. Maybe I felt like I wasn't in the place I want to be in forever, maybe I understood that some things frustrated me, but I was able to move on. Right now I just feel like those coping mechanisms are sort of elsewhere. I would sincerely like I pull out of this mental slump without much ado.

I have been doing a pretty excellent job of re-focusing my energies until about... February 5th.
Then I felt all wonky and emotional. February 5th also marked my 60 days with Bikram. My knees ARE tons better. Now if only I can learn to keep on waiting. Everything in my fiber has been noticing the minute details that are my running withdrawals.

The sunshine really brings it out. The urge. Watching all those other runner's toil down the pavement and know that I wish so much it could be me. I'd say it's no big deal, but every time I have to stop it's a big deal. I spent 2 years working up slowly, and it chafes at me that the last year I have had to do just what I had trained myself not to want to do for so long. But it's all connected. Weight, body image, mental happiness, achievements, progression... running, not running. Depression. I should stop fighting my body, stop fighting with myself, enjoy the time off, enjoy the lack of accountability for not having to get out and hit pavement.

What is it that I am missing from it? What can I not get from Yoga that I get from running?
Maybe it's the idea that I can just walk out my front door and pound out some miles. I'm a mover. I like to move. Yoga is a stand-still. It reminds me of my life. Standing still. Working so hard and standing still. I know I'm getting huge benefits, but sometimes it's not enough to always stand still.

My heart is pounding, blood is pumping, I'm using all my muscles. But it's not the way I want it. I want it all out in those elements. I miss running in the dead of the winter. I miss the rain, I miss the cold, I miss feeling it on my skin, I miss the pavement shining with late winter sunshine warming me just enough. I miss the wind making me curse. I miss the water running in my face. I miss the music, the push, the drive, the sweat that mixes with the water. I miss 5AM, I miss silence. I miss my blood pumping, my breath bellowing. I miss zoning out but feeling spent, and then pushing some more.

I miss just going out and not being afraid to give it all I had.
I miss experimenting, going up hills and feeling that conquering feeling of defeating the incline. I miss feeling like I pushed too hard and now I wanted to puke. I miss the speedwork I hated.
Run as fast as you can, fight with yourself over whether or not you were fast. Mental back and forth back and forth.

I miss my dreams and feeling like all I had to do was reach out and chase them with my legs and my arms and my heart.

-Angela

Comments

[nobodyberry.livejournal.com]

The feeling of being denied something that your soul yearns for is quite the agonizing experience. Especially when it's not simply a matter of reaching out and taking it, but something that you have to wait for, as tortuously slow as it may be. But you know that grabbing at it too soon would most likely cause it to stray even further from your reach.

Though, if life has taught me anything, it's that patience is usually rewarded in the best possible ways. And you, my dear, have all the tools you need to make it through. Try not to beat yourself up too much about the backslides. It's all part of the process.

I am continually proud and inspired by everything you've accomplished. You are truly a strong, resilient individual.

Random side note: that Deana Carter song is one of my absolute favs! :)

[rayvenstryke.livejournal.com]

Those dreams aren't gone. Any dream you keep chasing will never truely evade your grasp.