Today

[angelak]

A bit blank. Normally I would stress hitting class.
Because that's what I've been doing for a couple of months now to achieve the daily goal of making the class.

Right now I'm changing my tempo.
I'm not giving up per se. I think I need to settle out before I push myself too hard.
If that means fewer classes, so be it. If I want, there IS an 8:30 because it's a weeknight.
Last day off and then the work week begins.

I feel better today.
Not sure why I was so off base yesterday. OR Friday night.
Or really what this new off and on stuff is.
I bought 4 books on Amazon.com last night while being too awake to sleep.

"The Knee Crisis Handbook: Understanding Pain, Preventing Trauma, Recovering from Knee Injury, and Building Healthy Knees for Life (Paperback)"

"Treat Your Own Knees: Simple Exercises to Build Strength, Flexibility, Responsiveness and Endurance (Paperback)"

"Yoga for Healthy Knees: What You Need to Know for Pain Prevention and Rehabilitation (Rodmell Press Yoga Shorts) (Paperback"

And one that I've seen on amazon and wanted for quite a while:
"Yoga Anatomy (Paperback)"

$50 later, they should arrive Wednesday this week.
Free 2 day shipping if I agreed to sign up for "prime" membership. I already cancelled the renewal automatically charging you $80 a month or something.

I need to do 4 things.

1- Call my acupuncturist and get an apt. in. I haven't been in since my injury.
2- Call my doctor and get in. We need to talk. Even if it gets me no where.
3- Read up and perhaps find the home remedies that herongrrl advised.
4- Do not give up 100% on Bikram Yoga. I've come so far in 2 months to let the strength benefits fade entirely - I think for the next week or so I'll take it easy on the number of classes. I need to regain sanity and masking reality for Yoga practice at this time is not going to be the real solution.

The books will come, I will read and maybe start outside Yoga exercises.
I'm not saying I'm going to be that fanfuckingtastically happy.
I'm pissed off, really. And sometimes outright depressed about this.
But I have no choice. This isn't my choice. No, I can't be how I want to be.
There is also a nagging part inside of me that says I really wish I could start up short runs one or two times a week to keep this "I'm deprived!!!!" feeling at bay. Flat runs?

I'm confused and feel like this really is another crossroads of decision. All knee decisions terrify me. So, first things first. Acupuncture - my clinic will be surprised to see me since I stopped going :(

And my knee doc I saw in October. The same guy.
And maybe the books will shed light on more knowledge I have yet to glean. If I weren't so shitty at checking books out, this would be great. But the library also doesn't always have the books I want at the immediacy I want. Aside from that - who doesn't need some good reference books in their library? Well, I like owning books. Even if I'm not really that rich on spare cash.

I had a "Fuck, who cares," moment about my money last night when I hit the "purchase," button.
I am also confused because I want a vacation, but I'm afraid to spend the money on a real trip.
Jim is on board, now I am waffling. He doesn't know it yet.

I am afraid to take time off to just sit in my house.
(I'd go nuts - right?)
At least during the week when I am grumpy and at work, I have no choice but to be productive on some level as well as distracted from my miseries and depressions. Not that I don't get whiny about work too.

I have issues.
1 year ago - I had life as I wanted it. Today I don't.
It cannot be this way next year. I am not waiting for next year to come this time around. Entire last half of 08 I wanted 09.
09 is here. It IS better than 08 was. But I am still fighting battles.

Also feel bittersweet. Friends. How do I spend time with them?

-Angela

Comments

[nobodyberry.livejournal.com]

Erp. I think I need to check the LJ more often...

I know you're not a fan of the eastward journey, but you know you (and Jim) have a standing invitation to my home. But I think I should come for a visit soonish anyway.

As I mentioned before, I think you're on the right track. Do some research, talk to the doctor, take time to relax, and go do something fun. You may not be able to feed your soul exactly what it craves the most right now, but sometimes a little comfort food can be soothing.

And yeah, depression sucks ass. But it's okay to feel it. We know we can't always have things as we want them (we're both struggling with that reality right now) and it's perfectly fine to go a little off-base and release that frustration.

And I know you know, but: Jimmy loves you. I love you. Tons of other people love you. We won't let you stray too far. So you do what you need to do, and we'll be right here.

LJ!

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Well, you never know when I take LJ-informative hiatuses, sometimes I just stop posting important things.

AS far as trips. I've been wanting to take an out of state trip with him for a long time (2 years). That's what I mean. I'm not saying it wouldn't be good to go east of the mountains, it may well be. But for him to request time off, it's a rare thing.

The "vacation" ideal is like. A trip. He and I. No responsibilities to others. Whenever I visit friends, it's stressful for me even while enjoyable.

As for friends, you're about the only one atm that has been easier to access. ANd the furthest away. Mel has tried to hang out with me. But I crave meaning - not small talk. She is a good friend and cares, but she is hardly what my soul craves regarding friendship.

So when this sort of things comes about, I sort of lock up my doors and stay solo. It's not intentional always.
It's the fact that these people who call themselves my friends have no idea what turbulence that I have gone through these past months. It's all just a passing thought to them.

It doesn't make me want to go spend time with them when I'm so vulnerable. I am sure you understand. I am so glad you were able to meet with us at Starbucks to see first hand what that is.

As far as me and maybe time off. I'll think about it. :X FUck I hate gas prices. No worries. If I don't move on it - it's just like everything else that I've "thought about doing". Including a major trip for myself this year. Again. I'm tighter than usual for obvious reasons. My solution is to hole up in the house and hide from spending opportunities. Except amazon at 3AM when I cannot sleep...

-Angela

Re: LJ!

[nobodyberry.livejournal.com]

Nah, I understand. :)

I do think you and Jim should go somewhere cool just the two of you.

But I also wanted to make sure you know that I'm always here if you need me.

[herongrrrl.livejournal.com]

OK, I'm reading your posts in backwards order. Run, don't walk, to get acupuncture! (Uh, wait, that may have been a comment made in very poor taste...) I didn't realize you hadn't tried it since the injury. My ND/acupuncturist today said that acupuncture would be a big help to my healing, gave me a treatment today, and scheduled me for 3 more over the next two weeks. Whatever is going on with your knee, I hope it is as responsive to the needles!

Yes

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

In fact I am unsure why I didn't do it sooner.
That is encouraging to hear.
Perhaps this is yet one more regimented stage in my process.

I will call them tomorrow.
and get in Asap.
I am nervous as to where they'll put the needles, but when I went for my back, things were not that scary lol.

It is always the unknown until I get in there and remember it's no big deal. I'm not generally afraid of needles or Acupuncture.
Thanks for teh feedback though. The more info I have the better.

-Angela

Re: LJ!

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

The entries show up in most recent first, so this makes sense ;)

-Angela