Friends

[angelak]

For a while, I've felt sort of in need of friends.
My high school friends stopped feeling soul-connecting.
The females.
I know within the last year I've also started feeling more and more social anxiety.
It mounts up when people I'm not familiar with, eastsidey type wealthier, socially conscious women are in the group.

My HS friend Mel likes to do things in groups. She likes to invite people I'm not comfortable with to groups. That's her prerogative. But lately I've felt a lot of fear surrounded around doing group stuff. That's fine.

We got into some lame argument because I'm "shutting people out," wherein she gave me the "friendship is a 2 way street" lecture. She said, "you bitch and bitch about having no friends to hang with - and then this!" This annoyed me. I hate being lectured on things like this. Just because the last 2 months of my life were insanely busy (honestly, I've been devoting my entirety to healing my knees with Yoga, and my heart with Yoga, and work.) Mentally - I've been really trying to find solutions to my depression. It's hard work, but I think I am making excellent headway and I feel like a new woman already.

These are the things that keep me going. I realized last year that our few meetings to have coffee were leaving me a little empty of... heart to heart *this is what is going through my head* support. So I decided to look within, and not outside of me to find this. That's what the Yoga has sort of provided me. An opportunity to allow myself to be my own best friend. And it has been a wonderful learning experience. Now - I told Mel I didn't want to go to her "passion" party because there were eastsidey women going. Call me a bitch, but I'm a bit of a nerd, okay. Bare with me.

Let's face it - I'm a techie, poly, pagan - who doesn't really live in the same plane of reality as some of the people Mel surrounds herself with. I told her I didn't want to go - she kept asking. She knows over the last year I've become a bit socially anxious in situations. Group situations with women tend to be it.

She thinks she has social anxiety. Okay, maybe she has got it. Yes - I've struggled with depression. We've had minor discussions on this. She has had panic attacks, and that is her form of depression. She constantly compares her situations with my own saying that "she totally understands," when she doesn't. Digression.

She txts me on the phone here and there. I never carry my phone around with me anymore. Hers is attached to her hip like many 20-somethings now days. Over 50% of her queries to me, I got 2 days later and it was too late. I was in class - I left my phone in my purse and didn't look at it for 2 days. These sort of things. And so when she invited me out, so far this year it has looked like this:

I was busy with an engagement that was earlier planned,
or
I got the query too late (her invitation date had passed!)

She's lecturing me on the mechanics of good friendship, telling me that she has no idea what to do because she has tried EVERYTHING with me. It made me feel like garbage. I lost my temper.
She logged off before the end of the conversation (this was IM) was finished. That really basically sucks ass, because then there is no resolution. What so ever.

I then went to Yoga class and had the best class ever because I told myself after a few cleansing tears that DAMNIT, I needed the class.

I was like, "the hell if I will miss it over this!" And I went in with a "look at your best in the mirror" attitude. With a, "this Yoga is going to balance me," attitude, and excelled. The entire class (not just me) was rather strong yesterday afternoon.

So my dilemma is she gave me the whole "I'll be here when you're ready" tude that frankly peeved me. Jim says likely she's frustrated that she cannot get through to me and angry.
Well - it's been 3 months. Or 2? Let's just call 09 the whole of the solo phase for me. Except, I've always been somewhat solo - and then the girls would invite me once in a long while to do things, and I'd accept. Lately I've just had this new diversion that does me SO MUCH GOOD, that I didn't want to cancel because I was hesitant over the not so good feeling I had when I went to chit-chat with Mel about the stuff in life that I find ... a bit less deep.

Once I get focused on certain things, sometimes I lose the ability to take on too much. We've all got only so much time...

I'm at a stalemate for whether I meet up (at this point I'm feeling trepidation, will it be awkward? We've had this huge mess, she's accusing me of being a shitty friend).
I was just frustrated because she's queried me so many times for her party, then proceeded to tell me what a good time it was and how they had this sleep over at Kelsi's, how I should have come I should come. I was losing my stack.

No means no. I did say no. I also said, "maybe we can meet up another time and I can see your house then." I even explained via text what I was doing (her method, not mine - I hate txting and I hate phones - it is no secret) and it was this big long thing telling her what I was up to.

I mean literally I said I was just trying to heal by doing lots of yoga, that I was working on my depression this way, and that I was busy at work and of course, let's not forget spending the time with Jim that allows us to have a growing and bountiful relationship. Or something along those lines. I suck at txting, it's really a bad form of communication to me. I think she doesn't get that not everyone likes txts; I understand that not everyone has an LJ, or enjoys IM. I don't expect responses via email or IM only. So why should I be chastised over my spotty responses to txts? For one thing, she does it during my work day often. I have only enough space on me to carry my company phone. I know, I'm making excuses, but it's again - and irritant.

I feel irritated with her, and almost ready to give it up.
Ideas? Comments? Am I being stupid? Do I shut you people who ARE my friends out? I'm confused.
On one hand maybe I'm being a dick. On the other hand, I tried to explain to her what my life was about so far this year and I have told her how anxious I am in social settings...

I guess I had to put myself first this year. I had this epiphany with my yoga. I was like - "wow! I've had alone time before, but this time I'm really feeling indulged with my own company..." As in... much of last year I went about feeling like I was searching for some missing thing to my life. After a very strict and frequent yoga practice, suddenly I felt I had "it." The "it" that I had been looking for...

She just keeps saying "for me if people ask it helps." "Forcing myself" with people helps.
That is not at all what helps me one damn bit. I don't LIKE coming home and feeling like shit for hanging out with a bunch of _ what I see, as superficial bitches.


I don't LIKE feeling awkward and silent. I don't like it at all and I don't see why I should force myself into things that make me feel bad. Really - an all call for thoughts. Give me your best shot at honest truth. Don't be gentle with me. Okay, be gentle, but even if it isn't what I agree with I'll appreciate your comments.

-Angela

Comments

[glitch25.livejournal.com]

Having talked with you about it, and having heard rants about this in the past, the question I have is why are you still working to keep something alive that continues to bring you stress, dissatisfaction, and in many cases, a total disconnect from the life you're trying to build for yourself? You and Mel are very different people, and as an outside observer, I always was curious how you reconciled that. You two have very different expectations for each other. Maybe that's a hint. At the very least, maybe it means you need to both jointly re-evaluate what it all means and how to restructure things to better fit a mutual set of expectations.

My long distance observations through your LJ

[sterling-raptor.livejournal.com]

From reading your journal, I have seen the following:

1. You are dealing with a lot of emotional meh with your knee injuries.

2. This has put you in a bad headspace and shaken your confidence.

3. Not feeling confident, you don't feel "safe" around people so you have isolated. (An animal that is wounded acts the same way, so this is normal.)

4. You don't like most communication methods that others rely on, so getting a hold of you is difficult.

5. You have been busy.

All these factors combined makes it look like you have withdrawn from your friends. I see you as having a stubborn streak and if you don't want to do something, you get really irritated if you feel you "have to" do it.

From what I have read, which is only one side of the issue, I can see where your friends would be frustrated and feel like you need to make more of an effort.

If you don't like groups, invite Mel over for dinner to have girl time and a movie. Post your calendar with "busy" rather than details so your friends know when would be good. You will have to make a better effort at the phone. I hate texting and I hate the phone because I am hearing impaired, but I know it is important to be reachable.

If your friends from back in the day really aren't your friends anymore, just let it go or work to find common ground. People change, they grow, and not in the same directions, but if these relationships are important to you then it is partly your responsibility to find that common ground.

I know you have been having a rough time of it...but oftentimes I see you posting about how sad/tired/frustrated you are and feel like you don't have an outlet. Relationships are work, but they do have their perks.

Re: My long distance observations through your LJ

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

A lot of truth here. Thanks for the advice, and the outside perspective. It goes a long way.

And 1-5 is pretty much spot on.
I am definitely a bit stubborn - and as Jim continually mocks me for (in a good way) I don't like it if I get the notion someone is trying to "boss" me around :P

I will definitely think about what you've said here.

-Angela

[princekermit.livejournal.com]

I knew I liked you for some reason...

A, I'm with him and will add: friends from high school are great... while you're in high school. If you two are growing apart, trying to force yourselves together will keep you from going where you want to go. My best friends from high school? One, I haven't spoken to her in a year; the other, I haven't heard of in fifteen years, and that's including a concerted web crawl.

Out of curiosity, is there someone in your yoga class you think you'd enjoy hanging out with?

[princekermit.livejournal.com]

*blink* You're probably the most monogamous poly person I've ever met.

This

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

This. This is very true. I ask myself this sometimes. I guess at times I feel like it is good for me to keep an open perspective on the kinds of people who are out there - and she's caused me to remember that not everyone IS like me.

But the beginning of what you say, is often true too and sometimes I find myself on the brink of letting go for the sake of the very points you bring alive here. (Stress, dissatisfaction, and the ideals being so far sprung from my own...)

Thanks for the perspective and the advice. Now is just making the decision which is best for me. Letting it go, or re-laying a groundwork for different expectations between us.
:)

-Angela

[invisogoth.livejournal.com]

"That is not at all what helps me one damn bit. I don't LIKE coming home and feeling like shit for hanging out with a bunch of _ what I see, as superficial bitches."
This seems to me the crux of the current contention. Yes, you've been dealing with much physically and emotionally. Yes, also, your priorities have changed. What I'm getting from this is that Mel is asking you to meet her needs as a friend. This is not a bad thing, per se, but it doesn't account for what *you* need. Seriously, I wouldn't' want to hang with a bunch of superficial bitches either. The questions I would ask myself are: am I really shutting out the people who lift me up? Or, is it that I'm not in a place to do others heavy lifting for them?

Labels

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

I label myself "poly but picky."
Also, no one ever asked me.
So when people don't ask, I don't bring it up.
Does that make sense?
I've never been a sleep around sort of girl.
But, I am definitely poly-in mindset and lifestyle when the need arises.

I have crushes but I am pretty sure they all think I'm mono.
Funny, that.

-Angela

Re: Labels

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

And not eluding to the notion that poly is ONLY about sleeping around...

:P
I just don't like to run about the halls screaming my love preferences. I'm weird. And subtle.

-Angela

Not really

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Not that it's an unfriendly studio.
It's more just... no one I really know there. Except the instructors a bit. Who have provided me actually via facebook more web support than they know.

lol - but it's not the same as face time naturally.

-Angela

This!!!

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Those questions... are very good. Thanks!

-Angela

Re: Labels

[invisogoth.livejournal.com]

my take on poly "identification" is that it's a lot like identifying as, oh say, "straight" or "gay". No one gets to take your ID card away because of how you do it, why you do it, or how often. If they did, a whole lot of "straight" people would be in serious trouble. *grin*

[chinchillagirl.livejournal.com]

Having a lot of similar frustration over a friend of mine... I understand the instinct to keep trying to be friends, even if it's stressful and just irritating.

Well, the way I see it... you've explained to her what's going on in your life, you have NOT made any promises about things you're going to do with her, and it's not like you're expecting so much from her only to give nothing in return. You're being open about what you want, but she's not accepting that.

I wouldn't say, stop being friends with her, of course... Just, stop going out of your way to talk to her (if you are?). I mean, don't ignore her or anything, don't be mean... just, if you happen to run across her (on IM or in person or whatever) then be friendly and cordial. Though don't expect, or maybe even take, a willing shoulder from her for now...

If you, as she put it, "bitch and bitch" to her, then she might expect things in return (though good friends should just give you a hug and hope they might be able to get a hug in return sometime in my opinion...). You definitely don't want her whining that you owe it to her because she listens to "bitch and bitch" all the time.

*hug* Good luck with whatever happens!

Re: Not really

[princekermit.livejournal.com]

Except the instructors a bit. Who have provided me actually via facebook more web support than they know.

It's just a hunch, but I'd wager they'd like to know that.

Re: Labels

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

For sure.

lol.

-Angela

Re: Not really

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

I was afraid of being a clingy-saccharine student I guess a bit.
You know - like "hey lookit me your needy stewdeeeent! I LOOOOVE YOU GUYSS!" Course. No one usually gets mad when you tell them how great they are...

-Angela

Re: This!!!

[invisogoth.livejournal.com]

No worries. Hang in there!

Re: Not really

[princekermit.livejournal.com]

Of course! And if you clung onto them like that, I wouldn't blame them for keeping their distance. However, I'd offer to you that there is more than one way to approach it. "Hey, I just wanted you to know. The other day, I read X on your Facebook and that really helped me with Y. Thank you. I'd love to hear your thoughts on Z. (healthy equivalent to coffee) sometime?"

It boils down to: friends are people you have things in common with, whose company you enjoy and with whom you occasionally do things. Your HS friend doesn't seem to be cutting the mustard on any of those criteria while the people from your Yoga class are coming a little closer to the mark.

Re: Not really

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Ahah. A definite "aha" moment there.

"friends are people you have things in common with, whose company you enjoy and with whom you occasionally do things."

This simple statement really does make it clearer.
I'd also wager that this overwhelming and wonderful support here today makes me feel so loved :)))

-Angela

Re: Not really

[princekermit.livejournal.com]

Of course, the above is my definition. You're welcome to edit as needed, but I think you get the idea.

Re: Not really

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Yeah. It's a huge thing to define. Constantly in flux etc.

-Angela

Re: Labels

[princekermit.livejournal.com]

No one gets to take your ID card away because of how you do it, why you do it, or how often. If they did, a whole lot of "straight" people would be in serious trouble.

Strike gender affiliation references, add religious affiliation references. Same diff.
That's the rub with labels, stereotypes, and pigeonholes.

[empressmiaka.livejournal.com]

ITA with this as well. I often feel disconnected, but the last people I could connect with are my high school friends.

On letting go.. somewhat

[gasbarri.livejournal.com]

I realized a really important lesson a few years back. Sometimes, some relationships just don't work, no matter how hard you try or how many times you have tried different ways of communicating. Sometimes it is better to change the relationship into something less initmate (less expectations and needs) in order to preserve some kind of at least casual relationship. I have discovered this with 1x1 relationships and relationships between groups. Continuing to try to mix opposing needs and expectations often leads to more and more hostility. Sometimes it is best to go your separate ways.
LYL, chin up!
D

Nobody's Perspective

[nobodyberry.livejournal.com]

To add to the many grains of truth from the comments above...

My first thought is that relationships are constantly changing. Just because you don't currently connect with someone doesn't mean they aren't your friend. You and I have weathered many instances of mutual disconnection. But I always love you and I always consider you a friend -- even if I don't understand or agree with you. Even if I don't particularly LIKE you (though that has been few and far between).

My second thought is that we share an active dislike of closed doors or broken bridges. There's been some talk about letting go of high school friends (though technically Mel pre-dates high school anyway). I would agree that, for some people, discontinuing relationships is the right choice for them. But for you? That's never been you.

Given my own experiences with childhood friends, I know how stressful it is to work at something that just won't work. Neither person is happy, and it usually falls apart in the most spectacular way no matter how hard you try. And yet, I currently have a very close relationship with one particular childhood friend.

The overall conclusion is that you're both missing the connection. You both obviously have the desire, but perhaps not the capability? Mel doesn't get you, and you don't get her. And that's okay. It happens. As they say, this too shall pass.

Advice? Feed your soul. If she's not the right food, don't force it. Tell her that you love her and wish her well, and that you will indeed seek her out when you're ready. I know one of the things you've loved most about her is her differences and her superficiality. But you've got to be in the right frame of mind to digest it. You're hungry for something else, so go find that, and then be free to enjoy what she has to offer.