My momentary thoughts.
Mar. 20th, 2009 09:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angelakI must be relying on all the wrong things to make me happy. It's like... like there has to be some other path for the time being in my life that I continually overlook.
I'm not sure. The harder I feel like I push on a mental level to be that girl I was for a while, the worst the situation gets for me.
I am not paying attention to some other doors that must be open. Is that it?
Am I ignoring the things that this life-detour has given me?
Am I just an idiot slamming my against walls over and over again thinking it's the "right thing to do,"?
Shit, shit.
Sometimes I feel entirely okay. I think I make my life entirely too difficult somehow. I'm not sure. I don't want to give up fitness entirely... but am I putting too much emphasis on it as self identity for the time being? It should be simple enough to know that if I wait it out - I can achieve the things I want to at any time in my life.
I am so confused! Really. I think what is needed here is more Yoga, and perhaps a lot more thinking about what I could do to change my priorities again. But it all feels so difficult. I keep getting frustrated. It's normal, all this I am sure it is normal coping.
So what that my plans have changed for now. I just wish I had more to draw from myself, and less self criticism. When I was a younger girl, I felt confidence in myself without all the things I gained as I grew older. Now that I feel like some of them have been revoked, those slow growing achievements - that somehow it is harder to feel that confidence in myself.
Sure, I've always been borderline over-critical of my own achievements. I've considered them average. I've been the "average," girl in my mind my entire life. I could never believe that I excelled at anything more than the norm. The B average student. The average brown haired, brown eyed girl. The average figured woman.
And then one day I felt myself becoming stronger than average. My ego even once allowed me to think I was leaner than average, which made me feel more than average figured. This made me feel good. Who wouldn't feel good? The more I did, the better I felt.
And then as it slowly melted, the confidence I had before I even had any of that seemed to shift with it. Damnit, I am still skinnier and leaner than I was in my youthful youth. (IE, High school.) Wtf is my damn problem?
When given too much time to ponder, I begin to wish wish wish I could go for a "normal 3-4 miler."
Get that 4 miles done in just under 35 minutes - like back in the day.
Suffice to say I went out for a run today outside. I took a risk. Outside, yes. Treadmills don't do it for me. I went for the 15 minutes as per doc's orders.
It felt good. It felt good to be out with the world, under the sky. To see the sun setting and to feel the air flood into my lungs.
A man stopped me near the senior center as I walked on my warmup. He was in a motorized wheel chair. I can't even walk by people like this and not feel my heart heavier anymore. I want to seize them and tell them they're strong and blessed. I'm ridiculous.
I stopped to tie my sneakers in front of him (in my very obvious beloved runner-coldgear). He said he hoped I was having a good day. And as I left, he wished me good luck. I could not get him out of my head for the rest of my run.
I felt dumb because I was deafened by my "noise cancelling" headphones (I have never ran with these headphones before, but I have decided I do not like them much after this incident. I ... I wished I could expressed more back to this fellow.
I wish I could have reached out back. He has no idea that 3 hours later he's in my thoughts.
I wish I knew his name. I wish I could ask him about his story, his life - what he enjoys out of life, what his favorite things are - everything. But no. He was my 30 second friend - and he has no idea that his well wishing hit me quite deeply.
ON a more shallow level, my hips have been pissing me off. They are the place where my yoga-body LOOOOVES to store my extra energy. Yes, yes - that stuff. Fat.
But the runner-coldgear tights I always adored in Winter of 2007 and also early 2008 seem to dissipate the wide-load effect. I wanted to hug my tights in the mirror.
The slight higher bf%, well. Right now where the body is at seems to be where it SERIOUSLY wants to stay.
I know if I were more stubborn I could do anything I wanted with it. *shrugs*
Again. Is this the right priority right now? What else should I be paying attention to?
Or maybe I am right where I am supposed to be. Suffice to say I took more rest days than suggested by the doc to ensure I was not over-doing my run-quotas.
That is all.
-Angela
I'm not sure. The harder I feel like I push on a mental level to be that girl I was for a while, the worst the situation gets for me.
I am not paying attention to some other doors that must be open. Is that it?
Am I ignoring the things that this life-detour has given me?
Am I just an idiot slamming my against walls over and over again thinking it's the "right thing to do,"?
Shit, shit.
Sometimes I feel entirely okay. I think I make my life entirely too difficult somehow. I'm not sure. I don't want to give up fitness entirely... but am I putting too much emphasis on it as self identity for the time being? It should be simple enough to know that if I wait it out - I can achieve the things I want to at any time in my life.
I am so confused! Really. I think what is needed here is more Yoga, and perhaps a lot more thinking about what I could do to change my priorities again. But it all feels so difficult. I keep getting frustrated. It's normal, all this I am sure it is normal coping.
So what that my plans have changed for now. I just wish I had more to draw from myself, and less self criticism. When I was a younger girl, I felt confidence in myself without all the things I gained as I grew older. Now that I feel like some of them have been revoked, those slow growing achievements - that somehow it is harder to feel that confidence in myself.
Sure, I've always been borderline over-critical of my own achievements. I've considered them average. I've been the "average," girl in my mind my entire life. I could never believe that I excelled at anything more than the norm. The B average student. The average brown haired, brown eyed girl. The average figured woman.
And then one day I felt myself becoming stronger than average. My ego even once allowed me to think I was leaner than average, which made me feel more than average figured. This made me feel good. Who wouldn't feel good? The more I did, the better I felt.
And then as it slowly melted, the confidence I had before I even had any of that seemed to shift with it. Damnit, I am still skinnier and leaner than I was in my youthful youth. (IE, High school.) Wtf is my damn problem?
When given too much time to ponder, I begin to wish wish wish I could go for a "normal 3-4 miler."
Get that 4 miles done in just under 35 minutes - like back in the day.
Suffice to say I went out for a run today outside. I took a risk. Outside, yes. Treadmills don't do it for me. I went for the 15 minutes as per doc's orders.
It felt good. It felt good to be out with the world, under the sky. To see the sun setting and to feel the air flood into my lungs.
A man stopped me near the senior center as I walked on my warmup. He was in a motorized wheel chair. I can't even walk by people like this and not feel my heart heavier anymore. I want to seize them and tell them they're strong and blessed. I'm ridiculous.
I stopped to tie my sneakers in front of him (in my very obvious beloved runner-coldgear). He said he hoped I was having a good day. And as I left, he wished me good luck. I could not get him out of my head for the rest of my run.
I felt dumb because I was deafened by my "noise cancelling" headphones (I have never ran with these headphones before, but I have decided I do not like them much after this incident. I ... I wished I could expressed more back to this fellow.
I wish I could have reached out back. He has no idea that 3 hours later he's in my thoughts.
I wish I knew his name. I wish I could ask him about his story, his life - what he enjoys out of life, what his favorite things are - everything. But no. He was my 30 second friend - and he has no idea that his well wishing hit me quite deeply.
ON a more shallow level, my hips have been pissing me off. They are the place where my yoga-body LOOOOVES to store my extra energy. Yes, yes - that stuff. Fat.
But the runner-coldgear tights I always adored in Winter of 2007 and also early 2008 seem to dissipate the wide-load effect. I wanted to hug my tights in the mirror.
The slight higher bf%, well. Right now where the body is at seems to be where it SERIOUSLY wants to stay.
I know if I were more stubborn I could do anything I wanted with it. *shrugs*
Again. Is this the right priority right now? What else should I be paying attention to?
Or maybe I am right where I am supposed to be. Suffice to say I took more rest days than suggested by the doc to ensure I was not over-doing my run-quotas.
That is all.
-Angela
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no subject
Date: 2009-03-21 06:02 am (UTC)I'm still pondering that one. I had tried to think of an alternate path I might take, but I knew deep down in my heart that I would probably never give up on my true dreams. It may very well make me downtrodden, but I'm sure I would be equally as depressed if I quit on myself.
But I'm reminded of some advice you've given me. The road cannot be traveled while looking back. Sometimes it seems like you're trying to resurrect an old self or an old way of life. Or you're waiting for it to come back somehow.
Certainly do not give up on your dreams. But there is beauty in being okay with some imperfections. It's a struggle -- a constant struggle for me, anyway. But really, life is good.
Too many possible responses
Date: 2009-03-21 06:41 am (UTC)This is more about lifestyle than dreams - that I acknowledge.
Also about day to day living.
The more my day to day living is compromised, the less content I am as a human. The simple stuff. Standing for more than 10 minutes. 20 minutes.
But then there's the rest. I have already accepted my career goals are on serious delay - that bothers me less.
The stuff that bothers me more is the immediate circumstance. At first it was running.
Now it is less about running than it is about actual, day in and day out painfree living.
Funny how it progressed. :P
I can't describe my headspace. It is mostly because it shifts every day along with my pain levels.
To be honest, part of my pride grew to really enjoy the not-so-average lifestyle. And as for fitness? Well - I've always been an avid outdoor hiker, walker, and then one day runner.
So this? This is all about limitations on lifestyle.
None of this stuff is easily accessible like a normal person. Remember my visit to Spokane and you started taking me on that dangerous trail? Broke my heart to say I wasn't able to do it. And I am still not able to do trails like that.
At that time, even the uneven ground was hazardous to my healing.
It's the morale that I cannot get my fix from that sort of thing. ANd every time someone "forgets" that I cannot do these things, I feel even more frustrated.
It isn't their fault, nor is it mine that I get frustrated by it. I don't even know where I am going with this - except that it's the lack of certainty about how well I will EVER be able to accomplish my old simple tasks - like walking on uneven trails ever again - the notion wears me out.
-Angela
Re: Too many possible responses
Date: 2009-03-21 06:44 am (UTC)If that makes sense?
-Angela
erg
Date: 2009-03-21 06:50 am (UTC)and I really was just minorly depressed.
Not severely - minorly.
It happens when I have had too much nothing time.
Blah nothing time.
Jim's night schedule sometimes promotes me to do more of less.
It sucks.
-A
no subject
Date: 2009-03-22 06:28 am (UTC)