angelak | Another mental downer

What I would give to go on a hike.
What I would give.

Today is a strange day for me. I knew I was waking up on the wrong side of the bed. I felt moody early on – and it hasn't really improved.

Today has turned out to be a high pain day for the knees.
That's ok. It's lower than it was consistently for months – it just disappoints me to have these. My confidence can take its toll. I think it had to do with a shift in running territory – a good test. Also I have done a lot of work today, putting me up and down stairs all day.

I woke up it felt pretty good, so it was mostly work stressed.
Then as the day wore on, I began hearing from a friend of mine about his hiking trips. Sort of reminded me how much that was important to me in my life.
And then I read my latest Runner's World mag and realized I can't do speed work at all.

I've got so much, gained so much in the past month or so, but today is a low mental day. And then I can't help but think of my boss not taking me seriously. Julie is “down hard,” according to him due to her knees.

I wish she'd never experienced knee problems. And now I get to watch how he responds to someone else. I should not care or pay attention, I don't know.

I recognize that life is what it is. I can't change my situation. I can't change my body. I've got to just keep on keepin' on.
Why do I want to ball my eyes out? It's been a while since I felt this low. It also corresponds with the same week I went out to see all the eastside people. For some reason I find a lot of emotional turmoil that I end up facing. I don't know. These kids just live carefree in some sense.

Is that it?

Today I feel so much anger, repression.
I don't want to be a pile of teary garbage today. I want to be chipper and upbeat.
But there are these sad tears lying beneath the surface. The kind that constrict your throat and make your eyes burn. I want out of this damn office, pronto. Maybe I really need the Yoga today - it is on my workout schedule for the day, Just Yoga, nothing else. I just hope I can make it to class.

If nothing else for the emotional stabilizing aspect, and perhaps pain resolution for these damn tendons. I hate this. I hate this so much.

This too, has to pass. These feelings have to go away.
They're temporary, they do not define me. They don't define my life.

I guess.

-Angela