Rufus related post
Apr. 1st, 2010 08:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angelakHere begins one of a few Rufus related posts...
Other than that, I am still contemplating writing a pretty decent post on Rufus soon. I've stopped writing in LJ because well. I'm sort of off kilter, to be sure. Nothing extreme. Just living and all that, but there are some things. Yoga has been a huge challenge lately, as I feel my balance is waaaay off. I wrote in my facebook a little bit of what has been flowing through my mind on the subject:
"Yoga last night felt great (although I think it killed me DURING class). Feeling less emotional during class about stuff in life - but I'll be damned if it doesn't feel like someone cut out one of my organs and I'm trying to figure out how to re-balance all over again. I miss you, Ru Ru! I'm rebalancing and calibrating, slowly."
While some more intense sadness cut through my days sporadically in the last week - everything is simmering down lately with that. Things still make me sad, but I feel like I really processed a lot of my grief during and after yoga sessions lately. Particularly my very first class back. The Yoga makes it impossible to stuff anything away, put it in a corner and shove it under a rug. It really does. I was also doing a 7 day raw food detox at the beginning of all this. Which means I wasn't stuffing my emotions down with any kind of food. It's really hard to stuff emotions down with fresh fruits and veggies only, zero processed foods.
The raw food detox went well. Although the Rufus stuff happened on the first day of my trial, I decided to stick with it precisely so that I could feel things fully. What better way to honor the dog than by treating myself 100% healthily like this?
14 years is a long time to stick it out with anyone.
The first few days in the house, it seemed insanely empty. The energy that dog threw over my household was pretty grounded and warm. I didn't realize how far that extended, naturally - until it was fading. His living energy shifted and suddenly the whole house seemed a little more empty for it.
Admittedly, it was also a huge relief for this moment to have finally come. Ever since he got sick 2 months ago, he wasn't the same. His weight shifted downwards even more, his appetite never returned with it's life-long gusto. The dog was in love with food more than anything else. His sole purpose in life beyond being my comrade, was to get his next bite in. When the Ru that recovered from his sickness was just not that "interested," in food, I knew the time was coming. I also knew his body reflected it all. I remember in the last couple of weeks looking at him feeling pretty down about how frail and old he looked. He was blind, mostly deaf, and no longer the strong ox that he'd been most of his life.
And in the last week or two of his life - he seemed to be impossibly bony. The day before he died I was ready to take him in to the vet and talk more about it. But sometimes old age just creeps up on us.
6 months ago, the dog had been healthy and strong, even though his eye sight was fading and his hearing.
He still had a pretty strong sense of life and contentment and all that. He was happy to be around and would occasionally give us his regular Rufus 'tudes a couple of months ago. But even then I knew he was on borrowed time. His birthday came on the 19th of March, but I remember feeling a sense of sadness because it wasn't the usual upbeat festivity we usually made it. I remembered how different the year prior had been, and was suddenly glad I had lavished him with dog bones and hugs and playing on his 13th birthday. Because he seemed unable to be fully present the same way this birthday, and I thought to myself, "this is the last one we'll have..."
I was right. Just short of a week later, my own sense of foreshadowing caught up with me.
:)
AHhh yes. I am trying to upload some pictures to the "scrapbook" function here...
Anyway, my next posts will probably be a little more positive memory driven and less "this is what has been happening up until now." The recent era was the hardest of his whole life with me, to endure.
Also processing that all of those things that happened last Thursday - exactly a week ago today, happened. Ahhh, yes. And truly - cheesy or no, I find Rufus had to have been the angel sent to guide me through the transition of childhood to adulthood. For that he definitely was there, every step of the way.
Link to the gallery: Click here!
And a short questions for those into this sort of thing: Any idea why I notice most my emotions/energy getting caught/stuck in my throat chakra with this whole ordeal? Any advice on how to aid in working through to clear out the chakra a bit? I just notice it most there a lot. I am not entirely sure why. I have my own ideas, but sometimes outside ideas never hurt!
-Angela
Other than that, I am still contemplating writing a pretty decent post on Rufus soon. I've stopped writing in LJ because well. I'm sort of off kilter, to be sure. Nothing extreme. Just living and all that, but there are some things. Yoga has been a huge challenge lately, as I feel my balance is waaaay off. I wrote in my facebook a little bit of what has been flowing through my mind on the subject:
"Yoga last night felt great (although I think it killed me DURING class). Feeling less emotional during class about stuff in life - but I'll be damned if it doesn't feel like someone cut out one of my organs and I'm trying to figure out how to re-balance all over again. I miss you, Ru Ru! I'm rebalancing and calibrating, slowly."
While some more intense sadness cut through my days sporadically in the last week - everything is simmering down lately with that. Things still make me sad, but I feel like I really processed a lot of my grief during and after yoga sessions lately. Particularly my very first class back. The Yoga makes it impossible to stuff anything away, put it in a corner and shove it under a rug. It really does. I was also doing a 7 day raw food detox at the beginning of all this. Which means I wasn't stuffing my emotions down with any kind of food. It's really hard to stuff emotions down with fresh fruits and veggies only, zero processed foods.
The raw food detox went well. Although the Rufus stuff happened on the first day of my trial, I decided to stick with it precisely so that I could feel things fully. What better way to honor the dog than by treating myself 100% healthily like this?
14 years is a long time to stick it out with anyone.
The first few days in the house, it seemed insanely empty. The energy that dog threw over my household was pretty grounded and warm. I didn't realize how far that extended, naturally - until it was fading. His living energy shifted and suddenly the whole house seemed a little more empty for it.
Admittedly, it was also a huge relief for this moment to have finally come. Ever since he got sick 2 months ago, he wasn't the same. His weight shifted downwards even more, his appetite never returned with it's life-long gusto. The dog was in love with food more than anything else. His sole purpose in life beyond being my comrade, was to get his next bite in. When the Ru that recovered from his sickness was just not that "interested," in food, I knew the time was coming. I also knew his body reflected it all. I remember in the last couple of weeks looking at him feeling pretty down about how frail and old he looked. He was blind, mostly deaf, and no longer the strong ox that he'd been most of his life.
And in the last week or two of his life - he seemed to be impossibly bony. The day before he died I was ready to take him in to the vet and talk more about it. But sometimes old age just creeps up on us.
6 months ago, the dog had been healthy and strong, even though his eye sight was fading and his hearing.
He still had a pretty strong sense of life and contentment and all that. He was happy to be around and would occasionally give us his regular Rufus 'tudes a couple of months ago. But even then I knew he was on borrowed time. His birthday came on the 19th of March, but I remember feeling a sense of sadness because it wasn't the usual upbeat festivity we usually made it. I remembered how different the year prior had been, and was suddenly glad I had lavished him with dog bones and hugs and playing on his 13th birthday. Because he seemed unable to be fully present the same way this birthday, and I thought to myself, "this is the last one we'll have..."
I was right. Just short of a week later, my own sense of foreshadowing caught up with me.
:)
AHhh yes. I am trying to upload some pictures to the "scrapbook" function here...
Anyway, my next posts will probably be a little more positive memory driven and less "this is what has been happening up until now." The recent era was the hardest of his whole life with me, to endure.
Also processing that all of those things that happened last Thursday - exactly a week ago today, happened. Ahhh, yes. And truly - cheesy or no, I find Rufus had to have been the angel sent to guide me through the transition of childhood to adulthood. For that he definitely was there, every step of the way.
Link to the gallery: Click here!
And a short questions for those into this sort of thing: Any idea why I notice most my emotions/energy getting caught/stuck in my throat chakra with this whole ordeal? Any advice on how to aid in working through to clear out the chakra a bit? I just notice it most there a lot. I am not entirely sure why. I have my own ideas, but sometimes outside ideas never hurt!
-Angela
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What I found
Date: 2010-04-01 04:23 pm (UTC)As we grow into deeper awareness and opening of all the chakras, we also begin to expand our ability to tap into the vibrational energy field around us. The patterns of sound are our connection to the world. The throat chakra is the centre for making sense of these vibrations, for communication, self-expression, creativity, speaking our truth, and at the subtlest levels, telepathy, channeling and clairaudience (ability to perceive sounds outside the physical realm).
If we encounter repression or attempts to stifle our innate ability for self-expression, the throat chakra closes down and energetically appears blocked. The natural flow of vibration is impeded - energy goes in but cannot go out. We are all too familiar with the childhood maxim "children should be seen and not heard", the silencing of women's voices in patriarchal systems and the stifling of creative talent for fear of ridicule. Other threats to the throat chakra include keeping shameful family secrets, living with chronic fear, being yelled at or shamed into silence. When the throat chakra is closed, all other chakras find their expression stifled too.
The key to healing the throat chakra is finding the place of our own truth and relearning the ability to express ourselves. We can give ourselves permission to cry, to voice our fears, share our stories and engage in active listening with others. We can honor self-expression through finding creative outlets - writing, art, gardening or music. For some people it is important to reduce the pollution of vibrational noise through meditation or silent retreat.
As the throat chakra begins to heal, the grosser vibrations of sound no longer create interference. We begin to tune into more subtle layers of vibration, including the development of psychic abilities such as telepathy and clairaudience and opening to divine revelations such as those experienced by mystics through the ages."
no subject
Date: 2010-04-01 08:14 pm (UTC)This is exactly how I felt about Pandora. When she died, I not only felt the loss of her, but also the loss of my adolescence.
Fortunately
Date: 2010-04-01 08:35 pm (UTC)But, I have lots of memories of us moving from place to place in ours together and those are very cherished, for sure.
Particularly though - you're right in the effect that he was the one dog who was there for all the rough times during that teenage phase, which tends to be a little rocky for everyone.
Other great examples... the dog had seen every single boyfriend I ever had up until this point, watched my life situation make changes and he faithfully rolled with them.
My all time favorite set of memories include him cheer-leading me every time I circuit trained and lifted weights. I enjoyed having to move him backwards to ensure I wouldn't be in danger of dropping a 25# free weight on him :P
Ahh, he was my life coach and cheer leader, I guess.
And countless moments of private tears, he always tended to very, very gently lick my eyelids. This sort of thing is something that even human friends can't provide. Hahahaha. Please, don't lick my eyelids the next time you see me crying. ;)
-Angela
I love salty eye lids?
Date: 2010-04-01 10:08 pm (UTC)Awww! Such a sweet dog :)
"Hahahaha. Please, don't lick my eyelids the next time you see me crying. ;)"
I'll try my hardest. It'll be difficult.... cause... you might not know... but I LOVE SALTY EYE LIDS.