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angelakWhat a fun thing. I may update more about the Beltane celebration, but I'll start with Bunny slopes. It was odd, I've been feeling weird about trying to catch up on all the reading, but it shouldn't be a problem if I dedicate one or two days to just sit and read it all and absord. Though that's a hard thing these days, especially with a few of my engagements. *sighs*
Had a great evening with Jon... enjoying seeing Emilie, I never get to see that girl nearly enough. She's so cool, and I all but know her as well as I wish I could.
Let's see... getting along well with Jon. Steve called prematurely and was harassing me to come home. I hate that. It feels like he's being my daddy, and my daddy never DID that to me, even when I wasn't old enough to choose my own curfew.
*sighs* It's REALLY frustrating to me. He has no idea how it bugs me. I'm almost tempted to leave me cell phones at home the next time I have plans. Seriously... then he can't bug me.
I know that's not a real solution. We'll discuss it sometime today. I'm downright pissed to my limits about it, after about 5 weeks straight of this kind of attitude. He feels I should be home at a certain hour and I feel that's ridiculous. This is MY goddamned youth, and I'm going to take advantage of it. I will NOT sit at home and be a homebody. It's not my fault he doesn't enjoy my beloved events. Sometime last night he said I turned into a bitch ever since, "I started hanging out with MORE people than the old Study Group," and that since then, I really haven't given a shit about what he wants.
Well, frankly, since then, I've done a 360 as a person, in a lot of respects, and also, that was when I made my cutover, back into the happy Angela. Not the Angela that Steve met who was sad, depressed, lonely, and feeling friendless. By nature, I love to have a ton of friends and I love being out and doing things all the time.
The time he describes, is the time I had just gotten out of school, and began to live my social life that I had abandoned, when I chose to go to LWTC. It was a conscious choice, I am glad I did it, but it killed my social life and I had few friends for about 2 years. The 2 years Steve first got to know me, were these 2 years. Sometimes I just get so frustrated when he tries to pull the, "I know how you really are," act, when the truth is, I feel like he only really knows that side of me that came out when all my friendships left me. He tries to relate casual friendships that I had, and tell me what that part of my life really was. These friends were nothing like the magnitude of friends that I speak of. I speak of CLOSE friends. The ones who know more than just how I study and a loose definition of religion. The truth is that I love people.
As cynical as I am... I love people and I love people to love me. That’s just a fact, and there’s no way to change the fact that if I’m going to be happy, it’s going to be when I surround myself with challenges and people and paganism. Period. I have found such a blessed group of pagans that I feel close to, comfortable with, and willing to give the time and dedication of my LIFE to… and honestly, if I had to choose right now, I’d choose my life in the pagan circle over Steve. This has changed. A year ago, that wasn’t true.
Perhaps he senses this change. I am learning day by day, and I am not sitting at home with 1 person, solitary in my motive. He tried to act like I had, “went through my religious change,” when I was 16, and had only been studying solitarily, and frankly, had only been exploring Wicca and paganism for 2 years, the first year of which I had not decided whether it was the path for me or not. He was trying to say I had made my initual lifestyle change, but frankly, at the point he was thinking that, I was still a newbie. Plain and Simple.
*shrugs* This is me venting though. I am happy with Steve, and there are so many things that I look forward to in our future. But I know that it’s going to take some hard work to maintain this particular relationship, even if all relationships are so, this is a serious challenge if there ever was one.
He’s been saying things and trying to debate with me about some of my beliefs, that I am still learning about and hardly feel ready to DEBATE with someone about. It makes me angry. I hate how he wants to have “discussions,” basically trying to discount timeline shifting, and this sort of thing. Saying that Bobby and Cheryl are basically full of shit, and that’s absurd to try and learn with Bobby, because of some of the things he says. Well damnit, what if I agree, what if this is what I think too?
*sighs*
You know? He’ll go on and on in his own way telling me what he thinks is so, as if it’s fact. I just snapped and said I didn’t want to discuss it, and blamed it on the fact it was 3 AM, which probably contributed to the fact that I was tired. What can I say?
I know Steve is worth it, but there are times I just go crazy and feel so alone in my views. He represents that mainstream challenge, bludgeoning my in the face every time I turn around. And it doesn’t help that I have to feel helpless when he calls, like he’s manipulating me. That kind of thing makes me want to cry. I hate being manipulated. Seriously. He’ll say shit and try and manipulate me and it makes me want to go insane. I’ve now decided, that this is going to stop.
He will not manipulate me, and he will understand that he is not going to try and curfew me, and if he does, he can find another girl who will tolerate it. There are ways I can accept living. I know he’s accepted a lot, I won’t discount his strength here at all, he’s impressed me beyond belief; but frankly… I am who I am, and I’m not coming home like a goddamned 16 year old. I’m 20 years old soon, and I’m not going to let someone control who I am. I am going to live my life as me, not as some conservative little moma's boy, who is spoon fed what mommy has told him to believe. Oh wait, was that REALLY mean to say about someone I love? Well, I don't give a fuck. That's how I see him.
It makes me want to cry to think about how it feels to be limited. There’s this violent anger inside of me that relates to this, it makes me want to strike out. That feeling makes me want to cry. Those of you who were in the car last night in Seattle and heard me on the phone. That was how I get when I feel this way. Anyway.
Enough of that. I’ll post another post about Beltane! :D
*hugs*
-Angela
Had a great evening with Jon... enjoying seeing Emilie, I never get to see that girl nearly enough. She's so cool, and I all but know her as well as I wish I could.
Let's see... getting along well with Jon. Steve called prematurely and was harassing me to come home. I hate that. It feels like he's being my daddy, and my daddy never DID that to me, even when I wasn't old enough to choose my own curfew.
*sighs* It's REALLY frustrating to me. He has no idea how it bugs me. I'm almost tempted to leave me cell phones at home the next time I have plans. Seriously... then he can't bug me.
I know that's not a real solution. We'll discuss it sometime today. I'm downright pissed to my limits about it, after about 5 weeks straight of this kind of attitude. He feels I should be home at a certain hour and I feel that's ridiculous. This is MY goddamned youth, and I'm going to take advantage of it. I will NOT sit at home and be a homebody. It's not my fault he doesn't enjoy my beloved events. Sometime last night he said I turned into a bitch ever since, "I started hanging out with MORE people than the old Study Group," and that since then, I really haven't given a shit about what he wants.
Well, frankly, since then, I've done a 360 as a person, in a lot of respects, and also, that was when I made my cutover, back into the happy Angela. Not the Angela that Steve met who was sad, depressed, lonely, and feeling friendless. By nature, I love to have a ton of friends and I love being out and doing things all the time.
The time he describes, is the time I had just gotten out of school, and began to live my social life that I had abandoned, when I chose to go to LWTC. It was a conscious choice, I am glad I did it, but it killed my social life and I had few friends for about 2 years. The 2 years Steve first got to know me, were these 2 years. Sometimes I just get so frustrated when he tries to pull the, "I know how you really are," act, when the truth is, I feel like he only really knows that side of me that came out when all my friendships left me. He tries to relate casual friendships that I had, and tell me what that part of my life really was. These friends were nothing like the magnitude of friends that I speak of. I speak of CLOSE friends. The ones who know more than just how I study and a loose definition of religion. The truth is that I love people.
As cynical as I am... I love people and I love people to love me. That’s just a fact, and there’s no way to change the fact that if I’m going to be happy, it’s going to be when I surround myself with challenges and people and paganism. Period. I have found such a blessed group of pagans that I feel close to, comfortable with, and willing to give the time and dedication of my LIFE to… and honestly, if I had to choose right now, I’d choose my life in the pagan circle over Steve. This has changed. A year ago, that wasn’t true.
Perhaps he senses this change. I am learning day by day, and I am not sitting at home with 1 person, solitary in my motive. He tried to act like I had, “went through my religious change,” when I was 16, and had only been studying solitarily, and frankly, had only been exploring Wicca and paganism for 2 years, the first year of which I had not decided whether it was the path for me or not. He was trying to say I had made my initual lifestyle change, but frankly, at the point he was thinking that, I was still a newbie. Plain and Simple.
*shrugs* This is me venting though. I am happy with Steve, and there are so many things that I look forward to in our future. But I know that it’s going to take some hard work to maintain this particular relationship, even if all relationships are so, this is a serious challenge if there ever was one.
He’s been saying things and trying to debate with me about some of my beliefs, that I am still learning about and hardly feel ready to DEBATE with someone about. It makes me angry. I hate how he wants to have “discussions,” basically trying to discount timeline shifting, and this sort of thing. Saying that Bobby and Cheryl are basically full of shit, and that’s absurd to try and learn with Bobby, because of some of the things he says. Well damnit, what if I agree, what if this is what I think too?
*sighs*
You know? He’ll go on and on in his own way telling me what he thinks is so, as if it’s fact. I just snapped and said I didn’t want to discuss it, and blamed it on the fact it was 3 AM, which probably contributed to the fact that I was tired. What can I say?
I know Steve is worth it, but there are times I just go crazy and feel so alone in my views. He represents that mainstream challenge, bludgeoning my in the face every time I turn around. And it doesn’t help that I have to feel helpless when he calls, like he’s manipulating me. That kind of thing makes me want to cry. I hate being manipulated. Seriously. He’ll say shit and try and manipulate me and it makes me want to go insane. I’ve now decided, that this is going to stop.
He will not manipulate me, and he will understand that he is not going to try and curfew me, and if he does, he can find another girl who will tolerate it. There are ways I can accept living. I know he’s accepted a lot, I won’t discount his strength here at all, he’s impressed me beyond belief; but frankly… I am who I am, and I’m not coming home like a goddamned 16 year old. I’m 20 years old soon, and I’m not going to let someone control who I am. I am going to live my life as me, not as some conservative little moma's boy, who is spoon fed what mommy has told him to believe. Oh wait, was that REALLY mean to say about someone I love? Well, I don't give a fuck. That's how I see him.
It makes me want to cry to think about how it feels to be limited. There’s this violent anger inside of me that relates to this, it makes me want to strike out. That feeling makes me want to cry. Those of you who were in the car last night in Seattle and heard me on the phone. That was how I get when I feel this way. Anyway.
Enough of that. I’ll post another post about Beltane! :D
*hugs*
-Angela
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no subject
Date: 2004-05-02 12:07 pm (UTC)Steve
Date: 2004-05-02 12:21 pm (UTC)He takes FOREVER to adjust to anything.
I don't think he's completely unhappy. But, he is coming from a totally different background from the whole lot of us. I agree, he has trouble recognizing those aspects. But it's NOT as bad as you're making it sound. And that kind of attitude would initially kill my relationship if I were like that. Luckily, I can read into Steve better, obviously. But, there are times I get pretty angry. We always work things out. It just takes a lot of talking, and a lot of work.
-Angela
Re: Steve
Date: 2004-05-02 12:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-03 02:52 pm (UTC)That being said, it is unfair if he thinks that you need to be home by a certain time. Um, no? The only time in life you probably need to start being home by a certain time is when a child comes along.
Steve needs to realize that you two are partners, not father/daughter. Partners (from, say, a business standpoint) consulte each other, give advice, and are there for each other. They don't tell each other what they can and can't do (unless they're WAY out of line...which I don't think you are).
Good luck. :) And...hmm...I dunno, I might not have anything going on Thursday night. Would you like to go out for tea or something? I have to check with Reneé first, but I don't think she'll be free that night.
Sadly...
Date: 2004-05-04 09:51 am (UTC)Am I really that selfish? I must be. He says it with such conviction. I love people. And it hurts.
-Karen
Re: Sadly...
Date: 2004-05-04 10:13 am (UTC)And I'm sorry, that was REALLY not cool of him to do that. You talk with someone when you both want to, not when it's convienent for just one person.
Are you selfish? That's a really hard question to answer. I go into a relationship not only because of how much I care about the other person, but also because of how they make me feel about myself.
Whoa. I just had an epiphany.
That might've been a big reason that Melissa broke up with me. I blamed her for things not her fault, and I also made her feel bad. She would flirt with other people, and I was at a point where I hated that. She wanted out because of how I made her feel about herself.
Anyway...
But no. You care about other people, but you have to care about yourself, too. I don't think it's selfish to want what you want as far as relationships go. We all change, yes. But it's when two people can change and evolve together that makes it a lasting and worthwhile relationship. Like...here it is in eaiser terms:
Person that doesn't change + Person that doesn't change = Okay relationship
Person that changes + Person that changes = Relationship that will probably work
Person that doesn't change + Person that changes = A very difficult relationship to maintain
*hugs* I know things will work out for you. You're a sweet, caring person. I know you care about Steve, but you have to make the decision that's right for you.
Ask yourself: Can I see myself with Steve five years from now? Ten years? Especially considering the path I'm on (poly)?
Just seems like you have a lot of thinking to do.
Oh yes, I am gonna be busy Thursday night...but how about lunch Wednesday or Thursday? I'd love to come down and take ya somewhere! :)
Let me know. *hugs* I love you tons and I'll talk to you soon.