angelak | E-mail I wrote.

-----Original Message-----
From: Steven B
Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 2004 10:58 AM
To: Angela Santo
Subject: RE: Eclipse

Just curious, but are you just trying to see how much crap I can take or something?

Steve

===================================

Steve,

This is the response to your question....

No, I'm not. We've both got some real issues at hand, and it's unreal to believe that you could talk to me reasonably and get responses from me in the circumstances that there were last night.

I'm tired today, and all I have is spite for the attitude and the flavors of last night. I'm confused, lost, and I can't possibly be expected to "figure out," all of our solutions in the type of tired I was last night. I was tired from the morning onward. I told myself not to nap the day before so I could fall asleep earlier on Monday night. And now, I just feel totally emotional, like every half hour I feel like bawling. Instead I'm here at work and I just can't do a thing about it. I don't know if I can take us anymore. Basically I'm buying polyamory from you, not agreeing to it. If that's the case, both of us need to get out of this situation as quickly as possible. It just will not work around those mechanics, and those mechanics were never spoken to me until last night, in my sleepy cloud of discontentment.

Never did I think splitting the finances would be a "sacrifice," for you. I see your logic very clearly, but I wasn't faintly aware that you were using the finances as a way to accept polyamory. If that's the case, I seriously think we need some time apart. This whole polyamory thing, is about me. It's about me changing, growing, and being who I really am. I am being selfish about who I am, because that’s the nature of identity.

I am not trying to put you through, "crap," though, I was trying to hold onto you through my changes, and not lose that part of me. [you.] But, as it stands now, it doesn't look like I can have both. If I had to choose, I would choose who I am first. I love you beyond belief, but we're tearing each other apart. The idea that I am "trying to put you through as much crap as possible," isn't the case. I didn't want to let you go. I still don't. But if this is intruding on who YOU are, then I really am not the jewel you thought I was. I may be someone you love, enjoy, and have good times with. But who I am, is completely different than you.

I want you to know that no matter what happens, I still love you. I know you’ll never believe that anymore… I don’t think you believe anything I say anymore…

I'm afraid of losing all those happy times with you. The bonds we’ve created warm my heart. The time we do get along, makes me so happy. Thinking back to last week, I am taken aback with how much I do love you, and need you. Those memories. I want to work to make this work, but I know that I can’t force you to be who you aren’t.

I feel like the last 4 years have been an oblivious dream. I want our partnership to remain. I’m frustrated, because I allowed myself to dream of you. You have always been in my 10 year plan. You still are. But I may not be in my own 10 year plan. *sighs* My eyes burn, still. This is day 2 that they’ve felt this way.

I will spend minimal time with Kelsi tonight. Let's go out to dinner somewhere with a pen, some paper, and let's draw out, as best we can, a map of our problems, and see if we can begin tackling them. It's going to take more than a day, more than a week, possibly, more than a month, if this is what we both decide we want to do.

I love you. I really do.
-Angela