Serious. Un-edited.

[angelak]

I’m sitting here, remembering I was going to update. Regularly. I’m pretty much failing at that. Oh well. Today I really need to post some stuff I guess to get it off my chest. My brain feels empty, but not in a good way. Lately it feels as though nowhere I can go is comfortable. No position I can be in, is comfortable. It’s like everywhere in my home I go, is not how I want it.

My job, same way. My brain is working overtime with useless mind-patterns. I also feel that I cannot focus on anything worth a damn. All the things I’ve been working so hard on for months and months feel pretty feeble as far as results go. I feel passionless, sort of numb and a little manic.
Go to yoga, go out and run, go to work, go home, eat, sleep. Do it again.
Memorizing dialogue has been at a stand still. I’m worried sick about this. I don’t feel like I’m ever going to be good enough to do what I need to do to prepare. This part, feels worse than what it might be if I was just in the moment doing it all.

I’m not good at “things on the horizon.”
I’m always my own worst enemy, blahblah. I know that. I know how to try and be present, I know how to be patient. It’s hard to be patient when my home is never finished and peaceful.
I’m no longer feeling strong and ready for anything. I feel unprepared, ill focused, cloudy, fogged…
My mind cannot let go of certain priorities, but those priorities (Namely size/shape/weight loss) seem to never come to any fruition. I’ve tried everything I know how to try. When I was succeeding at this endeavor, it wasn’t like this at all, and yet I’m expending the same kind of dietary/exercise efforts. I’m not sure what’s up.

No, I don’t want to hear “you’re fine, you look okay,” one more time. I get it. I know I’m not overweight. It doesn’t make my priority any less to get to my ideal and previous maintenance level. I’m feel worn out and dejected, and I’ve not even begun a lot of stuff.

I want distraction, but there isn’t anything. I’m horribly restless.
I can’t drink alcohol, that sabotages my shrinkage goals.
I can’t do drugs, that’s not my style.
I can’t travel, I’m stuck here saving all my extra pennies for TT.
I’m not even feeling like seeing friends. I am fighting the urge to pull back socially again.
No, I’m not depressed per se. It’s not the same as before.
It’s just that I feel like I don’t have a whole lot to give right now.
The level of depletion…it’s high.
I miss Sasha, he's in Russia and is raising money to get back to California by August 1st. Long story, we write emails from time to time. I think he is in a similar place to me emotionally, honestly.
I miss Jim terribly, but he’s right there in my house.
I don’t know how to accept compliments very well, and I feel like when someone does compliment me, I don’t know how to believe in myself enough to accept them.

I just don’t believe in me these days… it makes no sense. There is something seriously out of alignment inside of me and I can’t place my finger on it.
I’m feeling like I wish I could do anything to make me feel real again. Right now I feel like I’m wandering around in a fake me world. This isn’t my life, this is something else – that’s what it feels. I wake up in the morning and look around my room and wonder…
Is this really my life?
I feel like I’m on a cliff and just waiting to fall off of it and shatter into a million pieces. And yet there’s no one to talk to about it. I’m surrounded with support and I’m utilizing nothing.
Where does this notion come from?
I’ve not had a chance to express any of this. I haven’t been able to sit down and write. Nowhere seems conducive. I just spend my hours wasting them staring at the only numbing agent I have; social media. I don’t binge on cookies and ice cream, I binge on yoga and running.

I miss getting buzzed and drunk, but I refuse to relent on my weight loss goals.
I miss laughing and being happy and really not having any worries weighing me down. I look back to days when I used to just roll with what came my way. I’m not sure when it stopped being that way. I’d rather be me of 16-17-18, hell even 19.

Maybe it was the worst thing that ever happened to me, losing 30lbs in 2007.
I proved to myself then that I could do something I didn’t know I was capable of. But now I just feel capable of nothing. Tell me not to whine, not to vent. I’ve had no where to let this all go. It’s all been dragging around behind me.

I’ve only had one very awful point emotionally/mentally where I really, seriously got back to a point where I was in 2009, recently. That was on Sunday. It worried me because I’ve been free from this sort of mental space for a good 2 years. But it returned to me on Sunday and I feel like the emotional block I had, has yet to be removed since the weekend. I’d try to talk to Jim but it feels useless.

The things that keep me grounded right now, are my dogs. Because there’s nothing else holding me down anymore. I did spend a couple weeks having trouble sleeping the way I’m used to sleeping. I’d rest, but not wake up rested. I’d be trying to go to sleep and I can’t quite describe it, but I was no longer doing the thing that I’ve done my entire life; just drifting off. I think it’s become very hard for me to relax at any point during the day.

The most relaxed I’ve felt was on the run, because during yoga, I’m just worrying about the level of my practice and will I be good enough for this fall? I don’t know what else to say except that I’m all kinds of unrelaxed. I can’t even go blow my cash anymore, which apparently was helping me just as much as working out I guess. Nothing frustrates me more than being 155 still.

Thank you, scale. I’m weighing in daily now because I avoided the scale for like 3-4 months. Maybe this is all ridiculous to my IRL friends, I don’t know, but this stuff is huge to me. I’ve not been able to put my finger on it. I also can relax at my parents’ house, but occasionally my mom has a life outside of me, so that option doesn’t always come to fruition. By the time I was going to go there last weekend, I was already deep in a mental funk that lead me to drive my car in circles alone, for 3 hours to no where. Because Jim kept going back to his video games.

Every free moment he is gaming. Every free second.
My house is not clean yet. It’s carpets are soiled and fucked from elderly dogs urinating and the baby learning where not to go. It bothers me every day. It makes me want to bawl. There’s clutter everywhere and it makes me want to scream. But I just shrug it off and leave.
I’m sapped of energy. My life force feels so low. I don’t know what to do. I’ll just shrug it off and go to work. Go to yoga. Go somewhere, anywhere. Stuck inside my head listening to the same 10 frustrating circuits. Shut the fuck up. So sick and tired of what it’s like to be me, circa 2011.
I don’t even have some bullshit God to pray to. Some invisible man in the sky that gives a shit about me. I’ve got nature and the Universe, but something isn’t aligning. I don’t hike anymore. I don’t go camping and see the beautiful things that are in this World for me to see. I’m just sitting in my cluttered, urinated house. And Jim doesn’t even give a fuck.

He could care less about it, he’s ready to be glazed over, send his soul to the nearest video game. Occasionally stop and say, “hey babe! I love you. I really do. I’m here for you. I’ll help you learn the dialogue. I'll help you clean the house. Any problem we have, we can find a solution,” but then when we sit down, he’s straight on the game with the back of his bumpy funky head facing outwards and no face towards me. I’m so lonely and angry and dejected. What’s it like to really be relaxed?

People think I’m strong and capable. I just want to crumble like a rotted tooth that has been hanging out in someone’s mouth for too long but finally lets go of where it’s been dead for ages. The English on that is fucked and I just don’t give a damn.

I walk around smiling at people, but it doesn’t reach my heart. It’s just something I do to make it seem like everything is okay, like I’m totally headed down a strong powerful path that is going to change everything. Who the fuck knows. Who knows.


-Angela

Comments

[glitch25.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

(((hugs))))

[kim wilkin (from livejournal.com)]

(((hugs))) I feel that way too sometimes, but I always seem to get myself out of the deep hole because I have to - I'm not a quitter! (often with the help of large quantities of Theobromine and a marathon OCD cleaning and declutter mission). I use other distractions and fill my mind with even more challenges as a distraction (study, exercise and work). When I finally colapse from physical exhaustion, my mind feels clearer and I can then express myself through my art and craft. Days I wish I could just run away from it all, but I brought my special son into this world (he has autism) and I love him so much and I will never let him down. I hope you feel at peace very soon <3=:-) x x x