After my first week teaching
Dec. 7th, 2011 01:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angelakI should be studying more dialogue, pouring over the words, saying them out-loud over and over. This is the only way to get it into my brain so that it comes out when I'm actively in front of a class, real time. Even if I don't, at this point it comes out anyway.
I make everything complicated. I read into everything. I read into my fellow trainees. I read into all the feedback, I read into what I might look like, what I don't look like. I just don't have a lot confidence from the inside, and it feels like this has been a battle I've had my whole life. Now it's amplified when I step onto the podium and lead a class. I hide it behind humor - I hide it behind the mask of someone who appears strong. But inside I feel like it's obvious to everyone that I don't know about myself at all.
The teaching is about the students, not me. I know that - people said this in training 100 times. So when I teach, I make it about the students. When I come home, I make it about me. My second week of teaching begins this Thursday. I've heard a lot of feedback already honestly more than I was ready to hear, and I struggle not to compare myself with the other girl who came back and makes it look easy. She's so shiny and positive. But that's not me. I think back to the days when I was a kid and I had to pep talk myself just to make it through the day at school. Never cool enough, never smart enough, never anything enough. Does it mean I'm left to feel this way my whole life? What made me this way? What would it take to really leave it behind? I've been working on it very hard the last few years. I make breakthroughs, and sometimes I take steps back. It seems others are willing to pretend they are what they aren't. But I never claimed to fake a damn thing in my life, frankly I'm no good at it and it feels awful to my spirit.
Instead I'd rather just hurt my spirit just as much by not respecting the hard work and accomplishments I've created for myself. I'd spend half a minute appreciating myself, and 10 minutes cutting myself down.
A lot of people say they have these amazing lessons in training. What were mine again? The same exact realizations I've had about myself for the last 15 years. Nothing new.
I'm supposed to have become confident? I'm the same girl I was when I stepped on the plane to go to LA. The difference is I am certified, and I can teach a class. How does this change me as a person? I'm the same. So much lack of self realization.
And no, I'm not afraid to admit it. I can look anyone in the face and say, "we're all fighting something. The difference between me and you, is possibly that I'm not afraid to pick up a microphone and tell everyone what my problems are." What's the point in "saving face"? For who? My teaching reputation? I'm real. If you want a teacher who pretends to think they're Captain Awesome, it's not me. A little tired of reading so many one sided self proclamations. I won't say that I'm not doing okay for newbie. I'm doing okay. If Okay suits you, then it isn't a problem. I've never been okay with okay, anyway.
I'd prefer to pick up a microphone and teach yoga from my heart and become a teacher that people know they'll get what they need out of themselves when they take class. I don't know if I'm even close.
-Angela
I make everything complicated. I read into everything. I read into my fellow trainees. I read into all the feedback, I read into what I might look like, what I don't look like. I just don't have a lot confidence from the inside, and it feels like this has been a battle I've had my whole life. Now it's amplified when I step onto the podium and lead a class. I hide it behind humor - I hide it behind the mask of someone who appears strong. But inside I feel like it's obvious to everyone that I don't know about myself at all.
The teaching is about the students, not me. I know that - people said this in training 100 times. So when I teach, I make it about the students. When I come home, I make it about me. My second week of teaching begins this Thursday. I've heard a lot of feedback already honestly more than I was ready to hear, and I struggle not to compare myself with the other girl who came back and makes it look easy. She's so shiny and positive. But that's not me. I think back to the days when I was a kid and I had to pep talk myself just to make it through the day at school. Never cool enough, never smart enough, never anything enough. Does it mean I'm left to feel this way my whole life? What made me this way? What would it take to really leave it behind? I've been working on it very hard the last few years. I make breakthroughs, and sometimes I take steps back. It seems others are willing to pretend they are what they aren't. But I never claimed to fake a damn thing in my life, frankly I'm no good at it and it feels awful to my spirit.
Instead I'd rather just hurt my spirit just as much by not respecting the hard work and accomplishments I've created for myself. I'd spend half a minute appreciating myself, and 10 minutes cutting myself down.
A lot of people say they have these amazing lessons in training. What were mine again? The same exact realizations I've had about myself for the last 15 years. Nothing new.
I'm supposed to have become confident? I'm the same girl I was when I stepped on the plane to go to LA. The difference is I am certified, and I can teach a class. How does this change me as a person? I'm the same. So much lack of self realization.
And no, I'm not afraid to admit it. I can look anyone in the face and say, "we're all fighting something. The difference between me and you, is possibly that I'm not afraid to pick up a microphone and tell everyone what my problems are." What's the point in "saving face"? For who? My teaching reputation? I'm real. If you want a teacher who pretends to think they're Captain Awesome, it's not me. A little tired of reading so many one sided self proclamations. I won't say that I'm not doing okay for newbie. I'm doing okay. If Okay suits you, then it isn't a problem. I've never been okay with okay, anyway.
I'd prefer to pick up a microphone and teach yoga from my heart and become a teacher that people know they'll get what they need out of themselves when they take class. I don't know if I'm even close.
-Angela
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no subject
Date: 2011-12-08 02:33 pm (UTC)You'll get there. This state, after one week of teaching, is not meant to be the "finish line" when it comes to what kind of a teacher you will be. I definitely prefer to take class from an honest teacher, self-perceived faults and all, as opposed to a fake Captain Awesome.
Thank you for sharing. All the best!
Simmm
PS: Not sure why, but the date of this posts says Dec 16th.
<3 Thank you.
Date: 2011-12-08 07:35 pm (UTC)Thank you. I will keep in mind that I'm just beginning to teaching path, and that it's all ahead of me.
I am already looking forward to getting back up on the podium, so I take this as a good sign.
-Angela <3
That reminds me
Date: 2011-12-09 06:44 pm (UTC)It's okay, though, cause I would still teach at the drop of a hat if asked. It's something I'm passionate about, and I love to share that joy with others. And as much as I hate embarrassing myself in front of others, I learned that any mistakes I make end up being a tiny blip in the overall experience, and if I don't focus on it, neither will anyone else.