Oloteas and my weekend!
May. 24th, 2004 10:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angelakToday is going to be a good day. I don’t know what my plans are, I’m sad I can’t see Jon, but I can survive. I had a great time at Oloteas, despite a lot of people who had some of their own issues. I was determined to loose all the stress that has been pounding at me all week. When I get stressed, I get incredibly random.
I think perhaps maybe I’m losing my mind.
But I’ll continue to blast my music really super loud and sit here and write. I’m a combination of the happiest person ever, and perhaps the most confused individual I know. Okay, well maybe not the MOST confused.
Went swimming like 3 or 4 times. Drum circle died. I was sad. Drummers [who were NOT Chad, cause Chad rocks my socks] sucked. Chad, you keep rocking on.
Talked to SK as much as possible. Saw incredibly hot guys and drooled over them. Acted entirely ditzy and just didn’t give a shit. Stayed for cleanup, did my best to help. SK rocked and helped a ton, and I thank him for staying, even though I got bitchy and blahbals… end of story.
Inna: Inna kicks ass.
More on Inna? We hung out a lot too. I had a blast at Denny’s with Inna, Jackie, and SK. It felt nice to just sit and relax with SK. It felt cool to hang out and talk to Jackie. Inna just always kicks ass.
It felt wondrous to stay out until 3-4AM, and know that Steve knew and that I wasn’t going to fuck up about when I got home.
After a delightful stay at Denny’s, meeting Sandy [Inna’s friend] --- Inna and I headed over to SK’s. I felt this incredible urge to be affectionate with SK. If anyone mentions the one of the infamous, “cold to the touch,” people, that would include me. I’m a fully tested subject.
Inna: You rock.
SK: Heehee!
I wish I could have spent the night there. Oh well. I was so fucking comfortable.
S’all good. I woke wide up again when I drove home and got Inna a comfortable sleeping arrangement [that included a complimentary Dachshund to cuddle with all night long.]
I slept. Went to bed at 4:30AM.
Woke up at 9:00 when Fritz wanted to go out and potty.
Got up, and saw Inna had been awakened by the other attention whoring Dachshund [Rufus]….
So, I woke up and wasn’t going back to sleep. I talked to Inna for like 3 hours. It was so nice just to talk to a friend--- and I just can’t say how much I’ve come to enjoy the companionship of people who I never knew. I wasn’t so fond of Inna when I first met her, but now it’s contagious. Her calming demeanor is great. And I find we relate to each other in some areas that other people don’t relate to me so much with. It’s just relieving.
Hm. What else? Had an awesome day with Steve. Was nice to him all day long. The evening proved good, until we tried to be romantic. Then we just got pissed off at each other. Well, it was really me. I flew off the handle this time. He tried to discuss my late nghts. He told me he really hates it when I stay out late, till 3-4. He tried to call the other night, but I had left my cell in the car [intentional partly, and partly not]
I was like, “oh sorry,” the night I came home and he told me that.
But mostly, this time, when we were getting ready to sleep and trying to be affectionate [it’s an effort for me to be this way with Steve. No joke anymore.]
He brings this up. Suddenly I just get frustrated, and it turns me off entirely. I’m just like, “I’m sorry. I’m not going to stop doing that. I enjoy it a great deal.”
He got frustrated, I got frustrated. He basically said that I don’t try at all in our relationship. I never do anything to make an effort at it. That made me hurt. I know I’m not easy to deal with--- but damnit I thought I was trying. "Don’t make me give up, Steve," I think to myself. Though, I've already made a strong inward decision not to, as of now, when before, I hadn't. He told me I make him feel “disposable,” by the fact that I tell him to just “deal with it,” in so many words.
Well damnit, you’re not daddy. I told him that, and he said he wasn’t acting like a parent. What do I do? I just don’t know. I do know that I’m going to hang out and be young while I can. I said, “Kelsi goes out and parties and does all sorts of shit. Well damnit, it’s my turn to have fun and stay out all night…..”
It made me totally angry. He was trying to guilt trip me for trying to go to sleep. I like to face outwards from the bed, that’s just how I sleep. He gave me this shit about how I was pulling away. I just got pissed off, raised my voice with very strong conviction and just said, “Don’t you DARE guilt trip me about something as simple as trying to go to sleep. I won’t have it. I’m going to go to sleep, and that’s that.”
He laid there and cried his eyes out. I laid there and tried to sleep. *sighs*
I’m sorry I can’t bend completely. He acts like I’m not trying at all. I am. I’m trying… can’t anyone see that? Does it look like I’m being entirely selfish. I want to scream. I get no recognition that I am actually trying.
So many dreams. Perhaps I should just shatter them and create a new slate. I do make him cry a lot. I’m sick of it. Am I that much of a monster? Look at me. I feel like shit about it on one hand. On the other hand, I think “suck it up… I’m rightful in my feelings, and if you don’t want to hear the truth, then don’t ask for them.” *shrugs* It’s all good. I don’t need a self esteem. He can slowly chip away at that confidence I feel I’ve amassed. Sexually, and any other way.
My parents are now selling their house to rent another one, instead of buying one. That makes me sad. They had owned this… but now it’s not a choice. Realtor’s words? “We’d rather help you sell this, than have to repossess this from you.”
:X
Why do my parents have the shitty luck? Are they going to die with these troubles? They’re waiting for my “so called,” grandma to die…[the one who doesn’t give a shit about who I am and didn’t want to bother with me visiting] so they can retire and actually have money. How depressing.
I had such big hopes for what they could do… my dad has given his notice, to contract dental assisting. He has a month contract, that’s good. But their credit is so screwed they can’t possibly get another home loan. Steve is convinced if they tried hard enough, they might be able to. They say they’re going to rent until she dies.
I want my mom to be able to stop working at fucking Target week after week… I don’t think people who are 50 should have to do that shit anymore. Maybe it’s dumb to think that way…. Ever since I was born there was something shitty about my dad’s workplace, or he got laid off…. Or they were giving him the shaft somehow at work.
My dad’s sense of hope and drive is dying by now, 20 years of the same old shit.
How must it feel to think that your mother’s death will be the best change of your life?
It’s not as selfish as it sounds. *sighs*
I forgot how crappy it was, because I’m in my own rental unit [for now] and I’m doing very well. Money, for the first time in my life, is not a stressor behind everything. I can buy things. I can drive and not care. I can help people when they’re down—and it’s not a problem for me. But I know how it is.
I’m even thinking about trading Joe in soon, and buying a new car. I am seriously thinking about a brand new Surburu WRX. I’m sick of having 2 doors. I’ve got 2 cars like that, I want a seden, but one that might encompass all things I like. And I hate red. We’ll see. Maybe next month, maybe 6 months from now, maybe 2 years from now I’ll buy one. Right now I want to see if it’s something I’d be interested in. THEN I’ll think about if there’s a big chance of Steve leaving the picture for me, so and on so on.
But I must say, I have equity in Joe right now, and a 14% interest rate--- because when I bought it, I didn’t have any credit. Now my credit shines. They’re offering a .9% [for 60 months I think] interest rate on the WRX’s. I’m dying for a car that will kick Trav’s Mustangs ass.
And a car that isn’t red and tan. And a car that doesn’t have the residue Sultan miles on it. And a car that isn’t ready to have a new clutch gods know when [it generally happens around 70,000 miles…. Joe is at 72,000 miles now.]
*shrugs* We’ll see. Could be next month. Could be 2 years from now. I might go have fun with this and just shop to have fun. All the other car buying experiences [save for the Camaro] were stressful and I hated them. This could be fun. Just to go and drive some cars and not care, and not be in it to buy necessarily.
I also feel insecure about what my co-workers might think--- as bad as that sounds. I’ve got 2 cars as it is [YES I’d trade Joe in] but I feel frivolous as it is. Though Joe was always known to me as a stepping stone car. I needed it for reliability and I didn’t have a ton of time.
Eh. Whatever.
SK: You rock.
Inna: You rock hard.
I had a blast hanging out with both of you.
-Angela
I think perhaps maybe I’m losing my mind.
But I’ll continue to blast my music really super loud and sit here and write. I’m a combination of the happiest person ever, and perhaps the most confused individual I know. Okay, well maybe not the MOST confused.
Went swimming like 3 or 4 times. Drum circle died. I was sad. Drummers [who were NOT Chad, cause Chad rocks my socks] sucked. Chad, you keep rocking on.
Talked to SK as much as possible. Saw incredibly hot guys and drooled over them. Acted entirely ditzy and just didn’t give a shit. Stayed for cleanup, did my best to help. SK rocked and helped a ton, and I thank him for staying, even though I got bitchy and blahbals… end of story.
Inna: Inna kicks ass.
More on Inna? We hung out a lot too. I had a blast at Denny’s with Inna, Jackie, and SK. It felt nice to just sit and relax with SK. It felt cool to hang out and talk to Jackie. Inna just always kicks ass.
It felt wondrous to stay out until 3-4AM, and know that Steve knew and that I wasn’t going to fuck up about when I got home.
After a delightful stay at Denny’s, meeting Sandy [Inna’s friend] --- Inna and I headed over to SK’s. I felt this incredible urge to be affectionate with SK. If anyone mentions the one of the infamous, “cold to the touch,” people, that would include me. I’m a fully tested subject.
Inna: You rock.
SK: Heehee!
I wish I could have spent the night there. Oh well. I was so fucking comfortable.
S’all good. I woke wide up again when I drove home and got Inna a comfortable sleeping arrangement [that included a complimentary Dachshund to cuddle with all night long.]
I slept. Went to bed at 4:30AM.
Woke up at 9:00 when Fritz wanted to go out and potty.
Got up, and saw Inna had been awakened by the other attention whoring Dachshund [Rufus]….
So, I woke up and wasn’t going back to sleep. I talked to Inna for like 3 hours. It was so nice just to talk to a friend--- and I just can’t say how much I’ve come to enjoy the companionship of people who I never knew. I wasn’t so fond of Inna when I first met her, but now it’s contagious. Her calming demeanor is great. And I find we relate to each other in some areas that other people don’t relate to me so much with. It’s just relieving.
Hm. What else? Had an awesome day with Steve. Was nice to him all day long. The evening proved good, until we tried to be romantic. Then we just got pissed off at each other. Well, it was really me. I flew off the handle this time. He tried to discuss my late nghts. He told me he really hates it when I stay out late, till 3-4. He tried to call the other night, but I had left my cell in the car [intentional partly, and partly not]
I was like, “oh sorry,” the night I came home and he told me that.
But mostly, this time, when we were getting ready to sleep and trying to be affectionate [it’s an effort for me to be this way with Steve. No joke anymore.]
He brings this up. Suddenly I just get frustrated, and it turns me off entirely. I’m just like, “I’m sorry. I’m not going to stop doing that. I enjoy it a great deal.”
He got frustrated, I got frustrated. He basically said that I don’t try at all in our relationship. I never do anything to make an effort at it. That made me hurt. I know I’m not easy to deal with--- but damnit I thought I was trying. "Don’t make me give up, Steve," I think to myself. Though, I've already made a strong inward decision not to, as of now, when before, I hadn't. He told me I make him feel “disposable,” by the fact that I tell him to just “deal with it,” in so many words.
Well damnit, you’re not daddy. I told him that, and he said he wasn’t acting like a parent. What do I do? I just don’t know. I do know that I’m going to hang out and be young while I can. I said, “Kelsi goes out and parties and does all sorts of shit. Well damnit, it’s my turn to have fun and stay out all night…..”
It made me totally angry. He was trying to guilt trip me for trying to go to sleep. I like to face outwards from the bed, that’s just how I sleep. He gave me this shit about how I was pulling away. I just got pissed off, raised my voice with very strong conviction and just said, “Don’t you DARE guilt trip me about something as simple as trying to go to sleep. I won’t have it. I’m going to go to sleep, and that’s that.”
He laid there and cried his eyes out. I laid there and tried to sleep. *sighs*
I’m sorry I can’t bend completely. He acts like I’m not trying at all. I am. I’m trying… can’t anyone see that? Does it look like I’m being entirely selfish. I want to scream. I get no recognition that I am actually trying.
So many dreams. Perhaps I should just shatter them and create a new slate. I do make him cry a lot. I’m sick of it. Am I that much of a monster? Look at me. I feel like shit about it on one hand. On the other hand, I think “suck it up… I’m rightful in my feelings, and if you don’t want to hear the truth, then don’t ask for them.” *shrugs* It’s all good. I don’t need a self esteem. He can slowly chip away at that confidence I feel I’ve amassed. Sexually, and any other way.
My parents are now selling their house to rent another one, instead of buying one. That makes me sad. They had owned this… but now it’s not a choice. Realtor’s words? “We’d rather help you sell this, than have to repossess this from you.”
:X
Why do my parents have the shitty luck? Are they going to die with these troubles? They’re waiting for my “so called,” grandma to die…[the one who doesn’t give a shit about who I am and didn’t want to bother with me visiting] so they can retire and actually have money. How depressing.
I had such big hopes for what they could do… my dad has given his notice, to contract dental assisting. He has a month contract, that’s good. But their credit is so screwed they can’t possibly get another home loan. Steve is convinced if they tried hard enough, they might be able to. They say they’re going to rent until she dies.
I want my mom to be able to stop working at fucking Target week after week… I don’t think people who are 50 should have to do that shit anymore. Maybe it’s dumb to think that way…. Ever since I was born there was something shitty about my dad’s workplace, or he got laid off…. Or they were giving him the shaft somehow at work.
My dad’s sense of hope and drive is dying by now, 20 years of the same old shit.
How must it feel to think that your mother’s death will be the best change of your life?
It’s not as selfish as it sounds. *sighs*
I forgot how crappy it was, because I’m in my own rental unit [for now] and I’m doing very well. Money, for the first time in my life, is not a stressor behind everything. I can buy things. I can drive and not care. I can help people when they’re down—and it’s not a problem for me. But I know how it is.
I’m even thinking about trading Joe in soon, and buying a new car. I am seriously thinking about a brand new Surburu WRX. I’m sick of having 2 doors. I’ve got 2 cars like that, I want a seden, but one that might encompass all things I like. And I hate red. We’ll see. Maybe next month, maybe 6 months from now, maybe 2 years from now I’ll buy one. Right now I want to see if it’s something I’d be interested in. THEN I’ll think about if there’s a big chance of Steve leaving the picture for me, so and on so on.
But I must say, I have equity in Joe right now, and a 14% interest rate--- because when I bought it, I didn’t have any credit. Now my credit shines. They’re offering a .9% [for 60 months I think] interest rate on the WRX’s. I’m dying for a car that will kick Trav’s Mustangs ass.
And a car that isn’t red and tan. And a car that doesn’t have the residue Sultan miles on it. And a car that isn’t ready to have a new clutch gods know when [it generally happens around 70,000 miles…. Joe is at 72,000 miles now.]
*shrugs* We’ll see. Could be next month. Could be 2 years from now. I might go have fun with this and just shop to have fun. All the other car buying experiences [save for the Camaro] were stressful and I hated them. This could be fun. Just to go and drive some cars and not care, and not be in it to buy necessarily.
I also feel insecure about what my co-workers might think--- as bad as that sounds. I’ve got 2 cars as it is [YES I’d trade Joe in] but I feel frivolous as it is. Though Joe was always known to me as a stepping stone car. I needed it for reliability and I didn’t have a ton of time.
Eh. Whatever.
SK: You rock.
Inna: You rock hard.
I had a blast hanging out with both of you.
-Angela
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Date: 2004-05-24 11:24 am (UTC)Saturday night: I think I've already told you a couple of times, but it was soooo great. I try and be careful at OLOTEAS to not totally monopolize your time...I know you're there for your religion. :) But I really appreciate the time you spend with me there. :)
And after that...I enjoyed the affection a lot. :) It was just really fun and nice. Thanks you. :)
And...yeah. I just wish there was something else I could say as far as Steve. But I think I've already said everything I can. I just hope he can change along with you, because it seems that you are changing while he is staying the same.
Oh, I saw that you just called...I'll try and call you on my lunch break. :)
Bummer!
Date: 2004-05-24 11:30 am (UTC):D
S'all good! Jeah. Saturday night was fun. So was Sunday morning. hahah that sounds so wrong.
-Karen
Re: Bummer!
Date: 2004-05-24 11:35 am (UTC)*wink wink* It sure was. If you ever do stay over, I'll cook you breakfast. ;)
Yeah, it sounds wrong, but it sounds so right too! *LOL*
Re: Bummer!
Date: 2004-05-24 11:38 am (UTC)How quaint.
hahahaha.
-Karen
Errr
Date: 2004-05-24 11:29 am (UTC)~Lb
Sad.
Date: 2004-05-24 11:16 pm (UTC)~Lb
replies to parts of your post...
Date: 2004-05-24 06:56 pm (UTC)I'm sorry about your family... :( I hope everything works out in the end. I mean, I'm sure they are good people and they work hard but keep having bad luck... at some point, something good MUST happen... karma.. yeah. (hope you get what I'm saying)
I'm really happy that things are going well for YOU financially...
About Steve... *sigh*.. I'm not even sure what to say. I don't really have experience with romantic relationships. *hugs* You..you're strong. I'm sure you can get through it and whatever is meant to happen, will.. and I think you will push for it to be what you think should happen.