Not so optimistic entry

[angelak]

It becomes clear that I have no direction.
That I have no real hard-fast thing that I want anymore.
I’m so confused and lost within everything right now.

There’s tons of things going on, all consecutively. And I hate it when people ask dumb questions. If I’m not talking, that means something is wrong. Get the fucking clue.

I feel like shit. I’m sick again. The lack of voice was not from Saturday, or it was--- I had just gotten sick.

I thought things were better. But nothing is.
Points of stress:

• Khaya issues. Where AM I going with this relationship? I’m not ready to be serious. And look at what I did. Now what? I’m going to screw everything up. Going to? Wait. Probably already did. I’m tired of expectations just now. That’s what I was trying to break away from with Steve.

• Steve issues. We’re talking. It’s not bad. But there are some things added to the plate consequently.

• Cheryl issues. It seems to me that no matter how hard I try, my emotions fly off the handle in this area. I can scarcely stand it. Conversations seem to end in depression. Joy. It seems as though she misses a lot of things I see and feel entirely. And vice-versa.

• Exercise issues. I’m trying desperately to get back to where I was.

• Illness issues. I’m stressed, and have repeatedly gotten ill.

• Mark issues. Not so big, it's minor. But still. It's just one more element of unknown/lack of understanding.

• Back injury issues. Will it ever go away? I used to be fine.

• Spell issues. I’m a lousy leader. The tri-ad leadership thing is overwhelming. Especially the less and less emotionally stable I become lately.

• Bobby. Hah. Just the fact that I know I’m not a part of his life. Not that I make an effort anymore. Ever heard of that book, "he's not that into you,"? Yeah.

I think I’m out of hope for a lot of things right now.


• The good things?

• Kelsi. Best friends make a huge difference.
• Khaya. We have something really special, even though I’ll probably fuck it up entirely soon. And because he likes to shut people out of his life, that probably includes me someday.
• Jon. For reminding me that I’m taking my problems too seriously.
• My job. Somehow I manage to hold it together there. Most of the time.
• My Duplex and Eclipse. Lifelines.
• My dogs. They always know how to make things better when you cry.
• My job. For the independence that I have.
• My cell phone.
• Pictures and memories of when I wasn’t as big of an idiot.
• Pain. For reminding me that I’m alive.
• Ice skating. For making me feel good and giving me a place to outlet myself.
• The promise of spring. I want my trails back.
• Lianna.
• The fact that my group grew up together and are still friends. That's usually more unheard of.


*sighs* What else can I say? I’m struggling with myself. I’m struggling with lots of things.

-Angela

Comments

Re: I guess it can't hurt....

[damiana-swan.livejournal.com]

*more hugs* Yeah, a bit. That's okay, I think you have to lose your way before you can find it again. (I have no idea if that makes any sense; my brain is operating on severely limited sleep today.)

So, here's what I do. About once a year, I'll spend 2 or 3 days walking around with a notebook, writing down everything I can think of that I want or need in my life, or want or need to not have. Everything, even the really silly sounding minor stuff, in every facet of my life. Once the wants and needs are coming to mind much slower (like popcorn in the microwave when it's about done) I spend some time dividing everything on the list into prioritization categories.

1) absolutely must have (or not have) in order to stay sane and healthy
2) really really want and will give up a fair amount to get it
3) very cool and would probably negotiate for it
4) nice but not really necessary
5) nice but only if it doesn't cost me anything.

Once I have those lists of priorities, I have a pretty accurate picture of who I need to be and what I want my life to look like. Since I already know what my life looks like now, I can use it to figure out how to get from here to there. I can use it to make rules for myself, and it's useful for figuring out my own personal ethics. At one point, lo these many years ago, I used it to help me with figuring out what kind of job I wanted to train for. (I ended up in the library tech program at Highline CC.) I can show the list to my partner(s) to help them understand better who I am and what I need, and it's really useful for negotiating and resolving relationship issues, because it helps me remember to not give up things that are really important to me, and also helps me remember to not put too much emphasis on things that are less important. It also makes for a good 2x4 when I'm in a situation that isn't healthy for me, and shows me what is unhealthy about it.