Not so optimistic entry

[angelak]

It becomes clear that I have no direction.
That I have no real hard-fast thing that I want anymore.
I’m so confused and lost within everything right now.

There’s tons of things going on, all consecutively. And I hate it when people ask dumb questions. If I’m not talking, that means something is wrong. Get the fucking clue.

I feel like shit. I’m sick again. The lack of voice was not from Saturday, or it was--- I had just gotten sick.

I thought things were better. But nothing is.
Points of stress:

• Khaya issues. Where AM I going with this relationship? I’m not ready to be serious. And look at what I did. Now what? I’m going to screw everything up. Going to? Wait. Probably already did. I’m tired of expectations just now. That’s what I was trying to break away from with Steve.

• Steve issues. We’re talking. It’s not bad. But there are some things added to the plate consequently.

• Cheryl issues. It seems to me that no matter how hard I try, my emotions fly off the handle in this area. I can scarcely stand it. Conversations seem to end in depression. Joy. It seems as though she misses a lot of things I see and feel entirely. And vice-versa.

• Exercise issues. I’m trying desperately to get back to where I was.

• Illness issues. I’m stressed, and have repeatedly gotten ill.

• Mark issues. Not so big, it's minor. But still. It's just one more element of unknown/lack of understanding.

• Back injury issues. Will it ever go away? I used to be fine.

• Spell issues. I’m a lousy leader. The tri-ad leadership thing is overwhelming. Especially the less and less emotionally stable I become lately.

• Bobby. Hah. Just the fact that I know I’m not a part of his life. Not that I make an effort anymore. Ever heard of that book, "he's not that into you,"? Yeah.

I think I’m out of hope for a lot of things right now.


• The good things?

• Kelsi. Best friends make a huge difference.
• Khaya. We have something really special, even though I’ll probably fuck it up entirely soon. And because he likes to shut people out of his life, that probably includes me someday.
• Jon. For reminding me that I’m taking my problems too seriously.
• My job. Somehow I manage to hold it together there. Most of the time.
• My Duplex and Eclipse. Lifelines.
• My dogs. They always know how to make things better when you cry.
• My job. For the independence that I have.
• My cell phone.
• Pictures and memories of when I wasn’t as big of an idiot.
• Pain. For reminding me that I’m alive.
• Ice skating. For making me feel good and giving me a place to outlet myself.
• The promise of spring. I want my trails back.
• Lianna.
• The fact that my group grew up together and are still friends. That's usually more unheard of.


*sighs* What else can I say? I’m struggling with myself. I’m struggling with lots of things.

-Angela

Comments

[damiana-swan.livejournal.com]

*big hugs* One way or another, it's all going to work out okay. Honest.

Are you up for suggestions?

I guess it can't hurt....

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Strange time in my life, I think... Sure. I'll hear you out. Anything might help right now.

Do I sound as lost as I am?
:X
*hugs*

-Angela

Re: I guess it can't hurt....

[damiana-swan.livejournal.com]

*more hugs* Yeah, a bit. That's okay, I think you have to lose your way before you can find it again. (I have no idea if that makes any sense; my brain is operating on severely limited sleep today.)

So, here's what I do. About once a year, I'll spend 2 or 3 days walking around with a notebook, writing down everything I can think of that I want or need in my life, or want or need to not have. Everything, even the really silly sounding minor stuff, in every facet of my life. Once the wants and needs are coming to mind much slower (like popcorn in the microwave when it's about done) I spend some time dividing everything on the list into prioritization categories.

1) absolutely must have (or not have) in order to stay sane and healthy
2) really really want and will give up a fair amount to get it
3) very cool and would probably negotiate for it
4) nice but not really necessary
5) nice but only if it doesn't cost me anything.

Once I have those lists of priorities, I have a pretty accurate picture of who I need to be and what I want my life to look like. Since I already know what my life looks like now, I can use it to figure out how to get from here to there. I can use it to make rules for myself, and it's useful for figuring out my own personal ethics. At one point, lo these many years ago, I used it to help me with figuring out what kind of job I wanted to train for. (I ended up in the library tech program at Highline CC.) I can show the list to my partner(s) to help them understand better who I am and what I need, and it's really useful for negotiating and resolving relationship issues, because it helps me remember to not give up things that are really important to me, and also helps me remember to not put too much emphasis on things that are less important. It also makes for a good 2x4 when I'm in a situation that isn't healthy for me, and shows me what is unhealthy about it.

[ahtei-eneogei.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking about taking my Spring Break off and heading out for a camping trip. You should come ;)

[netharos.livejournal.com]

I really just have to hope problems from a back injury go away, because I know mine are terrible right now, and it's been 2 years. Of course, I've never been to a chiropractor--haven't had the money yet--so I still have something to work towards in that regard. Yesterday my mom called me and told me that if I didn't try again, and this time get accepted, into grad school tomorrow, I'd be too old to get accepted. This made me feel like shit on a plethora of different ways--but that's not important here. What's important is that I didn't agree--I'll be "too old" only when I am dead. What's really important is remembering that we always have a direction in the end no matter what--even on those days when we are sick, feel wholely miserable, and spend the entire day listless in bed. Things are still moving, and we move with them. Oddly enough, when we feel like we have no direction, that's when our problems and stress that continually point the way. It's clear to me that there are many things you currently have your life involved in--certainly relationship wise--and that is a good thing. It's frustrating when you don't know where the path leads, and with so many to walk, how to know which route to choose. Ultimately, I believe, your feelings will guide you rightly, now matter how you understand them.

I appreciate your struggle, and I admire your strength. You're already helping yourself just by sorting out your thoughts, and I think you know that. Of course, I'd be happy to help you in any ways that I can offer--if nothing else, my heart goes out to you. I have great faith in your abilities, and I hope you will stay a leader in Spell for awhile longer--because time and time again, I know you've lead me to a happier place.

[vixenesque93.livejournal.com]

Too old? Give me a break, no one's too old for grad school-or any kind of education. I had people in my English 101 classes at BCC who were grandparents. One woman was in her late 50's and wanted to go back into teaching elementary school.

*big hugs*

[nobodyberry.livejournal.com]

I think we must all go through times like this at some point or another. It is good (at least IMO) to be constantly re-evaluating your life and what you want out of it. Especially you, who are so dynamic, so ever-changing. I suppose I should be used to it by now, but I am still constantly amazed by how your life can switch directions quicker than the blink of an eye. My life has always been more gradual than that, so it's a different world for me.

A definite cliche comes to mind, but I feel that it is still good advice: take it one day at a time. One moment at a time. One breath at a time. You are on the right path already -- putting things into perspective and bouncing that perspective off of those you trust. Practice that nasty patience thing, and in time, things will begin to sort themselves out.

Now here are some words that I want you to pay particular attention to:

I believe in you.
You are strong, you can get through this.

Hear those words coming from me, and then, go look in the mirror and say them aloud to yourself. They are as true as you make them.

[vixenesque93.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I understand.

[aroidan.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I don't know what to really say as I really don't have a full understanding of everything yet. And well that is ok. For my part though, my life has gotten thrown 2 huge curve balls in 6 months now. We went from being a couple, to being nothing and my mind struggled with this thought but finally came to grips with it. To now, having the promise of a good friendship with you again. My head is still whirling around so I have some idea where you are comming from.

So as far as we are concerned I am happy with what we have so far. For the first time in probably close to 5 years I have no expectations of where things should go. I am open to any and all possibilities of where this road takes us and I am done trying to control where the road goes. It is really more effort then it is worth.

Also, you must realize that by having no expectations of where the road will go I have no expectations of where the road will not go either. I am simply going to let my body and mind enjoy my life and not worry about what happens.

Anyway, I hope that you will talk to me more about things that are troubeling you. I will offer you suggestions/help/support only where you need it or want it and I can offer you those things. Anyway, hope to hear from you soon.

Later,

-Steve

P.S. MSN is still fubar here and it is making me mad.

[centeruniverse.livejournal.com]

If there's anything I can do to help, please just let me know, okay? I'm here for you if you want/need me.

[vamp11.livejournal.com]

You are a strong lady, and this is all going to start making sense eventually. Your job is to just hang in there until it does. Lots of hugs, Amanda

*MUWA!*

[dragonfaery93.livejournal.com]

*huggles*

-Cheryl