Not so optimistic entry

[angelak]

It becomes clear that I have no direction.
That I have no real hard-fast thing that I want anymore.
I’m so confused and lost within everything right now.

There’s tons of things going on, all consecutively. And I hate it when people ask dumb questions. If I’m not talking, that means something is wrong. Get the fucking clue.

I feel like shit. I’m sick again. The lack of voice was not from Saturday, or it was--- I had just gotten sick.

I thought things were better. But nothing is.
Points of stress:

• Khaya issues. Where AM I going with this relationship? I’m not ready to be serious. And look at what I did. Now what? I’m going to screw everything up. Going to? Wait. Probably already did. I’m tired of expectations just now. That’s what I was trying to break away from with Steve.

• Steve issues. We’re talking. It’s not bad. But there are some things added to the plate consequently.

• Cheryl issues. It seems to me that no matter how hard I try, my emotions fly off the handle in this area. I can scarcely stand it. Conversations seem to end in depression. Joy. It seems as though she misses a lot of things I see and feel entirely. And vice-versa.

• Exercise issues. I’m trying desperately to get back to where I was.

• Illness issues. I’m stressed, and have repeatedly gotten ill.

• Mark issues. Not so big, it's minor. But still. It's just one more element of unknown/lack of understanding.

• Back injury issues. Will it ever go away? I used to be fine.

• Spell issues. I’m a lousy leader. The tri-ad leadership thing is overwhelming. Especially the less and less emotionally stable I become lately.

• Bobby. Hah. Just the fact that I know I’m not a part of his life. Not that I make an effort anymore. Ever heard of that book, "he's not that into you,"? Yeah.

I think I’m out of hope for a lot of things right now.


• The good things?

• Kelsi. Best friends make a huge difference.
• Khaya. We have something really special, even though I’ll probably fuck it up entirely soon. And because he likes to shut people out of his life, that probably includes me someday.
• Jon. For reminding me that I’m taking my problems too seriously.
• My job. Somehow I manage to hold it together there. Most of the time.
• My Duplex and Eclipse. Lifelines.
• My dogs. They always know how to make things better when you cry.
• My job. For the independence that I have.
• My cell phone.
• Pictures and memories of when I wasn’t as big of an idiot.
• Pain. For reminding me that I’m alive.
• Ice skating. For making me feel good and giving me a place to outlet myself.
• The promise of spring. I want my trails back.
• Lianna.
• The fact that my group grew up together and are still friends. That's usually more unheard of.


*sighs* What else can I say? I’m struggling with myself. I’m struggling with lots of things.

-Angela

Comments

[netharos.livejournal.com]

I really just have to hope problems from a back injury go away, because I know mine are terrible right now, and it's been 2 years. Of course, I've never been to a chiropractor--haven't had the money yet--so I still have something to work towards in that regard. Yesterday my mom called me and told me that if I didn't try again, and this time get accepted, into grad school tomorrow, I'd be too old to get accepted. This made me feel like shit on a plethora of different ways--but that's not important here. What's important is that I didn't agree--I'll be "too old" only when I am dead. What's really important is remembering that we always have a direction in the end no matter what--even on those days when we are sick, feel wholely miserable, and spend the entire day listless in bed. Things are still moving, and we move with them. Oddly enough, when we feel like we have no direction, that's when our problems and stress that continually point the way. It's clear to me that there are many things you currently have your life involved in--certainly relationship wise--and that is a good thing. It's frustrating when you don't know where the path leads, and with so many to walk, how to know which route to choose. Ultimately, I believe, your feelings will guide you rightly, now matter how you understand them.

I appreciate your struggle, and I admire your strength. You're already helping yourself just by sorting out your thoughts, and I think you know that. Of course, I'd be happy to help you in any ways that I can offer--if nothing else, my heart goes out to you. I have great faith in your abilities, and I hope you will stay a leader in Spell for awhile longer--because time and time again, I know you've lead me to a happier place.

[vixenesque93.livejournal.com]

Too old? Give me a break, no one's too old for grad school-or any kind of education. I had people in my English 101 classes at BCC who were grandparents. One woman was in her late 50's and wanted to go back into teaching elementary school.