Not so optimistic entry

[angelak]

It becomes clear that I have no direction.
That I have no real hard-fast thing that I want anymore.
I’m so confused and lost within everything right now.

There’s tons of things going on, all consecutively. And I hate it when people ask dumb questions. If I’m not talking, that means something is wrong. Get the fucking clue.

I feel like shit. I’m sick again. The lack of voice was not from Saturday, or it was--- I had just gotten sick.

I thought things were better. But nothing is.
Points of stress:

• Khaya issues. Where AM I going with this relationship? I’m not ready to be serious. And look at what I did. Now what? I’m going to screw everything up. Going to? Wait. Probably already did. I’m tired of expectations just now. That’s what I was trying to break away from with Steve.

• Steve issues. We’re talking. It’s not bad. But there are some things added to the plate consequently.

• Cheryl issues. It seems to me that no matter how hard I try, my emotions fly off the handle in this area. I can scarcely stand it. Conversations seem to end in depression. Joy. It seems as though she misses a lot of things I see and feel entirely. And vice-versa.

• Exercise issues. I’m trying desperately to get back to where I was.

• Illness issues. I’m stressed, and have repeatedly gotten ill.

• Mark issues. Not so big, it's minor. But still. It's just one more element of unknown/lack of understanding.

• Back injury issues. Will it ever go away? I used to be fine.

• Spell issues. I’m a lousy leader. The tri-ad leadership thing is overwhelming. Especially the less and less emotionally stable I become lately.

• Bobby. Hah. Just the fact that I know I’m not a part of his life. Not that I make an effort anymore. Ever heard of that book, "he's not that into you,"? Yeah.

I think I’m out of hope for a lot of things right now.


• The good things?

• Kelsi. Best friends make a huge difference.
• Khaya. We have something really special, even though I’ll probably fuck it up entirely soon. And because he likes to shut people out of his life, that probably includes me someday.
• Jon. For reminding me that I’m taking my problems too seriously.
• My job. Somehow I manage to hold it together there. Most of the time.
• My Duplex and Eclipse. Lifelines.
• My dogs. They always know how to make things better when you cry.
• My job. For the independence that I have.
• My cell phone.
• Pictures and memories of when I wasn’t as big of an idiot.
• Pain. For reminding me that I’m alive.
• Ice skating. For making me feel good and giving me a place to outlet myself.
• The promise of spring. I want my trails back.
• Lianna.
• The fact that my group grew up together and are still friends. That's usually more unheard of.


*sighs* What else can I say? I’m struggling with myself. I’m struggling with lots of things.

-Angela

Comments

[vixenesque93.livejournal.com]

Too old? Give me a break, no one's too old for grad school-or any kind of education. I had people in my English 101 classes at BCC who were grandparents. One woman was in her late 50's and wanted to go back into teaching elementary school.