Blah

[angelak]

I guess it's just been a bit of a low keyed emotional day.
I'm not sure what else to say...
Like no matter what I do I'm bound to do, say, think, feel, or be wrong.
I can't be myself this weekend.

I just don't know. I realize my friends are a bit further from me lately, but as usual when I get this way, I feel handicapped from reaching out. I get irritated easier and I no longer have a personal bubble to retreat to. I can't sit at home by myself listening to loud music and drinking wine anymore. Wine isn't even attractive like it once was anyway.

But I can't just be. Alone time and self indulgence seemed to really help me when I lived alone. Wait. Does that even make sense? What do I do with myself now when I feel this kind of melancholy? Maybe I really did enjoy that emptiness in my house. The every day grind of coming home to no one. I miss it.

I didn't think I'd be saying this. And the more and more people comment (those who know me, those who don't) about my aggressive, strong nature, the less and less enthusiastic I get to open up to anyone.

I can't talk all the time. I can't understand my feelings all the time. And sometimes I just don't want to talk, especially when it feels like I am all talked out. There's no sense in it, there's not going to BE any sense in it.
And why can't I use my Scottish blood to explain a certain amount of stubbornness? I just feel angry. Angry that I have to share my life with someone, and angry that my friends don't want to spend time with me, and angry that people are angry at me for not talking to them.

I'm angry that my dog is going to die someday. I'm angry that it costs money to deal with right now. Angry that I cannot just hide away from 100% of everyone. I'm not saying I don't like living with somebody, I just feel really cramped and like my Independence is gone. Like I don't know what's good for me, what I want, and how to ask for it sometimes. And sometimes I like it that way.

I'm tired of people and their jokes. I don't care if they were aimed at someone else. I don't want to hear all of it.
Right now I just feel excessively melancholy. There's no one to talk to about it. Jim wants to talk but every conversation we get into revolves around negotiating and justifying and explaining. No matter what I say or do it will become public. He is as bad as me about sharing himself. That is fine, except today I just want to be and not worry about what that is. I can't, I just can't. I wanted to cry this morning because Jon was such an ass about things. And now I want to cry again. I just feel like crap.

I'm flawed, and I know that. Just like everyone else. But mine are obvious and I don't hide them. Everyone else is hiding behind their veil of so called perfection. Well I hate you all.

I am tired of searching for the "why," or the "what" behind every moment of emotion. I'm exhausted of it. EXHAUSTED of talking about it.

So, I have a temper. I get annoyed and I make sure people around me know I'm annoyed. Cry me a fucking river and leave me alone if you don't like it! I am who I am. When I say that they get mad. Nothing annoys me more than someone trying to say I'm doing that so I don't have to change. Whatever.

I was going to get a tree tomorrow. But somehow I just feel... bah-humbugged. Like... I was looking forward to a real tree but the discussion has come up so many times I just want to skip it. THere's a good possibility I will skip it. Who needs a tree anyway? I haven't had one for the past couple of years. Why start now? Who needs tradition crap anyway. I'd rather just hide under another self-imposed rock. Because I'm really good at that.

I miss my quiet house and my music any time I want and my space to be myself and not have anyone say anything about what that was. I had no idea what I had. And now it's gone. And where are the people who give a shit? Other than my mom, I feel like lately everyone else is out of reach. This is the single most contradicting, emotional post I have made for the year, perhaps.

-Angela

Comments

[glitch25.livejournal.com]

I say this with love and affection: quit your whining, get off your butt, and live your life. It is everything you make of it.. nothing more, and nothing less.

*hugs*

[cupiecake.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

when i need to hide it's usually my anxiety, and I go to my room and hide under my blankets and usually sleep.

maybe you need to take a step back and say heyyy i need to take a personal day, and just - do what you need to do. *shrug*

I hope you feel better~

[clayshaper.livejournal.com]

*hug* I can hear your frustration. :(

I found it interesting that you express a lot of anger, and a lot of anger about being lonely... in my experience, nothing assures lonliness than an attitude of 'i'm pissed off, and if you don't like it, fuck you!' ...people shrug, and move on.

Lots of folks think that seperates the 'real friends' from the rest- but it doesn't. It leaves you with other angry people, or enablers... listen to Glitch of the wise words thar- stomp your feet, be pissed- but grab your belt and get active.

I know we're not your normal crowd for hanging out, but if you want to say, go to a movie- Jim and I are wanting to see Golden Compass, among other movies- drop me an email at my username at comcast.net and we can arrange to go! And vrooom- You won't be lonely for at least a few hours! :)

Life sucks ROCKS sometimes. I totally understand that. Just remember, you have lots of folks who are quite fond of you- don't push them away, drag them close! Go to the yule parties, have a coffee with someone you like, just... DO!

And have that tree. You can do it yourself, ya know. ;)

[prophetessamy.livejournal.com]

Makes me wonder what's going on in your chart. But everything makes me wonder that about everyone's chart :P I realize I don't know much about you. Did you just recently move in with someone-Jim? Are any of these feelings more recent (like past couple of months) or are they very familiar problems?

*hugs*

[nobodyberry.livejournal.com]

First of all, if anyone ever tells you not to be angry, they're full of shit. You be angry if you want and don't let any anyone tell you otherwise. Or any other emotion for that matter.

Second, I want to tell you how the days could not fly by fast enough until I come to visit in less than 3 weeks. Seriously.

There is much, MUCH love coming to you from this part of the world. And as much as I'd love to talk to you, I can also just do the listening thing if you'd prefer. :)

Chart stuff

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

I love how you're curious about everyone's chart, that's pretty cool!

I did move in with Jim August 2007 (or rather, we moved in together into a different place.) So, I know part of this is adjusting. I've lived alone for the past few years, and it's a funny thing how although it was lonely living alone - I had no idea how comfortable you can get with your own habits. Perhaps even with how to handle life when you're stressed.

I'm still figuring out just how I like to respond now that I am sharing space with someone. It's big enough so we aren't in each other's face all the time, but small enough that sometimes I feel like it's hard to get away, but that could be a mental thing more than a spacial thing.

These problems are pretty new for me. I guess mostly the feelings are new. A lot of my friends are frustrated with me for not reaching out to be with them. And for some reason that feels hard to do right now. I know I can do it, I just have to put my mind to it, and work through some mental stuff, but yeah. :D

I probably wrote way too much of an essay, but I'm kind of in a verbose mood today!!

Thanks for replying, even though you don't know me well - it means a lot.

-Angela

Ah, yes

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

I guess it's more or less that I rarely just let go and vent these days. It's been pretty good in my life so this was just a first. I really felt like I needed to process and write, so as it were. We could hang out sometime, it's getting to be that busy time of the year, but yeah! My only issue with movies is they cost so damn much. lol.

-Angela

Anxiety Happens...

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

There needs to be a shirt or a bumper sticker or something.

I guess it's just that sometimes stuff gets weird. And that's totally normal. I'd hazard to say it's more obnoxious when people try and do this bullshit "tough love" thing and tell you what you should and shouldn't do.

When I'm upset, I'm fucking upset. I'm not the sort of gal who normally sits and lets the world pass me by. So if I get upset, it's really that I just need to vent before I go nuts.

I'm sure you understand...
I want to have a New Years party. I should really get those invites out or no one will show... (That was random).

-Angela

Re: Chart stuff

[prophetessamy.livejournal.com]

I can't resist asking for a peek - this sounds like progressed moon stuff. Would you mind if I took a look at your chart? (no charge - I'm not doing a full reading or anything, fyi, just curiosity!)
If not, that is SO fine.
What I need from you, if you do want to share, is your birth date, time (as exact as possible-let me know if it's not and how much it's off) and place. You can email me at amy@heavenlytruth.com if you'd rather not post it here.

Re: Chart stuff

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Honestly - I love to know more about stuff like that. I'm just not well versed myself beyond "crappy google automated charting dot com" (any random site.)

I read those for entertainment value. Anything you'd want to do is 100% fine by me.

Birthday: August 29, 1984
Seattle, Washington
5:36PM (17:36)


I always mix it up though, it might have been 6:35... but I am pretty sure it was 5:36.

I guess I am okay with the world knowing when/where I was born :)
A full on reading would take quite a while I bet. :P Speaking of you, I should probably stop hiding under my rock and call Oscar one of these days.

-Angela

Re: Chart stuff

[prophetessamy.livejournal.com]

Ok - well if you ever want a real reading (from anyone), you'll definitely want to confirm the time with your own eyes, cuz it does make a difference - your ascendant changes signs with the hour difference.

ANYhoo, well, it's not the progressed moon, but I suspect it has to do with Saturn slowing down and turning backwards (not really, but it appears that way to us on earth - it's called stationing retrograde). When planets stand still, it's like an exclamation point - whatever issue may have been floating around suddenly seems to stand up and yell for a minute.
Saturn has been pressing your mars & sun - and among other GOOD things, Saturn also manifests limitation - working within limits, feeling like life situations are more restrictive than they once were, and when it presses on your mars especially, you get angry (feeling like you have to defend). Saturn-sometimes-can feel like the walls closing in like they were in Star Wars (Return of the Jedi?) when the garbage walls were threatening to crush them.
From what you describe, that's what seems to stand out, and since Saturn is coming to a stand still right now, the exclamation point.

Re: Chart stuff

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

The joy of retrograde!
I always think I'll remember which hour... and then I constantly forget. I think I will write it over and over and over again in hopes of committing it to memory.
:P

-Angela

Re: Chart stuff

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

But - that does sound pretty on par. Thanks for the brief!

-Angela