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angelak: (Default)
I'm going to start out with simple posts first and warm up to real life posts. Hello, 3 people on my list. HELLO, WORLD!

This still counts as real life:

The pleasant reality of my husband and boyfriend going to dinner because I am not eating (starve diet until Tuesday) and the husband had to stop starve diet early due to sore throat issues. Jimmers likes to eat; Sean likes to not be sick. Now they're happily headed off somewhere to talk about games for a couple hours. And the fact that I did a bunch of laundry sorting and found Jim's socks and underwear and had them in a special pile that Sean asked, "what's this?" and I said, "oh, Jim's underwear and socks." Then I said, "a normal husband would be freaked out by that, I suppose." Poly life. These two are nothing alike and have their share of differences, but they sure get along well. Metamour win.

-Angela
angelak: (Default)
Here's a breakdown that I think is helpful to folks who haven't mentally envisioned what it's like to be non monogamous in a not-deceiving fashion.

Imagine for a moment you have the following 2 situations:

1: You have 2 children.

2: You have 2 parents (with whom you get along and had a mostly healthy relationship with).


Situation #1:
You have a daughter and a son. They're completely different people. Having one child would never prevent you from loving the second child. Your interactions with the two children are entirely different, but you feel the same levels of caring and love. Their personalities are different from each other, they have different strengths and weaknesses, preferences and dislikes. Even your wife or husband has a different connection with the children. In fact, having these kids doesn't withdraw your love from your spouse for that matter, or the other child. You do, however - have to manage your time differently surrounding extra personal connections with these fellow humans, your offspring. You also connect totally differently based off of who you are, and who they are. You structure your life based off of what people exist in it, this includes kids.
Much is the same in regards to adding relationships that are possibly more than friendships.


Situation #2:
You have two parents. You do not love your mother or father more than the other. Or do you? Would you ever socially say as much? Probably not if you did. (This supposes you have a relatively healthy connection to both of them). You may have a preference for one, or perhaps you like your Mom in some situations better than your Dad. Or vice versa. They fulfill different roles possibly. Maybe they do fulfill different roles, or maybe not. This happens with partners too, if you have more than one. Preference for differing roles does in fact happen, but it isn't to say you necessarily have a "favorite." And if you did, you'd be a total jackass who didn't deserve either/any partners, because bringing that to light is truly an asshole move. In my not so humble opinion.


To move on to a third example for aid in understanding this - one could say you have no limit to the number of friends you have. Everyone's friend circle differs a bit, including the severity of each friendship. Perhaps you have a personal preference also on how many and how close they are, but that doesn't mean because you have ONE friend, you stop connecting with others and refuse more friendships. This is similar to how poly folks view relationships.


Polyamory differs often from swinging. Swinging is purely a physical thing most often, where polyamory most often is based off of emotional connections that may also have physical aspects like a "regular romantic relationship." (Commonly accepted mainstream vision.) It may not, though. Some do have more casual physical encounters than others. It really depends on the individual who practices the open relationship lifestyle. Configurations differ in as many ways as you can imagine.


This also brings up other considerations. The idea that someone is poly and wants endless partners is pretty inaccurate. Just as some people choose to have 1 or 2 kids, or maybe others are OK with 5... but most people aren't OK with 5... the same is true of poly partners.

I do not like to have more than 3 people who I date and schedule as romantic connections in my orbit at once. Mostly because I also like to have friends without romance too!!!! And jobs and other family members.

3 is too many as far as I am concerned depending on the levels of the relationships. Which is my biggest conflict right now. I have two "primary" type men in my life. This is a lot. I stopped seeing my other guy not because we broke up - but because I met a second "primary" type connection. We're still open to connect if we get the chance; he consequently took another lover because I became a bit more scarce. It wasn't a bad thing. That or he just likes lotsa ladies. And the ladies like him ;)

MY definition of Primary partner is as follows:
The kind of person you basically live with and make major life decisions with, is what I call a primary.

There are what some call "secondaries," which is not to say they are less important, but they play a different role in ones' life. Some people actually reject these categories because they feel it reduces people to being less important than others. I just need classifications sometimes; but not to raise someone above others. I also try not to do this to my friends, either. But I do have a couple of people that I call my "best friend."
Back the idea of a secondary partner: Maybe you only see them once a week or once a month. You probably don't make your financial decisions or living arrangements different for these secondary kind of boyfriends or girlfriends.

The other thing is that EVERYONE runs it a little differently. That's true of monogamous people, but you'd never know because no one ever talks about how each monogamous relationship is different.


Speaking of this - with Jim, I often found him looking for potential partners with folks who were not already poly. I tried to coach him into the idea that he must search in the right places. For one because you get a shit ton of rejection if you don't seek out already poly folks.
Also because it is, as I see it - mostly unwise and searching for failure to look for single people who are monogamy minded. Not cool for them and not cool for you. I am entirely uninterested in men, for instance, who are married monogamously. There are often people who worry when they hear about poly that these folks are freaks with no rules or no regard for respecting anyone. I really am only interested in people who are honest, and who also want to have this lifestyle for themselves. Which includes total transparency.

The notion that poly folks have no regard or rules? It could pretty much not be further from the truth. The notion that I'd ever be interested in a cheating spouse. YUCK. (I've had women think that simply because I was poly, I wanted to "Steal" their boyfriend or husband. No, thank you. People are SERIOUSLY not objects or property to be owned by me anyway.

That said, a poly relationship does not operate that differently than any other. It would be unacceptable and disrespectful to evade conflict with one partner by going to the other partner. Possibly even abusive. These scenarios may happen with some people (Just as monogamous people do terrible things to some of their partners). The question was posed to me if I am angry at one man, do I rush off to the other one. This does not solve a problem that arises between me and the first guy. That's not a very kind way to treat a partner. Someone that you love and care for. That's pretty rude, and what I see as somewhat abusive. If you cannot confront conflict in one relationship, this relationship is headed for ultimate doom eventually. It will not turn out well. You are probably not ready for more than one relationship, or maybe you need to do work on yourself before you even have a single, solitary, monogamous partner. These are bad ways to treat anyone in any relationship configuration.

Given that I was with my boyfriend for years before I had other partners, I definitely did not develop the habit of being a jerk to him when we had problems. Personally, I try a lot harder in a poly environment to be kind and gentle with my partners than I do in monogamy. I have in fact done both relationship setups, and I can be either poly or mono. Some people cannot be poly, others cannot successfully be monogamous. It's true. We're all different. The biggest thing I found fascinating upon learning about polyamory is that there was a default setting; but also options BEYOND the commonly accepted and assumed monogamy model. I HAD NO IDEA. And the big thing is the knowledge to choose what works for you, rather than accept blindly what everyone says you must do.

To go back to what I was saying prior:
I work really hard to be fair, to hear people out, to communicate, and not to squash and crush someone's heart and feelings. My feelings of love create the urge to do right by these people. Even in moments of stress and difficulty. Especially in those moments.

​People that you have around in your life, it is best to treat them well. Like your children, friends, or parents. Family members. My polyamorous partners are my family.

Some people fail at treating others well. Some people don't fail at that. This logic transfers over. Some people are amazing to their wives and husbands. Some are not. I'm a pretty loyal person. I operate off of as much compassion as I can. I worry a lot about how someone feels, what my actions do to the emotions of others. I think about it a lot more than I wish I did at times. ​How you handle poly interactions, communications, changeovers, plans, guidelines and rules, committing to following through with what you've agreed with between everyone - that all has direct consequence. Sometimes the consequences are quicker and more ugly or more beautiful in poly setups. I have worked a lot and observed and trial/error'd a lot of this. I still worry I will botch it up. Sometimes I do. I try and understand when my partners make mistakes, that I must be forgiving for the same reason that I cannot be perfect either.

This is basically how I view polyamory in my life.

Details?

I have a calendar. There are basically days I spend in one house and days I spend in the other house. It is difficult at times. But we do this to children when folks divorce, so how bad can it be for an adult? In fact, I understand the challenges of what children of divorcees must feel. Sometimes it's totally fine. Other times it really, really sucks.

As far as being out about polyamory. Some people I'm ok with sharing. Other times I want to appear normal like everyone else. Nothing in my life has run as it tends to for mainstream people. There are moments I like to pretend, just for a little while, that nothing is weird/abnormal/constantly questioned, or worse - judged negatively, and invalidated.

The last concept I feel inclined to address about this is the concept that if you are dating more than one person, that you are not truly committed.
I'd like to say if that if someone has love for someone else, and that breaks your commitment - this is in my eyes, a different level of commitment. The actuality of my husband or boyfriend being in love with another man or woman and NOT breaking my union or relationship ACTUALLY expresses a different kind of commitment. To remain together and appreciate that they value someone else as well as you, IS commitment too. Commonly accepted cultural views say that being "exclusive" is the only way to have commitment. This is wrong. I commit to loving my men regardless of who else they may fall in love with and become physical with - provided we follow guidelines and agreements that we've come to. Because if you break guidelines and agreements, this qualifies as cheating - whether you are monogamous, or polyamorous. If you can support somebody connecting with others and still have a strong, loving relationship - I argue directly that this has nothing to do with lacking commitment, but rather just the opposite.

And when I am in poly places, it feels good to know I am not alone, that I am not a freak, and that my problems and struggles are normal too. To feel understood. There are times that being misunderstood about my open relationships is frustrating. Especially if they're wildly inaccurate, or terribly unfair notions, that may make me appear to be anything less than what I really am.

-Angela

What's New

Aug. 20th, 2012 10:55 am
angelak: (Visualize)
It has been a long while since I had an opportunity to write in my livejournal. It has been dormant. A lot has been happening. So much unrecorded, but in truth I can remember all of it right now. It’s later on when the months pass that I will forget the things I no longer wrote it the LJ land. Since I last posted, I have been cast in Rite of Sol, I have become a sub teacher instead of a regular teacher at my home studio and a regular teacher at Bikram Yoga Redmond, as well as Bikram Yoga Kirkland.

My Grandma died, I am still managing my Grandpa’s funds, we as a family are also taking care of Grandpa, making sure he is doing okay. This is a challenge in and of itself.
I am happily engaged in the polyamorous lifestyle. Every minute seems filled with abundance at this point. Sometimes this is the biggest bliss point ever – and other times a plate or two that I am spinning starts to tip over and I falter. The biggest challenge at the moment is to get the YOGA for myself. I went through a phase where I didn’t teach very much for a brief month, and then it came slamming back with a vengeance. Alongside my city job, all of this does take some managing. Especially given the fact I am involved with three different studios on the eastside, among other things.
The word abundance really captures how I feel. The gratitude I feel every day for the people who I am directly involved with regularly, and the studios I “work” in. Teaching Yoga is a blessing and something that while I sacrifice my own practice at times, is entirely worth the struggles I have endured to get to where I am today. I am becoming a stronger teacher, and continue to aspire to the best verbatim Dialogue that I know how. My brother is back in the orbit of the family, and we are grateful for his presence in our family again after his isolation and soon to be ex-wife situation. We are happy. It is apparent that HE is happy, too. Recently being hit with a strange virus that claimed his voice TEMPORARILY… well, he’s struggling through that.

James is a rare gift of a person. I think that is why it bothered me so much when he was no longer a part of my life, in major part due to the spite of one woman. The good news is that while Grandma’s story was ending, she brought James back into the family as she left mortality. Both of them are very important people to the family.

I am learning a lot about the family at this juncture in time, and have been all of 2012. My role has been harried to say the least.
And the rest of 2012 is going to see a lot more Yoga teaching for me – I look forward to sharing the yoga with people all over the place, and transforming my teaching more and more and more and more.

There’s nowhere else to go, here – but up. And the people who I am able to see are so very special to me! I have the most beautiful circle of friends. While I wish I had more time for things and was further at my Deacon memorization, I also realize I have limitations. And a whole life time. We’ll see what I can do. I was starting to make progress in April, and since then life has been a whirlwind.

Needless to say, Life is Quite amazing for me right now.
I work hard. I rest just enough. I need more yoga, but I am working on that constant balance of teaching and taking and living and loving! And I am more than thrilled to be a part of the cast of Rite of Sol this year. This is something I wanted to be a part of for years.

And choosing to take care of myself first - and consciously acknowledging the people that will harbor a giving and receiving nature within friendships, relationships. Particularly in the times I needed it most. Because my energy reserves waned when some serious things were going on with the family.

And all the good stuff? Well. I worked for all of that. I'm not going to lie. Product of hard work, blood, sweat, and yes - tears!

So here it is!!!!
Growth experiences abound.

-Angela
angelak: (AngelaSide08)
6 classes are on my schedule for this yoga teaching week for me. I am so happy about this. Last time I taught 6 in a 4 day span, my teaching changed and I stopped sounding as rough around the edges when I replayed my recording of my classes.

On Thursday - weather permitting, begins my Yoga teaching week. YogaMonday. It's equipped with an immediate mentor class, which is fitting for a Monday. One of those things that I detest. Rates up there with root canals and a punch in the face. That's okay! I'm muddling through mentor-ship. I look forward to this week, I teach a double on Saturday and a double on Sunday. It's a shitty deal that my first class of the week is the "mentor" class, but it is what it is. I tend to warm up and get words back loaded into my brain, even though I study during the week. Sometimes.

This week I haven't been studying as much, even if I was ambitious last week. I can't deny it. I fully enjoyed stepping away, 100%, last weekend. 3 day weekend, blissful.
Then Tuesday and Wednesday were hard to get back into gear.
I think my brain is struggling sometimes to stay focused on studying when I get a spare minute. It's okay though.

Been pretty happy lately... got some great friends around, having the right relationship experiences for this period of my life - not overdoing it. It seems a friend of mine said he would imagine I'd have the pick of the men I'd want. This wasn't really something that I felt I had. And yet ever since I went away to TT, it's like my clear everything (chakras, life purpose, commitment, whatever) is causing me to be more attractive than I think I have ever been in my life. It has nothing to do with the physical, but people have been drawn to me lately. I'm so unused to it, so unprepared, all of it. Men abound. This isn't bad. My fragile ego could use a boost. It's becoming less fragile, after all. Teaching, with all its perils, is changing me. TT did change me. And yet I only have time and energy for a select amount of relationship/interaction/whatever the fuck you want to call it - with men. There's my main squeeze, Jim - the wonderful, who is actually a lot less in regards of energy to maintain at times... and one other person. I'm honestly not interested, nor have the energy, focus, inclination to expand beyond this currently. I need time to study, I need time to teach, I need time to work, and while it appears I'm attractive and desirable to a number of people that I may or may not find engaging in this fashion, I simply do not have more of me to go around. Take that as nastily as you like. Also, I've always been a simple creature in this respect. This is why while I've been poly a long time, there has always been that frequent rumor about my monogamous nature. Hahaha.

*shrugs* What can I say... but who knows. I also hate that I have so much propensity for relationship access (it feels weird even writing about this in a way, but here it is, like always, out in the open) and yet Jim is kind of on the down side of that. He claims the women out there in the poly community are not nearly as attractive as the men that I have available. I'm not so sure this is true. There's me, after all..........

None the less. When you sit in your house, on your computer, for most of your off hours - rather than spending months immersed in variant communities, both poly and not poly - communities, well. You get what you get. And yet the disparity still remains. I try not to worry too heavily on this; that issue is definitely his personal issue. But it remains - I will always care, and that is the issue. I care a lot about his feelings. ;)

And while you could say my crowds are suited to this situation - I find it is also a numbers game, just like monogamous dating. Not that I play games, and not that it is about numbers. It is sheer happenstance for me, and at times I felt I would remain single'y poly. Meaning, just with my main squeeze. *(I hate the term primary partner.......I donno why).
Also, lately - I am managing to see friends that matter to me, all kinds of friends. Perhaps my study time suffers, but my heart doesn't for these friends build me a solid, contented place from which to draw my energy off of. And lastly, I am managing my workouts the best I can, trying to maintain my own practice, run a little, CT a little. Nuts. I tell you. Nuts.
So, it's been blowing my mind the number of men interested, and it is all because I am out living my life, feeling my purpose, and happy to touch the lives of others - completely preoccupied with life rather than dating. That is for certain. And what does "dating" mean anyway? Classification gets messier and messier if you get too attached to it. That's also certain.

Some days, I am so busy. I know I am miserable when I am not busy. This also is true. And I have a lot of ambitions that are in the pike for 2012. Honestly. I'm terrified in a sense. I want to get more involved in the Mass team, I want to deacon. But also, I am really, seriously considering attempting the whole "Rite of Sol" involvement this year. I'm not sure how, what, or where in my right mind I think I can do all of this. But I actually, truly, think I can find a way to make it all happen. I keep putting that positive affirmation out there, and truly believing inside, deep down too. Does that make me clinically insane? Memorize, memorize, memorize. Memorize. Explosive things in my life. I'm sick of sitting on my spiritual journey and stuffing it into a box that is there "if I have time." When I was at TT, the first two weeks reminded me of how much I have been stuffing it into the background of my life. That is why these other two things are coming to the forefront... but how the fuck do I think I can do all this? I think I can. It's so very weird, but I think I can squeeze it all in. I guess that's my lot in life. I'm not satisfied unless I'm taking on things that are big, exciting, new, growth oriented. Sit me in a corner and leave me inside my house and I'll turn into a crazy lady. REALLY. Let me out and let me take on things that scare the shit out of me, feel above my level, and give me something to reach for... and I'm blissed out. Just don't criticize me. I'll bawl behind your back, smiling to your face. A weakness I have.

This year I am also very aware that I need to work on "getting out of my head." All the important and even some not so important people lately have been giving me the knowing eye ball look, and mentioning how "in my head," I am. Like. 6 different people in 2 weeks... look, Universe. I get it. I promise to work on it this year. 2012. Out of my mind. Get with getting out of my mind. Got it.

A big one? I'm also blown away by the quality of people in my life these days. It's been messing with my mind. I have some really amazing connections, and I am grateful for all of them. Everyday.

-Angela
angelak: (Glittery Lips)
Check it out, alternative lifestyle friends. You could spend a while staring at this...
http://tacit.livejournal.com/333842.html
-Angela
angelak: (AngelaSide08)
Time to write a Yuletide post!

As I sit here sipping my carrot-banana-chocolate-smoothie that I opted for instead of a morning latte boost, I can't help but think back to all the changes that happened in 2010. I'm ready for the return of longer days... I'm ready to get past the pre-winter bullshit. Maybe I'm supposed to be enamored with the holiday spirit. This year, I didn't really feel any of the holidays intensely, beyond Samhain. I have to say Samhain was misplaced, but I felt the energy as pungent as I've ever felt. What do I mean by this?

(Raw cacao powder turns me into a hyper-speed woman). I was thinking of going to get coffee, but opted for a healthier breakfast with raw cacao instead.

I was in Las Vegas with a bunch of new friends, wandering around pretty much in a state of Bliss. That wasn't typical Samhain energy - what WAS, was the transformation all that was drawing together. It was all seamless. A lot of major shifts hit me right before and right after Samhain. But this isn't a Samhain post per se.

So, I'm sitting here as I take my annual day off, reflecting on the entire year. So far, I have never had anything official to do on Solstice, but I take the day off anyway when my office allows (which my office pretty much allows me to do this annually, and if they didn't, I might squawk about it being a religious holiday - because it is).

What things do I need to let go of?
What things do I want to grow in 2011?
Today, while I clean out my own, big closet, and possibly start on Jim's man-cave room as a gift to him while he is at work (starting is the hardest part, and I get the feeling if I start, he will worship me, for one - and also be in better shape to get crackin' on the rest). He has expressed sincere, intense desire to fix up his man cave.

So, while I do these things, after I get off my ass, before I work out today (I always put work outs above house cleaning, but on Yule, I will do the reverse) - I will contemplate what I need to let go of this year, and continue thinking about what I need to give water and grow next year. Now is the time. Longest night of the year, I intend to make this the best Yule yet in terms of impregnating my life with potential and possibility. Yes, I used the word impregnate.

Now, I can't stay here writing too much longer. But I can say I owe my household some gratitude, and some intense Love for making it the best Home that I can. And I am now realizing that I owe my domestic partner and Love some intense gratitude right now as well. He has put in a lot of hard work with me for the past 5 years, he has seen me at my absolute lowest point in my life, and he has given me 100% support the whole way. And even as Samhain kicked our relationship in the nutsack pretty hard (it did, I'm not going to lie) he has continued to unwaveringly support what it is I need to do on MY life path, while simultaneously continuing to give me his strongest Love. This is no small thing to sneeze at. A lot of men would have taken their glorious cocks between their legs and ran screaming from me. Of course, that's hard to do when we have this wonderful mortgage ;) But I know he wouldn't have any way. He is willing to do what it takes to be on this journey with me. I'm not sure I know why I am so blessed to have bumped into him. At a bar. While I was drunk. Hmmm... Admittedly, I wasn't THAT drunk, and I intentionally approached him to dance. Because I'm all about dancing! Even if I look ridiculous.

Digression.
On this long Winter's night, I intend to keep a high vibration feed as much gratitude for all that I have and all that is to come. I am also in deep gratitude for the sweet man who has yet to fail at making me smile - the one who lives 950 miles away. You know who you are (I don't even know if he follows this blog frankly, I know Jim doesn't). There also aren't words to express the special give-and-receive energy exchange that he and I share too. I'm blessed to be polyamorous, and to have the life that I lead. I'm so grateful for all of it.
I am so grateful to myself for creating this for myself.
And on this Yule, while not everything is perfect, there are so many scary things that happen to us day in and day out - I intend to help raise the vibration of myself and everyone around me.
Warm Blessings on this Cold Winter Solstice.

-Angela
angelak: (Palm Trees)
It's been quite the end of year quarter, so far. Ever since my trip to Vegas, life has been flowing at a break-neck pace. And I absolutely love it. I love connecting with people - I love feeling like I've found myself again after a couple years of feeling lost - honestly.

Headed out to Santa Barbara, California on the evening of Thanksgiving in a very unorthodox celebration of meeting someone in Vegas that I connected with strongly. My family doesn't do - as I said, so much for Thanksgiving. As for Jim's side of family: This was a relief in a way to skip out on the trip to Portland this year. It is usually stressful for me, even if it is wonderfully fun also.

Jim's family is fantastic. I just know there are parts of the family that don't like me as much as others, and I'm not exactly "at ease." Whether this is something that will happen with every boyfriend's family, or whether it just so happens every boyfriend I've had, this has been the case... or maybe it started out with Steve Butler's (my first serious long term guy) Mom hating me... I'm not sure. I was awfully young when that whole "Steve's Mom hates you," thing started. Like 15 years old.

Needless to say, I had a blast in Santa Barbara. Sasha met me at the airport, we took the 1-2 hour drive from Los Angeles to Santa Barbara. I felt a little ungrounded probably due to lack of a solid, good, dinner on the drive. As per usual, I babbled and made the time go quickly. I have no idea wtf conversation I had, but I was excited to be on an adventure, excited to be with Sasha, excited to be in California, away from the snow, the cold, the diurnal pattern of my life.

Moment to moment heart centered connection seems to flow easily with Sasha, it's pretty much a rare situation with someone who can actually take me out of my head - not intentionally, and have me present in the moment. And it happens without effort. I'm not analyzing, gauging, and calculating myself, others. Sure, I'm still myself - but there's some level of ease that enters me that makes everything a little less of a "big deal," to me. I can't quite put words on it, and this is by far the first time I've tried.

Finally rolling into Santa Barbara, I met Anton - his good friend and room mate. Anton cracks me up, and was sufficiently amusing while making his Thanksgiving pasta while singing "I wish you a merry turkey-day," to the tune of "I wish you a Merry Christmas." I don't think you've lived until you've heard a Russian singing "I wish you a merry turkey-day," while preparing ground turkey pasta dressed with Russian mayonnaise and regular ketchup...

Clearly buzzed from his piss-beer - I couldn't help but immediately take a liking to him. Eventually Anton finished his turkey pasta and went to bed. And so did we.

A quick summary of the fun things we did: Farmer's market in Santa Barbara, visited a beautiful park on the ocean and hung out drinking tea and coffee on the California coast... with goods from the farmer's market, we made 2 different raw pies together. I had the ABSOLUTE honor of going to his first Bikram class, and we took 3 total classes while I was in town. Hit the gym and hit the elliptical machine. Walked around Santa Barbara... went to a couple of movies (Morning Glory and Love and Other Drugs).
Also tried out some great places to eat (not-raw, but some really healthy places with a lot of veggie menu items).

Natural Cafe and Sojourner were two cool restaurants. I also got to meet Roma, and on my last day in SB, we took him to a Bikram class too! IT was AWESOME. Roma is this big, super buff, built Ukrainian guy. I nicknamed him "Tiny," because he was so sturdy.
Did some hanging out at his "office," where he usually goes in the evening to do some web work. Office=His Favorite Coffeeshop. We went there twice, I did some web work too, transferring my domain to Bluehost from where-ever I bought it (long story).

I have 2 domains to work on websites that will eventually be the face of a self defense project.

StrongWomenStrongDefense.com, and kickassselfdefense.com

Really, I just need a face to begin teaching people self defense.
It was super fun to have a guy to go to Yoga with - although I love going with myself, girls, I don't care. Yoga is awesome to share with people you care most about though - and that's my take on it.
I have more to write but I am running out of time!!!

So this will have to do for now. It was hard to leave California. The ordeal home was a story in itself, which I cannot say the trip out was. I can say that I feel like my growth in the past month and a half has been amazing. I just have to keep remembering that I am strong and that I am capable, and that all my goals are within my reach - and not to get scared and run away from them or shut them down.

Anyways, a lot of heart centered connecting was done, and I came home feeling so refreshed and energized.
Life keeps throwing me beautiful things right now, and I absolutely deserve them.

-Angela
angelak: (Break my heart)
It's been quite the day. Tension between me and Jim has me losing my mind, sometimes. I feel like in the evenings, when I expect we'll spend some quality time together and relax, we end up arguing lately. And arguing about the most ridiculous stuff. Is it me? It is him? Is it both of us? I wish I could pinpoint what is up. Sometimes, it seems that it's me. It's my patience, it's my level of annoyance at the way things are.

It's the housework, it's the way we communicate. Why are we both on the defense? The more defensive he gets, the less receptive I get. And yet I'm not exactly free of guilt from defensiveness. The big deal was that I had intended for Jim and I to really connect before I fly off to California. Particularly seeing as I'm about to see someone I have a bit of NRE with. Tonight he drives down to Portland after he gets off work. Apparently we will "see each other a bit," before he goes, but ultimately, I don't see that as the same as what we had an opportunity to do last night. We ended up going to bed in a state of irritation. Or was that just me?

The frustration continued as I headed off to work this morning. This morning, I really did feel like my heart was breaking. I have a lot of great stuff spinning around in my atmosphere, but with those shifting energies, comes transition. And that isn't always nice and pretty. I know he and I are morphing right now, and most likely into something better and stronger. But at the same time, it doesn't feel like that while I am in the midst of this.

Regardless, I'm heading out on a 5:35PM flight tomorrow to LA, and I'm going to chillax.
All my problems will be here for me when I return, I don't need to concern myself with solving them 920 miles away. ;)

And of course, because I may or may not have time to write these out, I'm going to do this today, right now - because it's important. The things I have such gratitude for:

+ My Lone Dachshund. (Fritz)
+ All the wonderful memories I share with Jim, and our ability to share every aspect of each other to each other.
+ All of the future memories I intend to be sharing with Jim also. I think it's time we did something special for each other soon. Very soon.
+ Abundance financially, enough to do what I want to do, more where that comes from!!!
+ Technology and the ability to connect with people all over, even if it isn't as good as face time.
+ My car and my skill to drive it so far ;)
+ The many friends who help me stay in vibration with moving forward with life <3
+ Traveling, keeping me fresh and energized
+ World friends, keeping my World bigger than the US.
+ New paths
+ Old friends, perspective, long conversations and warmth
+ Time off from work to live out other parts of life
+ Ambition, ideas, focus, drive, motivation
+ Running
+ Yoga
+ Raw foods, keeping me alive, alert, and enthusiastic and happy
+ Mental sanity. Depression is a short chapter in an otherwise bright book
+ My parents ;)
+ The comfort of my home
+ That it doesn't snow year round in Issaquah
+ That I can provide value to those around me
+ My outgoing nature - my ability to connect with those I know and strangers alike
+ My enjoyment of speaking in front of groups, and what I might one day do with this (It's powerful, I will be using this!!!)
+ PAINFREE KNEES!!!
+ My feet are headed towards the pain free arena next.
+ I am fit!!!
+ People love me
+ I love myself ;)
+ And aside from me, there are so many people in my life to love.
+ Green smoothies, raw pasta...
+ Power

<3

-Angela
angelak: (Angela Fritz Puppy Snuggly)
Good Morning!!!!
I was super tired last night, because I stayed out late on Thursday with Monk after Yoga. Then by the end of the night, I guess I turned into Princess CrankyBitch. Fortunately after bickering with Jim for 25 minutes, I realized... I should shut the fuck up and go to bed.

It dawned on me the cranky-ness=body demanding sleep.

So, Sleep I had. I slept in a couple of hours, happily saw the sun shining brightly in the sky. It motivated me to hit Issaquah for a run, before the "snow" as I put it on my facebook, comes this weekend. I remember when I was predominantly a runner and seldom took nearly as much time off from running as I do now (pre injury 08) when the snow forecasts came in, I was devastated. Well, life has changed a little. I don't run as often (I will in 2011, I'm getting that vibe, but for now my body wants me to break it up).

And that was pre-Dreadmill days. I remember using a Dreadmill (Treadmill) as an "experiment" because I had never used one (I had always run outside) and I was intimidated by the idea! What If I suck at the dreadmill yada yada. ANd then I found it was kind of fun, but only as a newb. As I got injured and they wanted me to use teh Dreadmill ALL the time, it began to suck the life out of my running. It's great for supplemental fun runs, but beyond that I just don't prefer it :D

Today's run was nice. Pretty fall day, very crisp, very cold, but the sun was shining. My lungs were wondering what happened to the 60 degree runs... seeing as the temp was around 38-40. But, you know. That's ok! It just felt good to get out and use my legs.

Can't wait for the party tonight.
Someone awesome is having a birthday! <3
Am looking forward to bugging my parents later this weekend too.
Jim misses them and wants to see them also! Very nice. What else? Speaking of Jimmers, he called his Mom last night because she thought he was not going to be there for Thanksgiving. Well, he IS going to Portland and he WILL be there. So he had to call and set her straight. Of course he had to explain that for the first time in a few years, (okay, really - the first time in 5 years) *I* will not be there.
And then of course the Why came up. "She's going on a trip to California."
To?
"Spending it with a guy friend." Of course - more questions forth coming. My parents know I'm polyamorous. Thanks, Steve Butler... for outing me when I dumped you in 05. Or was it 04? can't remember. I'm obviously getting old ;) Just kidding.

It would appear this is when he will come out of the poly-closet to his Mom anyway. His siblings already know. They're on Facebook, and we list each other as "In An Open Relationship," together. So it's pretty obvious.
But his Mom has avoided Facebook. Jim has let me know he is going to broach the subject while he is there.
I am mostly bummed his entire family will be together this year for the first year, and this is the year I choose to opt out of the holiday. And then again. I'm also glad. I stress out whenever I am around huge groups of family these days. It's not even like MY family has had a successful, peaceful, happy get together for some time.

And of course. I'm dying to reconnect face to face with Sasha. Because it's going to be super fun! So far I intend to do a Bikram class, like I said - force myself to run with someone new and not be insecure (I like running alone, no one to pace, no one to feel like I am too slow with, if my breath is getting horrendous, I don't have to feel goofy). But then again, WHATEVER. Hello - when I went running with Tom H. from the CGW 1, it turned out to be one of the most fun, quick, conversation filled runs I've ever been on. So I need to buck the fuck up, as Young Master Heinz would say. SPEAKING of Heinz. I really miss him, and I have had little chance to see the baby. Sad! I need to SET SOMETHING UP!!!

I should probably eat soon.

-Angela
angelak: (I go Wild)
This feels like the longest class known to man, for me right now. It’s a 4 day class, and I am nigh on the mid morning of day 2. The class? Sharepoint for Devs.

I’m not a developer. IE, programmer/coder.
It has never been an area that I was strong at. I don’t have a lot of dev background. I have mostly networking background – hardware, setting up networks, definitely peripherals and computer services sort of stuff.

So this… this class is way, way above my level of… whatever it is.
Basically it’s like sitting through a calculus class when you should really be in Geometry class.

It makes me feel like this project is really in a different arena too. I don’t feel confident in my abilities to design, create architecture of a website for a whole organization, and also build it out, support it, teach it to people. This, still on my spare time next to end user support and other projects at work. It would be one thing if it WAS a regular website. But Sharepoint is a whole headache unto itself. It's asp crap, it's not some simple HTML concept. It's this whole slough of crap that is more complex than that.

It really is frustrating. I know I’m whining. I’ve been managing okay, but the problem is this class is highlighting that I don’t feel equipped skill base wise for this.
Ask me subnetting questions! Ask me network topology~! Ask me like 100 other things. But don’t ask me to write code.

Don’t do it.

And don’t make me design webpages.
The only single saving grace this could be for me, is to actually teach people this. If I could actually get a product launched that wasn’t a pile of crap, shit, splooge, … then I could run with the idea. I could learn it from an end user standpoint and pass that knowledge along 1,000 times over to everyone else. That’s what I’m good at.

I’m not the builder/thinker/create it in your head type.
I’m not a web architect if you will.
Everything in my power says _ SURE, I can create a site. But it’s going to be hodge-podged, unorganized as hell, and really just not as effective as if you had an entire TEAM working on it. Say – a Sharepoint team.

With some people with specific knowledge and education in more than 1 week spans on the subject. My frustration knows no bounds.

I was reading some posts I wrote in 2006. Guess what, I was beginning to mess with SP in 2006. And not ONCE did I ever work with it and not feel very frustrated with it. Just, wow.

So, I’ve been having ulcers over this same thing for 4 years, and what it amounts to is now – finally, we’re seeing movement on it. And it’s where my job is supposedly headed.
Hmmmm.
What do I do? I’ve tried to get across to my boss my levels of discomfort, but somehow it evades him.

Not being direct enough? Yikes.

Onwards: in other good news, I am drinking a delicious soy caramel macchiato, and did something very impulsive-ish last night. This girl Jim knows from work had invited him out to see a play with her and some other dude. Apparently this chica, after him asking her out to coffee – went around asking every single backroom overnight worker what kind of “guy” Jim was. Like a full on investigation. The women he’s been almost getting involved with are giving me headaches, to be honest. They’re weirdos. I don’t care if that’s rude to say, but he has approached a couple of women and they’ve turned out to be flakes. This girl doesn’t feel like she is any different.

I mean – I understand being in the game for personal safety. But you WORK with the guy. And shouldn’t you figure out sooner or later for yourself in a PUBLIC location, where you can leave at any time – what kind of guy he is? So weird. The last girl insisted she was interested in him, and then insisted that sexual advances, including kissing were out of the question, that she was “abstaining.” Well – yes, I get where this is something folks do from time to time, she would do this jerk-him around sort of business. He went on like 3 different dates and eventually she said she felt guilty and had some conversation with her ex bf and then he never heard from her again. This didn’t bother him. I particularly didn’t like that chick and I never met her. It was the stories he was telling me about her that were throwing off a bad vibe on that one. (Vanessa). This current girl is Amy. Overnight workers are making me ill in the first place. Are ANY of you overnight working women not out of whack?

So after Jim got several comments from dudes he knew and didn’t know that well on the overnight crew about this girl asking about him – she finally calls him last minute like yesterday (I found out right after yoga) to see some play in Seattle. Only she was bringing some other dude too. Jim didn’t know this dude. Also, he wasn’t particularly eager to go. Well, he called me and we talked about it. He sort of wanted to hang out with me, and we’ve been sorta BLAH lately, but I was like – in my head “there’s no way I’m going to get in the way of opportunities and a chance to go do something for him.”

He seems reluctant (I’m not sure why – is it me? Is it his feeling uncomfortable about how the girl approached all his pals and unpals alike at work?) No idea. He ends up deciding to go. I see him for 5 mins, and he goes out the door. Whoop Dee. I’m sort of wonky, but mellowed (thanks to Yoga!)

I sit on the computer for 20-30 minutes and then I think. Ah, hell. I’m going for a walk. But it’s cold. I should definitely put on the layers. Then I drive down to flat area… and decide, “no!” And having seen a “no enrollment” fee ad in the mail for the brand new, opened 3 weeks ago 24 hr fitness 3 minutes away from home, I head back home. I’m going to check out the gym. I know I have a yoga membership. I know CT at home and prefer running outside… but there are times after 2200hrs in the evening that I refuse to go outside but still would like to run. Wanted to buy a treadmill but not wanting to pay the $$ or store it. Wanted to buy a deadlift bar but saw they cost between $150-$200. Too much expenditure…..

Also fantasized about watching TV and just walking at the same time. So. I did it. I went to the gym on whim. I was bored, it was earlyish. Got a tour.

It has a pool, sauna, steam room, hot tub, b-ball court, regular machines for cardio, weight stuff, a bunch of deadlift bars, yada yada yada. TOWEL service (nice) and it generally looked awesome. It was packed, but I shrugged. Whatever. I signed up for the year membership opting to pay in a few payments, but getting a lower deal. Multi-gym pass, I’m paying like $33 a month. I figured that was a good enough deal. Less than cable. I don’t have cable at home. This is my chance to have it. JK.

I then went on to swim 30 minutes of laps, and went for a little 30 minute walk while watching some TV. Went home.

Found out Jim had come home and was calling me. Apparently Amy and some “older” dude were there in Seattle but the show had sold out. They had their tickets, and Jim couldn’t get tickets. He lied to them and said he was going to go grab some food in town (Seattle). That it was okay. Guess he said it was sort of lame. He was excited that at least if he couldn’t go to some play he wasn’t crazy about seeing with some girl who he would rather have had coffee with to talk to – that at least he could go home and spend his evening with me. And then I was gone for a few hours. Off spending dough on something that I don’t NEED… but I’m sure it will be worth it.

Anyways. About this Amy chick. Uhhh, okay. So far, so lousy.
His luck with women is pretty weird anyway. It was before me, and it continues to be weird. I think he attracts freaky chicks. Nevermind me.

Maybe that’s mean. I don’t care!
Sometimes polyamory is a headache. FYI.

Anyways. Now I have a gym.
And this 24 hr fitness is ACTUALLY open, 24 hours a day. This alone makes it way better than my old 24 hr fitness membership. Not all of them are actually open 24 hrs a day.

Happily membered. It’s just nice to have options.
Really wishing I could chat with Mom this week. But it just isn't feasible in this fantastic class...

-Angela
angelak: (AngelaSide08)
Time to write some blog updates, here. As my life begins shifting lately, it seems the old ithisia livejournal entries are getting scarce. I like when I do sit down and choose to put words to the screen, and I know I’ll value the ability to step back and read them when these times are over.

Not succeeding this week at eating very raw. I’ve been eating about 50% raw, instead of 90-100%. I guess it’s not in alignment right now. Haven’t been craving the green juices as much – and it is probably to do with the cooler weather. Been eating fruits to try and take care of the sweet tooth and that usually works great.

I got a g1 a week or two back now off of CraigsList, as I couldn’t keep up texting with Jonny. He has an iphone, and I had a shitty RAZR that I’ve always hated. I got it 1 year ago when I moved into 874 – SOLELY because my other phone battery was too short lived.
The g1 purchased off CL, with my old SIM card because I’ve been a t-mobile customer for like over a decade now – works like a charm. No need to upgrade to a data plan, because it has WiFi and I’m not that thrilled about paying $20 a month extra for an incidental.

This week I have been trying to do more running, and succeeding. I had set the intent to do every other day running vs. yoga, but I have an engagement tonight that breaks into my yoga time :( That makes me sad, but right now I’m feeling like breaking it up how the life and schedule allows. Running gives me a lot more time to do other things with – (read, see Jim for more than a meal or two). At this point it’s important to me to keep that homelife relationship strong and improving and morphing into greater and more beautiful things. Why? Because the NRE with Jon is pretty fun and it exposes on some level some things I’ve been wanting to work with between me and Jim. These are good things.

We’ve been spurred to have a few super serious conversations that I feel like – I walked away with more insight into Jim’s reality. At times I am not entirely in tune with his reality.
So, because my schedule got a bit tweaked, it looks like this for the week:

Sunday: Ran
Monday: Yoga
Tuesday: Ran
Wednesday: Ran
The rest of the week will perhaps look like this:
Thursday: Yoga/Run (I sort of want to ACTUALLY make it to toastmasters…but in the interest of getting enough yoga in, I might have to push it to next Thursday)
Friday: Yoga
Saturday: Run

The goal was to get 4 runs in and 3 yogas. Next week I’d like to get more yoga in, and scale back on the running. I miss circuit training, but I want to start learning what the balance of running vs yoga is, before I can add in anything else to the equation. I miss my big guns and my built deltoids. My deltoids are pretty badass when I’m working them good.
It’s because I love military press. ;)

Feeling pretty good with 3 runs already this week; in fact I can scarcely believe it. Today my knees feel a little more tender than usual, even though I woke up with them feeling stellar. I think it was when I was hitting 7mph on the treadmill that did it. But, it still feels pretty awesome. My next run will be slower and more easy, and I will stick with steady. I’ve been doing some minor speed work and seeing results already. My regular pace is heightened. It feels good to run long. My legs reaching for the limits feels fantastic – but I’m also knowledgeable enough to realize that this causes more impact also. So, a couple of easier runs to ensure that my body’s limits are not pushed regarding tendons, and things will be great.

In yoga, I am getting further down in fixed firm and a little shocked that the past few times I’ve done this it has not done anything “weird” to tenderize my tendons. It makes me very optimistic that one day I will be back on the floor without causing tendon strain. I also feel a strong vibe that eventually – I will also be back to doing kneeling poses. I’m in no rush. The 2 I can’t really do without a modification or sitting out are camel and rabbit.
For one, I love camel.
For two, I hate rabbit.

And I miss doing both – no matter how poorly I execute rabbit. I always felt a sense of satisfaction from doing a pose that was really not constitutionally easy for me. But that’s why I stuck with Bikram, after all. None of it was easy.

Fighting in Yoga with standing head to knee – because my left knee tries to hyper extend every single damn time. I have to fight to keep the leg from hyper extending. It frustrates me, but I think if I just keep pushing and working on it – I’ll have some pretty awesome muscle benefits that will help keep my knee on that side safer. The right way – is the hard way.
Emotionally, I’ve been steering clear of depressive episodes and low moods. I feel like I’ve hit some major break throughs, and some of it has to do with being out of pain for most of my day. I am still VERY mindful all day long of my knees, but the dull ache and constant worry is fading. It is becoming a nasty memory that has shaped my soul.

I look back at my last 19 months and realize that 19 months was a short journey to what insights I think will be carried with me for the rest of my life here on Earth.
There’s no telling the number of people I wish to help one day with my empathy, with my ability and understanding of how these physical limitations can change your entire life, and your entire being.

While I may be mindful of my knees for years to come and perhaps forever – I know I’ve come very far. The turn around of this was in June 2009. I started my 30 day challenge that lasted 14 days with the Bikram Yoga, and found insights and strength to back off and turn my knees around. Without that 14 days of yoga, I doubt I would have had the presence of mind to know in my heart what things to do to get me where I could become as pain free as I am today.

I am still working with the extra weight I put on during that period, but it is minor. I am still fit, mostly trim, and close to my goals. I am okay with where I am at. Also, fortunate with 2 fellas to remind me that they value me for not only my physical attributes, but so much more.

I went in to get a physical a couple of weeks ago and got some blood work done: all numbers are stellar. I have super low cholesterol where it is supposed to be low, and all my other numbers are in the low range of what they’re supposed to be.
In my gyn visit the nurse and the gyn were surprised at how low my resting heart rate was. They said, “uh, do you work out???? We see very few people with a resting HR of 49…”
I grinned and said, “just a bit.” For the record, the average person has a resting HR of 60-100. Apparently I’m in the athlete class with the resting HR! Some athletes though, have a HR as low as the 30’s. (Think Lance Armstrong).

The lower your heart rate, the more efficient your heart is at pumping blood throughout the body. Less beats means a stronger heart. One could deduct that I have a strong heart! Yeay! You mean the toiling pays offff????
;)
What this tells me, is I am VERY healthy right now, in spite of some minor knee issues that are fading rapidly.

I also feel pretty emotionally grounded, which has been something I am almost as excited as I am about the knees! My day to day life has been looking like a lot of work, a lot of house cleaning and laundry, a lot of running and less yoga than I’ve practiced in the last 10 months, but still a pretty decent practice (falling to 3-4 times a week over the previous 5-6 times a week). I admit – it is keeping things fresh for me at this point. I can’t deny that my body just loves to run. In December 2006, I started an “experiment,” that I kept to myself. The experiment was running. I was too ashamed of myself to call myself a runner. I didn’t want to be a poser, so I kept this experiment to myself. I’ve been hooked on running for the duration of the last 3 years. And I celebrate this blessing in my life every mile I put in.
In December 2008, on the 5th – I began Bikram Yoga as “an experiment.” I had no idea what to expect, but it was largely due to the suggestion of S/Energei. My gut told me I needed to go do this. I resisted, but bravely went in by myself with no other intent but to improve my knees.

It became a refuge for my depression and my life. It taught me so much about myself and now I’m really thinking the next several years of my life will also include a steady practice in the Bikram Yoga. Besides – once you get addicted to how wonderful the hot room feels, I’m thinking it’s hard to step away from it ;)

Also the leg strength and balancing that is attained… it’s irreplaceable. On December 5th, 2009 – I intend to make a mental celebration of my 1 year anniversary to Yoga. I have also found some very energizing and supportive souls at my studio. I was very shy when I first started going, but their open and loving attitudes brought me to a place of emotional healing. I don’t think I could have done it without them. Linda, Brenna, Heidi, Laurel.
Anyways. More to come, but I have a chiropractic appointment very soon. ;)

-Angela
angelak: (Sing to me)
Having a wonderful Thursday morning. It's one week until I take a trip to Las Vegas, where I'll be going to Steve Pavlina's personal development workshop. This was my primary reason for going to Vegas. I'm not big into the party scene, or gambling. Regardless, I will probably take moments to also enjoy the scene while I am there. I'd never made plans to go to Vegas, but it seems my personal vibes have pushed me to attend this workshop, and I'm very excited.

Also, Bikram teacher training starts in Vegas over the 2-4th. From one of my teachers, she says you can drop in!!! She said perhaps later on in the first few days Bikram will probably teach the classes and so – in some I should be able to join in for a regular drop in fee if I can locate the place they're doing it!!!! (Which I am pretty sure I can).
This prospect is awesome!!! So, we'll see about. Maybe on my last day of Vegas, I will do a drop in.

Jim and I will be flying out Thursday morning – October 1st. This is our first plane trip together. We've been together for a while, but I do look forward to this milestone. I would pretend that I haven't become a bit of a self-help junkie, except that I can truly admit that between personal development and yoga, it has really alleviated a lot of my depressive cycle that had programmed itself to my brain. I was looking for ways to reprogram myself, when I ran into Steve Pavlina's book. Which I ordered and loved. And then I found his blog. And the chain of spiritual change happened. And as a respect to myself, I am not going to pretend it hasn't brought about a much better life circumstance for me on a day to day basis. Same with the following news.

In other news, I've been experimenting with eating more raw/vegan style. It's a personal experiment. I've been reading about it for months, but always felt too overwhelmed to actually make entire steps towards the lifestyle. It's hard to wrap your head around this sort of thing. No one accepts this. People like to reject the idea. I don't care how other folks live out their lives, and I think everyone should eat/believe/do what suites them the best – their personal Will. That being said, I'm doing personal experiments with my own body and seeing how it works for me.

This week I decided to stop being so intimidated. I went to a juicing class on Monday put on by this guy I've been following on facebook who does raw diet stuff, and was inspired. It made me realize that I don't have to doing anything 100% if it isn't what I want. So, instead – I decided to try to take it day by day. One day at time, instead of “I'm going to do this forever,” or even a 30 day trial yet.
And if I see situations where I see fit, or outright WANT to stray off and eat something cooked, I can and will. The idea that any percentage of raw food eating will improve me, is what I am going off of. My body is being inundated with fresh, raw, and wonderful nutrients.

And the thing of it (fruits and veggies) is... I haven't had many cravings at this point. For the most part I feel pretty good. My current routine goes like this: Fruit in the morning, a green juice at lunch, fruit if I feel my calories are crashing, and a big salad for dinner with tons of veggies/fruit.

This also with working out 5-7 times per week so far. The thing I enjoy most is – drinking gallons of water is less needed when you do this. The water is all inclusive in the food/meals. (Not that I don't have SOME). Instead of indulging in candy or other stuff, lately I've just reached for fruit instead.
Normally this did not work when I ate other cooked items... but paired with 50% veggies, and 50% fruits, I seem to notice that it's easier to handle. So, this is my experiment that I will work with for now. And if I feel like I don't want to, or it stops FEELING good, I'll drop it ;)

I've been sort of struggling with identifying with it – or admitting to certain skeptics about it. This is sort of why I'm writing about here it. To begin to remind myself of my own personal authority. It doesn't matter what Jonny says about it ;)

(Jonny is a sweetie of mine who is definitely into his protein). For an different view of protein, read a little about the protein myth, or don't...

It was when I found myself ordering my dinner salad out (knowing full well that most salads prepared at restaurants are not entirely raw) and picking at my chicken because I was afraid he'd judge me for it. I was breaking a couple of personal rules here: Changing myself for a man, (albeit a wonderful man!) and pretending to be something else that I am not.

Right now, I am not hugely meat eating. I've been experimenting (again, lots of experiments) with cutting beef and chicken for a few months. Lately I just indulge in meat as a “special” occasion almost, instead of a regular part of my diet. Hey – I've been pro-meat for years. I also love eggs and dairy. But, what does it hurt me to learn more about how my body feels on different fuels? Not at all.

So, last night when I prepared my (HUGE!!!!) salad dinner (that, note – I could not finish because I got full) I dialed Jonny's number and proudly announced that I was eating a fruit and veggie salad with NO PROTEIN. And that was how I liked it!

It was intentional because this was the second time I've prepared such a meal and had comment from him. I needed to get him to realize that I am not going to stand behind the “work out, eat tons of protein” concept. While I understand you must be careful about re-fueling, nutrients, and the like... I will go with my own body experiments and not accept stuff because “studies have shown,” or “other people told me,” XYZ.

I want to know for myself.

That being said, life has been good. The past few days I've been feeling very, very high.
Really, really busy. I went to yoga and then went straight to Red Robin to meet Jon for dinner and hang out. Yesterday I chose to skip yoga (and have a rest day) and hang out with Jim before he went to work.
Somewhat irritating that both my sweeties would have overnight jobs, and virtually the same nights off.

Could I just have a guy that works a normal daytime schedule??? Anyone? Actually, I don't think at this time I could even find time to have any other involvements. With Yoga, running, healing, ongoing personal efforts, reading, house keeping, and working – my life is honestly full. I also have been more social in the last 1-2 months, and this involves more friends.

This is how my situation with Jonny evolved. For the past 4-5 months, we've been getting together as friends. If anyone KNOWS Jon, you'll know that we've dated off and on for about 10 years or more.
Somehow, I found things evolving once again. Things are going well on that end. I have been trying to get him to go to OLO, but he's shy.

I think he also wants to lose some weight before he goes. :(
He is self conscious. He lost 100lbs 3-4 years ago, so he could join the Marines. He joined the Marines, made his entire life shift, and then in boot camp he got discharged for medical reasons. (He got sick or something?) He came home, got a bit down about it – and after sustaining a knee injury (are we seeing why I could connect with him on other levels?) slowly regained 2/3s of that weight. He was more overweight before, and I've always adored him regardless. When it comes to his weight and knee issues, although I am a tiny version of this – this is where I know Jim has less ability to directly relate to the struggle with injury vs. having been at a supreme fitness area.

The understanding I get from Jon is something I haven't found with any other connection in my life. (And we spend a lot less time talking about it unless one of us has a flare up with our knees!)

I would like to take this time also to shout out to the roof tops about how progressed my condition is!!!!!!

MY KNEES ARE ON THEIR WAY TO 100% health! Right now I still have to be very careful, but my day to day experience is much better. For this, I also feel the depressive states have lifted. But part of me thinks my outlook had a direct impact on where my healing was.

Right now running is a far lower risk than kneeling. Once the immediate inflammation went down, the running was less risky. Right now I struggle with reminding myself not to kneel in yoga classes. I have to sit out a number of poses (2 or 3, which feels like forever when you are the sort of student who normally refuses to relent). Lesson there: sometimes we need to back off in order to reap the bigger benefits. I already knew that, but it is a daily lesson when I go to class.

The kind of patience that not going into camel or rabbit poses takes, is bigger than that of practicing either position. Also fixed firm. So far, half-tortoise appears to do less harm. On my last visit to the therapist – she advised bringing a blanket or pillow to start going into kneeling poses. Well, my studio typically frowns on props. So I asked if I could use a towel. I am thinking the towel I chose was not enough padding, because when I tried one or two poses this way (as a test) it has left me waiting the past couple of days to get past a mild twinge in the around-the tendon area.
???

I am committed to take it easy the rest of this week and search for something that is sort of towel like, but very, very padded. It is the action of rolling over the kneecap with my full weight that currently causes relapse.

Look at me! I'm so learned. I am proud of my self knowledge. I feel like I'm waking from a long, deep – groggy sleep. Running feels like a blessing. Going for walks is elating. Stairs are wonderful. Standing talking to my co workers with less worry makes me want to shed tears.

Sitting down on the toilet with no pain is a personal triumph. What can I say? I will never take these things for granted.

-Angela
angelak: (ShadowFax)
People use different words for the same stuff and different words for different stuff too.

hahaha.

-Angela
angelak: (Girl needs a boy)
How monogamy and polyamory are similar: )

Your opinions, like your assholes, exist out there. Feel free to comment - although like your asshole, I may not want to really inhale too much too close. ;) Just a personal thing. Damn I'm vulgar.

Although more seriously and less sarcastically, I am interested.

*grins*
Thank you for tuning into Angela on her soapbox.
Have a fucktastic Friday.

93,
-Angela

Whoa

Dec. 6th, 2006 12:37 pm
angelak: (Eye)
And you realize your life has shifted when you are surprised by reactions and realize, "Wow, I'm monogamous these days so certain thoughts just no longer occur to me!"

I remember when I made realizations the opposite way. And here I am making realizations in the monogamous way.
A different friend I am IMing is mentioned why a couple of folks do not feel comfortable at OLOTEAS. "someone once told me one of the reasons they didn't feel comfortable at OLOTEAS was because it was somewhat more poly-friendly than monogamy-friendly."

Frankly, at times it is this way. I already had one thread down this subject.
Although, honestly - for me, I am secure enough in my own lifestyle that I can tell people just how it is if I need to, and I realize that just because there are folks out there who believe, or like to tell others that "poly is superior," does NOT mean I have to give a shit. So for instance, to those people who monogamously cannot handle the poly atmosphere: Get over it. lol.

It is human to blindly pronounce our own way better than others. And unless we're self aware as humans - things come off this way. Especially in larger groups.

I just was amused because one of my friends (not the one who was telling me about the person who was talking about OLO) ... surprised me. I don't think he knew I was monogamous these days! Hee hee.
Ah well. And then I had the remote thought, "ah, wow. Isn't it nice to be monogamous!" and then I realized, yeah. I'm in the right situation. My situation is low drama and that is all I care for.
Honest to gods. Anything else, anyone else? Do what thou wilt.
And really. It sounds a bit odd to hear myself say that after being in the counter-type-culture for long enough where those words are rarely uttered out of anyone's mouth. WELL here they are out of mine because I do find my current situation exactly as I want it to be.

Random: I have had more coffee because Travis ended up stopping by the office.
I am happy he has a girlfriend now and that he is having fun.
And I am also grateful for his friendship. There is no one out there quite like Travis.

-Angela

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