Today

A bit blank. Normally I would stress hitting class.
Because that's what I've been doing for a couple of months now to achieve the daily goal of making the class.

Right now I'm changing my tempo.
I'm not giving up per se. I think I need to settle out before I push myself too hard.
If that means fewer classes, so be it. If I want, there IS an 8:30 because it's a weeknight.
Last day off and then the work week begins.

I feel better today.
Not sure why I was so off base yesterday. OR Friday night.
Or really what this new off and on stuff is.
I bought 4 books on Amazon.com last night while being too awake to sleep.

"The Knee Crisis Handbook: Understanding Pain, Preventing Trauma, Recovering from Knee Injury, and Building Healthy Knees for Life (Paperback)"

"Treat Your Own Knees: Simple Exercises to Build Strength, Flexibility, Responsiveness and Endurance (Paperback)"

"Yoga for Healthy Knees: What You Need to Know for Pain Prevention and Rehabilitation (Rodmell Press Yoga Shorts) (Paperback"

And one that I've seen on amazon and wanted for quite a while:
"Yoga Anatomy (Paperback)"

$50 later, they should arrive Wednesday this week.
Free 2 day shipping if I agreed to sign up for "prime" membership. I already cancelled the renewal automatically charging you $80 a month or something.

I need to do 4 things.

1- Call my acupuncturist and get an apt. in. I haven't been in since my injury.
2- Call my doctor and get in. We need to talk. Even if it gets me no where.
3- Read up and perhaps find the home remedies that herongrrl advised.
4- Do not give up 100% on Bikram Yoga. I've come so far in 2 months to let the strength benefits fade entirely - I think for the next week or so I'll take it easy on the number of classes. I need to regain sanity and masking reality for Yoga practice at this time is not going to be the real solution.

The books will come, I will read and maybe start outside Yoga exercises.
I'm not saying I'm going to be that fanfuckingtastically happy.
I'm pissed off, really. And sometimes outright depressed about this.
But I have no choice. This isn't my choice. No, I can't be how I want to be.
There is also a nagging part inside of me that says I really wish I could start up short runs one or two times a week to keep this "I'm deprived!!!!" feeling at bay. Flat runs?

I'm confused and feel like this really is another crossroads of decision. All knee decisions terrify me. So, first things first. Acupuncture - my clinic will be surprised to see me since I stopped going :(

And my knee doc I saw in October. The same guy.
And maybe the books will shed light on more knowledge I have yet to glean. If I weren't so shitty at checking books out, this would be great. But the library also doesn't always have the books I want at the immediacy I want. Aside from that - who doesn't need some good reference books in their library? Well, I like owning books. Even if I'm not really that rich on spare cash.

I had a "Fuck, who cares," moment about my money last night when I hit the "purchase," button.
I am also confused because I want a vacation, but I'm afraid to spend the money on a real trip.
Jim is on board, now I am waffling. He doesn't know it yet.

I am afraid to take time off to just sit in my house.
(I'd go nuts - right?)
At least during the week when I am grumpy and at work, I have no choice but to be productive on some level as well as distracted from my miseries and depressions. Not that I don't get whiny about work too.

I have issues.
1 year ago - I had life as I wanted it. Today I don't.
It cannot be this way next year. I am not waiting for next year to come this time around. Entire last half of 08 I wanted 09.
09 is here. It IS better than 08 was. But I am still fighting battles.

Also feel bittersweet. Friends. How do I spend time with them?

-Angela

Shnockered

Part of me wants to let loose and go have a good time without worrying about the "health" retractions. Is that the right word I am looking for? I think it is.

Things that dehydrate me, these days I avoid. Like my blessed coffee sometimes.
Or more than a limited amount of beer and wine. I'm seriously tempted to just let loose and have a couple of drinks. But usually I find ways to talk myself out of this.

Coffee anyone?
Beer? Wine???

N/m. These days I focus so much on what is better for me, and so I just avoid. Like I said.

-Angela

My dogs

One on the lap.
One at the feet.
Sure do make it hard to get about...move around and such...

-Angela

Knee doc appointment

2:50 tomorrow.
I'll be in to see the knee doc.
I don't have much else to say on that.

I would have scheduled an acupuncture apt, but the clinic is closed today; so I'll do that tomorrow.

I wish Jim were awake.

But then what would we do if he were?

-Angela