Family drama installment #2
Dec. 27th, 2009 10:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angelakTo start off with: Sorry for the typo's. I had no time to edit this.
I have not wrote a thing lately.
I took this week off and have been relaxing and exercising and just being. It's been great.
Last weekend was my immediate family's holiday party. Following that was a trip to Portland to do Jim's family party.
Christmas day was Grandma's like always.
I've been really happy lately, feeling very content.
This is a blessing and I have worked through some very narly life crap to reach this current point in my life.
I have been very social, and all that.
On our family party, my brother pretty much didn't show up because him and the wife were fighting. I've never viewed their relationship as stellar, but for the most part I say very little about it - and I respect his choice for what makes him happy in his life.
They had a hum-dinger fight on the 19th, and the following day they made up or whatever and him and his wife got to go hang out and celebrate family time with mom and dad, and not with the rest of our immediate sibs. My mom tried very hard to get the 3 of us kids back to do her own holiday gathering. She'd been really missing that.
Well, it was a pretty hum dinger like fight that made me feel pretty uncomfortable watching. She tends to be very dramatic and controlling, I won't go into talking about anything else. He accepts this and carries out his life pretty happily. Since his marriage, I rarely see him. That's been fine. I get it - we all grow and end up with our own separate lives. He works a heavy schedule in the last couple of years (he has rather).
There have been times I've felt however, that I can't get through to him - without being filtered through Melissa (the wife). She was the holder of the phone. When I'd call, no one would ever pick up. So I gave up. I stopped called about 3 years ago. She tends to hold a grudge and then stone wall people.
I'm not saying she doesn't have her positive sides, it's just that I've gotten to witness and FEEL the other side of her. IF I disagree and won't back down, she tends to shut down and then I find myself not getting allowed into their home, or even communicating with them for months. This is a true thing.
This time, I was reading an LJ-friends post on Christmas Day about emotional abuse. I wasn't thinking too heavily - I was just killing time while getting ready to leave. I remembered how miserable he had been the day of the 19th. He looked forlorn, lost, confused, and miserable. Not quite a broken man, but pushed to his absolute limits by parts of their relationship. I tried to be supportive but was obviously not in the arguement and knew little else of what was going on. I'm not in their relationship - I have no idea what most of their life LOOKS like. But I know she was calling my mom freaking out and saying she "hit a guard rail" and she needed James or she needed someone to come pick her up. She didn't hit a guardrail. She was just trying to get ANYONE to respond and pick up. He had went for a drive to the pass to try and sort his thoughts. It began to feel like manipulation, and it frankly unsettled me to watch her go from my brother - who stopped answering his phone, to my mom.
To her mom. Etc. Eventually they all said, "call 911 if there is a real problem - or go home and give the man an couple of hours to himself."
Anyways, after a dramatic holiday party I was left with just this image in my head. It wasn't in the forefront of my mind until I read the emotional abuse article the friend posted. I thought of James. (My brother).
I hesitated for a moment - then I thought, "there's no harm in sending some info about this, just in case. To people you love... sometimes it's good to make sure they're looking out for themselves."
I sent the following facebook message:
"http://hps-sterling.livejournal.com/539733.html?view=1738069&style=mine#t1738069
A friend on my list posted this. Unfortunately, I thought of you.
:(
Maybe this isn't at all what's up with your situation.
But it's good to be aware of these patterns anyway. For everyone. Even if you aren't experiencing it."
I promptly forgot I sent it on Xmas morning at all (around 7AM).
We went, had our holiday get together, and went home. I went about my business.
The following day I finally notice my phone is ringing (apparently I was too relaxed in the la la land of doing my own errands I didn't hear the first 6 calls).
He had been calling me over and over and over until I finally picked up. My brother normally doesn't DO this. I pick up, all chill. He pretty much starts freaking the hell out on me. He is sounding in intense emotional distress all over again.
He informs me first off that he's upset about the link I sent him. I'm thinking about what link I sent him at all, when he says "Melissa reads my email." Well, I don't think on these terms. No one reads my email. Last person who tried to read my email was Steve. I dumped him that day. It's not that Jim can't, we just tend to give each other space. When I write email to people, I have in mind that JUST they will see it. Well, he starts wigging out in all manner of near hysterics at me. My brother is a very laid back guy. He has never spoken to me, or acted this way towards me in all my life.
I am hindered here, I don't remember AT ALL what I wrote, at this point. I apologize, I try and say, "it shouldn't be a big deal if there isn't a problem," but he is off the deep end and not listening. He says there was a problem because THAT is what I think about him and his marriage. He tells me it's my fault and I've opened up all of their problems all over again - and I say, "I won't take responsibility for that. That's not my fault." I try and say, "if someone sent that to me about me and Jim, we'd shrug it off and say thanks for caring but uh, we're fine."
I tried to tell him I had no idea what their marriage was like, that I couldn't know what it was like. That I never get to see him or her for that matter. He goes off on hoiw much he's working. He goes off on how the fertility drugs that she is taking is why she's acting wacko, that it's stressful and that they want a kid. I know all this already, I'm getting overwhelmed with the situation, I have no idea what to say anymore. I'm in shock.
I say something like, "well if it's not working then it's not working! Maybe you shouldn't have a kid" mistake, that isn't what I meant to say - I was just panicking from being verbally screamed at by my "never raise his voice" brother. I realize she is sitting right next to him. I realize SHE had to have wanted him to call me, and he was so angry that the link she found opened up her anger all over again - all her problems with the situation that had been happening exactly a week prior.
I'm at a loss. I try and inject logic, saying I was sorry - but I had no idea what else I wrote when I sent the link. I hadn't expected a fight to be born out of it, I had expected if anything for it to be shrugged off.
No, not at all. I finally hang up after saying something like, "I can't do this anymore."
I wasn't going to revoke my thoughts, I said I THOUGHT of him, I didn't say I was CERTAIN this was the case. I felt pretty lousy in general, but knew it was too late. I had sent the informational link.
If anything, I felt like this was proving the point of a problem - but wished for half a minute I hadn't sent it.
Was I being too meddlesome? Well, no one had told me any more after the argument. In my mind, information like this can help people - or it can be one of those things you're like, "k, you're over reacting about my situation." I just got to watch everyone go through it. I just got to watch his tears, watch his gut wrenching pain. He tried to tell me all relationships get rocky and that I should know because I'd been through some.
He told me his marriage was happy and great. I said "well fantastic! Then this post is pretty much null!" But he kept going on and on. ANd persisting on the phone, not letting me go.
I also didn't marry these people I had the most rocky times with. I also moved on eventually and learned that sometimes - the way people treat you emotionally that puts you at these points is really not worth it. But I didn't say that.
The intent behind sending the entry she wrote was not to break them up - to be a threat. It was to try and help him be sure he was empowered, to make sure he has the best happiness in his life. I know it's up to him, and that I have no impact over that. But the level I care for this guy is pretty deep. It breaks me up to see him so miserable. He was miserable, both weekends.
My wish for him is ultimate happiness, and empowerment. I don't care if he stays with this woman, as long as they are healthy together. If they aren't - it still has nothing to do with my directly. Big picture - who cares what anyone else thinks of your relationship? I learned that as a 19 year old dating a 47 year old. I had to let go of that stuff.
Oddly - I learned about emotional abuse most from THAT relationship.
To be noted, I took the quiz myself, I asked myself if I or Jim were doing these things to each other, before I sent the link to James also. I wanted to check in with myself. We all are human and forget that our actions aren't always what they seem. I like to be sure I'm treating and being treated the best in intimate relationships. I was accessing the info from this standpoint, viewpoint. :( I'm so dumb. Dumb dumb dumb.
I guess I won't be seeing or hearing from him for a long while. Remember the stone walling? I predict the rest of the marriage will be a stone walled thing.
Happy Holidays!
-Angela
I have not wrote a thing lately.
I took this week off and have been relaxing and exercising and just being. It's been great.
Last weekend was my immediate family's holiday party. Following that was a trip to Portland to do Jim's family party.
Christmas day was Grandma's like always.
I've been really happy lately, feeling very content.
This is a blessing and I have worked through some very narly life crap to reach this current point in my life.
I have been very social, and all that.
On our family party, my brother pretty much didn't show up because him and the wife were fighting. I've never viewed their relationship as stellar, but for the most part I say very little about it - and I respect his choice for what makes him happy in his life.
They had a hum-dinger fight on the 19th, and the following day they made up or whatever and him and his wife got to go hang out and celebrate family time with mom and dad, and not with the rest of our immediate sibs. My mom tried very hard to get the 3 of us kids back to do her own holiday gathering. She'd been really missing that.
Well, it was a pretty hum dinger like fight that made me feel pretty uncomfortable watching. She tends to be very dramatic and controlling, I won't go into talking about anything else. He accepts this and carries out his life pretty happily. Since his marriage, I rarely see him. That's been fine. I get it - we all grow and end up with our own separate lives. He works a heavy schedule in the last couple of years (he has rather).
There have been times I've felt however, that I can't get through to him - without being filtered through Melissa (the wife). She was the holder of the phone. When I'd call, no one would ever pick up. So I gave up. I stopped called about 3 years ago. She tends to hold a grudge and then stone wall people.
I'm not saying she doesn't have her positive sides, it's just that I've gotten to witness and FEEL the other side of her. IF I disagree and won't back down, she tends to shut down and then I find myself not getting allowed into their home, or even communicating with them for months. This is a true thing.
This time, I was reading an LJ-friends post on Christmas Day about emotional abuse. I wasn't thinking too heavily - I was just killing time while getting ready to leave. I remembered how miserable he had been the day of the 19th. He looked forlorn, lost, confused, and miserable. Not quite a broken man, but pushed to his absolute limits by parts of their relationship. I tried to be supportive but was obviously not in the arguement and knew little else of what was going on. I'm not in their relationship - I have no idea what most of their life LOOKS like. But I know she was calling my mom freaking out and saying she "hit a guard rail" and she needed James or she needed someone to come pick her up. She didn't hit a guardrail. She was just trying to get ANYONE to respond and pick up. He had went for a drive to the pass to try and sort his thoughts. It began to feel like manipulation, and it frankly unsettled me to watch her go from my brother - who stopped answering his phone, to my mom.
To her mom. Etc. Eventually they all said, "call 911 if there is a real problem - or go home and give the man an couple of hours to himself."
Anyways, after a dramatic holiday party I was left with just this image in my head. It wasn't in the forefront of my mind until I read the emotional abuse article the friend posted. I thought of James. (My brother).
I hesitated for a moment - then I thought, "there's no harm in sending some info about this, just in case. To people you love... sometimes it's good to make sure they're looking out for themselves."
I sent the following facebook message:
"http://hps-sterling.livejournal.com/539733.html?view=1738069&style=mine#t1738069
A friend on my list posted this. Unfortunately, I thought of you.
:(
Maybe this isn't at all what's up with your situation.
But it's good to be aware of these patterns anyway. For everyone. Even if you aren't experiencing it."
I promptly forgot I sent it on Xmas morning at all (around 7AM).
We went, had our holiday get together, and went home. I went about my business.
The following day I finally notice my phone is ringing (apparently I was too relaxed in the la la land of doing my own errands I didn't hear the first 6 calls).
He had been calling me over and over and over until I finally picked up. My brother normally doesn't DO this. I pick up, all chill. He pretty much starts freaking the hell out on me. He is sounding in intense emotional distress all over again.
He informs me first off that he's upset about the link I sent him. I'm thinking about what link I sent him at all, when he says "Melissa reads my email." Well, I don't think on these terms. No one reads my email. Last person who tried to read my email was Steve. I dumped him that day. It's not that Jim can't, we just tend to give each other space. When I write email to people, I have in mind that JUST they will see it. Well, he starts wigging out in all manner of near hysterics at me. My brother is a very laid back guy. He has never spoken to me, or acted this way towards me in all my life.
I am hindered here, I don't remember AT ALL what I wrote, at this point. I apologize, I try and say, "it shouldn't be a big deal if there isn't a problem," but he is off the deep end and not listening. He says there was a problem because THAT is what I think about him and his marriage. He tells me it's my fault and I've opened up all of their problems all over again - and I say, "I won't take responsibility for that. That's not my fault." I try and say, "if someone sent that to me about me and Jim, we'd shrug it off and say thanks for caring but uh, we're fine."
I tried to tell him I had no idea what their marriage was like, that I couldn't know what it was like. That I never get to see him or her for that matter. He goes off on hoiw much he's working. He goes off on how the fertility drugs that she is taking is why she's acting wacko, that it's stressful and that they want a kid. I know all this already, I'm getting overwhelmed with the situation, I have no idea what to say anymore. I'm in shock.
I say something like, "well if it's not working then it's not working! Maybe you shouldn't have a kid" mistake, that isn't what I meant to say - I was just panicking from being verbally screamed at by my "never raise his voice" brother. I realize she is sitting right next to him. I realize SHE had to have wanted him to call me, and he was so angry that the link she found opened up her anger all over again - all her problems with the situation that had been happening exactly a week prior.
I'm at a loss. I try and inject logic, saying I was sorry - but I had no idea what else I wrote when I sent the link. I hadn't expected a fight to be born out of it, I had expected if anything for it to be shrugged off.
No, not at all. I finally hang up after saying something like, "I can't do this anymore."
I wasn't going to revoke my thoughts, I said I THOUGHT of him, I didn't say I was CERTAIN this was the case. I felt pretty lousy in general, but knew it was too late. I had sent the informational link.
If anything, I felt like this was proving the point of a problem - but wished for half a minute I hadn't sent it.
Was I being too meddlesome? Well, no one had told me any more after the argument. In my mind, information like this can help people - or it can be one of those things you're like, "k, you're over reacting about my situation." I just got to watch everyone go through it. I just got to watch his tears, watch his gut wrenching pain. He tried to tell me all relationships get rocky and that I should know because I'd been through some.
He told me his marriage was happy and great. I said "well fantastic! Then this post is pretty much null!" But he kept going on and on. ANd persisting on the phone, not letting me go.
I also didn't marry these people I had the most rocky times with. I also moved on eventually and learned that sometimes - the way people treat you emotionally that puts you at these points is really not worth it. But I didn't say that.
The intent behind sending the entry she wrote was not to break them up - to be a threat. It was to try and help him be sure he was empowered, to make sure he has the best happiness in his life. I know it's up to him, and that I have no impact over that. But the level I care for this guy is pretty deep. It breaks me up to see him so miserable. He was miserable, both weekends.
My wish for him is ultimate happiness, and empowerment. I don't care if he stays with this woman, as long as they are healthy together. If they aren't - it still has nothing to do with my directly. Big picture - who cares what anyone else thinks of your relationship? I learned that as a 19 year old dating a 47 year old. I had to let go of that stuff.
Oddly - I learned about emotional abuse most from THAT relationship.
To be noted, I took the quiz myself, I asked myself if I or Jim were doing these things to each other, before I sent the link to James also. I wanted to check in with myself. We all are human and forget that our actions aren't always what they seem. I like to be sure I'm treating and being treated the best in intimate relationships. I was accessing the info from this standpoint, viewpoint. :( I'm so dumb. Dumb dumb dumb.
I guess I won't be seeing or hearing from him for a long while. Remember the stone walling? I predict the rest of the marriage will be a stone walled thing.
Happy Holidays!
-Angela
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no subject
Date: 2009-12-27 07:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-27 07:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-27 08:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-27 10:35 pm (UTC)Who knows, though. It's just too bad that he decided to lay the blame and anger on you. Much love and good energies to you and the whole family.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-27 11:34 pm (UTC)It'll probably take a while for him to realize that things aren't working and won't work no matter how hard he tries to make them.
I'm sorry there's so much drama and that it's so hard.
*hugs*
He'll want the help eventually
no subject
Date: 2009-12-28 03:57 am (UTC)I wonder if when you said "you thought of him" when you read that, maybe the medium (email) prevented the message from coming across as just that--it made you wonder, not you thought that was for certain what was going on. In any case, IMNSHO I think her reading his email is a huge red flag and super creepy--I am very, very close to my guys and we share just about everything with each other but we don't read each other's email without explicit permission.
If I were in an abusive situation, I would want someone to tell me, even if I got angry and didn't want to hear it. It would at least plant the seed and maybe I'd start thinking about it which would lead to me waking up and addressing it. But people choose to stay in abusive relationships, and certainly in less than perfect relationships, for lots of complicated and not *necessarily* bad reasons. Without being in the relationship you can't, as you say, know what's really going on. The fact that she seems to be trying to prevent anyone else from finding out is, to me, another classic sign of a potential abuser, since abusers make a concerted effort to cut off their partners from people in their lives who might suggest to them that there's a problem and offer them support in solving it.
But alas, as with substance addiction, people in that place often have to reach an extremely low place (as violindaine says) before they are willing to look at the situation honestly and realize there is in fact a problem and they need help or out or both. Here's hoping that in the long run, if your suspicions about their relationship are true, that your brother does realize and take appropriate steps toward his own happiness.
(((hugs)))
no subject
Date: 2009-12-28 07:28 am (UTC)*super hugs* Well, I hope your acknowledging things (not even directly) will either help him realize his situation, or let him know that in the future, he really can come to you for help.
Don't beat yourself up about it. It might have been scary, but I believe we need to speak up, even a little, when people we love are unhappy.
Love you!
no subject
Date: 2009-12-28 01:51 pm (UTC)