Because J did it, I want to!

I haven't done one of these in a long time, but as I commented on his LJ, this one is from J.

One word
- Describe me in one word... just one single word. Positive or negative.

- Leave your word in a comment before looking at what words others have used.

- Then copy and paste the meme to your journal to find out how people will describe you when limited to one word.

I wanna know, I wanna know!!!!

-Angela

Healing

A torrent of energy has been fighting inside me.
With the weather, I've been straining at the chains around my lifestyle.
I miss hiking.
I miss running.
I miss walking for the sake of walking.

When can I be normal in the knees like many others?
It's been 11 months.
Please, please – let me heal.
I've been anything but patient, but I've tried very hard to keep my life under wraps while I waited this out.
Right now I spend 90 minutes every day devoted to this cause.

The fear, sadness... it gets so great. The doctors all said the same thing. 3 months.
What is different about my condition than the average diagnosis???
I know it has improved in the last 2 months I started Bikram. But it isn't 100% yet. I will continue Bikram Yoga, but with this pretty weather and the last week of short days, I felt so nostalgic for my old hiking.
I live at the base of my favorite Mountain, my magickal link to balance.
I have used Tiger Mountain as balance for the last decade.
I'm familiar intimately in my own way with Tiger. It's a bond shared through sweat, and tears, and the bellowing of my lungs and the push of my muscles. The dripping of the water that flows through my body and makes up me. I feel like that mountain is as much a part of me as my own blood. I'll be honest and frank. I believe it. That mountain owns me.

Is it a coincidence that my long time residency has always been at it's feet?
I think not.

Few weather patterns kept me away from the trails up there...

I'm an outdoor girl.
I wasn't meant to go from Building to Building.

I'm meant to be outside, roaming, wandering, running, walking, being.
And even in my job this walking (I do a lot of walking) ... gets tiresome on the damn knees.
This broken record get-better get-worse get-better-get-worse wrecks havoc on my mentality. I am so much better than I was. If nothing else, Yoga has given me more coping ability for these things.

The last week of Yoga classes have been pretty struggled. My teachers each notice individually. They ask me what's up.

1 asked about electrolytes.
1 asked if I was going through an emotional time.
My practice shows my inner battles.

They aren't used to my struggles, as my practice apparently is normally pretty strong.
I will work through this. There is no other path for me.
And even if I only stretch 20 minutes a day, it's far better than 0 minutes a day.
But I think sitting out even one or two poses still gives me one hour of stretching a day.
Whatever the case, the stretching, heat, and strength building is doing nothing but good for my legs and my knees.

When this tendon affliction goes away, I will be stronger than I could have hoped to be through running and CT alone.

Now, please universe. I give you my deepest plea – help my body continue to heal itself. I remember what A once said to me: “Your body knows how, and wants to heal itself.”

If I say this over and over again maybe my dreams of pain-free living will be realized.
Please gods? I ask you most humbly.

-Angela

Entry trolling

It would seem I hit a mental wall about 10 days ago.
And then I began thinking my healing was doing much better.
And tonight I had a minor depressive episode.
Well shit. This is confusing.
The last fortnight has been a bit of an emotional tossup.
Trying hard not to let it all go to shit.
Finding it a struggle to stay happy.

Shoot, shoot.
My Yoga practice has been strange.
Okay, I can accept that.
I didn't go tonight - I slept through it.
Jim's observation is that whenever I sleep TOO much, my body is more likely to go into the depressive state. He says it's like it gets angry that I slept TOO much.
I've never heard of anything like this. I think my depression and sleep and diet are all related. (Okay, duh). But I am not too sure that the sleep is just a bi-product of feeling really lousy.
Let's face it - when you're really bummed, it's easier to escape through sleep.

Today I felt like I was avoiding class because it has been such a misery for me. Instead of the usual (mostly) joy. What the fuck?
Reading my last 10-days entries has me thinking my brain and heart are all over the board.
Shit, shit, shit.

Must stay patient. Jim thinks the Yoga has done nothing but good for me, I tend to agree.
We have had our most stable months in our relationship during the Yoga-months. Really.
We've been happiest and most harmonious. I'm not a fool to think it isn't related. It is. And of the two of us, I'm the trouble-maker in the relationship. You know - the moody one.

He is slightly more flexible than me sometimes. But I come close.
Regardless. Instead of being pissy, I've been able to stay calm and collected even when he irritates me. Bonus.

Now if I can only keep myself from skipping classes. Granted, maybe it's okay to take it easy this week. My head and heart are all over the board, after all. It's harder work when life is throwing me all kinds of emo-sludge.

Nothing felt cope-able tonight.
Perhaps next week will show me a little more kindness.
Jim's observation is that the emotional side of this knee trauma is far worse on me than the actual pain. He is often times correct.
The more time I spend with Jim as an integral part of my daily life, the more I find he is just what I need.

On a less angsty note; he is positive, intelligent, hilarious, adorable, kind-hearted, genuine, and at times sensual. Don't take this wrong, but of all of those things, I think sex is my lowest priority. It's not that it's not important to me. It's that sex is fleeting. And all the rest are things I need more frequently.

Sex is often superb, although occasionally I find him a tiny bit more vanilla than me. *shrugs* I'm okay with that - obviously.

The things that are more important:
He makes me laugh all the time.
And being around someone who smiles so much is really refreshing for the soul.

So, while I'm sad right now - I also realize the bounty of my fortune in life.
I have a home that I've worked hard for and love. It's our own. We've made it our own. I accept that clothes on the floor in the bedroom is not the end of the world.

I have 2 dogs that adore me and 1 waiting to become a love-source like the others.
They annoy me to no end, and yet they're so rewarding and know just when I'm at my lowest.
And then they decide to treat me accordingly, by acting as adorable as they know how.

I own a car that I really like.

More than that - I have a really solid family, and friends out there who would probably be there for me more if they knew how, or I made that more possible.

We both have jobs.
We both make enough money to make ends meet and have enough.
Our partnership is laden with straight forward, no-games or passive aggressive communication.
I love that he is a communicator. I love that Jim feels happiest dealing with problems immediately. It is he who makes me realize how long I hold onto crap sometimes before I let loose with it.

I am thankful his perspective on life is so real and so positive.
"Every day someone isn't shooting at me is a good day."
Who can argue with that?
And, once a soldier, always a soldier.

I am thankful that although I may be up 5lbs or so, I haven't gained back the weight I lost in 2007. This IS a feat, considering my 2008 situation.
Right now I appreciate my small waist, and try and ignore my hippy-ness. (As in hips).

I accept that for the most part, I'm not so bad looking. I clean up okay ;)
I am also thankful I changed my lifestyle in 2007.
I will try to remember these things as the knees scream at my soul.
They are not all consuming giant knees of doom.
They shouldn't take over my whole heart.

I am also thankful for my dishwasher. I lived years without one. I love dishwashers. I love not hand washing my dishes. I love how clean and shiny my dishes get in a dishwasher, when by hand I could never get them to be this way.

I love my silent, but present supporters.
And I appreciate my community and everything they've added to my life.
Yes, you pagans.
I adore you all.

Now, I'm really going to let go of this fear and go to Yoga class tomorrow with no judgments on myself. No judgments, no expectations. That will be my mantra. No worries that I skipped class THREE times now in one week. Wow, that is definitely a new record. So what, though.

I will be there in class tomorrow. Ready or not.
One thing I do not take for granted today, is my connection to the kindest man I've known.

-Angela

Fritz

I love this dog. He is being a complete snuggle bunny. No idea when he became such a mellow and useful little dude.

-Angela