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angelak: (Hold My Hand)
Feeling a little weird today. Restless this whole week. Things definitely feel out of sorts. I don’t feel like cleaning my house anymore. That’s unusual for me, I know maybe it’s usual for some people – but not for me. I don’t feel like getting to my requests at work – but I’ve been doing it anyway. I’ve got to clean up stuff before I leave. I’m now sitting at 3 days, and I don’t know if my brain can handle this.
This morning was weird in and of itself. Went to take the dogs out on leash, half paranoid of the crap that would soon be shooting out of Fritz because the 2 dogs both have the runs for gods’knows’what reason… I’m very unhappy about this. I didn’t get around to getting a yam and feeding it to them yesterday… this better go away or Jim is going to have a rough time, especially considering we have a house guest. “Welcome to our house – oh yeah, the fact that the dog couldn’t make it down from floor #3 with his runs, we’re sorry for the shit smell.”


I’m sure I was bound to get restless and start to feel a little crazy prior to this. I know I’ll be fine, that I’m “ready,” (who the fuck knows what ready is, you know?) How can anyone ever be ready for the unknown ;) The virgo side wants to take over and figure out reality before it even manifests itself. Maybe taking the time off from yoga was a bad idea… it usually mitigates my crazy. A good run maybe tonight and I can relax. I think it’s the only way I know how to relax: working out. Some folks need video games to zone out. Some people need recreational substance… some need a good book… (that works for me too, but that is besides the point). Me, I just need to move. Or, paradoxically, in yoga… not move. Or something.

Anyways, I was taking my dogs out and from around that same damn corner of the building near the alley (there’s always a blind spot around the end of the building) strolls a dog on a leash, but pulling his leash behind him. My dogs are doing their thing, I’m holding 2 leashes and juggling it as per usual morning business in our courtyard. Amber starts barking, but the other dog really only sees Fritz for some reason. Dog decides to start lunging towards Fritz with his hackles raised. I’m feeling ready to beat the shit out of the next dog that tries to bite mine. Because that cost us $600 last time, and is generally evil when regarding a dog in pain. Which was only 2 months ago. The owner is obviously from our building apologizes. As per usual – I’m a fucking space cadet and say “yeah no worries man.”

I guess we could say I’m still a little shell shocked from last time. Particularly that he just healed from that. High density housing is beginning to grate on me this morning. I hate your fucking huge SUV cars. Fuck your baby on board stickers. Screw your big burly dogs that like to use mine as beef jerky.
I can say we do have 2 very nice next door neighbors who never give us trouble. Mike and Christina are super Christian and have one very well behaved son. I really like their little family. Mike is as nice as I could wish for in a neighbor, and he resembles me in one quality: He’s VERY observant and nosy. I’m frankly wondering if they’ll think me and Jim split after I’m gone a few weeks ;)

The other neighbors are Hispanic and hardly ever talk to us but usually are full of smiles. They have 2 little girls and never give us any problems either.

I’m digressing.
Just not sure where my head is. Was kinda spacy feeling even last night at bowling. I think I got tired faster than usual. My reserve of bouncy energy was elsewhere. No big deal – I guess adrenaline runs high in the first week at TT.
Mildly tired of my co workers at the Quah assuming I can teach yoga here for a wellness event…
No, guys. No. Come to a Bikram studio, or no. I have chosen the Bikram path, and that path came with a 12 page contract about how I will use my certification. Therefore, no. Really, the Bikram path chose me. I understand there are other forms, and I’m not quite as cultlike as some regarding bashing other forms – I think all yoga has its value. But my path is this one. For whatever reason.
I guess I’d rather be off of work and not here dealing with… well, the same thing I’ve dealt with for 10 years. Reminding myself right now: I.Am.on.The.Threshold of renewed energy for life because I am literally walking out the door on Friday afternoon and not coming back for over two months. Impressive.

In other news, I need to lay off the Nutella. That’s probably not going to help my early training visual in the mirror if I should get lucky enough to be up front. Then again, I’m at a point: who the fuck cares anymore? I need a run bad. But right now I am just lounging back all dumb like in my office chair. I don’t feel like a yogini – I feel like a sloth like fool.
Barry comes in tonight. Well, at 3 PM…
I bet he will make me feel better. He’s just like Jim in the way that he is full of smiles and laughter and usually it’s a stress alleviator.

Anyways. Trying to remind myself it’s all about the entire journey. There’s no reason to get stressed about the experience itself, but I just feel like I’m in the tail end of gray area. That holding pattern that sort of circled me around for like 4 years… well, I’m getting instructions from ground control and they’re telling me when to land, and which run way to take. I’m in one part shock that I’m landing somewhere finally.

But it’s going to be straight to a roller coaster ride, or so I hear. *shrugs* Mantra for my future today: Don’t make it a big deal. Any of it. Sometimes I feel like a ridiculous child always making a huge deal over everything. Over thinking everything. Over everythinging. Also freaks me out that I’m young and have a myriad of blind spots… what stupid shit comes out of my mouth that I am too naive to know is telling in my life inexperience?

This is what goes through my head. But maybe I should try to STFU and let go and just let the next couple of days pass. I mean, after all. 3 days. I just want to be in LA already. I’m there. I’m at the point where I’m starting to get sick of waiting. I don’t care how little of dialogue I know. I’m tired of being distracted. Tired of not knowing what it’s going to be like being tired. Yes, read that one twice.

Staying power for patience is here. Actually I’m kinda lounging back and pretending that this is all bothering me. I love my freezing office here.

In other great news, I was able to craft my 5 gallon water filter with my Dad last night. It’s awesome. While I didn’t want to have to ship anything else, this is a must item. Rather than buy a small Brita filter pitcher… one of my fellow students created a bucket system where you use 3 filters in the bottom of a bucket and it filters three times as fast, more water. His was only a 2 gallon. Mine is actually bigger… but I will only need to fill my filter once every few days, so this might really be rad. Today I’ll FedEx it to the hotel and it will be waiting for me, just in time for Monday night. My roommate will either think I’m amazing, or crazy, as I’m using the bath-tub to fill up my 5 gallon bucket of filtered water.

One last thing… I’ll miss music while I’m away. I don’t think I will spend a lot of time with tunes. In my every day life, I listen to a lot of music……. Right now my new discovery: Ellie Goulding, “Lights.”

Unless of course I listen to it on Sunday runs, if I should decide to do that. Of course, Darci from Issaquah was mentioning maybe we’d do that together on Sundays. I’ve never had a real running partner… will I ditch my ipod and socialize for that? How does that work? :P
If I decide to still go for a run at all on Sundays. It might just be over my level of crazy. We’ll see. I’ll keep you all posted.

Oh, and to the fleas that my dogs picked up in the last 2 weeks. Fuck you. Fuck you for biting the hell out of me. I’ve treated them with FrontLine. Shouldn’t this end? I hate bites.
I think I just read some stuff on the TT FB page. This grey area may be entirely normal.
I’m already beginning to freeze at my desk. This is making me despise this place today.
But in other news: Life’s good. I’m stoked. I cannot wait for … well, all of it.

There's one thing about my blogging style. It expresses just how much I hate secrets and pretenses. You want real? I got it. I hope my fellow yogis and yoginis can handle my style of real.

Annnnd. My boss is nudging me for the personal folders copying. I'm sorry - I really just don't give a shit. I've been copying files for 3 months now. If I don't get to them all - guess what? I'm leaving anyway. Did I say that? O. I said that.

angelak: (The Past)
Awake a bit early, this morning. But a lot has been on my mind, and I felt like it was too early when Jim and I went to bed last night. (He was super tired, I was super enegetic from my 6:30 class last night). Last night I had a surprisingly strong class. I hadn't been in to the studio in more days than I preferred - so much going on outside of my yoga-sphere this September, which is frankly an unusual occurrence other than work and running. I've been awfully social in my life - but the past couple years that seemed to be a little less true. Until late August and early September! BAM, social life exploded. This isn't a bad thing. I thrive when I am social.

So, this super strong class was a shocker. I was also like, "yikes. Is this so that I can go to training with confidence, or is this so I can suddenly get there and have used up all my awesome for my teacher's at home, so I can crash in training?" ;) Well, I'll crash in training no matter what. That's not a question of if, but when. So that's good. Fail your way to success. Everyone fucks up there sooner or later, it's not designed for perfection. It's designed to make you bullet proof, not perfect.

Also was looking at the new Bikram Yoga Burien photos and checked out the website. It reminds me a lot of Annette's first studio on Burnett. There's a special place in my heart for that old studio... her new one is beautiful and large and 100 other things, but that small, cozy first studio was where it all began for me. And Burien's studio reminds me a lot of it. I also checked out the schedule; nice lookin' schedule! I let Nina (the owner) know that I loved it and that the schedule rocked. Excitingly, she mentioned that after I get back from TT, I should come out and show them what I got ;) Very exciting. I would LOVE to teach there too. Bless Nina for already wanting to give me a chance!

So 2 studios lined up for possible classes... that's not too shabby considering the initial plan is part time. I was concerned with getting classes, but I think it will be just fine. I do know I want to be able to practice and really work at this teaching bit once I get home. Use it or lose it. Especially with that sort of thing......

The weekend was pretty amazing. Lianna's birthday on Friday - Jim went away to his HS reunion... and other very pleasant things. ;) I did get an opportunity to run on Saturday when I probably should have been in the studio. But I admit the running is important to me still.
On my run I had, as usual - my best thinking moments. I decompress so much this way. I really began thinking, based off of a couple conversations on Friday night - about how I got to be where I am at. About my knee injuries, my intense depression for a period of time, and how I got through all of that - and how I got to be standing right here, right now. Maybe this is a bit heavy, but I am only grateful that in my darkest moments, I prevailed over the darkness so that I would come out on the other side. I didn't think I could be in a place of joy like I am now.

It makes me think very hard and long about the thousand tears and moments that I truly, seriously was vulnerable to being awful to myself. The edge of my mortality at times was very real. I say this and am not proud, but not ashamed either. This is part of the reason I'm on this path. If there is one person I can teach and that turns their life around... then anything, ANYTHING I go through in the next 10 weeks is worth it.
I fully believe I may not have taken the exit off the depression freeway if it weren't for this yoga.

I also know I would never, ever have tried it if I wasn't desperate like I was in December 2008 - to stop the constant day in, day out - 24/7 knee pain. To be 24 and in constant pain is a real eye opener as to what life can be like. I was running and thinking about all of this... About how it broke my heart in a thousand ways because I'd built myself up to be an athlete that I did not know existed - and been for the first time in my life 100% body confident.
The knee situation seemed to rob me of all that confidence and more. It had felt all-consuming, and I had never been in the places that I headed emotionally on top of all that physical stuff. There was a lot going on that created turmoil for me. And yet... without all of that, my levels of compassion wouldn't be what they are today - and I would certainly not be getting ready to head off on this wild journey for Bikram teacher training. The yoga showed up right after we moved to our townhouse. A pivotal time in my life, I was sick of trying to run, sick of the physical therapy that I had spent 3 months in and not gotten very far with my knee pain. When the yahoos at my first therapist's office released me telling me that "unfortunately we cannot see all of our patients through pain resolution..." I was pretty upset. I spent a lot of time and effort on this PT stuff. And here it felt it did not pay off.

So, Sammantha Gribble was reading on this very blog late November 08, and she commented suggesting a Bikram class. Desperation. Depression. Having been hair-raisingly close to taking my own life in spite of having EVERYTHING beautiful around me: I decided to try out this "yoga." I thought yoga was for pussies. I was a hardcore runner and I lifted weights - if I'd been healthy and you asked me to try out a yoga class, I'm quite sure I would have wrinkled my nose, laughed, and said, "you gotta be kidding!"
But Sammantha suggested working with a Bikram teacher, and something about the way she said it made me go research (shocking, my favorite hobby). And then I signed up for the one week unlimited pass in Renton due to their great schedule and my 10 hour workdays. BAM. I took 6 of the 7 classes in the first week, and only because I got a little sick on day 5 and accidentally slept through the class time.

I took 12 of the first 14 days that I practiced. I committed, after reading up on it - to 90 days solid effort for the sake of my knees. It wasn't about thinking Bikram was "awesome," but I admit I fell in love fast. I approached the yoga with uttermost curiosity. I became a little obsessed with, "what my next day" would look like as soon as I finished my classes for the day. My practice would then turn into a 5-7 day a week practice for almost 2 years. Within 1 week, my pain decreased by maybe half. This was a huge deal to me, after seeing little progress for like 6-7 months.

Needless to say, it was me thinking back on how if I had never been injured, I would have tested for police academy, and gotten successful numbers for sure. No doubt. I was strong as hell, and fast, and pretty amazing. I really did not know this at the time though, and failed to listen to my very awesome boyfriend too. The number of pushups I had in my back pocket... the pace of my sprints........ lordy. My nearly 6 pack... you get the picture.
But if I had continued on that path, I would not be here. The idea is very, very interesting to ponder on. I am finally starting to see that I am no less awesome than I was in late 07/early 08, in spite of having a slightly different body in many ways. Could it be that it's OK not to be quite as lean as I was? It is entirely OK>.

If we're talking strictly health - the yoga covers a lot more than just weight lifting and running could. And we're talking mental health included. Although I was in love with myself in early 2008 so that felt like less of an issue. I loved being that strong and fast and tiny. No one ever described me as tiny before in my life until that juncture - people like my awesome siblings suggested I play Rugby because I was so sturdy. Thanks guys. ;)
Digression: The path found itself to me, and it's all happening in a way that could not feel more right. And if I can open up and heal someone's life whether that is physically or mentally through this teaching - that is what I am honestly after. That is why I want to do this. I don't like the health-care field. It's made me very angry in the past. (You won't like me when I'm angry......)

I've wanted to scream and shout and throw things at doctors for not giving me any great accuracy. "Oh this will go away in a few weeks." then, "oh this will go away in a few months." then, "Oh hmm... interesting. Here's PT." INTEreSTING? We're talking about my BODY you asshole!!!!


I have to go back here and say that take 2 of physical therapy was VERY successful. And they got me back running with ease. (Thank you Balance Physical Therapy, Tiann Jefferies.) If there was a woman I could also shower gratitude on, it would be this therapist. She brought back my hope alongside the yoga.

Now I'm under the one week mark for Los Angeles. Very, very exciting. I am just profoundly grateful for being able to do this. I can't get over how amazing it is, how lucky I am, how in spite of the absurd amounts of cash I've been spending on this ... it's fell into place. (Gods, I just hope I can re-stockpile my savings again, because this drained my years old savings buffer).

Whatever, I can make more money.

Back to the gratitude part; this is something that I carry with me every day, possibly more times than I can count lately. Also hoping my friends and family aren't sick of me talking about it yet!!!! I'm just ignited with the fact my life is shifting. I WANTED IT TO SHIFT so badly since 2007. We're talking about a good solid 4 years of what often felt like a "holding pattern," sort of situation for me. No movement and all of my effort to find movement for 4 years. It was not the right time. You cannot force the right time to happen - you must Flow. I say this because I often let myself slam my head into proverbial walls on this one. IF I SLAM MY HEAD AGAINST THESE WALLS, I WILL SEE RESULTS!!! Might have been my theme for 2009 and 2010.
2011: I let go of it all. I actually entered this year frustrated because I got Plantar Fasccitis from healing my knees. What?! You say... well, I ran too fast, too far, too soon (too many hills also). *blush* Me and the hills make love sometimes. Maybe a bit too much. Can you make love too much? Well, not with people - but with hills and running coming off of a previous injury = yes.

But, because my faith was restored in my body at least, I did not get upset about the injury. Healing my knees went a long way towards my body confidence in healing (but not my body image, that was a hit that I am still recovering from).

All in all, if I have a few battles with myself realizing that "HEY YOU'RE FINE AND STRONG AND FINE AND STFU" - this is nothing compared to full blown suicidal depression. I can handle a bit of body dysmorphicness. And if I was able to work through the other stuff, it's no doubt just a matter of time before the rest falls into place too.

I'm entirely forthright in my weaknesses and scary mental issues because I think it's important for people to know that it can happen to ANYONE, for a myriad of different reasons.
And because it definitely is a driving force for my personal contribution to humanity.
So - without all that awfulness, I wouldn't be where I am today. Period. Some things really do have reasons that we cannot see in the moment always. And next week, I will try and let go and trust in the process as much as possible - knowing that each challenge and struggle may have reasons that I cannot understand while sitting in the middle of the maze. Only when I am through the maze will it make sense, but that often times means taking many wrong turns first.
So this - my friends, is my reflection for the one week mark. 6 days if you want to get technical, friends. Oh, My. Gods.

While hanging out with one of the two Jon's I saw this weekend ... I actually was so excited I wanted to scream and jump around like crazy. But that might also have been other excitement that impacted that... who knows. Oh yeah - I saw a couple of Jon friends this weekend too. Including old Jon from way back. All you close friends know who old Jon from way back is... Anyway.

OH yeah. Also, I cleaned out my old Den space in 874. It is now been re-purposed for my temple space/laundry sorting area. It was pretty screwed up before this weekend, and it was the last room in our house that was actually out of sorts. The cobalt room here needs tidied, but it is still amazing compared to the "how do I walk through Jim's room" way it was early this year and pretty much ever since I said "I won't tell you what to do with this room at all." (His messiness took over and before I knew it - I was teetering through the room trying to find a way to put my feet on open space on the floor.) This was the year I took this room over and we transformed it together. Then I swapped where our guest room was and put it in my old Temple/Library. And this weekend I took the old Den space and cleared the floor, did a LOT of laundry, some moving of stuff in there, and now it is good enough (not perfect) but good enough and has an open feel with my old pretty temple rug in the middle of it. And a place to organize my laundry. Which is important... now our top floor just has laundry issues, but this isn't exactly a public floor. And I know I will only have time to spiff up the Cobalt room and probably not the bedroom at this point... considering most of the bedroom hell is spawned by my honey. Bless his heart - he just has tidiness issues. Particularly laundry issues. We're workin' on it ;) he has made small improvements over the year and we'll continue to work on these...

Cheerio. I'll try and update more this week just to record what THE HELL is going on in my head before this !!!!

angelak: (Palm Trees)
I tied up the financial side of Teacher Training today. I know I've done a lot of writing, net-screaming, and overall self-second guessing. I know my last post was pretty much as intense as it gets for the time being, but I am choosing to believe it's so that it isn't as hard on me when I'm actually in the experience.

I'm not sure. I'm generally trying not to predict how it will go, that's pretty much as un-present as it comes. Presently, it's been rough on me. I don't feel prepared the same way I did when I first started fantasizing about TT. I remember I had a strong practice, I was focused, although I was actually still depressed. Strange! Now, my practice feels weaker. I don't feel as strong. I'm carrying extra weight comparatively.

(Yes, 10 lbs, that's it - I know, it could be gone in a flash during training for all I know).
Anyway, the money has gone. That is because for this particular experience, I'm living the motto of, "Be scared, do it anyway."

Sometimes a co worker makes off handed (half jokes) about the city and how they might just kick me to the curb since I'd be leaving for 9 weeks. Well, now is the best time. My director is retiring in August. Late August. The time has already been approved. And if they did kick me to the curb, that would mean I'd just go do Bikram teaching more rather than less. *shrugs* The off handed statements don't annoy me any less. They're playing off of my survival fear side. Seeing as Bikram teaching alone is not quite enough to pay for my mortgage. Actually, it would pay for my mortgage but no food. ;)

Anyway, Point is, I'm going. I don't know how I'll make it through this pre-training funk. I have no idea, other than just to live through it and hope I just start to really laern how to let go before I even step foot in LA. I know I need to hit the studio tonight or else. That's a good sign. I actually really want to go. I think if I go the rest of this week it will possibly quiet down my freak outs. Especially if I stay present to myself in class instead of trying to look ahead for what I will be like in 2 months. For christsake, the first time did Bikram, I made incredible gains in 2 months time. I have a whole 2 months right now, still - to do both dialogue and build my practice up a little stronger. Just because it's mid July and it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is a freight train, does not mean I don't have enough time to really do damage control. I just have to ditch this funk and forget about my weight. It's not serving me. It's drawing energy out of me. So who cares what I look like right now!? Who cares?!??!

I need to talk to myself in December and see what transpires by then!!!!
As for Jim and the house. It's not as bad as it feels. It's better than it was. We've made progress, but my energy stalled and sometimes I get frustrated that he is not the partner that will help spur me on with it. In fact, he is rather good about not always being on the games, but the fact is, sometimes I feel like choosing a gamer for a partner was the worst choice for me. It drains me even when they play part time, and his hobby should not have ANYTHING to do with me. It should be fine. But there times when I get so sick of saying things here and there while he IS gaming and being 100% ignored. He's focusing on the game.

He is so incredibly deep and intelligent, warm and loving, and other than having to work on the fact his love style is NOT touch, like mine - we're compatible. Except for this one thing that drives me insane. Video games.

Try as I might.

That's okay. Most times we actually function around this. I think when I get depleted, my negotiability on the gaming goes to zero. And I ACKNOWLEDGE that this isn't fair. The man needs his release. But truthfully, he's going to get all the release he needs between September 19-November 18th. He'll get as much gaming as he can fit in, so maybe I should discuss a little bit about in the coming weeks, us working on him and me, before we spend 9 weeks apart. I mean really....

Particularly this house. I don't want to leave it feeling angry about 874.
As for the sociability (making up more words or something).............
It's very hard to break through this. It reminds me of Mel when she tried to force me to hang out because that worked for her social anxiety issues.

For me, that doesn't work. She got super angry and called me a bad friend when I told her I didn't want to hang out in large groups. It's ok. She doesn't really qualify always as my bosom buddy. ;)
At least her wedding is going to be local.
I know, Throwing Mel in this post is TOTALLY random. But whatever. Maybe this writer's block, this communication block, is the reason I'm turning into a giant emotional wreck. Just maybe.

Anyway, living out the lesson of be scared; do it anyway - is obviously where my 2011 life is headed. So we'll see. I need structure, energy, a plan.
I'm going 100% raw next week as a way to kick myself into another gear. Not just my body, but honestly, I think my soul needs some fresh, uncooked foods to get me back aligned. There's something incredibly off. I'd do it sooner... maybe I will do it sooner. The rest of my food will keep. Maybe, just maybe I'll do a mini-raw run. I just don't want to make it high in fruits for the sole reason that I don't want my skin to break out because I over-sugared. That was what happened when I've gone raw before. Not overdoing it on the bananas, stuff like that. Jimmers is having his long Wednesday, so he's out working late.

Maybe this week is just the beginning of a shift into full gear with my life and get prepared? Particularly because Bikram has my money. Did I mention Bikram has my money?

angelak: (AngelaNov09)
My brain is being taken over by planning my huge ordeal that will be coming. I'm fortunate to have a great Mom - who understands what this is - and understands all the rough parts and is good at reminding me that it's okay, that I can do it - and that I will just take it as it comes.

I'm beginning to really get the first few paragraphs memorized of my 42 page dialogue; verbatim. It's going to be okay, I'm anxious that I won't be able to get enough of it before I leave for training in late September, but I also know that I will do my best. I shouldn't over think how hard it will be, how stressful it will be, how tired I will be, or any of those things. I just need to take it one day at a time, one paragraph at a time, and take my classes at home one class at a time.

In my yoga classes lately I've been struggling mentally. IE:
"You're a failure. You're not good enough for this. Who ever thought you were smart enough to memorize this stuff? You'll wuss out in the first week of 12 classes..." etc.

It's hard to look at myself in the mirror and realize these issues are things I will have to overcome as I grow between now and the end of November. But maybe this is a part of it, that it will be the biggest, best thing I've done for myself. I often hear teachers who went through training say it was "The best money they ever spent."

The exciting parts are fun to imagine: Living in California and having it not be cold as HECK in October... getting away from my office for the first time in 9 years and doing something not IT related. Living, thinking, breathing something ELSE for a change.

I realize I should chillax and begin to really embrace and enjoy this process, as a process, as an experience that I will be doing without regret. I would regret never progressing. Let me break this down: I've been trying to see something like this happen in my life since mid 2007. When I first dropped the weight, part of the driving force was trying to enter academy. I succeeded in dropping the weight but felt I failed to progress the other side. Well, it's been a few more years and I felt like nothing was coming through for me. And now suddenly everything is shifting and it's BEAUTIFUL! But I realized... wow, I'm almost inside, saying I'm not worthy of all this (which is BS, I know it logically) and that I'm terrified of succeeding now that the chance is before me, and that nothing is standing between me and where I want to go.

I've never been in a place like that. Usually I have taken things one step at a time and let them work themselves out. And that is happening. But this time my brain is sort of freaking out even though I know that one way or the other, I will find a way to succeed. Why do I not think I'm gorgeous and capable and talented? I think within this process is the real opportunity to let reality align with what I see through my eyes finally. Besides, I'm a huge HUGE fan of networking. So this ... is just about the best thing I could do.

Interestingly, there are still people who don't really *get* the ordeal... told one of my friends who has been my best friend since 5th grade about it today. She barely even responded as if it were a big deal. I guess I was expecting her to see my excitement about it... but I don't think there was a good way to explain it to her.

I also need to get my head in the game so I can really start blasting some dialogue into my brain... 42 pages is no joke. I don't really want to go to training with just the first one done, but that is my first goal. I also think I should throw a couple of other workouts into my mix so it's not all yoga. I ordered a couple of new yoga shorts today because I will need 12 outfits total as per other teachers have advised to have enough outfits for a week worth as people rarely have time to do laundry more than once a week.
That means I need 12 bottoms and 12 tops. (1 week of classes).

That is how busy folks are...
SO that puts me up to 5 really nice shorts and I can buy cheap tops because my boobs aren't big (thank gods!!!) and the part that matters to me being the most comfortable is my butt and thighs cuz they're bigger and it is important they're as comfy as possible ... so I go quality on the bottoms and just any bra top on top (my typical outfits).
I will be mixing in a few less awesome shorts, because I can't afford obviously to buy 12 shakti shorts

See, I guess I do shop. They're spendy but worth EVERY penny.
(The other 3 shorts I bought very incrementally over the last 2 years, and they hold up great).

Anywho. I think I've babbled enough.
My new goal is to get up before work and study my dialogue every week day for 30 mins minimum. I decided that perhaps going for a morning walk with my notecards might be a great way to get a peaceful bit of exercise in, (boost a few cals) and also get a handle on this big chunk of memorization; helping me feel more in control about my ordeal. If I can get as much as I can, I will be more free to enjoy the training experience.

Right now I am fantasizing about studying by the POOL in Cali.
I need to remind myself every chance I get that this is for ME... I should probably be writing all this in my blog and not here... but I've been quiet. ANd now you all know why. Brain running!!!!

Will be doing my best to add in more updates, it's important.

angelak: (AngelaSide08)
Powering through week, getting lots done. Today, I had fun checking all of my "deal" websites for unused vouchers. I tend to procrastinate on certain vouchers (for instance, getting my car detailed). I went through November sort of buying some great deals on LivingSocial, Groupon, and Tippr.

I have FINALLY made an appointment for one of my 2 car detailing vouchers. It will happen in just over a week, and I'm SOOOOO THRILLED! (Actually, Saturday March 12th) Classy is going to be clean and tidy inside. I am taking EVERYTHING out of the trunk, as well as inside, so that it can be as if I was driving it off a used car lot after it had been spiffed to try and trick you into thinking that a used car is really not that used ;)

Classy used to be brand new, but she has earned the title of "used," through all 85,000 miles that I've put on her. And as a tribute to paying her off, I had purchased the detailing voucher. I kept procrastinating on calling.

I have been using some of the other vouchers. Today I purchased the 2 fandango tickets for $9. Trying to get Jim to purchase one today also - so we can see movies on the cheap. I know we'll want to go to one eventually. And in a few short minutes, I will go take a quick run in the rain. It is obviously not as cold as it has been lately, so this I am grateful for. Hopefully it goes quick. After that, it sounds like Jim is in the mood for some "consumer whoring." He wants to go to Fry's and shop for stuff. I'm not sure what brought this on, but he will be looking at external drives, video cards, and possibly a netbook.

I'd like him to get a netbook so he could browse stuff (videos and facebook are his addiction when he is not gaming, and I have to admit I got him addicted to facebook, and now I hardly browse on it that often). And be in the same room as me. Who knows what he'll walk away with. But it's rare that he gets in a "Let's buy shit," mood, given his squeaky tendency regarding the cash monies. I also think we will check out laminate flooring at the home improvement store near Fry's. Or something. I've confirmed he is interested in replacing the bottom floor carpet (which is about half of our downstairs, which is about 1/6th of our entire house).

We'll see. I really want to do it. I think it would force us to fix our living room to be shiny and clean, and be a whole new look to the house. It does sound a lot more entertaining that simply going home and watchin' videos, so I'm a little excited. What else? It's the end of my workday, and it's time to hit the ground running and get that workout over with! I was proud that while I worked until just after 9:30 last night (when I started around 7:30) I still managed to circuit train. I was tempted to just go to bed and make that "day off #2" which is all I allow myself, but then I couldn't ditch Friday or Saturday. I'm confused because I accidentally switched my workout tracking Mon-Mon... and it has always been Sun-Sun. So I guess I may switch back to Sun-Sun. I've done that tracking since like 2007, so it hurts my brain to switch to Mon-Mon. I realize all of that is very confusing. Nevermind.

Also excited that my friend from Australia is coming to visit Seattle at the end of this MONTH! w00hoo!!

That was totally random.


30 day Challenge, Day 2.
angelak: (Hold My Hand)
From time to time, the path with heart isn't an easy one. It is the one you can't ignore unless you numb out your Truth, it's the path that demands the most and yields the most.

And from time to time, there's a tenderness that shines through that really does make me want to cry. But not in a sad way... Suppose they are raw feelings that are so strong that you just don't know what to do with them. And I am not talking about tears actually manifesting, but the feeling that you *could* but just don't feel like manifesting tears.
I guess there aren't words for the way I feel in moments like the one I am feeling right now. It is because they are so seldom.

I know maybe this makes no sense at all. But there it is.

angelak: (Fuck you)
Hello, LJ list. I know you've all been waiting for my latest post. Last night was wild. First off, I feel like I'm not workin' out enough, but there is a lot of other stuff going on in my life. For a solid 2 years, I can almost say I worked out to avoid dealing with the rest of my life. These days I'd rather do both. Work out AND deal with my life.

My original intention was to go home, be lazy with Jim, and eventually work out.
We got into pointless arguments.
I ended up bumping into the Mastermind weekly call - with my CGW folks. After that, they reminded me one of our fellow CGW people was putting on a webinar. His webinar was about starting your online business in 6 days. I almost jumped for the idea - I could go on and on about why or what or how. But this is really the reader's digest version of this. I was inspired - and ended up spending most of my night working on personal work projects. Problem being, they were projects and ideas I hadn't even considered prior. And suddenly I went from ZERO plans, to deadlines - to major financial decisions. This does NOT bode well for the Virgo Angela. I like to weigh, decide, perfect, get myself comfortable - and then spring into action. It's not a zero to 100mph thing for me. I DO have space now to begin working on a website to perhaps eventually launch products that include self defense informationals. If I had launched my stuff and gotten all my products together by Monday - I could seriously have had some MAJOR exposure on some major lists and serious traffic to my site. Problem being... I'm not ready for that. I don't have any quality data together, and to get it all together and build my own professional site, I would have to pretty much take my entire trip in Santa Barbara and be working.

Somehow, I didn't drop the cash on my plane ticket and the last few weeks of anticipation of enjoying my time with Sasha to *work* and stress the entire time. I made a major decision to fly out of town instead of do the usual thing - Drive down with Jim to Portland or do something else with my family.

Therefore, I've decided to stop with the breakneck stress and timeline, and do it on my time. This is the only way to be strong about this. Now, millions of visitors might have really launched me into another business state entirely, but not at the cost of what I have going on right now.

I slept crappy last night because I was mulling over business plans, cash flow, and how to get my content together. John's team would have put together my site for me with their best layout - for $300. I just got finished spending a goodly amount of cash on my phone, my plane ticket to LA, and in December - my Yoga membership is due at a spendy $500. Also - another seminar for some other work projects, I already signed up for.

Honestly, $300 more on top of that is not where I'm at right now. This other stuff I have managed to accept somehow without having a panic attack. (Somehow, it's working out, at the cost of a tiny bit of savings and the lack of car payment). So far, it's worth it.

Other than that - I've chosen to take a step back. I also want to ENJOY my life. All these work projects are great and growth geared. But I also need to stay sane. And I was beginning to see already what that would look like if I started losing it today ;) Basically, I'm really a face to face person anyway. I'll still build a site (ugh) and do some major focus on the web side... but definitely not in 6 days. Doing it in 6 days may work for some other people, particularly if they had all the web stuff handled, and some content already cranked out. But my content is all in my head because it was designed to be a workshop medium, not quite articles or products. That was something I had not even gotten to yet. And to force that issue ... probably would make me run, screaming. And not scared screaming. Unhappy screams of annoyance. That's no way to start out. At all.

Soooo, tonight I am going to lift some weights, relax, and get ready for my trip to Santa Barbara, instead of losing my mind and trying to complete work at a breakneck speed. And seriously connect with Jim in a positive way, before I head out of town. A part of me is very bummed to miss out on the Thanksgiving stuff in Portland. But a part of me is also glad to opt out of the stress. Because even if I love his family - I'm usually stressed when I go down. I'm not even sure why. Except I didn't experience that same stress with the Texas side of the family. I think it's just part of my energetic sensitivity and the level of broadcasting that happens in the Portland fam. It causes me to put up stronger shields, that eventually drain me by end-of-trip.

As for the snow. Can we see it melt already? Angela likes rain.
Also happy my bundle for my DROIDX showed up in the mail. I now have more than 1 charger to split between work and home. That was a pain in the ass. Now I can just unplug it and go, instead of constantly forgetting my damn charger in the wrong place.

So in regards to pushing too fast, too much, too soon - I flip the bird on that idea. It's time to live my life and love it. Not dread projects that I should be in love with (and typically am in love with.)

angelak: (Sing to me)
It's Monday afternoon - goody, goody.
Warning - this post is a little dark about the weather. Typically, I tell people the shut the fuck up about the weather. But here's my one thing: I don't like SNOW.

Snow has arrived in the Pacific Northwest, Seattle area. I'm not a huge fan of the snow. I don't like winter sports, I hate being frozen, I hate when I can't step out my door and run without feeling concerned I will slip and fall on my ass or break a leg.

I dislike when the roads are screwed up, people get freaky out there and freaked out, and my favorite stuff is canceled. (Read, Yoga). I get it. It's pretty. It's peaceful. It's wintry. It's introspective. Yada yada. Maybe I need to learn to slow down more. :)

So this is my piece on snow. I just like it when the snow goes away and life is more usual temperate.
I like sun, I like rain. I can do clouds, drizzly days... but get into the snow, and I become annoyed.
I wanna get in my car and drive without much ado.

Got some work done today. Was proud yesterday to have swam an hour of laps to get a non-impact workout in, intending on circuit training tonight to try and work up a sweat to stay warm in this freezing business.
Finally cross linked my entries (NOT COMMENTS) to my facebook. We'll see if I want to do that or not...

Don't have a lot to report today, but I do know the time is growing short before my trip out of town to Santa Barbara. I am stoked. Can't wait to get away from chilly Seattle. Very happy with my plans. Unfortunate aspect, the Jim-fam is used to me going down to Portland, mostly because my family hasn't made plans the past few years. We used to do a big Thanksgiving at my grandparent's house EVERY year for as long as I can remember as a kid. But then one day my grandparents started to get too old for that. And that was around the time Jim entered the picture, so I just went down with Jim for that stuff every time. I wasn't trying to set a precedence that I do the *same* thing every year for the holidays. Personally - I love the fam and all, but I also love being able to pick and choose what happens and when for my thing. And this year, my first Thanksgiving raw, and my intent to reconnect with Sasha face to face is pretty strong this year. Fortunately I know to follow the path with heart and not just do stuff because I'm obligated or others want me to. I actually didn't think twice. But then, sometimes it's best to do things without over-analyzing.

I also love that my family doesn't use guilt techniques, nor do they have an idea of obligatory holiday crap. I don't know. I just get irritated by it. To me, holidays are pretty much like any other day of the year. When I was kid, we did a lot of things for the holidays. That was special. I'll always remember those times. But now, as an adult - I just can't hold the same level of passion for them. I look forward to getting together with Jill, Jeff, my parents, and Jim for Yule this year... maybe a trip to Portland then, and I really do love Joshua Books' annual Yule party. But Thanksgiving is a holiday I could never truly understand. Let's go gorge ourselves on all the food Angela hates (turkey, stuffing, ham, I could name a few more items on the T-giving list that gross me out) ... and it's been that way since I was a little kid. For a long time, I'd choke down some turkey just to make everyone happy. You know. Drown it in gravy and bury it inside my mashed potatoes so I couldn't actually TASTE the turkey. (I grew to like Turkey as an adult more, admittedly)...
I think KFC with their mashup bowls where they shove all the stuff in a bowl like a pig's trough of food... should pay me some royalties. I thought of that idea FIRST as a kid. Choking down the Thanksgiving feast.

"You can't just eat cranberry sauce and pie!" Actually..... you can. ;)

I'll just say the best part of Thanksgiving has always been the pie for me. Pumpkin pie is my favorite. But this year I'm shaking it up a little. And I'm STOKED for it. I love being the master of my own life. I hold a high gratitude for that. And I am more than blessed with a wonderfully supportive boyfriend. Jim is really great about these sort of things.

I know I won't regret it for a minute.

angelak: (Angela Pose)
Mystery solved. I think I had been too low on calories this morning, and thus I was not generating as much as heat as per caloric energy saving measures for my body. As soon as I ate some substance = freezing issue turned into body heat regularity.

Very happy about that. So now if I feel too cold like that too long, I'm going to take a stab in the dark it has to do with calorie needs. As in, I need some right then! Sweet. Good to have that solved.
Also bought some new shoes, as I was sick of my old, not so sexy shoes I bought during the last phase of my knee injury rehabbing. Found some cool Sketchers that actually seem to compliment pain alleviation for my plantar fascitis - what little of it that is left. Exciting! So, they're super cute AND they actually seem to be more supportive than my old shoes. Perhaps it was time that I replaced them, and this could ALSO help me finish rehabbing lower body problem take 2.

Also, happily soaked my feet in an epsom salt foot bath while reading a mystery novel. Maybe I'm not at the meat-sack club with meat-sacks dancing dirty. But it feels like a pretty mellow night. Jim should be showing up any time. Or something. Not entirely sure. Hoping to circuit train with him tonight. Looking for a run on Saturday. Rotating happily through the Yoga/CT/RUN/OFF loop.

Good news about my lower body!!! And after this, I'm so not injury prone. I'm beyond that. ;)

angelak: (Mystery In You)
It's Friday, friends. I've forgotten my reading glasses at home. This is irritating!!! I've got to be honest here. I'm in the mood for dancing. I wonder if anyone wants to go out somewhere to dance... it's been ages. Maybe I should look up Elissa Emde. It seems on her facebook she is always going to some club or other. Won't be drinking any booze, seeing as I'm on a high raw stint until next Wednesday when I can add some healthy fats and nuts into my rotation :D

With no holds barred here: I'm in the mood for dirty dancing in a shitty hip hop club, frankly. Who wants to be my dance partner, eh?

I hung out with Monk last night, we met up for Yoga - the 20:30 class. Stayed out too late drinking some tea (it's sort of against the detox, but I actually say fuck that - I want my damn tea, especially in No-Fucking-Vember. (I'm seriously cold this month, and I'm not sure if it has to do with me dropping some weight lately, or the raw food, or what).

My work-list is pretty light today, therefore I am fulfilling my LJ-goals!!!!!!
I guess I have some crazy energy right now, though. It might be Friday-itus. Looks like Melissa has her birthday party tomorrow night, so I hope to channel this energy to use for the party! The exclamation points are off the hook.

In other news, in less than a week now I fly out to LA to meet up with Sasha. Stoked! Firstly – I’m freezing my ass off here this year. What is up!?!? I thought I was a Washingtonian. Where are my balls?
So, I’m looking forward to going to So Cal for a few days to escape the brrrr.
Also looking forward to hitting a Bikram studio in Santa Barbara, escorting Sasha to his first Bikram class ;) It’s always a pleasure to be in on that for people! Here’s to hoping my own class doesn’t suck too badly. Never know when that “hell” class is going to crop up.

And second off, I look forward to meeting up with connecting with Sasha. He’s super cool 
I’ve always had good experiences in California anyway. Interestingly, I will be about an hour away from some family that I’ve never met when I do go down to Santa Barbara. Doubtful that I will see them, but still. Interesting. Cousins on my Dad’s side.
I look forward to exploring a new place, also. And I love the ocean.
Aside from that, I am happy it is the weekend. Hoping to head down to hang out with my parents and Jim on Saturday or Sunday. There’s a party on Saturday night, annnd, Yoga to be done, running and walking to be done. Running seems preferable to stay warm.

The sun is shining on the chilly morning here today… it’s pretty out. I guess I just need to learn to layer more right now. What happened to that freaky kid that refused to wear coats, long pants, or long sleeves EVER, even in the dead of winter at 5AM at the metro bus stop to LWTC?
That’s ok!!!

angelak: (Camaro)
Post a picture of you, right now, no edits, no dressing up. )

Feeling a bit sick today, honestly.
Definitely not my best shot. And it is with my least favorite glasses... my cute ones I left on the plane as we were coming back to Seattle when we took our trip to Lubbock. So sad.

The other ones used to look like this:

The glasses I miss. )

angelak: (Change Stone)
An ad campaign in Scotland trying to shift perception of blame on women for rape.

Thought I'd share it, because it was interesting. And who doesn't love Scottish accents ;)

angelak: (AngelaNov09)
I bought a new desktop machine for stationary home use.

What sold me was the following:
1TB of HD.
Moderate Vid card.
Pre-Built. Maybe this makes me un-IT-like... but I enjoy not parting out my shit sometimes.


I know it is more than I wanted to spend at the moment considering very soon I'll be needing to spring for a puppy and also the coming trip to Lubbock, Texas to see Jim's dad at the end of July beginning of August for Jim's birthday. Lucky for me I'll be working concerts on the green this summer. (Fortunately...... the pay has increased since I last filmed the concert series 2 years ago - I had to stand down thanks to the knees. Which made me sad because that side job DID spice up my blahs, and buffer my bank account.)

And I have been in mild consideration of a new machine to stay on deck in the Den for probably 3 months or so. 90 day buffer period isn't so bad. Plugged this bad boy in and had it up in like 20 minutes.

I'll be installing Ubuntu on the non Windows 7 partition I create shortly.
Maybe I forgot to fill in my friends list about a few things that have been crossing my mind.

I want a new puppy. We are pretty much set on the idea of a Labrador Retriever - and of the 3 colors, Jim is most partial to the Yellows. I am more partial to... any of the 3. So this works out fantastic, because then he can feel that he had great say in the matter ;)
I've spotted a breeder with the dogs I am interested in.

Reasons for wanting a Lab?
I want something other than the pigheaded Dachshund.
I am due for a change with 14 years of Dachshund behind me.
(Yes, I've had experience with other breeds, for the record).
Looking for a running partner when it gets structurally strong enough (IE, not a puppy still forming its bone structure).
Want a big dog, friendly, intelligent, one that wants me to give it direction and training.
The breeder I will be going to is Pridezion Labradors.

No, I'm not the "let's go to the pound" and pick out your dog type. Maybe that means I'm an asshole. Actually, it's mostly because every breeder (legit breeder) experience I've had was worth it to me. As I make life long commitment to my dogs... I think it makes total sense that I would go with that. I like to know what I am getting into with all history disclosed. Dispositions can vary no matter what - and yet, I recognize STILL, breeders who know what they are doing can craft some mighty fine puppies. The notion of a grab-bag baby isn't my gig. Rescuing for the sake of rescuing is a noble enterprise. It's just not MY noble enterprise.

For a while I thought about getting a slightly older one - until Jim expressed he really wanted the puppy experience.

Not sure when the puppy will manifest, but I am going with the scheduling flow. Other stuff... just getting sleepy and not ready to write too much ;)

So - I spent a couple hundred more than I was planning. And... I'm pretty sure it's going to be worth it. (It's not like I don't have the cash for it, after all.) 90 days equates to semi-whim purchasing for me, as far as larger ticket item purchases for me. Boy, it did feel nice to stumble upon it and think, "okay. I'll do this."

Annnd so it goes.

angelak: (Can't Run from Problems)
Oh, and it is to be noted that my brother turned 30 yesterday.
I wonder if Saturn will be teaching any harsh lessons for him soon?

angelak: (Default)
Ask me anything, anonymously at http://formspring.me/Ithisia :D

Fun fun fun!

angelak: (874)
When I receive the following facebook message from one of the police who work in my city, it definitely made me smile:

"Late afternoon on patrol. I couldn't understand why so many male drivers were swerving all over the road. Then I saw you running on SR900 in shorts and tank top... ;-) "

Heh, heh.



Feb. 24th, 2010 09:37 am
angelak: (Coffee is an addiction)
Did I mention coffee is delish?
Okay, well. Consider it mentioned. It's time to go help Pam with her new Droid phone.
She wants it to get city e-mail. We'll see how that goes.
Sometimes it can be a pain in the ass.



Achy Tummy

Feb. 23rd, 2010 11:42 am
angelak: (I love my weiner)
This weekend I've had a pretty achy stomach. Jim and I sort of been feeling under the weather - but no acute illness. Just some low energy, and in my case, odd digestive/mostly gut aching.

It's irritating.

This weekend was pretty full. Beyond resting a lot because I felt blah - I took a second self defense workshop Fri/Sat/Sun. I spent most of Monday walking around Issaquah by myself, and then lounging at home watching Gilmore Girls and falling asleep.

Back to work today. Got some ideas about life in the pipe, as usual.
Feeling gross, but not gross enough to stay home. I'm not a fan of calling out sick, but I'm also not a fan of spreading crapola. Whatever this is, is just stupid.

This morning it felt like I was trying to wake myself from the dead - also. Got in an hour late. Been sitting in the office working with a tummy ache. What is this stupid crap? Blah.
Energy levels just weird, feel like I have a lot of snot/throat crud. But again - nothing that acute.

Whatever it is, it's like a combo between a super light stomach/digestive blah and a snot cold. But I don't really have a cough and it's not in my lungs.

Some action shots that the teacher took for her facebook page with our consent. )

Fun photos. Yes. Witness my "war face." I think it looks goofy. These were shots that were taken in the middle of some constant stream of repeated strikes where I was shouting... tired/war face happening. :P

I'd write more about Joanne's class, except I'm too lazy. ;)

angelak: (AngelacrazyIcon)

The weekend was pretty eventful. Went out with Jim to the Olive Garden to celebrate Valentine's day. Enjoyed company with him on Sunday - but I feel like Monday was even better. We spent a long time chilling out and generally talking. He shared some funny stuff with me and vice versa. Stuff that normal people don't talk about. ;)

Been on a trend of thinking about life shifts this year. Career thoughts. Recently receiving a 5% raise doesn't help my case, though. I could go on and on about that - so I'll just say careers are frustrating! :P

First week of February began with an awesome bang of hitting every fitness benchmark I'd set for myself.
Second week of February was pretty lousy fitness wise. I had a few days off which - is not my usual. I ate poorly also.

This week is a new week. I'm going to hit some benchmarks and eat a little more wisely. Today I kicked that off with a lunchtime jaunt. 5 miles or something. I don't even know. It was 50 minutes.
I hear after 30 to 40 minutes of running you stop running off of carbohydrates in your system and switch to fat. Interesting :)

Jim wants to work out with me more. But then he looked far too comfy when I headed out to wake up. So I decided not to. Rest, rest, rest.

No idea what else to write so this will do it. I had to make a new post after my last one...

angelak: (Angela Party Happy)
I think I've hit the most pornographic dream that I've ever had last night.
And it had nothing to do with men.

That's not usual.
Hah. I'll be.

What an odd string of dreams last night.



angelak: (Default)

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