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angelak: (Default)
Hello, Again Real World (IE, NOT FACEBOOKERS).
It’s time to talk more about things that don’t relate to work; but are much more possible because my work situation isn’t draining me. So here goes:
After being on starve diet since RadCon (we have done it annually for 3 years, I guess). And have decided that next Radcon we’re NOT doing it! But I digress.

I’m ready to get back to fitness. I was on a really great running with a small amount of yoga trend in January, but had to back off because it isn’t possible to work out on the HCG diet. It’s not.
I’ve not quite locked in a final number for the HCG diet; but at the very least I think I expedited my overall size shifting to closer to where I’m trying to be. It’s an ongoing journey for me and very much one of my major goals all the time.

A couple of years ago I wanted to go for a 10K distance in my personal goals, but after a couple of months in, almost broke up with Jim and then it stopped. It was like, that one day I didn’t get to go on that run, I stopped. I didn’t keep going.

And I didn’t really look back unfortunately. And then the job turbulence sort of started; so I was sunk on that. I did some yoga here and there and managed to stay somewhat fit; but it wasn’t my 10K benchmark. I have decided it is TIME TO GO AFTER IT! Yesssss.
I’m 12 weeks away and I am going to do it. As I said, in January I had a great consistent gym situation. I have morton’s neuroma from the last quarter in 2015 that has been healing on my left foot predominantly, but fortunately I am healed enough as of January this year to get back into running, provided one specific thing:
It’s on a treadmill and not outside. Now, that normally would upset me. But lately I’m ok with that!
It will do AMAZING for this plan I’ve found. VERY excited. I actually start it today. 3 days a week (DOABLE! Leaves room for 2 other things on my list – YOGA, and a hopefully an adult hip hop class, on top of Ignition practice.)
So you see, I’ve got some off work goals!!!!

Today starts week 1 of the 10K program. I figure it’s ok to start slower than I need because I have a terrible habit of going too much too hard too fast too soon on any of these things. My brain is FAR too committed and goes more than my body would prefer. Thanks, Type A attitude! UGH.
SO, I’ve decided while the slower approach is less than I was doing in January, it’s going to be perfect to self limit my body and keep me working up to it in a safe fashion. Way to be mature, Angela! Woohoo!

It’s also good for my foot healing. So I understand. ALSO, patience is a virtue. I’d love to just ease in and not force shit. I know it’s the Way. The Way to success!!! Yessss!

SO, Today is day 1 of week 1. VERY HAPPY.
The overall plan is going to look like this weekly (with adjustments depending on life, rescheduling, rather than bailing).

Sunday: Long Runs
Monday: Yoga after work
Tuesday: Hip Hop class (once I get registered! To be continued…)
Wednesday: Regular Run
Thursday: Ignition practice
Friday: Regular Run or off
Saturday: Regular Run of off

I’m a member of 24 hour fitness, and wonder if I should switch to Gold’s because there is one in my office building and also gyms in Issaquah and Redmond, but I haven’t made that jump. It’d be way easy to do lunchtime runs any day of the week including those that there are other things happening on. Unfortunately I’m not a morning person, I’ve done it off and on over the years with limited success. I can do it, but I usually just love sleeping. It’s true. I’m a sleeper.

As for hip hop classes: Ignition has been going through some crazy times as of late. I’ll elaborate eventually, needless to say I’m not on the “bailing towel thrown” camp, since there are 2 camps right now. We had a successful, energizing, focused practice last week without the folks who have “stepped down, kinda”

More on that in future posts. That said, I’m looking to level up on performing and dancing. So what can I do? Take a class. We’ll see. Jim is interested!!! That’s amazing. And Sean is likely interested also. So we’ll see. I’d like it because it would afford me and Jim something to DO together that isn’t at home and also level up our time spent together, as it is – the way our schedules have been have been have meant a lot less than other times in our life. It was OK when he was head deep in college, but I think now that he’s done with that program, he’s sort of seeing a gap in his life and noticing it more. It is possible he’s interested in joining the safety team for Ignition, we’ll see. I’m encouraging him to get out and be focused on something other than video games (and working on his work with video games) and such. He had a bad run of a new girlfriend who sorta crushed him recently and he realizes maybe there’s some other place to put his energy. I’d love to see that.
Aside from that, there’s a little snippet of the “other” stuff!

angelak: (Default)
Here's a breakdown that I think is helpful to folks who haven't mentally envisioned what it's like to be non monogamous in a not-deceiving fashion.

Imagine for a moment you have the following 2 situations:

1: You have 2 children.

2: You have 2 parents (with whom you get along and had a mostly healthy relationship with).

Situation #1:
You have a daughter and a son. They're completely different people. Having one child would never prevent you from loving the second child. Your interactions with the two children are entirely different, but you feel the same levels of caring and love. Their personalities are different from each other, they have different strengths and weaknesses, preferences and dislikes. Even your wife or husband has a different connection with the children. In fact, having these kids doesn't withdraw your love from your spouse for that matter, or the other child. You do, however - have to manage your time differently surrounding extra personal connections with these fellow humans, your offspring. You also connect totally differently based off of who you are, and who they are. You structure your life based off of what people exist in it, this includes kids.
Much is the same in regards to adding relationships that are possibly more than friendships.

Situation #2:
You have two parents. You do not love your mother or father more than the other. Or do you? Would you ever socially say as much? Probably not if you did. (This supposes you have a relatively healthy connection to both of them). You may have a preference for one, or perhaps you like your Mom in some situations better than your Dad. Or vice versa. They fulfill different roles possibly. Maybe they do fulfill different roles, or maybe not. This happens with partners too, if you have more than one. Preference for differing roles does in fact happen, but it isn't to say you necessarily have a "favorite." And if you did, you'd be a total jackass who didn't deserve either/any partners, because bringing that to light is truly an asshole move. In my not so humble opinion.

To move on to a third example for aid in understanding this - one could say you have no limit to the number of friends you have. Everyone's friend circle differs a bit, including the severity of each friendship. Perhaps you have a personal preference also on how many and how close they are, but that doesn't mean because you have ONE friend, you stop connecting with others and refuse more friendships. This is similar to how poly folks view relationships.

Polyamory differs often from swinging. Swinging is purely a physical thing most often, where polyamory most often is based off of emotional connections that may also have physical aspects like a "regular romantic relationship." (Commonly accepted mainstream vision.) It may not, though. Some do have more casual physical encounters than others. It really depends on the individual who practices the open relationship lifestyle. Configurations differ in as many ways as you can imagine.

This also brings up other considerations. The idea that someone is poly and wants endless partners is pretty inaccurate. Just as some people choose to have 1 or 2 kids, or maybe others are OK with 5... but most people aren't OK with 5... the same is true of poly partners.

I do not like to have more than 3 people who I date and schedule as romantic connections in my orbit at once. Mostly because I also like to have friends without romance too!!!! And jobs and other family members.

3 is too many as far as I am concerned depending on the levels of the relationships. Which is my biggest conflict right now. I have two "primary" type men in my life. This is a lot. I stopped seeing my other guy not because we broke up - but because I met a second "primary" type connection. We're still open to connect if we get the chance; he consequently took another lover because I became a bit more scarce. It wasn't a bad thing. That or he just likes lotsa ladies. And the ladies like him ;)

MY definition of Primary partner is as follows:
The kind of person you basically live with and make major life decisions with, is what I call a primary.

There are what some call "secondaries," which is not to say they are less important, but they play a different role in ones' life. Some people actually reject these categories because they feel it reduces people to being less important than others. I just need classifications sometimes; but not to raise someone above others. I also try not to do this to my friends, either. But I do have a couple of people that I call my "best friend."
Back the idea of a secondary partner: Maybe you only see them once a week or once a month. You probably don't make your financial decisions or living arrangements different for these secondary kind of boyfriends or girlfriends.

The other thing is that EVERYONE runs it a little differently. That's true of monogamous people, but you'd never know because no one ever talks about how each monogamous relationship is different.

Speaking of this - with Jim, I often found him looking for potential partners with folks who were not already poly. I tried to coach him into the idea that he must search in the right places. For one because you get a shit ton of rejection if you don't seek out already poly folks.
Also because it is, as I see it - mostly unwise and searching for failure to look for single people who are monogamy minded. Not cool for them and not cool for you. I am entirely uninterested in men, for instance, who are married monogamously. There are often people who worry when they hear about poly that these folks are freaks with no rules or no regard for respecting anyone. I really am only interested in people who are honest, and who also want to have this lifestyle for themselves. Which includes total transparency.

The notion that poly folks have no regard or rules? It could pretty much not be further from the truth. The notion that I'd ever be interested in a cheating spouse. YUCK. (I've had women think that simply because I was poly, I wanted to "Steal" their boyfriend or husband. No, thank you. People are SERIOUSLY not objects or property to be owned by me anyway.

That said, a poly relationship does not operate that differently than any other. It would be unacceptable and disrespectful to evade conflict with one partner by going to the other partner. Possibly even abusive. These scenarios may happen with some people (Just as monogamous people do terrible things to some of their partners). The question was posed to me if I am angry at one man, do I rush off to the other one. This does not solve a problem that arises between me and the first guy. That's not a very kind way to treat a partner. Someone that you love and care for. That's pretty rude, and what I see as somewhat abusive. If you cannot confront conflict in one relationship, this relationship is headed for ultimate doom eventually. It will not turn out well. You are probably not ready for more than one relationship, or maybe you need to do work on yourself before you even have a single, solitary, monogamous partner. These are bad ways to treat anyone in any relationship configuration.

Given that I was with my boyfriend for years before I had other partners, I definitely did not develop the habit of being a jerk to him when we had problems. Personally, I try a lot harder in a poly environment to be kind and gentle with my partners than I do in monogamy. I have in fact done both relationship setups, and I can be either poly or mono. Some people cannot be poly, others cannot successfully be monogamous. It's true. We're all different. The biggest thing I found fascinating upon learning about polyamory is that there was a default setting; but also options BEYOND the commonly accepted and assumed monogamy model. I HAD NO IDEA. And the big thing is the knowledge to choose what works for you, rather than accept blindly what everyone says you must do.

To go back to what I was saying prior:
I work really hard to be fair, to hear people out, to communicate, and not to squash and crush someone's heart and feelings. My feelings of love create the urge to do right by these people. Even in moments of stress and difficulty. Especially in those moments.

​People that you have around in your life, it is best to treat them well. Like your children, friends, or parents. Family members. My polyamorous partners are my family.

Some people fail at treating others well. Some people don't fail at that. This logic transfers over. Some people are amazing to their wives and husbands. Some are not. I'm a pretty loyal person. I operate off of as much compassion as I can. I worry a lot about how someone feels, what my actions do to the emotions of others. I think about it a lot more than I wish I did at times. ​How you handle poly interactions, communications, changeovers, plans, guidelines and rules, committing to following through with what you've agreed with between everyone - that all has direct consequence. Sometimes the consequences are quicker and more ugly or more beautiful in poly setups. I have worked a lot and observed and trial/error'd a lot of this. I still worry I will botch it up. Sometimes I do. I try and understand when my partners make mistakes, that I must be forgiving for the same reason that I cannot be perfect either.

This is basically how I view polyamory in my life.


I have a calendar. There are basically days I spend in one house and days I spend in the other house. It is difficult at times. But we do this to children when folks divorce, so how bad can it be for an adult? In fact, I understand the challenges of what children of divorcees must feel. Sometimes it's totally fine. Other times it really, really sucks.

As far as being out about polyamory. Some people I'm ok with sharing. Other times I want to appear normal like everyone else. Nothing in my life has run as it tends to for mainstream people. There are moments I like to pretend, just for a little while, that nothing is weird/abnormal/constantly questioned, or worse - judged negatively, and invalidated.

The last concept I feel inclined to address about this is the concept that if you are dating more than one person, that you are not truly committed.
I'd like to say if that if someone has love for someone else, and that breaks your commitment - this is in my eyes, a different level of commitment. The actuality of my husband or boyfriend being in love with another man or woman and NOT breaking my union or relationship ACTUALLY expresses a different kind of commitment. To remain together and appreciate that they value someone else as well as you, IS commitment too. Commonly accepted cultural views say that being "exclusive" is the only way to have commitment. This is wrong. I commit to loving my men regardless of who else they may fall in love with and become physical with - provided we follow guidelines and agreements that we've come to. Because if you break guidelines and agreements, this qualifies as cheating - whether you are monogamous, or polyamorous. If you can support somebody connecting with others and still have a strong, loving relationship - I argue directly that this has nothing to do with lacking commitment, but rather just the opposite.

And when I am in poly places, it feels good to know I am not alone, that I am not a freak, and that my problems and struggles are normal too. To feel understood. There are times that being misunderstood about my open relationships is frustrating. Especially if they're wildly inaccurate, or terribly unfair notions, that may make me appear to be anything less than what I really am.

angelak: (MakeMeStrong)
I used to always write them up in MS Word first, but it seems that's creating resistance as to getting back into my LJ flow here. So I'm going straight to the LJ browser and going to hit this LJ stuff again! I'm tired of my forgetful nature and if I don't journal, I literally will have a harder time remembering what was going through my head when I look back. 2013 I want to get serious again about LJ. I know some of you are still out there. And if you're not... I write to myself. This is a public, but I think my privacy friends locked posts will become more ubiquitous. there's a lot of stuff that I see happening in the next 12 months, and some of it isn't going to be stuff I want the entire world to read about.

Quick 2012 RunDown. )

2013 arrives.

angelak: (MakeMeStrong)
The warmth of the sun shines through my office window, and I peer through it from beneath my glasses. It warms me. It’s the Winter Solstice, my favorite holiday to celebrate in a lot of ways. It’s a harsh journey to get here, to get to this day. The longest night of the year, the light waning and it feels so chilly. The clouds so grey and dull, blanketing my Seattle area world like a warm knitted scarf.
All year long I watched the wheel of the year turn, slowly, quickly, simultaneously. Life really has been something else this year. I don’t really say that every year. I had several years where life was not so exciting. Not so pivotal. Suddenly I understand the worth of those years. The worth that I thought was nothing but a source of frustration, was beyond measure and I would only come to see that now. When the converse is happening.

Change. It’s happening all over the place, it probably always is. But the last quarter of this year it has been anything but subtle for me. I started out the end of 2011 beginning my Bikram Yoga Teaching Journey. All caps to each word. I don’t even know what to say about this journey. Littered with joy and heart break. Littered with growth and things I have yet to understand about why and how it is done, what this process truly is.
I started 2012 without any clue of what was awaiting me. Friendships changed. My Grandma’s End Times started early in the year. My brother came back to the family and is finishing up the year divorcing the woman who separated him from the family. Grandma brought him back, as her last major deed, into the family again.

Court, a family divide and drama – bad people, good people. Elder abuse over the sake of money.

Walking through that door finding grandma in a state that none of us will ever forget.
That day after I taught a class Renton, we all met up for a well fare check. Ambulance ride to the hospital. I would put words to this, but I don’t think you all really need to know the nasty details. She was okay – kind of. She was never the same.
She was going to die, but that was not how it was supposed to be. Not in neglect and horror. And she didn’t die. Hardy woman. Worse yet - that Grandpa saw his wife of 60 years in this state and felt helpless to it. There no words for this kind of tragedy. But it passed, it was seen in 2012, it happened. And she recovered for a while. We kept her safe, we pulled some magic with Jill and Jeff and the court house and ingenuity and desperation to protect those who needed protection. The nasty rotting filth that found its way into the family, wormed its way into our close knit, beautiful family… well, it was dealt with. Money I had intended on going towards TT debt repayment, along with money from the Marysville people… went towards fighting this nasty, dreadful cause. Them more than me, but I did what I could.
More my time an energy would soon be drawn towards being the one that the responsibility of management of those once-stolen funds would fall into my lap. Ready or not, It was Me.

And Grandma died.
At the right time.
She was amazing until the very end. And I got to say everything - everything I wanted to say to her, before she went.
She knew what I was saying. Felt it, returned it.

"I love you more than you know," she said. An absurd woman at times, she was a gift of a human, deeply generous, spirited, beautiful. Impossible to forget her Essence, her Energy, her Love.
And this Samhain I was too busy to honor my Sacred Dead. And yet - it's better to honor them all year long, isn't it?

And then...
Being a new teacher of Bikram Yoga isn’t a picnic. Juggling it on the side of my 40 hour work week and everything else…

Whatever the case, I knew I wanted to be involved in Rite of Sol. I made it my goal. Even if I mopped the floors instead of partied on the cast. I didn’t care. I wanted to be involved this time. I sought the best person ever for my audition, Amanda. And she pulled my talent straight out of me and we made an audition. Bless her heart.
They put me on the cast. And began my journey into change. More change. The family settled. I continued to teach. I found different studios and continued to teach. My practice waned. I built a relationship with my cast mates in Rite of Sol. The Sun Shone on me. Every week I was in love with the work, but scared and unsure of myself. Always scared and unsure of me.

Regardless, I worked and learned on that show with the people who had done it before, and some of those who have not. I met new people and fell deeply fond of them.

And then we performed in the show and it was an experience that I never had before. I would go into all of it, I really would… but there’s not enough time to do that just yet. And for that period of time those people were my special family. On stage, back stage. We shared so much. Magic.
And after the show, my life was never the same. An exhausting endeavor as I took no time off work and spent the week of tech week in the theater until 10pm every day. Then the show. Then after the show, I had no lag between a double schedule of teaching.
The following 3 weeks nearly killed me. I had an ongoing cold that had caught me pretty much after August and continued through the end November. In December, finally my body fought it off. It made teaching and working and living and sorting my life so hard and draining. Coughing constantly. Stuff in my throat. And early on, losing my voice.
I didn’t feel like myself with the weird cold morphing and morphing and not getting any better.
My men had it before me, but it did seem to linger and pass along to the cast from all over. Who knows.
Goodness only knows. I had a system, a life, it worked. And then the show happened.

I wish I could write more, but perhaps not publicly, about what changed. What’s happening? But suffice to say; step by step I let life open itself up. Moment by moment I live. I just know nothing will ever be the same in my life and I am beginning to accept that change doesn't have to be a bad thing. It can be in and of itself for the best even if it means a little bud into bloom pain.

The things we aren’t looking for, are the ones we need? I wasn't looking for you, MSH.
I will write about 2013 and my focus in another post. For now I will simply say I have one philosophy, outside of BALANCE – that I intend to employ for the beginning of 2013:

• I love you.
• I'm sorry.
• Please forgive me.
• Thank you.


What's New

Aug. 20th, 2012 10:55 am
angelak: (Visualize)
It has been a long while since I had an opportunity to write in my livejournal. It has been dormant. A lot has been happening. So much unrecorded, but in truth I can remember all of it right now. It’s later on when the months pass that I will forget the things I no longer wrote it the LJ land. Since I last posted, I have been cast in Rite of Sol, I have become a sub teacher instead of a regular teacher at my home studio and a regular teacher at Bikram Yoga Redmond, as well as Bikram Yoga Kirkland.

My Grandma died, I am still managing my Grandpa’s funds, we as a family are also taking care of Grandpa, making sure he is doing okay. This is a challenge in and of itself.
I am happily engaged in the polyamorous lifestyle. Every minute seems filled with abundance at this point. Sometimes this is the biggest bliss point ever – and other times a plate or two that I am spinning starts to tip over and I falter. The biggest challenge at the moment is to get the YOGA for myself. I went through a phase where I didn’t teach very much for a brief month, and then it came slamming back with a vengeance. Alongside my city job, all of this does take some managing. Especially given the fact I am involved with three different studios on the eastside, among other things.
The word abundance really captures how I feel. The gratitude I feel every day for the people who I am directly involved with regularly, and the studios I “work” in. Teaching Yoga is a blessing and something that while I sacrifice my own practice at times, is entirely worth the struggles I have endured to get to where I am today. I am becoming a stronger teacher, and continue to aspire to the best verbatim Dialogue that I know how. My brother is back in the orbit of the family, and we are grateful for his presence in our family again after his isolation and soon to be ex-wife situation. We are happy. It is apparent that HE is happy, too. Recently being hit with a strange virus that claimed his voice TEMPORARILY… well, he’s struggling through that.

James is a rare gift of a person. I think that is why it bothered me so much when he was no longer a part of my life, in major part due to the spite of one woman. The good news is that while Grandma’s story was ending, she brought James back into the family as she left mortality. Both of them are very important people to the family.

I am learning a lot about the family at this juncture in time, and have been all of 2012. My role has been harried to say the least.
And the rest of 2012 is going to see a lot more Yoga teaching for me – I look forward to sharing the yoga with people all over the place, and transforming my teaching more and more and more and more.

There’s nowhere else to go, here – but up. And the people who I am able to see are so very special to me! I have the most beautiful circle of friends. While I wish I had more time for things and was further at my Deacon memorization, I also realize I have limitations. And a whole life time. We’ll see what I can do. I was starting to make progress in April, and since then life has been a whirlwind.

Needless to say, Life is Quite amazing for me right now.
I work hard. I rest just enough. I need more yoga, but I am working on that constant balance of teaching and taking and living and loving! And I am more than thrilled to be a part of the cast of Rite of Sol this year. This is something I wanted to be a part of for years.

And choosing to take care of myself first - and consciously acknowledging the people that will harbor a giving and receiving nature within friendships, relationships. Particularly in the times I needed it most. Because my energy reserves waned when some serious things were going on with the family.

And all the good stuff? Well. I worked for all of that. I'm not going to lie. Product of hard work, blood, sweat, and yes - tears!

So here it is!!!!
Growth experiences abound.

angelak: (Lauren Graham Perturbed)
4 days to go. )
angelak: (Girl needs a boy)
It’s a good day for an LJ post. What contrasting weekends, this weekend and last! Last weekend I was peppered with Seattle-events, my sweet and dear new friend from Australia, (we’ve only known each other since CGW5) but none the less.
This weekend was special in 2 ways already. I hadn’t seen Mom in a couple of weeks, which was feeling weird this time around because we’d seen TONS of each other for a couple of weeks prior (particularly with Amber being a puppy and Classy the car needing trips to the mechanic.) AND, Amanda got married.

Long Updating. )

angelak: (Angela Pose)
Forgive me for my buff user-icon. I just finished circuit training for the evening, and it's inspiring that I am already training my latest cheerleader: Amber. Rufus was the one who started the tradition of Dachshund-cheerleader during my circuit training sessions. Oddly, he was the head cheer leader, and Fritz didn't take much notice of me.

Until Rufus passed away... and then he immediately sat in the same place Rufus had learned to sit (I got too anxious when Rufus would get too close to my free-weight military press moments, especially in the beginning when I was starting with the 20-25lbs in each hand, by the end of circuits at that time, I was beginning to hit muscle fatigue after my 4th set in the last few minutes. I made Rufus stay further away for fear that one day I'd drop a 25lb weight on his head!!!

So he learned that he had to stay a little further away and watch. Today, for the first time I CT'd with Amber in the room. She doesn't like to jump off the bed that is in the guest room - which is now, by the way, our old bed from our bedroom instead of an air bed. No box spring, but it is a real mattress now. She feels she cannot jump, even from one layer of mattress. So while I did my military press and leg kicks, (I have no idea what they are really called) - I moved her there. When I was doing my situps and pushups she made me nervous because my bare flesh was exposed (I wear shorts and a bra top because CT really cranks out the heat when I do it).

Today I upped my squats and lunges to the 12# weights on each side (I guess that makes them squats and lunges with 24lbs, but when I started CT'ing, I never even tried to figure out what I was doing exactly. It doesn't particularly matter to me).

I tried to leave her down for pushup/situps, but during my pushups she walked under my belly and each time I dropped down into a pushup, she would get crushed under me against the floor. Seemed risky. Then with the situps, she tried to crawl under my armpit and into my lap. Awkward...

During leg kicks, Amber decided she hated it and was barking at me. Now, leg kicks are kind of a bitch for whatever reason...... it doesn't help with a tiny Dachshund freaking out :P
Needless to say, by the end of my 4 circuits, she had fallen fast asleep on the bed. During my last pushup and situp set, she decided to stare at me, and it did remind me of the old Ru. Fritz still park-took in cheerleading. If I can get her to understand exactly where to sit to get in on the fun without getting irritating, this will be awesome :)

It all started by accident with Rufus, and now has become something I really enjoy about training at home. My dogs treat it and act like it's a special treat where we all hang out and watch the human do weird things... (jumping jacks anyone?) Amber seemed perplexed at why I'd be doing those.

Needless to say that my workout is done for the day, and it flew by because I was sort of managing a puppy. She didn't really slow me down. I took to setting her on the bed and deciding that her place was there, no matter how many barky tantrums she was going to throw at me ;)

Time for a shower, and then I want to head to Target to look for tension rods and Jim. I'll be driving to Marysville tonight, to get my check engine light turned off with Justin. Blargity. Needless to say, the work day has been work-packed, with a lot of productivity going on. I'd write more about work, but this is a public entry. So I'll leave it for another day. Needless to say that life right now is taking a definite turn for the better, and I know it has to do with some very specific mental shifts I've gone through in the last 2 months. While I thought I was lagging behind those who were close to me through their morphing, it occurs to me that point where I felt left behind, I might have just been on a non-comparable place in my path. When I came home, I walked through my house and realized that while it has a few things to tidy up for my Australian house guest and dear friend (Joel from CGW5), it really isn't the "MEGA SESSION" I thought I was going to need. It appears that the slow, small, gradual accumulation of constant tiny pieces of work are adding up in record amounts. My life in all areas feels like this is true. While I have not done any major sprints with self improvement, I have done a gradual marathon of things here and there, particularly a constant "let go and accept" concept - that has added up into something that has me finding day to day joy from morning until night. While I don't have any expectations on what this looks like every day, it is like not having those "joy looks like this" expectation has brought me a deeper sense of inner peace.

While I had to back off of social engagements and really let my life transform itself, it seems I needed to fill myself with energy first, before continually handing out energy to others.
All in all, I can't complain. I've only gratitude to myself for all the steps, the tiny steps, it took to get me here.

I am SO excited for a pendant that is coming in the mail that I bought off Ebay. Mom's fault. ;)
It's a teardrop Amber chunk, that has a Amethyst setting on the top.

Thanks to Jim and the tiny dog, I might start taking over the not-stone of Amber for my jewelry collections! I suppose it was something I had never considered as a property/item I would want to wear, but suddenly I'm drawn to it. And without Mom's ebay-istic tendencies, I would never have thought of it either.

AT first I was hesitant for Amber and her name, but it is becoming clear that the name is perfect, and cute... need I say, I think it fits her. It is already clear she's the right dog for our household. Jim is already smitten with her, and I see that Fritz is getting there. ;) It does also give me a lot of joy to see them play, because I know it's an element that even with Rufus, he never had. Rufus tolerated a few meager play sessions, but the 8+ year old Rufus wasn't interested in long, frequent play sessions, and Fritz definitely loves to play. (Rufus was 8 when Fritz came about).

Fritz at 7 is energetic and truly a good playmate to the tiny Amber already. While I wanted a lab puppy, it amazed me with how hard it was to find one. Until I bought Amber, and last weekend I was at Mom and Dad's place. On their street corner someone was selling lab puppies. I had spent MONTHS looking for a damn lab, persistently calling top breeder's in the area, only to have my phone calls never returned. The notion that I was refusing to "force" it to happen, I gave up.
And BAM. At the right time, Amber appeared. The following week or two later, the Lab puppies are being sold on the damn street corner. It would seem it was not meant to be. It makes me grateful for the fact I did not force it. Once again I am shown the lesson that the right thing is what is most simple, and feels the best. While in some cases there is no such thing as "simple," but there is such a thing as "most simple of all the options."

And in this sense, Amber was yet one more beautiful example of how I am trying to lead my life right now. I am confident that we are raising a puppy that will make it easier as the one and only, handsome, special Fritz continues to age. Since Rufus has crossed the veil - the bond between Jim, Fritz, and myself got stronger. There is no sense of taking life for granted around here. It isn't that we did before. It's that we grew to appreciate in a new way. And this house is bursting with Spring energy, since bringing Amber home. She has definitely helped moved the energy flow of our household. What a beautiful Ostara surprise. My deep gratitude to the Spring deity, Ostara. I sense that my life is fertile with coming expansion. I'm freed of expectation of exactly what... and enjoying every moment of it.

It awakens my pagan side and makes me realize I should offer Ostara some honor this month, before March is spent.


Today, I honor Ostara. )
angelak: (Mystery In You)
Given the fact that Jim's tires on his Front Wheel Drive car are pretty much bald, and the 3-4 inches of snow that we got here in our neighborhood, we decided that he had two options. Call out - or get a ride from me down the hill in my AWD Subaru, the one that just got new tires.

I found myself clambering out of bed at 5AMish, (in spite of his strong inclination to call out) which resulted in... Jim to arrive at his place of employment pretty much on time. And I think maybe I should brush my teeth and hit the gym, instead of wasting the fact that I'm awake on going back to sleep. Just maybe. Tempting to go run in the snow because I've never done that, but I'm not sure that's my idea of an awesome morning? It might not go as easily as I'd wish. However, there's something very tempting about the adventure and the challenge. I just don't want to land on my ass somewhere on the sidewalk. That would suck. My other alternative is the treadmill. Or should I say, Dreadmill. Do I really want to hit the dreadmill? These are the hard questions I face. And I don't have much time to make up my mind.

I guess I will just go to the warm gym. It's smarter. And warmer.
Wait. Let me take this back. This is going to sound silly, but I let my hair dry last night so I could flat iron it today...
Crap. Maybe I will hit the gym AFTER work. Hm. This is too difficult. ;) I would apologize, but this is my journal, so no apologies are needed: for the goofy, early morning, stream of consciousness for the day.
Hell. I can flat iron it tomorrow.
At least there's one thing: my car is already cleared off for my commute in.
And another early morning notion: If I had an Airline company, I'd call it Angela Airlines.
I'm just saying.

angelak: (Break my heart)
It's been quite the day. Tension between me and Jim has me losing my mind, sometimes. I feel like in the evenings, when I expect we'll spend some quality time together and relax, we end up arguing lately. And arguing about the most ridiculous stuff. Is it me? It is him? Is it both of us? I wish I could pinpoint what is up. Sometimes, it seems that it's me. It's my patience, it's my level of annoyance at the way things are.

It's the housework, it's the way we communicate. Why are we both on the defense? The more defensive he gets, the less receptive I get. And yet I'm not exactly free of guilt from defensiveness. The big deal was that I had intended for Jim and I to really connect before I fly off to California. Particularly seeing as I'm about to see someone I have a bit of NRE with. Tonight he drives down to Portland after he gets off work. Apparently we will "see each other a bit," before he goes, but ultimately, I don't see that as the same as what we had an opportunity to do last night. We ended up going to bed in a state of irritation. Or was that just me?

The frustration continued as I headed off to work this morning. This morning, I really did feel like my heart was breaking. I have a lot of great stuff spinning around in my atmosphere, but with those shifting energies, comes transition. And that isn't always nice and pretty. I know he and I are morphing right now, and most likely into something better and stronger. But at the same time, it doesn't feel like that while I am in the midst of this.

Regardless, I'm heading out on a 5:35PM flight tomorrow to LA, and I'm going to chillax.
All my problems will be here for me when I return, I don't need to concern myself with solving them 920 miles away. ;)

And of course, because I may or may not have time to write these out, I'm going to do this today, right now - because it's important. The things I have such gratitude for:

+ My Lone Dachshund. (Fritz)
+ All the wonderful memories I share with Jim, and our ability to share every aspect of each other to each other.
+ All of the future memories I intend to be sharing with Jim also. I think it's time we did something special for each other soon. Very soon.
+ Abundance financially, enough to do what I want to do, more where that comes from!!!
+ Technology and the ability to connect with people all over, even if it isn't as good as face time.
+ My car and my skill to drive it so far ;)
+ The many friends who help me stay in vibration with moving forward with life <3
+ Traveling, keeping me fresh and energized
+ World friends, keeping my World bigger than the US.
+ New paths
+ Old friends, perspective, long conversations and warmth
+ Time off from work to live out other parts of life
+ Ambition, ideas, focus, drive, motivation
+ Running
+ Yoga
+ Raw foods, keeping me alive, alert, and enthusiastic and happy
+ Mental sanity. Depression is a short chapter in an otherwise bright book
+ My parents ;)
+ The comfort of my home
+ That it doesn't snow year round in Issaquah
+ That I can provide value to those around me
+ My outgoing nature - my ability to connect with those I know and strangers alike
+ My enjoyment of speaking in front of groups, and what I might one day do with this (It's powerful, I will be using this!!!)
+ My feet are headed towards the pain free arena next.
+ I am fit!!!
+ People love me
+ I love myself ;)
+ And aside from me, there are so many people in my life to love.
+ Green smoothies, raw pasta...
+ Power


angelak: (CommentsCrack)
Been a strange time. Not all bad, just very contrasting in short periods of time. Dare I say Manic?
At times I've been super positive and been pushing myself towards the best side of myself that I can be. Some of the time I've fallen off some kind of cliff and gotten down and confused and lost.

Most of the time I've been happy and positive and heading towards my goals.
My biggest goal is ShapeShifting wise, but that hasn't changed for roughly 2 years so I'm not going to go into depth with it.

In fact, most of those 2 years, I was closer than I had any idea, to my goal - than I realized.

Other goals include greater self acceptance instead.

This weekend I have newly created plans with Kelsi on Sunday night. We haven't hung out in months, so that should be nice. Tried calling her a few times in the last week and figured it was ok that I didn't get through. Wasn't sure what I wanted to talk about...

Am hitting the gym, and running when I can... in the midst of a 30 day Yoga trial and loving it. Except last night when I was feeling down on my physical body. Today should be better. I'm intending on taking a double (2 classes) tonight to kick off my weekend.

Get ahead on that 30 day schedule - yeah? :)
If I get to the end of the 30 days, I might go for a 60 day. We'll see. If I don't feel like it, I don't.
As for anything else... grateful every day I spend with Jim in our home together, in our relationship together. We make each other smile more and more lately than I've ever remembered. It's a crazy-wild thing. 4 years and I feel like we've reached another NRE stage? I'm not sure. All I know is that we're in sync right now and it's nice.

To be feeling this way is definitely different than any other relationship I was in around this point. We're working out issues in our partnership and really getting content with what that means. Sometimes, problems take months and months to make progress on. He is so positive and so uplifting, that in spite of my general tendency to be a negative nancy, we still spend our time together for the most part in bliss.

Who knew.

And the more time that goes by, I realize how much he appreciate me for who I am, even if that is inherently flawed, at times lacking self image confidence and self esteem.

Anyway. That's all, for now! I am succeeding in posting in May. I'll keep at it!

angelak: (Sad)
It would seem I hit a mental wall about 10 days ago.
And then I began thinking my healing was doing much better.
And tonight I had a minor depressive episode.
Well shit. This is confusing.
The last fortnight has been a bit of an emotional tossup.
Trying hard not to let it all go to shit.
Finding it a struggle to stay happy.

Shoot, shoot.
My Yoga practice has been strange.
Okay, I can accept that.
I didn't go tonight - I slept through it.
Jim's observation is that whenever I sleep TOO much, my body is more likely to go into the depressive state. He says it's like it gets angry that I slept TOO much.
I've never heard of anything like this. I think my depression and sleep and diet are all related. (Okay, duh). But I am not too sure that the sleep is just a bi-product of feeling really lousy.
Let's face it - when you're really bummed, it's easier to escape through sleep.

Today I felt like I was avoiding class because it has been such a misery for me. Instead of the usual (mostly) joy. What the fuck?
Reading my last 10-days entries has me thinking my brain and heart are all over the board.
Shit, shit, shit.

Must stay patient. Jim thinks the Yoga has done nothing but good for me, I tend to agree.
We have had our most stable months in our relationship during the Yoga-months. Really.
We've been happiest and most harmonious. I'm not a fool to think it isn't related. It is. And of the two of us, I'm the trouble-maker in the relationship. You know - the moody one.

He is slightly more flexible than me sometimes. But I come close.
Regardless. Instead of being pissy, I've been able to stay calm and collected even when he irritates me. Bonus.

Now if I can only keep myself from skipping classes. Granted, maybe it's okay to take it easy this week. My head and heart are all over the board, after all. It's harder work when life is throwing me all kinds of emo-sludge.

Nothing felt cope-able tonight.
Perhaps next week will show me a little more kindness.
Jim's observation is that the emotional side of this knee trauma is far worse on me than the actual pain. He is often times correct.
The more time I spend with Jim as an integral part of my daily life, the more I find he is just what I need.

On a less angsty note; he is positive, intelligent, hilarious, adorable, kind-hearted, genuine, and at times sensual. Don't take this wrong, but of all of those things, I think sex is my lowest priority. It's not that it's not important to me. It's that sex is fleeting. And all the rest are things I need more frequently.

Sex is often superb, although occasionally I find him a tiny bit more vanilla than me. *shrugs* I'm okay with that - obviously.

The things that are more important:
He makes me laugh all the time.
And being around someone who smiles so much is really refreshing for the soul.

So, while I'm sad right now - I also realize the bounty of my fortune in life.
I have a home that I've worked hard for and love. It's our own. We've made it our own. I accept that clothes on the floor in the bedroom is not the end of the world.

I have 2 dogs that adore me and 1 waiting to become a love-source like the others.
They annoy me to no end, and yet they're so rewarding and know just when I'm at my lowest.
And then they decide to treat me accordingly, by acting as adorable as they know how.

I own a car that I really like.

More than that - I have a really solid family, and friends out there who would probably be there for me more if they knew how, or I made that more possible.

We both have jobs.
We both make enough money to make ends meet and have enough.
Our partnership is laden with straight forward, no-games or passive aggressive communication.
I love that he is a communicator. I love that Jim feels happiest dealing with problems immediately. It is he who makes me realize how long I hold onto crap sometimes before I let loose with it.

I am thankful his perspective on life is so real and so positive.
"Every day someone isn't shooting at me is a good day."
Who can argue with that?
And, once a soldier, always a soldier.

I am thankful that although I may be up 5lbs or so, I haven't gained back the weight I lost in 2007. This IS a feat, considering my 2008 situation.
Right now I appreciate my small waist, and try and ignore my hippy-ness. (As in hips).

I accept that for the most part, I'm not so bad looking. I clean up okay ;)
I am also thankful I changed my lifestyle in 2007.
I will try to remember these things as the knees scream at my soul.
They are not all consuming giant knees of doom.
They shouldn't take over my whole heart.

I am also thankful for my dishwasher. I lived years without one. I love dishwashers. I love not hand washing my dishes. I love how clean and shiny my dishes get in a dishwasher, when by hand I could never get them to be this way.

I love my silent, but present supporters.
And I appreciate my community and everything they've added to my life.
Yes, you pagans.
I adore you all.

Now, I'm really going to let go of this fear and go to Yoga class tomorrow with no judgments on myself. No judgments, no expectations. That will be my mantra. No worries that I skipped class THREE times now in one week. Wow, that is definitely a new record. So what, though.

I will be there in class tomorrow. Ready or not.
One thing I do not take for granted today, is my connection to the kindest man I've known.

angelak: (Lots of candles)
My biggest piece of advice from Jim in the past few days was to live in the moment, from moment to moment. That is how he made it through a lot of his hardships without losing his shine, his positive nature. Focus on the things that aren't amiss, and the things that are will not be so hard to endure.

I am guessing at the fact that all this life stuff is drowning me a little, but I've got to pull out of it. I've got to.

I can't let this sadness defeat me right now. I have another month of hard work before I can relax... but I should learn to relax in the midst of this. So my knees hurt. That's ok. It means I have to watch my food closer when I can't find it in me to work out. I need to start living off of more structured plans, because I know I am more apt to succeed this way and be less off kilter.

I've got to stop focusing on the things that make me angry, that progress my downward spirals. I've got to change the way I think, and keep working at it. And working at it and working at it. I've got all sorts of support from Jim right now - and without that I think I'd be so much worse off.

Right now he has taken over as liaison of our loan matters. I think that is the best thing that could have happened. I was at it for a couple of months (Since Aug 1st) with the house business, and after 2 months of it, I am spent on the notion.

I'd complain about the economy, but I honestly think the economy has less to do with us than our personal situations. It frustrates me when my co workers talk about the bigger issues looming out there. (Read, bail out). I'd rather just forget I'm in the midst of loan processing. They don't help.

I've got to live moment to moment and thinking about those larger issues just makes me feel that drowning feeling even more.

And not to dwell on that. The best part of this is that our lenders so far with FHA have been more positive I think. So it's just a matter of us waiting and praying that all falls into place anyway. I never have gotten the feeling that "we've lost the place," yet. And my gut has been pretty good in the last 5 years of my life. It's the waiting that I've got to learn to deal with. And if it doesn't work out - so be it. It will not have been because I made shitty money or had poor credit. It will have been something bigger than me.

Because I'm going to be honest. I make good money. With Jim's smaller income, we make decent combined monies. I have excellent credit. He has almost excellent credit (damn him for not spending his money on random shit and credit cards, he kept it in cash for gods'sake).

God forbid somebody not waste their cash on useless crap (like I did).
Well, my furniture and random other worldly goods are things I don't regret having, and they did help build my credit. I have an excellent score.

So on the positives:

My knee is slowly behaving today. Although I have taken 3 days or so off of working out, I think my body might have needed it.
I cannot be negative on it. I must listen to my body. I must also treat myself like my very best friend. And pretty much that's easy to do. After all - my best friends are all off doing their own thing right now.

My other very best friend is Jim. I need to stop acting out against him and use him as my team member. I have possibly been taking my life frustrations out on him. It's not his fault. None of it is. There is nothing he has done that has been anything but good.

He is working hard overnight full time. He is bringing home money, paying his half, and doing his best to cope with a girlfriend who is half falling apart emotionally. He is scarifacing sleep in order to resolve greater good for our team.

What I really need is to reclaim the tenderness and the adorable infatuation that I know exists between us. Instead of putting up barbed wired walls and barricading myself into a square pen that only hurts me.

I'm trying my best.
I will continue to eat the healthy foods and make my goal by the time we move. I'd like to lose 1 lb per week. That gives me roughly 3-5 lbs.

If I gain, like I did last week - so what. I need to keep trying to be strong and do what I can when I can. And not push those runs. I might scale back my time from 19/3/19 (with 10 min warm up and 10 cool down) back to 17/2/17 (with 10 min warm up cool down) once the knee flair up goes away.

I might also add I am going to run my 5K this weekend and do my very best. And not care. I'm a runner and that isn't going to go away. Not because I have to slow down, not because I'm injured, not because my life feels like it is falling down around me.

I never would have found this identity so strong without this heart breaking half a year. Although I wish I were 138 and running those 11:26 minute 1.5 milers, (my early 08 stats) it doesn't mean that the 146, god'knows'how fast girl cannot get back there. Maybe 6 months from now, maybe a year. I don't care.

It still beats the 170 me of Early 07. And I have proved to myself I can train back up relatively easily, and my head is motivated. I just need to ensure my body is ready for it. Slow, slow, slow progressions. No hills.

One other thing is that my size 7s are fitting rather unsnugly. So the size 5s are probably just snugish. Not so bad, between 5 and 7. I can accept this as an interim size. It's rather good.

In the positives:
My arms are badass. Quite a lot more badass than they were 8 months ago.

So today, I am going to break my 3-4 day work out break, ignore the fact that last week was a 1 lb gain, and put as much energy as I can into building a weekly schedule/plan for my workouts/also stretching strength training on my legs. I've got to come out of this ahead.

And I think I might go in to the doctor and have a talk (a different one) about where I am in the healing process, and request an MRI because damnit, my insurance covers it and I don't want to fuck around.

I might also talk to them about some of the extreme depressive lows I've experienced in the last 6 months, and my current life situation. Although I am not proud of where I've been... I must admit it has been a worse mental state than I've ever seen in my life.

I've got to remember that this taking control of me is a long, slow, patient process.

angelak: (AngelacrazyIcon)
Thankful Thursday! A lot this week. )

So much that it had to be put behind a cut!
A lot of these have to do with our quickly settling home and how much this has been every part of where I wanted (really, the stuff of dreams) my life to be right now.



Dec. 19th, 2006 04:32 pm
angelak: (Sing to me)
Lunch with the beau and a slightly longer-the-my-lunch-hour nap combined have done wonders.
I don't know why, it is just hard to stay down long around Jim.

angelak: (Girl needs a boy)
Wii. Wii Wii. What a ghey name. Still, fun. Some stuff. I played Wii Wii. SO WRONG! )

angelak: (My Lips)
Oooh, it is never dull for me. )

angelak: (Thoughtful Angela)
Under the cut: Deeper thinking. Grammatically flawed. Long, drawn out. Flows like chaos. )


One day...

Nov. 13th, 2006 07:01 pm
angelak: (Hold My Hand)
One day I met a soldier.
And then I saw him again.
And again and again.
And then I fell in love.
And now I know many soldiers.

Once upon a time I wondered what it would be like to know a soldier.
Like I knew it would one day become an intimate thing to me.
I just didn't think my intuition knew a damn.
But then why is it we don't always trust ourselves?
I thought:
Where would I ever REALLY run into one of these people?
As if. Incredibly unlikely, I thought.



angelak: (Default)

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